Help me save my marriage

[sadandashamed2022]

Name change because this is outing and I'm ashamed.

I told DH to find a wedding clip we were looking for, I said it should be in my emails. When searching for the video, he came across another, that I completely forgot I had, where I was having sex with an ex.

This was recorded without my knowing, and was sent to me after, as a "joke", (one of the many reasons I ended it with him). It's only a short 30 sec clip, with no faces, close up of the "action" and vocal...DH saw it all.

To say he is devastated is an understatement.

I keep reminding DH this was before I met him, but it just seems to be replaying in his head and is mental torture. Why I didn't delete it, I don't know. I guess I filed it away and forgot it was there, I've never watched it since. I don't think DH believes me, he said if he had a sex tape, he would know about it.

I don't know what to do. Our marriage is amazing, and we have had a wonderful 8 years together, with a 3 yo DS. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and stupid for not deleting it. I can sense a part of our marriage has gone. DH knows I haven't cheated but the fact he has seen it whilst married to me makes him feel like it.

It's also brought out other insecurities, such as the ex being in better physical shape, well endowed etc.

We have an appointment for marriage counselling.

We have both cried, but we both don't know how to come back from this

You've done nothing wrong. You forgot you had the video. I couldn't tell you what old emails I have. I'm sure if you'd remembered you'd have deleted it.

When you husband opened the email he surely knew it wasn't your wedding video. He knew that it was something between your ex and you. He didn't have to open the email or the attachment.

It's unfortunate that he did. And I can imagine it's something he'll struggle to forget. But please stop taking responsibility and apologising - you've done nothing wrong.

It will become toxic if you accept responsibility as though you've done something wrong. Surely the rational side of your DH's brain understands you've nothing to apologise for?

@alsonotmyname

He snooped and found something he shouldn't have seen and is now blaming you to justify his actions

It's harsh, but I agree with this.

OP, this is not your fault. He needs to take responsibility for his reaction. Other than a simple, straightforward reminder that you love him and he has nothing to feel insecure about, you should draw a line under it. My worry is that the way you are handling it will simply reinforce/confirm his view that this really is your fault and that his (complete over) reaction is in fact proportional and justified.

Personally I would absolutely not engage with the idea of couples counselling. If he is having problems processing what he saw then he should be seeking help with that privately. This is not your fault.

My worry is that the way you are handling it will simply reinforce/confirm his view that this really is your fault and that his (complete over) reaction is in fact proportional and justified. Personally I would absolutely not engage with the idea of couples counselling. If he is having problems processing what he saw then he should be seeking help with that privately

I agree with all of this.

When did this happen, the discovery?

I think just both agree to take a breath and wait a few days before discussing it again. Rationally you haven’t done anything wrong, but he’s shocked and feeling insecure right now. Let that initial flare of emotion die down a bit and then see how you both feel x

You haven't done anything wrong (though I'd suggest cleaning up your old files) but I can understand why it was upsetting for him to see. It sounds as though you care for each other deeply and have a good relationship, so time, and kindness to each other, could be the great healer.

it's definitely worth looking into couples counselling if it's continuing to erm come between you.

I’d have kept it purely so I had a record of it being sent and when for all sorts of reasons to protect myself/if I decided to report etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it not being deleted.

Your husband is understandably in shock. No one would want to see that. But the emphasis in counselling needs to be how you didn’t need or want it made in the first place. And retrospectively blaming you or changing how he sees you is not on. You are both passive victims in this, but the violation is about you, not your husband.

I truly understand how awful this must have been though. I think this is about you refocusing on how you’re a team rather than letting it drive a wedge between you.

Ignoring the issue of it being a bit daft keeping such videos floating about your DH sounds like a massive twat. Most people have a sexual history before entering a relationship and if someone can't handle that then it's a bit of a red flag to be honest. As for not being in as good shape as the ex tell him lay off the cakes and get down the gym.

It’s in the past. He has a past too.

I’m just wondering what type of email account you have that you can store all these videos and forget about them. I have to instantly delete anything big like that. Sorry that is nothing to do with your issue, but I think marriage counselling is a great idea. Keep going for a year, even if it’s tough, and see how you get on. All the best.

Ffs your dh is being ridiculous. He snooped. He knew damn well clicking on that video that it was your personal files, not a wedding video. He just doesn't like what he saw. You haven't cheated or done anything wrong - why do you need to save your marriage??

I must say I'm very surprised that so many of you are saying it's an over reaction and just to wait until he deals with it internally himself.

It's just very difficult in the evenings to just sit quietly with the elephant in the room. And his smile has gone. It's just a very sad time.

