I went to the cinema myself in the spirit of 'being all I need' but I feel so flat.

[inthevernacular]

I keep reading advice that says I need to make myself happy and live life to the fullest etc on my own.

I'm really struggling with online dating so I thought maybe this year I would try this, and work up to going on holiday on my own.

I don't know, I thought I would feel empowered and brave. I just still seemed to be the only one sitting alone in amongst all these couples.

I don't really know why I'm posting, but please just don't say meetup or hillwalking groups.

I saw 2 films on one afternoon when dc was at a party. Great time

How old are you OP? I do feel for you, because I have been exactly where you are. And you’ve had the pandemic thrown in on top of everything else. I found it helpful to seek out other single women and get together to bemoan our terrible love lives/share strategies/dating horror stories. A problem shared and all that. Of course that can be tricky when one if you finds a partner, but it’s still worth it. What I found really hard was that most of my friends had settled down and, although it was kind of them to invite me for dinner etc, it really just rubbed it in, seeing them in their lovely coupley/family setups.

It happened for me eventually. A bit later than I would have liked, but I got there in the end. I have no tips because my situation was very boring really, met my husband in a group at an event via a mutual friend. It was after making a major geographical move though, so maybe shaking things up massively could help.

Good luck.

Hi @inthevernacular I just wanted to say, you should definitely go on holiday on your own. I'm super shy and nervous of flying, but I took the plunge a few years ago and absolutely loved it. It was so liberating to do exactly what I wanted to do, take as much time doing what I wanted, and to just be a random person in a far away place. I felt so much better doing that than I would sitting in a cinema on my own, so I wouldn't let your cinema experience put you off. Solo travel is very different. Jump in and just do it! Good luck

I holidayed a lot on my own in my 20s before I met DH and when we briefly split up.

I did a lot of weekend breaks in Europe and I also spent a week all incl. In Gran Canaria. It was fab. I took 12 books (pre kindle) and sunbathed, swam, listened to music and didn't speak to a soul all week. Bliss.

Hi, I've been going to restaurants, cinema and theatre trips alone since my divorce many, many years ago. My friends were all married and had commitments but I didn't want to be a recluse and miss out on something nice so I made myself go out. Initially I felt sad, not being able to discuss it afterwards. Because I didn't want to be seen as 'on the pull' I always took a book. Now, at the theatre, I always arrange a drink for the intermission and nip there to grab the drink and a seat before others save seats for friends. Booking the end of the row so I can move quickly. Also useful to beat the loo queue. I've also spoilt myself with a box of Maltersers, bliss! My husband has ASD so never accompanies me and my years of planning gives me no second thoughts at doing stuff alone.

I also go to the cinema on my own sometimes. If I get a tweak of self-consciousness then I just slouch a bit more casually and look bored for that full "this is totally normal, maybe I am a film critic or something" effect :)
Try it again, but this time with more conviction??
Or put an ad somewhere seeing if anyone else wants a film friend?

I understand. I go to the theatre alone a lot and read a book with a wine while I wait for it to start. For me it makes sense because you can't talk to people when the play is running so what difference does it make going alone. I actually don't feel quite the same about the cinema but wonder if that's because I could be sat at home alone watching a film and get the same level of enjoyment? I think you just need to stick with the activities that make you feel good. Lone walks are not that fun but walks with a dog are totally different! Same activity but I feel very differently about them with a dog! Do you have any dogs you could borrow and see if you like that as an alternative? I wouldn't push yourself to keep doing the cinema if it isn't rewarding for you

The whole point of what you're doing is to find things you love doing alone. You didn't love this; that's fine. Unless you think that all single people need, for some reason, going to the cinema alone?

Some things are things we enjoy in a relationship, some with friends, some only with Bob, or our sister, or only with our nephew, but with nobody else, and some things we enjoy alone. It's a quest you're on, to find things you love alone, not an 'I need to enjoy the cinema alone' challenge.

The idea is 'If you don't enjoy it, don't repeat it.' It's not 'You have to enjoy x/y and z activities'.

@inthevernacular going to the cinema by yourself is a solution to boredom, not loneliness. I love doing things alone, and I'll always advocate loudly for the idea that you dont have to be in a relationship to be happy, but the vast majority of people do need some amount of social contact and there's nothing wrong with that. While you obviously don't want to be so afraid of being alone that you keep people around who are bad for you, some people almost seem to make a competition of it, where any need for human relationships is seen as a moral failing almost. Which is definitely not what you need to hear when you're already feeling down about it!

If you're feeling lonely the only way to solve that is by finding a way to get more social contact - whether that's by making more frequent plans with the friends you have, even if they can't be so spontaneous anymore, or seeking out new ones. I second the PP who mentioned looking for friends in a similar relationship situation (or lack of), so you have less of a tendency to feel like the odd one out. Like dating, it can be a long and frustrating process, but it's usually a bit less emotionally fraught at least. But doing things alone, while it's more fun than sitting at home all evening, is not going to fix the underlying problem - it's just a temporary distraction.

I love cinema alone too, always have. I am though 6 months out of a 10 year relationship & it's just not as fun now. Everything is alone now and it's tough.

I don't mind going to the cinema on my own. I did it when I was single and now I'm married. In fact I recently decided I was going to go more as DH is cev and still reluctant to go out. We have a small 'art house' cinema near us and loads of people go on their own. I also don't mind eating alone. If I'm travelling for work I'll frequently eat alone.

