Men forced to choose between DW and DC or birth family - hoping for success stories

[successstories]

NC for this. I find this topic very painful so I will try to keep it generic

I've seen examples of men who are forced by their DW, who is very dominant, to disrespect and somewhat neglect their birth family, hence pushing them apart.

Let's assume parents are not (and have never been) toxic or abusive and these men are not financially dependent on their DWs. Also these men have always had a good relationship with their parents, so no unresolved issues involved.

Can you share any success stories of husbands who could regain some balance, stand up to their wives without it ending up in divorce or them going NC with their birth family?

What did it take? Can it be done?

Why would it necessarily be the wife’s doing? I think sometimes families of origin blame the wife, rather than examining themselves and their own actions.
I have extended family where I’ve seen this happen. There’s been a huge falling out between the father his son, and the son’s wife. The father blames the wife. What’s actually happened that the fathers behaviours is so poor and emotionally abusive but has been normalised within the family. It took the wife to point it out, and the son has realised and agreed. But the father blames the wife instead of examining his own many years of poor behaviour.

I'm guessing your son has pulled away from you and you think it's his wife's doing.

My husband and his brother don't speak and his brother thinks that's my fault and merrily tells people so. Because DH wasn't like that before he met me. DH had been taking his brother's abuse for years with nobody in his corner. When I was there, he suddenly felt he could cope if the rest of his family shunned him for telling his brother how he felt.

If someone feels empowered to enforce boundaries because of the support someone else gives them, that's not the 'doing' of the supportive person.

On the other hand, my cousin stopped talking to his entire family because his exW took issue with something his mum said to her. After they broke up he said that she used to throw huge tantrums if he suggested visiting family, so it was easier not to

The title says 'and DC'? Why are you asking him to choose between you and his children. That's horrific emotional abuse.

I think each family member's experience of a relationship can be very different. So it's not possible to know how the son/brother actually felt beforehand to state no unresolved issues etc.

But assuming no issues, I have noticed with friends that the woman often makes a lot of effort to keep contact with family and the man makes little effort. Things like buying thoughtful presents, sending grandparents invites to child school Nativity, cooking a Sunday lunch for extended family, planning an afternoon out etc. The woman does far more of these things so they naturally end up much closer to her extended family.

I can think of two couples where the man does a lot of those things.... and they are close with both families.

Thank you, I appreciate your responses.

I know sometimes it isn't the DW's fault. But I wanted to specifically focus on scenarios where it is (and we all know that this can and does happen)

On the other hand, my cousin stopped talking to his entire family because his exW took issue with something his mum said to her. After they broke up he said that she used to throw huge tantrums if he suggested visiting family, so it was easier not to

Does the birth family have to wait for the man to be divorced before he comes to his senses or is there a way for him to resolve this earlier? How much valuable time needs to be wasted along the way, how much heartache do both parties need to endure?

I can think of two couples where the man does a lot of those things

That's interesting. Thank you MarvellousMrsMaisel

I think it can work both ways.

Sometimes family dynamics does mean bad behaviour has been normalised. My Dad is a bit like that in that he's got away with shitty behaviours down the years.

On the other hand you see it on the step parent page and some women really do struggle with a situation they can't control or aren't at the centre of. I think it comes down to a toxicity whether it's male or female and how much others put up with it.

I think bringing someone new into a family always changes the dynamic and there isn't a lot to be done about that in itself. If the dh values the relationship he has with his dw more than his other family relationships, there's also not a lot to be done. You can set your own boundaries about eg rudeness, and you can maintain your own version of events in the face of lies or rewriting history. But the cultural hierarchy here will always prioritise the couple relationship not the family of origin.

Has the relationship with the wife ever been good? E.g. before the marriage, or before kids?
If so, did anything happen to cause the relationship to break down?
Do you have any contact now?
It might help to sit down and think carefully about where you are now, and where you want to get to (harmonious family) and then start planning what steps you need to take to make that happen.

