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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me save my marriage

86 replies

sadandashamed2022 · 28/01/2022 09:03

Name change because this is outing and I'm ashamed.

I told DH to find a wedding clip we were looking for, I said it should be in my emails. When searching for the video, he came across another, that I completely forgot I had, where I was having sex with an ex.

This was recorded without my knowing, and was sent to me after, as a "joke", (one of the many reasons I ended it with him). It's only a short 30 sec clip, with no faces, close up of the "action" and vocal...DH saw it all.

To say he is devastated is an understatement.

I keep reminding DH this was before I met him, but it just seems to be replaying in his head and is mental torture. Why I didn't delete it, I don't know. I guess I filed it away and forgot it was there, I've never watched it since. I don't think DH believes me, he said if he had a sex tape, he would know about it.

I don't know what to do. Our marriage is amazing, and we have had a wonderful 8 years together, with a 3 yo DS. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid for not deleting it. I can sense a part of our marriage has gone. DH knows I haven't cheated but the fact he has seen it whilst married to me makes him feel like it.

It's also brought out other insecurities, such as the ex being in better physical shape, well endowed etc.

We have an appointment for marriage counselling.

We have both cried, but we both don't know how to come back from this

OP posts:

hereforthetea · 28/01/2022 19:00

It's hardly a trauma. Anyone who calls it a trauma probably needs to take a long hard look at themselves as they've obviously never had to face real trauma in their lives.

It's uncomfortable for him but did he expect you'd lived as a nun? Don't snoop!! Lesson learned.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/01/2022 19:14

Hmmmm, I know the sexes are different but if a woman found a years old sex clip and the man said "oh I just forgot to delete it" there'd be much scepticism about it.

Now, from your posts it' seems a genuine oversight on your part but I can see your DH's issue and he's getting way too rough a ride from some posters on here.

Motnight · 28/01/2022 19:26

You can't put it right, Op. You were the victim of a crime. Any discussion should be around that. Why does it seem to be all about your husband?

I don't see why you feel any shame. I think that your husband needs to give his head a wobble.

Regularsizedrudy · 28/01/2022 19:39

I think your husband needs to grow the fuck up tbh.

DrDreReturns · 28/01/2022 19:54

I know my partner has had other partners. I don't want to see it. I don't think that's unreasonable.

curmudgeonly007 · 28/01/2022 20:19

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Hmmmm, I know the sexes are different but if a woman found a years old sex clip and the man said "oh I just forgot to delete it" there'd be much scepticism about it.

Now, from your posts it' seems a genuine oversight on your part but I can see your DH's issue and he's getting way too rough a ride from some posters on here.

100% this, some ridiculous responses here, as usual, just imagine if some of the posters came across a video of their husband screwing their ex and his response was to just shrug and say “Oh that’s in the past, just grow the fuck up, give your head a wobble,”

ohdelay · 28/01/2022 20:45

@DrDreReturns

I know my partner has had other partners. I don't want to see it. I don't think that's unreasonable.

This. He's seen it now and is wondering why OP kept the video. It doesn't make him some sort of dickhead that he's not said all the right "perfect imaginary boyfriend" words and is a bit upset. It's actually a pretty mild response to watching a sex tape of your spouse.

DerAlteMann · 28/01/2022 20:53

@HollowTalk

He would have known that it was from your ex because of the email address. There's no way he could've thought that was the wedding video.

Where does the OP say he thinks it's a wedding video?

duvetdayforeveryone · 28/01/2022 20:58

Your husband's response: "I'll never look at you in the same way again".

The response he should have given you: "I'm so sorry such a terrible thing happened to you. If you want to go to the police I can come with you, or if you prefer to forget we can do that too. Just know whatever you choose to do I will always love you".

Your husband's response makes me question whether he loves you his wife, or if he is in love with the idea of having the perfect wife.

Aria2015 · 28/01/2022 21:10

You don't say how long ago this happened? I think time is your friend here. It's obviously not ideal that he's seen it (no one really wants to see their current spouse having sex with someone else regardless of when it happened). You're at no fault at all and I think you being reassuring and understanding of how your dh is feeling is great. It's what we do for our partners. But if it's all fairly recent, I'd maybe hold off on the marriage counselling (if this is the only reason you're going) because it is almost like fanning the flames a bit. I think there is a good chance that he will put the whole thing in perspective a bit more once some time has passed and he's over the initial shock and his feelings are less raw.

freeatlast2021 · 28/01/2022 21:19

First of all, I do not think your husband was “snooping”. If he had searched for “video” or emails with attachment he would have run into this video. I totally understand that this may have made him uncomfortable, it would me, for sure. However, I think that he is totally overreacting. To say that he is broken over this is ridiculous (sorry).

I totally agree with some other posters that all this has nothing to do with you. You did not DO anything and you cannot help him deal with this. This is something that he has to deal with himself and should not, under any circumstance, blame you for anything.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 28/01/2022 21:24

Saving it was a bit daft but I can see how you would file it away and forget. No one would like to see their spouse with an ex but tbh your DH is making a massive deal over a very small thing. You mentioned this bringing up insecurities - that’s maybe something he should explore in counselling by himself?

Kittykat93 · 29/01/2022 08:44

@DrDreReturns

I know my partner has had other partners. I don't want to see it. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Then don't snoop on your partners old files from 9 years ago 🤷

Freddy12 · 29/01/2022 09:07

I am with updown on this one
Yes it would have been a shock 100%
You have both had sex with others in the past and both know this
I would not want to see a video of my wife having sex with an ex who would, however I know it has happened as it has for me so I would forget and move on no big deal
If I think of my wife’s past I tend to frame it that she has chosen to be with me and I feel very happy about that
We all have pasts there is a video of me having sex with a guys wife ( he filmed) my copy is deleted years ago it could surface I know Mrs F would frame in the same way as we have discussed
The past has past that was then and this is now

Original poster

sadandashamed2022 · 29/01/2022 09:19

@Aria2015
It happened about 10 days ago. It's still fresh. And it's brought up everyday in a "how are you".. Not great, kind of way.
The whole vid is replaying in his head all the time and it's mental torture.
I agree he needs to pull himself out of it.

