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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me save my marriage

86 replies

sadandashamed2022 · 28/01/2022 09:03

Name change because this is outing and I'm ashamed.

I told DH to find a wedding clip we were looking for, I said it should be in my emails. When searching for the video, he came across another, that I completely forgot I had, where I was having sex with an ex.

This was recorded without my knowing, and was sent to me after, as a "joke", (one of the many reasons I ended it with him). It's only a short 30 sec clip, with no faces, close up of the "action" and vocal...DH saw it all.

To say he is devastated is an understatement.

I keep reminding DH this was before I met him, but it just seems to be replaying in his head and is mental torture. Why I didn't delete it, I don't know. I guess I filed it away and forgot it was there, I've never watched it since. I don't think DH believes me, he said if he had a sex tape, he would know about it.

I don't know what to do. Our marriage is amazing, and we have had a wonderful 8 years together, with a 3 yo DS. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid for not deleting it. I can sense a part of our marriage has gone. DH knows I haven't cheated but the fact he has seen it whilst married to me makes him feel like it.

It's also brought out other insecurities, such as the ex being in better physical shape, well endowed etc.

We have an appointment for marriage counselling.

We have both cried, but we both don't know how to come back from this

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/01/2022 09:04

So your ex illegally recorded you, sent you the file to mock you and now your husband thinks this is your fault?

HollowTalk · 28/01/2022 09:05

He would have known that it was from your ex because of the email address. There's no way he could've thought that was the wedding video.

coffy11 · 28/01/2022 09:06

I don't really see what the big deal is, it was from your past. I think he's massively overreacting. His insecurities are not your fault.

HollowTalk · 28/01/2022 09:11

Is this a reverse, where the guy has kept sex videos from previous relationships?

gobbledygoook · 28/01/2022 09:31

I really feel for your DH - regardless of when the video is from, seeing your wife in that position with someone else would be really hard to forget (I'd be traumatised if I saw my DH in that sort of video!). I also can see why he's confused that you've filed it away rather than delete it. When was it sent to you - pre relationship with DH, or when you were in a relationship?

I think the counselling idea is a good one, hopefully they'll be able to help you both work through it.

Bywayofanupdate · 28/01/2022 09:36

Coffy it's not the Ops fault but but yourself in his position, that's something you can't unsee! I hope marriage counselling helps OP. In the meantime I think you just need to do lots of reassuring

DoItAfraid · 28/01/2022 09:37

@gobbledygoook

I think the counselling idea is a good one, hopefully they'll be able to help you both work through it.

Exactly this.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2022 09:45

You kept this video all these years? What on earth for?

That would be the most upsetting part for me.

Original poster

sadandashamed2022 · 28/01/2022 09:46

It was sent to me the morning after it happened. I'd say about a year or so before I met DH. I filed it and never looked at it again, and genuinely forgot about it.

I don't want to blame DH for finding something that shouldn't be there. And I want to take full responsibility to try and make this right. He just looks so broken. I've told him to not let literally 30 seconds ruin the marriage, and whilst he agrees, it's easier said than done.

OP posts:

Triotriotrio · 28/01/2022 09:47

This is retrospective jealousy and can really destroy relationships. This must have been a real shock to him (and you) and he has been blasted in the face with your past sex life, probably something that he has always tried to imagine has never happened. He needs to get over the shock, and then you can talk about it more calmly with a therapist.

I'm sorry this sounds hard. I had a similar thing happen (Oh found a picture of me topless with ex) and it caused real problems in the relationship. Our marriage counsellor said to him "but they were together, she wasn't cheating on you" which eventually sunk in.

Electricbug321 · 28/01/2022 09:58

I agree that he didn’t find that video by accident, and that logically you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Emotions aren’t logical and I can understand his pain as it’s so fresh for him, but if you otherwise have a great relationship he should be able to put this video into perspective and move on. I expect a lot of it is to do with his insecurities.

spikesonbuildings · 28/01/2022 10:05

@HollowTalk

So your ex illegally recorded you, sent you the file to mock you and now your husband thinks this is your fault?

This.

And I want to take full responsibility to try and make this right

This is not your responsibility. Its his. His feelings and his reactions are his to own and manage. This isn't yours to make right. Its his. The more you apologise and act guilty or submissive to his needs, the more you are feeding into what is, essentially, a power play from him. Its a power play to avoid responsibility to manage his own reactions, but to pass responsibility onto you. However difficult he may find his emotions, they are HIS to manage.
Not yours.

