Help me save my marriage

[sadandashamed2022]

Name change because this is outing and I'm ashamed.

I told DH to find a wedding clip we were looking for, I said it should be in my emails. When searching for the video, he came across another, that I completely forgot I had, where I was having sex with an ex.

This was recorded without my knowing, and was sent to me after, as a "joke", (one of the many reasons I ended it with him). It's only a short 30 sec clip, with no faces, close up of the "action" and vocal...DH saw it all.

To say he is devastated is an understatement.

I keep reminding DH this was before I met him, but it just seems to be replaying in his head and is mental torture. Why I didn't delete it, I don't know. I guess I filed it away and forgot it was there, I've never watched it since. I don't think DH believes me, he said if he had a sex tape, he would know about it.

I don't know what to do. Our marriage is amazing, and we have had a wonderful 8 years together, with a 3 yo DS. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid for not deleting it. I can sense a part of our marriage has gone. DH knows I haven't cheated but the fact he has seen it whilst married to me makes him feel like it.

It's also brought out other insecurities, such as the ex being in better physical shape, well endowed etc.

We have an appointment for marriage counselling.

We have both cried, but we both don't know how to come back from this

Op, you sound like a really caring partner and I think your dh has just been blindsided.
If it's going over and over in his head, he can't help that. Loads of people, men and women sometimes struggle to control what their mind chews over for alsorts of reasons large and small. There are millions of threads on this forum alone based on this type of thing.
But if you both keep the lines of communication open and with help to process it all I'm sure you can get past this. Mutual respect and listening goes a long way.

@leafcuttingwhale

Couldn't disagree more with *@Eleganz*. This is not a case of a stash of home porn of ex partners, kept in a special file on his hard-drive. This is an extremely old email, of a tiny 30 sec clip of sex, kept amongst other emails that she invited her DH to look through, and was therefore discoverable.

ll this points to OPs account of not remembering it and it was something sent through by a dick of an ex. Rather than her regular masturbation material.

You'd have to be seriously paranoid and insecure to think otherwise.

But don't miss a trick to try to put down women encouraging other women to assert boundaries rather than abase themselves with shame and guilt in the face of a man's sexual jealousy, eh?

Never said it was the equivalent of a porn stash deliberately concealed. Really not interested in attempts at straw-manning there. Please don't put words in my mouth thanks.

You will see what you want to see in this situation influenced by your own biases. You obviously can't empathise at all with the husband in this scenario and that is what it is. Not my problem no need to claim that I am some kind of enemy of womankind because of it though.

@Eleganz

Well, MN is on form here as usual. Wondered how long it would be before we converged on the idea that the DH was a gaslighting creep.

Are you seriously saying that if you came across a video of your DH/DP shagging his ex that he had kept stashed away in his emails for years you would be totally 100% okay about it and definitely not still upset after a few days? If a woman came on here with that story there would be a chorus of "LTB" and a steadfast refusal to believe the husband's excuse that he had "totally forgotten" that the video existed.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you might be wondering why your DH has kept this video of his ex who might well be in better shape and have bigger boobs than you all this time? Perhaps you might have thoughts that he still has feelings for this woman? Perhaps it is more than that? Perhaps he has just "settled" on you and isn't really satisfied?

Of course in OP's case these feelings are all likely to be irrational, but that doesn't mean her DH isn't feeling them or can find it easy to dismiss them. It also doesn't mean that OP should just wash her hands of the situation and just tell him to get on with it. Whether it was OP's active choice or not to keep the video it has damaged the trust in the relationship and that is for both partners to work through.

Yep, 100% this, if the husband had kept a video of himself shagging his Ex who was fitter had bigger boobs, he would be ripped a new arsehole, and there would be a chorus of LTB.

But he shouldn't be opening emails from years ago before she was with him and watching videos in those emails. That is snooping.

Urgh why does mumsnet keep missing off the quote part of my comment ffs

Never said it was the equivalent of a porn stash deliberately concealed. Really not interested in attempts at straw-manning there. Please don't put words in my mouth thanks
What an odd thing to say. My point is that it is NOT the equivalent.
And as such, absolute no basis for thinking your wife has a secret porn-fuelled wank over her (long, long ago) ex lover.

You will see what you want to see in this situation influenced by your own biases As indeed will you.

You obviously can't empathise at all with the husband in this scenario I can absolutely emphasise with the struggle with jealous feelings, having been in a not so dissimilar situation to the husband myself. It is hard. What I cannot justify is his inability to take responsibility for recognising his feelings are irrational and taking sole ownership for taking control over them, as I, and other posters here, chose to do. And moping about and letting his wife take on the job of guilt and shame and feeling she has to 'save the marriage'. Absolutely no sympathy with that. No.

I can absolutely empathize with the struggle with jealous feelings, having been in a not so dissimilar situation to the husband myself. It is hard. What I cannot justify is his inability to take responsibility for recognizing his feelings are irrational and taking sole ownership for taking control over them, as I, and other posters here, chose to do. And moping about and letting his wife take on the job of guilt and shame and feeling she has to 'save the marriage'. Absolutely no sympathy with that. No.

Well said @leafcuttingwhale !

It's obviously shocked him and I think it'll take time for him to get over it. Everyone has a past but seeing it play in front of you in hd is pretty brutal. I'm sure most people have the occasional insecure thought about how they live up to their partner's exes in the bedroom?

If a woman came on here and said she'd found a sex video of her husband with an ex, everyone would be saying there's no way he kept it accidentally or forgot that he has it. So I can understand the OP's husband being a bit skeptical of that. OP went to as far as filing it, but chose not to delete it. Can sort of understand his suspicion there. But nothing more either of them can do now but try and come to terms with it. If that needs counselling then go for it.

If it was sent to you years ago, how exactly did he find it? By searching back through 9 years of emails or 9 years of photos/ videos? It's surely not something he could have stumbled upon by pure chance?

As for his reaction - seems well over the top to me. Admitted an uncomfortable watch, but doesn't he have the imagination to understand you might have had sex before he met you? He sounds very insecure and up himself that he is reacting so badly. Why isnt he considering your feelings? I presume it isn't something you wanted him to see, so you are not to blame in any way.

@HollowTalk

So your ex illegally recorded you, sent you the file to mock you and now your husband thinks this is your fault?

This is what you need to focus on.

You are a victim her, not your husband.

Hopefully with time, he will be able to think more rationally and reasonably about it? Presumably he knows your optimism’s on your ex, and the reasons the relationship ended? I understand his feelings, from the perspective of not being able to forget it / unsee it - I had a similar situation with my DP, nothing he had done ‘wrong’ either, just a story he told me from his past, he met a woman who could have multiple orgasms, he can do similar - and the night of constant sex they had. We do not do this. Do I feel inadequate now? Yes!
But he is with me for many other reasons I imagine, and your DH has got to learn to be able to view it from this aspect too, eventually!