However I was single for a LONG time so I can empathise with the all my time is me time comment. What about swimming, browsing the shops or library, walking (get a dog!), running group? There are some women only walking groups where I am.

I used to travel for work and felt super self conscious eating dinner or going to the cinema on my own. But the truth is that noone else is looking nor cares.

I go to the cinema on my own sometimes without a second thought- to me cinema is something that could be a social event but equally could just be something I want to do, like having a coffee with a friend v having a coffee on my own. I also see quite a lot of solo film watchers at the cinema and don’t assume anything about them at all.

I don’t see it as empowering though and perhaps your expectations here were too high. It’s just a way to see a film.

Another one who goes to the cinema alone quite often. No idea why you'd be embarrassed! I tend to go during the week and most people are there on their own.
But if you're going because you think you should, it's a bit different. I think the advice to have fun 'on your own' means without relying on a partner to make you happy, rather than being completely solitary. Do you have any friends you could do things with?

@actiongirl1978

I holidayed a lot on my own in my 20s before I met DH and when we briefly split up.

I did a lot of weekend breaks in Europe and I also spent a week all incl. In Gran Canaria. It was fab. I took 12 books (pre kindle) and sunbathed, swam, listened to music and didn't speak to a soul all week. Bliss.

Love this. I am 50 this year and plan to do the very same holiday plus copious books for first time ever.

I love travelling solo, I love the random conversations en route but travelling with someone no ta. I lived abroad for years so get a tad impatient with others who make a stressy meal of it.

I love live music but have found that to be something I can't really go to alone without getting hit on, I tried a few Sunday lunch gigs solo recently and its left me a bit sad.

A girlfriend of mine has suggested there should be pubs where guys are banned from chatting up lone women.

I met a new neighbour yesterday, had a right natter, and I get the impression he would have no interest at all in me as a woman romantically if you get my drift. Has invited me up for wine sometime and a goss about the neighbours. Now that could be fun

@inthevernacular where are you, south coaster here, I'll got to the pix with you. Or maybe we should have a meet up for such of us who walk our own path but need reminding we aren't the only ones sometimes!

I went to the cinema alone this week. I have been doing this since I was 14. ( same with going to gigs,swimming, art galleries, travelling , walking and anything else I fancy ) I do have friends ,a dh and others that I also do these things with but my point of view is if no one is available at the time I want to do or see something why should I miss out!

I have never noticed a ‘ funny look’ from anybody but I have had comments of ‘aren’t you brave’, I mean wtf, I’ve watched a film, it’s not like I’ve dragged someone from a fire or anything. Even my mum was at it ‘ oh people might think you’ve got no friends’ . I used to shut her up by saying I hadn’t!😂

Life’s to short to miss out on doing what you want.
But if the cinema, meet up isn’t for you, fair enough, find something that is. If you like stopping in and watching re runs of Friends, do that.

Broaden your horizons, get the train to a city you haven’t been to, plan new walks, look for events that’s happening. Start small, go for a coffee and cake somewhere. I like going into newish craft ale bars for a pint now and then.

Actually thinking about it I have given up going to the cinema with anyone but DH because my friends talk all the way through them. I have one that chirps ‘As if that would happen’ or ‘ do you know what I would do if I was her’ . While I’m on about cinemas Don’t get me started on the popcorn rustlers!😂😂😂

Thinking about ‘what people think of you’ why are they going to think anything at all? How long are they going to think, if at all? A few seconds maybe? And how does their thinking affect you? It doesn’t. It has no consequence whatsoever on you.

I did my year abroad at uni and lived abroad for a while after. I travelled a bit around the country in the holidays while I was there
Maybe this makes a difference?? I don't know
I'm currently in a cafe alone going to eat
And one of those who would go to the cinema by myself

I holidayed a lot on my own in my 20s before I met DH and when we briefly split up
I’ve been going away by myself since I was about 20. I have a bloody ace work pattern where I often get six days of In a row. Pre covid I would get my rota and then look at skyscanner and go! I’m beginning to return to this in the next few weeks with my first trip planned for Denmark 🇩🇰
I’m late 50s now but have never stopped travelling when I could, even when the children were younger. I love going away with DH and also with friends as well but I have zero issues with being by myself.

As I’ve said in my previous post ‘why miss out?’

It doesn't really matter if other people like going to the cinema alone.

You don't like going to the cinema alone. Which is absolutely fine. (I don't either, and I'm generally quite happy in my own company. I just don't like being sat in the dark on my own surrounded by people.)

You made a comment about all your time being you-time (me-time). That suggests that you need social/interactive things to do, not solo stuff like the cinema.

I'm happy to go to the cinema on my own, but I definitely wouldn't go on a Friday night. Part of the reason I like it is that I either slot it in while waiting for DS or go on my weekend off when everyone else is working. I assure you, lots of people are there on their own during the week.

I probably wouldn't enjoy a holiday on my own, although I love to travel through airports alone.

Sorry, weekday not weekend.

Booked my first solo holiday in summer and I can't WAIT. Only a little weekend away but no one to please, no kids to run around after - I am so looking forward to it (although suspect I won't know what to do with myself when I get there!)