Once and for all, help me tell MIL that my toddler's name is not to be changed.

[BroccoliSpears]

DPs family hate hate hate hate hate our DD's name. They had big tantrums when she was born and insisted we change it. Of course, we didn't. Then they made a special trip when she was 2 weeks old to see DP, and try to reason with DP, and convince him to talk to me about changing it . Of course, he didn't and we didn't. I assumed they'd just shut up when they realised that it was her name and we weren't changing it. They haven't. She's now 19 months old and we still get comments about her name.

Examples:

"It's okay, she'll change it as soon as she's old enough." [smug, knowing smile]

"She's very [insert personality trait] isn't she? Definitely not a [Name] - it doesn't suit her at all."

"You know, you can still use her middle name? It's not too late."

So, more niggly than downright offensive, but still rather unkind of them.

So, last time we saw them, MIL was trotting out something along the lines of the above and I said quite pleasantly but firmly that I thought that was quite enough speculation about her name as she would very very soon be able to understand what MIL was saying and it was not a very nice thing for a little girl to learn that half her family dislikes her name. I agreed that perhaps she would change it one day, but if she did it would be her decision and no one elses.

MIL is not the easiest of people. She is stubborn and outspoken. She is French, so sometimes we have misunderstanding due to language barriers and cultural clashes. My 'pleasant but firm' speech was not enough and she's still not dropped the subject.

What do I say next? How do I say it?

I am not confrontational, and am rather intimidated by MIL. She can be sneaky and sly. When we do argue she runs rings around me.

I won't let my little girl be bullied by her as she has bullied me over the years.

(Suggestions containing four letter words and shouting will be tempting but ultimately unusable )

Message withdrawn

Broccoli, why are you not intimidating her back?
I'm guessing you never fly off the handle in public? Never escalate, never confront?
This is your chance to rise up in the pecking order for some years to come, but you need to have it all up your sleeve in advance. It will need to be out of the blue, but calculated, so pick your moment

1. Let her come out with the crap once more in front of a lot of relatives.
2. Do not reply, fix her with your eye in complete silence, let the temperature in the room sink to zero as the crapness of her words echoes to silence
3. Calmly ask all those present except MIL to leave the room. Or take her away to have it out privately - but near enoughg for everyone to know something Bad is happening
4. no swearing, no apologies. tell her she is not to discuss this in front of you,DP,or indeed behind your backs. Very quietly, NOT nicely, you are issuing the order. Maybe nose to nose.
5. as she tries to interrupt, tell her to shut up. You can raise the volume to mad person level at this point. She should be seated at all times, you are standing.
6. let the adrenalin boil, and get the bile out
7. her adrenalin will be boiling but give her no chance to get any bile out.
8. do not be reasonable, do not listen to her nonsense as she will argue rings round you as you said
9. walk out, calmly,smile to terrified onlookers outside the room. Say " I think she has got over all that silliness now, it's taken her a bit long to understand" 10)no witnesses. Do not discuss with anyone, there's nothing to discuss, you will have clearly won, which is what you want. Revert to nice lady Broccoli. They will all be very wary of you as it is the quiet ones who are the most dangerous

My son is called Noah and it really suits him. My MIL called an emergency meeting of all the family and asked them to help her talk us out of such a vile name. She went on about if for years.

whats her name?
nothing to do with inlaws.id get your dh to explain soon your dd will know grandparents dont like her name.they sound awful!

Listen to catinthehat. Can I be around when you do this please??

@ Catinthehat. I will print out your advise and will use it in all situations. Absolutely amazing.

Fab advice.

Our in-laws phoned to tell us they 'didn't care for' our choice of name for our first child, Joel,and FIL followed this up on many occasions with 'it's a horrible name'. It was my all time favourite boy's name, so that went down like a lead balloon.

They suggested we call him Keith.

PLEASE tell us the name to which your MIL objects with such vigour?

How can anyone complain about 'Noah'?
I personally would go for the broken record approach. Well, actually I would be too chicken to say anything, seethe, and bitch to DH. But I would want to go for the broken record approach.
Can you have her a badge made with "My name is ... " on it (favourite colour, lots of stickers etc), and get her to wear it round Granny?