I suppose if this was the other way around, I'd be traumatised watching something like that, and would look for my DH to support me, rather than a "oh well, all in the past" shrug.

To be honest if you accidently stumbling across an old naughty video that was made way before you had even met your current partner leads to 'trauma' and requires marraige counseling I would be seriously questioning your emotional maturity.

His reaction should have been, ‘Oh my goodness did you know this was here? What’s that about? Jeez your ex was a dick wasn’t he? Shall we delete it?’

Your reaction should have been, ‘oh my goodness I’d completely forgotten about that, yeah what a dick, he made that without me knowing you know and sent it to me just to be a prick, yeah happy to delete that one.’

And then seriously, get on with your lives, with both of you putting it down to being a rather unpleasant incident (the finding the video that is, I mean the fact that it was made and sent to you in the first place was much much worse).

His reaction is about something else, I think.

I think people are being really harsh, as though emotions shouldn't exist.
This situation is an infortunate one and no-one is to blame.
But your dh got a massive shock, I bet he wasn't expecting what he saw and seeing you in the act with someone else is a jolt however cool you are about someone having had previous partners (obviously to be expected).
I think, once he has processed everything it has thrown up you'll be OK and it will be one of the bumps in the road of life that you navigate together.
Successful couples don't wash their hands of each others emotions, sit back and say your problem mate, deal with it!
This recording has thrown up questions and issues : as to why you have kept it (answer, no reason it just didn't get deleted); whether you've enjoyed watching it since (he needs to appreciate this being in your possession is forgettable to you though it might not be to him if roles were reversed); his insecurity about unfavourable comparisons (he needs time and to know he has everything you need and want); the ick factor of this getting inside his head next time you are being intimate.....
None of this is small or easy. It needs patience to work through it together, and faith from him and you that your relationship is good, strong and worth fighting for to come out the other side.

Good luck op. Don't berate yourself, communicate and reassure but don't take on a ton of blame as such. This is an unwanted problem, and neither of you asked for this, you're in it together and if you trust each other it can heal.

@sadandashamed2022

I must say I'm very surprised that so many of you are saying it's an over reaction and just to wait until he deals with it internally himself.

It's just very difficult in the evenings to just sit quietly with the elephant in the room. And his smile has gone. It's just a very sad time.

I suppose if this was the other way around, I'd be traumatised watching something like that, and would look for my DH to support me, rather than a "oh well, all in the past" shrug.

You are not saying anything about how he is supporting you and your feelings as a victim of a crime.

How is he helping you deal with your trauma ?

@I0NA
I'm not traumatised. It happened, it's in the past and I moved on shortly afterwards. Not very traumatised considering I forgot it was there.

I want to help him heal, that's all.

No-one is saying you shouldn't support him by understanding that it was difficult for him to watch this and allowing him time to manage his feelings, or to support him having his own counselling.

But how you have described you reaction is not so much support as total capitulation and putting yourself in the guilty, appeasing role and him in the victim role. That is not healthy.

If you are 'sitting quietly' does that mean he is stonewalling you too?

Being broken and devastated and potentially marriage ending over someone your spouse had sex with before they were with you, and sex you had, what, over a decade ago? That is not a normal reaction. Hard feelings to process on seeing that, yes. But none of those hard feelings should be directed at you. And he should not be tolerating, and certainly not encouraging, any abasement or ' responsibility' taking, or I need to put this right' rhetoric from you. If he does, he's blaming you. And that's really not ok.

Was your husband a virgin when you met? I’m assuming from his dramatic reaction that he was .

Please understand, no one is saying that it’s nothing or that he has no right to be bothered by what he saw.

But his reaction is was OTT and his attempts to blame you for this are just plain nasty. And him trying to make you responsible for his “healing” are controlling.

Regardless of how you feel, the fact is that a crime has been committed against you and he is a witness to that .

If he needs help to get over this he needs to speak to a counsellor himself . It’s not fair of him to expect hoi to deal with his issues.

It’s the same as if I’m upset because by mother in law died. It’s not my husbands job to support me in my grieving . It’s my job to support him as his loss is greater .

I need to turn to my own friends or family for support for me.

There's a good reason we tell people not to snoop...you end up seeing stuff you don't want to.

You have not done anything wrong. Filmed without your knowledge - but to be fair, even if you had been complicit, what happened before your DH is your business. And you don't really have to explain or defend keeping it, that again, is your choice. I still have a 'sex tape' with an ex from when I was in my teens. Do I watch it? No, but it's my damn choice as to whether I want to get rid of It or not.

Do not apologise, you have nothing to apologise for. You are not in the wrong.

