Could you tolerate DH spouting rubbish?

[Love55]

I love spending time with DH. I look forward to him coming home. He cooks for me most evenings and we always have a giggle on the sofa after DC are in bed. He makes me laugh etc etc. And he's a good man.

BUT....he has a habit of basically saying some really stupid/offensive stuff.

Examples

"Lesbians have penis envy"
"Newsreaders can't be taken seriously when they wear make-up"
"Climate change is rather convenient don't you think" (cue eyebrow raise)
"Aliens live in the sea"

When I press him on any of this - it become evident that he is repeating something he has read online (think shock jocks, twitter rubbish) and he usually just says 'oh i'm just being silly' or just avoids further conversation because he doesn't seem to know what's he actually saying

If I really push it he gets annoyed at me and says I'm a classic middle class liberal type who doesn't question anything.

The DC love him. He's responsible. And honestly he's funny and warm and great company. If I really thought he held those views, it would be one thing but I genuinely think he is quite gullible (I don't possibly respect him??!) - and he just gets taken in

Would this be an issue for people? I sometimes hear him and think 'how is this MY person?' when i think he sounds so stupid. But also obviously leaving him is v. drastic

He sounds like a thick bigot to me, so no, I wouldn't put up with it.

I think he sounds hilarious and quite adorable. Maybe there's a problem with me.

'Of course, if it strays across the line into offensive like the lesbian comment you repeated, don’t tolerate that but it’s like a football field, you define the boundary lines and then have fun running amok inside the lines.'

There speaks a woman who doesn't understand football. Or any sport, apparently.

None of this sounds remotely amusing, so the poster who thinks he's 'hilarious' must have a very low bar - but I suppose helps explain the baffling popularity of certain 'comedians' 😒

He sounds as thick as all get out. I wouldn't be able to cope with this.

He sounds like an idiot

I wouldn’t want those views around me or my children; however “lovely” you think he is when he’s not saying stupid shit

Aliens live in the sea is just stupid.
The rest however is quite offensive and I couldn’t tolerate such a homophobic and sexist partner.
He’s not responsible if he thinks those views are appropriate, his dc will either believe him and say the same or feel rightly embarrassed by him.

The question shouldn't be 'could you tolerate?' But SHOULD you. And the answer is no. At least regarding the mysoginistic comments about the women in make up ect...its not on. And I wouldn't want to be around anyone that thought he had the right to tell women how they should dress to be 'worthy' of respect.

Tbf the aliens living in the sea though is just funny. I mean, who knows? xD

I sympathise. I’ve got a relative- lovely man, retired professional. Thanks to the pandemic and recent retirement his big hobby is reading news articles and posting comments. He sends me screenshots of his comments and proudly tells me how many likes he gets. the way he talks in real life has changed so now he often says things that literally sound like a daily mail comment read out loud, it’s not like normal conversation any more.

I wish he’d get out more and talk to people face to face but he’s not bothered.

I’m glad my husband doesn’t do this.

I agree with previous posters that it can lead to more extreme opinions if he’s getting his information from places like YouTube because of how the algorithms work.
My ex started by watching a few entertaining videos about aliens and a couple of years down the line he believes the earth is flat, has a big dome over it and a wall of ice round the outside. I’ve given up trying to reason with him as he regularly phones me up to preach at me or to encourage me to dig an underground shelter in my back garden and ‘prep’.
It definitely is hilariously funny from an observers point of view, but I don’t have to live with him, and I do feel sorry for his wife. She pretty much does everything while he sits around watching crap on the Internet and shouting.

Aliens do live in the sea! Idris Elba made a very good documentary about this very subject, a few years back. It’s called Pacific Rim, definitely worth a watch.

We wouldn’t have got past the first date let alone marriage.

Oh. I forgot about this thread. Thanks for all your comments.

But I would say to everyone saying 'Oh I wouldn't sit near him on a bus let alone tolerate him as my DH' etc etc

I'm glad that you have found it so easy to keep toxic/difficult/idiotic men out of your life. I have not. In fact, it is all I have known seemingly.

I have had many abusive, horrible relationships. And this man is generally supportive, warm, loving, reliable, takes his responsibilities towards me and the kids v. seriously, plays with the kids every evening, spends all his weekend with them

BUT - he is an idiot. There is no doubting that. But it is complicated. He will spend hours sorting the recycling and then repeat some climate change skeptic joke. He doesn't know what he thinks. He is gullible. And angry at the state of the world.

relationships and people are complicated. And I'm sorry to say my standards are probably pretty low. Finding someone who is nice to me, nice to the kids, and pays his way has taken me thirty odd years. The rest of them were bloody horrible.

Also - he didn't say any of these things on the first date or the 20th date. We spent years just having fun and he was v. open minded. he has gone down a rabbit hole of internet conspiracy rubbish. But again, thanks for the helpful advice of 'I wouldn't have gone near him'. Not sure how that is meant to help or make me feel other than an idiot myself.

If I could be alone forever I would. I would be so happy just me and the kids. but he's in my life forever now. with these weird views and offensive arguments.

Why is he in your life forever now? It’s up to you what you want in a relationship

“If I could be alone forever I would.”

You can.

Yeah - I guess I just mean he will always be in my life because of the kids. He will want 50/50. I just see so many posts on here of women fighting their ex-DH for years in court, or having their ex turn the kids against them, or having regular contact/arguments about this and that. I just don't see a future where he isn't in it. And somehow him being happy to home making weird remarks seems preferable to me leaving him and him going completely loopy and angry and making my life miserable.

Bollocks. I just wrote and lost a post about standards of proof and argument in sciences and the humanities. Summary: they are high and the onus is on the person making the claim to substantiate it, not on anyone else to disprove it.