Original poster

sadandashamed2022 · 28/01/2022 10:18

@spikesonbuildings
Not sure if I understand what you mean by its his power play. I think he's just being honest about how he is feeling. Of course he will be upset and things will be difficult. And I want to work with him to make it right. Yes he needs to deal with what he has seen, but I can't just sit back and think "well that's not my problem".

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 28/01/2022 10:22

I don't think you need to do anything to fix this. I think your DH needs to look at why he is making such a huge issue about something that happened a long time ago and before you met him. There is not going to be anything you can say that will fix this.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2022 10:25

I think he’s just shocked. Understandable really! To be fair, despite you asking him to look for something, he was snooping a bit. Counselling is good. Time will help too, but basically there’s not much you can do other than what you have. He’s silly if he throws everything away because of this.

mariyana · 28/01/2022 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

alsonotmyname · 28/01/2022 10:28

He snooped and found something he shouldn't have seen and is now blaming you to justify his actions

I0NA · 28/01/2022 10:28

I agree with this - he needs to take responsibility for managing his own feelings.

Let’s assume that his finding it was a mistake - not his fault. And you didn’t agree to be filmed to you are in fact the victim of a crime. So it’s not your fault either .

You are trying to help him deal with his feelings. But you are the one who was violated - how is he supporting you with your feelings about being a victim of a crime from someone you once loved and trusted?

You are talking here as if he is the victim and you are the perpetrator. Whereas you are the victim and he is a witness to the crime.

Why do his feelings matter more here ?

WheekestLink · 28/01/2022 10:30

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Please don't go down the route of trying to save your marriage.

The most he should have said is "oh, I shouldn't have seen that!" - and when he found out it was recorded without your knowledge he should have been furious on your behalf.

Our partners have (usually) had sex with someone before we met them.

Again, you have done nothing wrong, please don't let your husband make you think you have injured him in some way.

SunflowerTed · 28/01/2022 11:41

A bit remiss on your part to still have a video like this. He needs to get over it but I can imagine why he is so upset. It would be shame if your amazing marriage is ruined by this.

spikesonbuildings · 28/01/2022 12:35

[quote sadandashamed2022]@spikesonbuildings
Not sure if I understand what you mean by its his power play. I think he's just being honest about how he is feeling. Of course he will be upset and things will be difficult. And I want to work with him to make it right. Yes he needs to deal with what he has seen, but I can't just sit back and think "well that's not my problem".[/quote]
Well, you clearly stated that you need to take full responsibility and make this right. That would appear to indicate that he is, at the very least, he is allowing you feel that this situation is your responsibility. And therefore you need to make it right.

What is he saying when you talk like this to him? Does he reassure you that it is not your fault? That you are the victim of a crime? Is he angry for you that your privacy and dignity were violated by being secretly filmed?

As PP said, you are talking like HIS is the victim here, not you.

You describe him as 'broken'. This is a ridiculously extreme reaction.
So extreme that it is hard to understand it as anything other than a power play, to put you on the back foot and fill you with guilt (which appears to be working).

No-one wants to see their spouse shagging a previous partner, but if we did I hope most people would be mature enough to realise that the feelings of jealousy they were struggling with, were their own issue to deal with, rather than putting this on their partner. And certainly in a situation like yours, I hope most men would be angry on their partners behalf. Rather than be threatening the end of the relationship.

spikesonbuildings · 28/01/2022 12:51

I suppose what I am saying OP, is that a healthy relationship response would be one where you supported him by acknowledging that watching that video had given arise to difficult feelings that he needed time and space to work through.

But that is not what you are describing. He is making you the guilty, blame worthy player and he is wounded victim that you need to make it up to. That is a deeply unhealthy dynamic, and if I were you I would refuse to play along with it.

Youngstreet · 28/01/2022 12:56

Your dh is not the victim here.
Yes, it’s a shock for him but he needs to deal with it like a mature adult and recognise that you had a life before him.
I think you should tell him that you’re no longer prepared to discuss the video, delete it and move on.

MazzleDazzle · 28/01/2022 13:03

You’ve don’t nothing wrong.

You didn’t agree to be recorded (even if you did, it would be your choice. You did not cheat on your DH.

Your ex shouldn’t have recorded you and your DH shouldn’t have opened it. They should be the ones apologising.

The fact that your DH feels weirded out is fair enough, and working through his feelings with a counsellor is a good idea, but in no way should any blame be put on you.

Hilda40 · 28/01/2022 13:08

It's no big deal he needs to get over himself

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