Hi OP

I've been in a similar situation myself except it was an old video of my DP and his ex from when they were together, which he forgot was on his phone and they'd both agreed to (obviously I only have his word for that but I would guess from the video it to be true given the smile she was giving him and the camera ).

It saw it as he was showing me some other videos. He was very apologetic and said he should of deleted it but had forgot it was on there. I had no reason to doubt this as he never deletes anything off his phone and has loads of random stuff on there. He has since of his own accord deleted quite a lot of things off.

I was a little bit blind sided seeing it as it was unexpected and it wasn't until a while after the shock wore off, I actually started thinking about how I felt having seen it.

Obviously I knew he'd been with other people but it felt quite confronting to see.

When it sank in what I'd seen, I started doubting myself and comparing our relationship and theirs and me to her, but I had to catch hold of myself otherwise I knew it would get in my head and cause issues.

I had to remind myself he's not with her for a reason, we have a very good sex life, we get on well and have a brilliant relationship and that I trust him, so why should I be so bothered by something that's in the past. When I thought about it that way I realised it wasn't a big deal unless I made it one. I just needed a bit of time to process it for what it was.

He was also very reassuring when we spoke about it and was very sincere when he apologised if it had upset me and acknowledged how he'd feel if it was the other way round.

Hopefully a bit of time and some counselling help but I'd also be careful not to end up feeling guilty. As it was filmed without your permission, I can see why you might have kept it and would have expected him to be more concerned with how you felt about what happened.

You need to have a clear out of your inbox OP, if you have emails that are 9+ years old in there!

I get that it would not have been nice for your DH to see, but he shouldn't have been snooping at your old emails anyway. He must know what year you got married and he was obviously looking at stuff older than that.

@sadandashamed2022

You said ''I'm not traumatised. It happened, it's in the past and I moved on shortly afterwards'', and that's exactly what you should be telling your husband !

I honestly think that all the 'pussyfooting' around your H's 'hurt feelings' is waaaayyyyy to excessive, and it's actually encouraging the behaviour ffs.

Tonight, sit him down, and tell him clearly and calmly that you're fed up with him moping around and being all 'quiet' and 'broken', because it was simply an unexpected and brief video, which you hadn't even remembered you had (which he was 'snooping' at, because it clearly wasn't a bloody wedding video, even before he opened it !) and he needs to put it in that context too, instead of acting as if he walked into the lounge and caught you and your Ex at it on the bloody sofa !

Tell him you love him, and that nothing has changed for you, but that you understand that he'll maybe need a few days to 'process' his emotions, and you will give him the time to do that. But you will not

1. Apologise, because you've done nothing wrong.
2. Put up with the weird 'silences' and downcast expressions, there's no reason he cannot talk to you reasonably/ normally.
3. Be trying to 'fix' anything, because nothing's broken.
4. Be justifying anything, because you've got nothing to justify.
5. Feel 'guilty' because you are not guilty of anything.
6. Continue any sort of 'pussy footing' behaviour around him any more.

All you can do, is to tell him that you love him and nothing has changed with that. Reiterate that he knew you had previous sexual partners, same as he did, and you've both been OK with that, and that hasn't changed. The fact that he now has to 'process' and accept a visual of this, is his own fault.

You've said that you're both going to have marriage counselling, but I think that initially, he should see the counsellr alone, as it's actually his issue that he's 'struggling' to be Ok with you having previous sexual partners that aren't 'disembodied ghosts'. Once he has been seen a couple of times, then joint would be good, to ensure you've both reached the point of not blaming or assuming blame.

I'm not saying to 'disregard' his feelings, but I am saying to stop assuming blame/responsibility for 'fixing' his hurt feelings.
You were not to blame.
No-one can 'fix' his 'hurt feelings' but him, because you didn't hurt his feelings. He is hurting himself by 'dwelling' on it and not being realistic about your sexual past, and you are encouraging this by allowing him to mope and play 'victim'.

@DillonPanthersTexas

To be honest if you accidently stumbling across an old naughty video that was made way before you had even met your current partner leads to 'trauma' and requires marraige counseling I would be seriously questioning your emotional maturity.

Absolutely this!

I don't get it there is literally nothing for you to apologise for OP. Your DH needs to get a grip.

@updownroundandround
Thank you. That is really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to write that. It's nice to hear from a different perspective. I'll do this.

Also agree with everything @updownroundandround has written. Stop feeling guilty and pandering to his moping.

Unless he thought you were the Virgin Mary when you met him, he needs to deal with it.

We've all got a past. We don't want to see it on film but that can't be changed now. As many people have said, you've done literally nothing wrong.