Bertrand Russell's flying teapot argument is an archetypal example. i.e. If you claim there is a flying teapot on the other side of the moon, the onus is on you to prove that, not on anyone else to disprove it. That was an argument about god but it applies to undersea aliens, penis envy and the Loch Ness monster too.

But of course, that's not how everyday conversation works. We don't all go around providing evidence and citations for our assertions. Indeed, insisting that other people ought to, in the course of an argument, is a classic shut down, 'na, na, na I'm not listening' tactic.

In life and conversation, there has to be some element of mutual respect, based on a common acceptance of a set of premises; facts, evidential standards, reliable sources of evidence. Usually social norms too. If you don't have those, you can't easily have a conversation at all.

So I think your basic problem is that you have lost respect for your husband, because he has opted out of your previously mutually accepted common standards and understanding of the world. Or what you'd thought were your previously accepted common standards and understanding. Perhaps he was always this ditzy and you'd just wished yourself past it, with blinding love and optimism.

Is respect important in a relationship? Yes. Otherwise you find yourself living with an endearing, if helpful, pet.

Can he regain your respect? Maybe, if he wants to. Not if he doesn't want to.

Maybe wallowing in a sea of fantastical assertions offers him more comfort than does his relationship with you?

But, how much does this matter to you? What do you really need from him? Are you at the 'soul mate / perfectly matching other half' end of relationship expectations? Or are you a pragmatist, who expects different needs to be met by different people?

So, do you, could you seek intellectual and conversational stimulation and satisfaction elsewhere, while still enjoying his company and support as a domestic partner? How do sex and emotions fit into that for you? That might be the killer question.

If I really push it he gets annoyed at me and says I'm a classic middle class liberal type who doesn't question anything.

I love that for the purity of its stupidity. 'When you ask questions it's because you don't ask questions'.

I ended things with my ex a few months ago, and now I think of it he did similar things. I called him out on it and he did stop saying things, but I was concerned he still thought them. He referred to certain women on TVs as cows and bints and it was intolerable.

Could it be his sense of humour and you’re not compatible ?
The way he says it could be key.

I think a lot of people talk this way because they're scared, basically.

It's bluster. Noise to fill up time and push out any possibility of a more demanding discussion, of challenge to their self-image.

Some people are scared of revealing their own ignorance, so it's a form of insecurity, low self-esteem, stuck in an internal conflict with a belief that they deserve high esteem from others.

They could do a bit of work and educate themselves out of this ignorance but, for one reason or another, they can't (e.g. struggle with dyslexia), or don't. That can be because it's just too much hard work. Why bother when you can just bullshit? Or, because the status they believe they ought to have is genuinely unattainable - they see their 'should be' status and views as of equivalent value to those of a Professor or a Nobel Prize winner.

Also, people who have never tried very hard don't know where their real ability and intellectual status stand. They have no way of calibrating it, no idea how good they could be if they tried, or how much cleverer, quicker or harder-working they would have to be, to become a person of externally recognised high status.

If they did try, they might find out they can become a well-informed, interesting, useful, respected person. They might also gain more respect for the truly brilliant, hardworking and amazing, because they can see the gap between those people's level and their own. That's really healthy, knowing you're doing your best and that you are respected for the things you really do know and do, without having to pretend to be the same as somebody else.

It's not uncommon though, is it, for people with no real experience or knowledge of something to confuse their internal fantasy life with reality, with no idea of the gap in experience and attainment between the two. People who believe they know everything about being a real life football manager because they did well on a computer game, for example. So it is with 'research' ability.

Also, the world is big and complex, bad things are happening that we can't control. That's an external source of fear, that can add to internal insecurity and a lack of well-developed educational habits, to damaging effect.

*Note, all the above is my own speculation, based on observation and insight and intended to stimulate conversation. That's all. No claims of 'fact'.

Relationship-wise, the fact he's told you he doesn't respect you is a problem. 'You're just a...' is not a sentence compatible with a happy, healthy relationship.

You might want to have a conversation with him about that. About how it makes you feel. About where it leaves you, in terms of the relationship.

That's also a good way of turning it around, into a 'this is how I feel' statement. That is, not an attack on him, not about him at all. About you and your feelings - one thing about you that he cannot disagree with.

'When you do x I feel y. This feeling troubles me, it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. What can we do about this? How can we work together to change or avoid this negative experience that I have?'.

That invites a gentle, detail-focused discussion about different ways of phrasing things, or conversing.

If his answer is 'I don't care about your feelings, they are less important than my freedom to say whatever I like to you, however disrespectful towards you, however much that hurts you', then at least you know.

Also, I want to know more about the undersea aliens.

Part of the problem is that there is so much utter crap out on the WWW. There are literally thousands (millions?) of 'highly rated' videos of conspiracy theories, fake science, snake oil sales spiels et cetera.

People - even intelligent people - can get sucked in by this nonsense. @Love55....... can you perhaps steer him towards TED talks and also urge him to investigate credentials before accepting gospel as truth?

www.ted.com/talks

The lesbian comment would make me mad, and I couldn't not correct him. But the other stuff is by the by.

People believe in different things (for example aliens, god, covid, monarchy etc). My DH has some very different views to me and is generally more gender critical than me, but he would never treat someone face to face with disdain or disrespect, and that's what matters most to me.

Too many people talk a good game about not being homophobic, racist etc but when it comes to real life their behaviours show otherwise. My DH treats everyone he meets kindly and patiently and I love that about him.

However DH knows there are certain things that will not go unchallenged and it's been like that since we were 16 and I challenged naive and ignorant views when we first got together (and vice versa)