He's a sensitive guy, a romantic and a family man. Which is why I married him. I'm not as emotional as him and quite cut throat, to the point etc . The "typical" gender stereotypes are reversed with us. So whilst I agree in theory with the majority of posters here saying it's in the past, what can you do, I feel helpless to see my best friend going through pain.

He's not blaming me for anything, it's just sad to see everyday.

OP posts:

disco82 · 29/01/2022 09:25

Oh this sounds really tough for you both! I think knowing your partner has had sex before is very different from seeing it.

Tbh he probably thinks you kept it because you thought it was great sex and occasionally watch it back fantasising about your ex - that's triggered all this. However, marriage counselling for it seems very drastic! I think this is something only time will heal - no amount of talking about it with someone else is going to erase the memory. All you can do is be loving and caring and remind him this video was against your wishes, and a reminder of a dark time in your life. Not wank fodder for you. And he will eventually get over it, but he can't just check out of the marriage and life - he needs to sit with his feelings, discuss any insecurities this has triggered and work on that. If he thinks your sex life doesn't compare, have a night of experimenting and trying new things, spice up your sex life. Make your own sex tape (then delete it).

I hope you've deleted this video now? I think it is a bit unfortunate you didn't delete it immediately given you never even consented. Also I hope your ex hasn't distributed this video else where.

CockalierMum · 29/01/2022 09:26

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Hmmmm, I know the sexes are different but if a woman found a years old sex clip and the man said "oh I just forgot to delete it" there'd be much scepticism about it.

Now, from your posts it' seems a genuine oversight on your part but I can see your DH's issue and he's getting way too rough a ride from some posters on here.

Absolutely agree with this! Honestly a man would get such a hard time if he'd been found to have kept a sex video with an ex. Bet most people wouldn't believe he'd just forgotten about it but of course he's supposed to believe OP without question.

Chilledchablis1 · 29/01/2022 09:54

I wish you would change your username to sadbutNOTashamed

leafcuttingwhale · 29/01/2022 11:32

[quote sadandashamed2022]@updownroundandround
Thank you. That is really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to write that. It's nice to hear from a different perspective. I'll do this.[/quote]
Updownroundandrounds post is excellent. Though more expansive, its message is exactly what a lot of other posters have said on this thread. I'm at a loss at to why you thought this was a different perspective...

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/01/2022 12:47

I agree that he’s milking this. He is using it as a control / manipulation tactic - either than or he is seriously emotionally immature.

It’s understandable that for a day or two someone might feel a bit weirded out over seeing a clip like that - but 10 days later he’s still got wounded puppy dog eyes and stonewalling you? That’s not right.
You haven’t done anything wrong here OP, you’ve given him enough grace having a few days to gather his thoughts and get over it. But coming on for two weeks he’s still punishing you through the refusal to either get back to normal or leave.
How long will you allow him to do this?
I agree with PPs, this isn’t a relationship issue which needs joint counselling, this is a personal issue for him that he is so insecure that he would rather end his marriage and leave his kid than get over himself and accept you had sex with a fitter bloke with a bigger nob a decade ago.

Kittykat93 · 29/01/2022 12:52

But the dh was snooping...that's wrong. He is in the wrong.

curmudgeonly007 · 29/01/2022 13:49

@Kittykat93

But the dh was snooping...that's wrong. He is in the wrong.

But this is not true, the Op asked her husband to look in her emails for a video, so not really snooping

leafcuttingwhale · 29/01/2022 13:53

this is a personal issue for him that he is so insecure that he would rather end his marriage and leave his kid than get over himself and accept you had sex with a fitter bloke with a bigger nob a decade ago

Ok, that's blunt but it does sum up the issue quite well

Eleganz · 29/01/2022 14:02

Well, MN is on form here as usual. Wondered how long it would be before we converged on the idea that the DH was a gaslighting creep.

Are you seriously saying that if you came across a video of your DH/DP shagging his ex that he had kept stashed away in his emails for years you would be totally 100% okay about it and definitely not still upset after a few days? If a woman came on here with that story there would be a chorus of "LTB" and a steadfast refusal to believe the husband's excuse that he had "totally forgotten" that the video existed.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you might be wondering why your DH has kept this video of his ex who might well be in better shape and have bigger boobs than you all this time? Perhaps you might have thoughts that he still has feelings for this woman? Perhaps it is more than that? Perhaps he has just "settled" on you and isn't really satisfied?

Of course in OP's case these feelings are all likely to be irrational, but that doesn't mean her DH isn't feeling them or can find it easy to dismiss them. It also doesn't mean that OP should just wash her hands of the situation and just tell him to get on with it. Whether it was OP's active choice or not to keep the video it has damaged the trust in the relationship and that is for both partners to work through.

leafcuttingwhale · 29/01/2022 14:46

Couldn't disagree more with @Eleganz. This is not a case of a stash of home porn of ex partners, kept in a special file on his hard-drive. This is an extremely old email, of a tiny 30 sec clip of sex, kept amongst other emails that she invited her DH to look through, and was therefore discoverable.

ll this points to OPs account of not remembering it and it was something sent through by a dick of an ex. Rather than her regular masturbation material.

You'd have to be seriously paranoid and insecure to think otherwise.

But don't miss a trick to try to put down women encouraging other women to assert boundaries rather than abase themselves with shame and guilt in the face of a man's sexual jealousy, eh?

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