Pleeeaaaaaase tell us the name!

It's not the same as Jordan's new DD is it?

< Splutter > @ Keith.

Broccoli you have to explain slowly to her that you find it upsetting when she feels the need to comment negatively on such a personal and intimate matter as what a woman calls her boy. Tell her that you're sure, as a mother, she will understand.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

... and what's more there's no earthly reason why you should tell MNers.

What the hell is wrong with Noah???? Tell her I'll come round & slap her silly.. my Noah is adorable & lovely & beautiful... and, and... clever!!

What makes them think they are allowed an opinion!!?

It's not a made up name is it? My SIL has a made up name belonging to her 2 grannies... it's awful, but there's never any confusion when your're talking about her!!

Huge admiration for CatintheHats handling techniques.

Applause for Kinders DH.

Sympathy to all those who have been cursed with rude relatives - even if you have called your DCs Ponceytina, Frogmella or Lunacup.

You've got to have such fun in the run up to the next birth. "Digger" is just the start- keep coming up with similar suggestions and they might finally give up or at least get the hint about your dd. Also you've got 6 weeks to torture them after the birth before the new name needs to be registered...

Noah's a great name.

It's your mil so it's your husband who has to tell her that it is none of her business and you will not be changing the name.

Personally, I'd be saying to her that if she mentions it one more time, she will not be seeing said child again.

And I'd bloody mean it, too.

Do they call her by her name?

Do they shorten it?

My sister had a baby called Jake & my dad started saying stuff about a duck called Jake.. asked sis why she didn't just call him Jack & be done with it

When we said we were calling ds Noah he laughed & started humming "The animals came in 2 by 2" yeah... original huh?

I've just read catinthehat. I'll shut up now. Her advice is much better. Wow. Respect.

Message withdrawn

Noah is a great name. How could anyone object to that?

Strange that so many families try to interfere. A friend of my Mum was to be a Granny and hated the name that her son and DIL had chosen. They all nagged them till they decided not to call him Archie. They called him Angus instead, if I remember rightly. They went on to have a second DS and called him Archie.

I propose a MN campaign. The "We want to name our own children, thankyou very much" campaign.

We could have badges made up. "Granny, my name is , so just BUGGER OFF!"

OY Lenny?s DF ? nowt wrong with Ben

As I said before ? naming a child has nothing to do with anyone but the person doing the naming. EVERY parent/grandparent has already had the chance to do that. How would THEY feel if someone dissed THEIR choice ? if it was the OP?s DP?s mother I might suggest she called her DP by another name ? just to bring it home to her, but as it?s her DP?s STEP mother who may or may not have children of her own that may not work but either way it?s nothing to do with anyone but the OP and her DP what her child and/or subsequent children are called.

When we told my family the name we picked for a girl there was silence
Then my Grandpa said "Or...you could call her Juliet. And it's up to you whether you have an extra 'te' on the end or not"
Well thanks for so much freedom!
(We had a boy)

LMAO at catinthehat! However I am guessing that Brocolli is like me and full of vim and vitriol in private but not capable of getting it out in front of inlaws!

Brocolli, I agree that your DP needs to have the conversation (is he French too?).

Failing that, what I would do in your situation is write a letter. I know it's a bit cowardly but it saves nastiness and you can get your point across in a calm manner without her arguing back. You need to say:

1. You appreciate her viewpoint and understand her interest but she has now made her point and needs to stop referring to this.

2. There is no point in having this conversation any more as you are never, ever going to change your dd's name and she (your MIL) is wasting everybody's time and energy continuing with this argument.

3. You find her comments extremely offensive. Probably she doesn't realise this (probably she does but it might be politic to pretend she's a nice person) which is why you are writing this letter. More importantly her comments will hurt her granddaughter's feelings too.

4. Now that you have explained your feelings and the futility of continuing with this argument, you expect the subject to be closed, both as far as you are concerned and also as far as your DD is concerned.

If she tries to raise the subject again then walk away. She will only continue as long as she has an audience. Unfortunately you can't prevent her bringing it up with other people but you can tell the people you care about and get them on your side, and just stuff everyone else.