Could you tolerate DH spouting rubbish?

[Love55]

I love spending time with DH. I look forward to him coming home. He cooks for me most evenings and we always have a giggle on the sofa after DC are in bed. He makes me laugh etc etc. And he's a good man.

BUT....he has a habit of basically saying some really stupid/offensive stuff.

Examples

"Lesbians have penis envy"
"Newsreaders can't be taken seriously when they wear make-up"
"Climate change is rather convenient don't you think" (cue eyebrow raise)
"Aliens live in the sea"

When I press him on any of this - it become evident that he is repeating something he has read online (think shock jocks, twitter rubbish) and he usually just says 'oh i'm just being silly' or just avoids further conversation because he doesn't seem to know what's he actually saying

If I really push it he gets annoyed at me and says I'm a classic middle class liberal type who doesn't question anything.

The DC love him. He's responsible. And honestly he's funny and warm and great company. If I really thought he held those views, it would be one thing but I genuinely think he is quite gullible (I don't possibly respect him??!) - and he just gets taken in

Would this be an issue for people? I sometimes hear him and think 'how is this MY person?' when i think he sounds so stupid. But also obviously leaving him is v. drastic

Yeah this would give me the ick I'm afraid.

It's hilarious that he accuses you of being the 'type' that doesn't question anything - when he's the one believing there are aliends under the sea.

And some of that stuff is offensive. He's verging on conspiracy nonsense and if he goes down that rabbit hole he could be lost for good.

Has he always been like this, or is it new?

Well I didn't know aliens live in the sea. Is he a Covid denier by any chance.

Does he spend time on YouTube?

Start telling him that men who listen to shock jocks experience penile shrinkage.

Not even being facetious but for a lot of men this is how it starts. At the moment it's just comments that he then semi retracts, but fast forward a year and he could have fallen right down that right wing QAnon rabbit hole.

I couldn’t tolerate it for long.

Tbh i’d press for an answer as to why he is saying these sorts of things - if he really believes it’s just silly then i’d press to find out what he gets out of spoitong nonsense. If he really believes aliens live in the sea or lesbians have penis envy i’d ask him to show me and explain to me what evidence he’s used to come to that conclusion. And i’d keep going with it every bloody time, until I could ascertain if he was in fact a fool or if he gets something out of spouting bullshit. If it was the latter, i’d maybe try and support him to think more critically. the former and i’d lose all respect and let him know.

@CousinKrispy

Start telling him that men who listen to shock jocks experience penile shrinkage.

Or do that

May be he just wants validation for opinions he has. Generally those things sound like the kind of thing someone would say who has done zero research and believes the title of a story or is looking for a reaction.

Perhaps your humour or communication is a bit different and he thinks he's being funny.

It depends on a bit more information. My DH and I get a chuckle out of outrageous news sound bites and have been known to read fake/joke news sites just to repeat to each other the mad headlines as a sort of contest as to who had read the silliest thing recently. If it’s that kind of being silly, I think you need to relax and play along or tolerate. Just because we are adults, doesn’t mean we have to be serious all the time and never make jokes about things.

Of course, if it strays across the line into offensive like the lesbian comment you repeated, don’t tolerate that but it’s like a football field, you define the boundary lines and then have fun running amok inside the lines.

To be honest I think later down the line when the gloss has worn off of the relationship it’s things like this that’ll be the ending of it. I also agree with @Classica. But this is your relationship so really it’s only you who can determine if it’s a dealbreaker

What sort of aliens?

@PonyPatter44

What sort of aliens?

Probably not the lizard headed ones we have, ie Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard headed alien, as was Elvis (who is still alive, btw as lizard headed aliens have a 200yr life span so he faked his death and is living in New Mexico).

He sounds like a total pain in the arse.

If I really push it he gets annoyed at me and says I'm a classic middle class liberal type who doesn't question anything.

To be honest this is the bit that would have me questioning the relationship.

All right, maybe he wants to see himself as a free-thinking intellectual who doesn't close himself off to the possibility of the unexpected, but if he insults you when you apply a bit of intellectual rigour to his free-wheeling theorising then he is more interested in maintaining his self-image than respecting the person he's chosen to share his life with.

Personally if he was a genuine climate change skeptic that would end it for me because I see adapting for climate change as a fairly big element in decisions that affect my whole family (diet, use of cars, utility providers, investment etc).

But if he's one of these blokes who likes to exercise his personal sense of superiority by regularly making offensive remarks (eg the lesbians and penis envy) and then waving them off as a joke, I'd be seriously reconsidering the partnership. Imagine being stuck listening to that in retirement.

Genuinely, OP, I can't understand how you could look forward to the arrival home in the evenings of someone who says this stuff. I mean, a misogynist homophobe conspiracy theorist? He ticks all the boxes in my 'Signs of a Total Idiot' inner list.

What do you do when he tells you that lesbians have penis envy?

If he’s not joking he sounds like he’s not very bright.

What do you do when he tells you that lesbians have penis envy?

I really hope she points at his pants and says, "well, a quick look at THAT should cure them of any residual envy and give them a good laugh at the same time"

He sounds a bit dim

Please could you elaborate on that last comment about aliens?

The penis envy comment about lesbians us just beyond. Is someone a little resentful that lesbians would have no interest in him? They're almost like the words of a man rejected.

He doesn't sound too bright does he....and misogynist comments are never acceptable.

If he is so easily influenced and doesn't realise he is talking nonsense I personally would be really put off by it and could not live with someone like that.

@PonyPatter44

What do you do when he tells you that lesbians have penis envy?

I really hope she points at his pants and says, "well, a quick look at THAT should cure them of any residual envy and give them a good laugh at the same time"

That would be a perfectly appropriate response.

You see, people are different and complex too, neither one of us could live with just about anybody. When you are looking for a partner, you are trying to find one with acceptable personality traits. Of course, no one is perfect, so, just like your husband, everyone has some good and some bad ones. Also, different people view different traits as good or bad too. So, whether or not this is acceptable for YOU, only YOU know. Each of us can only tell you if and to which extend this would be acceptable for us.

@freeatlast2021

You see, people are different and complex too, neither one of us could live with just about anybody. When you are looking for a partner, you are trying to find one with acceptable personality traits. Of course, no one is perfect, so, just like your husband, everyone has some good and some bad ones. Also, different people view different traits as good or bad too. So, whether or not this is acceptable for YOU, only YOU know. Each of us can only tell you if and to which extend this would be acceptable for us.

In whose worldview is homophobia a ‘good trait’?

I'd be really grilling him on these issues and if he was consistently stupid I'd find it difficult to relate to him.