The only way I have seen this actually improve (with some family friends) is where the family of origin got more involved with the DC by providing useful childcare (started in an emergency during 2020, the family then offered to continue). This built bridges with the DW (the family were very respectful of how she & her DH wanted things done with the DC, and this respect led to more mutual respect). Now in this case they all see each other regularly on the weekends as well. However obviously this depends on being able to give help and demonstrate respect to to the DW, which may not be possible in all situations.

On the one hand, abusive partners often divide people against their families and friends - you see it on here all the time. In which case your main hope is to keep channels of communication open and wait.

On the other, this phrase "parents are not (and have never been) toxic or abusive" will always make me raise an eyebrow. My parents and in laws would both say this and mean it, without the slightest self-awareness.

I don’t see why anyone would want to cut off their partners entirely innocent family unless they were abusive themselves

Shoxfordian sadly some people like to isolate their spouse due to control and jealousy. Not saying this is what is happening here as it’s to vague an OP, but it does happen.

The title says 'and DC'?

If so, did anything happen to cause the relationship to break down?

Sometimes I've seen the relationship change and people show a completely different side to them when the DW has felt more secure in the relationship. For example after marriage or birth of the first child.

The only way I have seen this actually improve (with some family friends) is where the family of origin got more involved with the DC by providing useful childcare (started in an emergency during 2020, the family then offered to continue)

I understand this to an extent. But it does feel like the family is being used. Sometimes the man's parents are elderly (and can't offer free childcare) and there isn't much left for them to 'bargain' with (as this is what it seems to be).

@Mycatsgoldtooth; Yes like I said, some people are abusive and that’s why they want to cut off their partner’s family. Being controlling or jealous is abusive behaviour.

I’m a little suspicious of how innocent the family are in all this tbh

It depends on the reason for the fallout, surely?

You'll get more constructive help if you post what is actually going on instead of phishing with hypotheticals. People can speculate forever but you're not telling us what the situation is at all. HTH.

I’m a little suspicious of how innocent the family are in all this tbh

Everyone has their faults and no family (or couple) relationships are perfect, we all know this. But it's easy to see when there's something not right and behaviours become controlling. It's very sad and scary to witness

It really depends on the circumstances.

My ex would not stand up for me to his family and they were abusive to me.

It’s part of the reason why we split.

The abuse of me carried on in terms of his family bad mouthing me and saying horrendous things about me to my children.

The kids are now no contact with them and v low contact with their dad. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't know... some men are less pro active in maintaining regular contact with family.

My DH for example calls his mum every Sunday just the say hallo and it last all of 3 seconds. He visits mabe every 6-8 weeks.
We don't see his sibling unless it's Christmas, birthday and other special occasions. They all live in the same town.
There isn't a big back story, it's just how he is.
I don't stop him seeing his family either. But we have busy lives with DD and both working full time... so fitting everyone in is sometimes a struggle!

By describing it as men and their wives rather than a man and his wife, or people and their partners, you're making it sound as if this is about how pushy women can be. I don't know if that was your intention. But the result will be that you just get people's backs up and have them defending women. If this is a serious thread and you want to hear how people have dealt with similar situations (even with the roles reversed) you could perhaps try starting a new one simply describing your situation. No-one knows or cares who you are.

I think sometimes men don't see the 'faults' in their family dynamic until they get to know their partner's and obviously experience their own as parents too.

My DP has realised in the last few years that there are difficulties in his family dynamic by being exposed to my own fairly mundane (although separated so not hearts and flowers) one.

It also may not be the parents- his are quirky but essentially well-meaning, however he has a sibling who makes life very difficult and unfortunately the parents think that sibling is perfect and so this upsets the dynamic and relationship between DP and parents when if you took sibling out of the equation it would be fine.

So it's my 'fault', as in he has had the realisation since being with me, but it's not me that's at fault IYSWIM.

Do you mean situations like on here where women complain their male partner had the gaul to see or even just contact his mother on Mother's Day? Or where the in-laws aren't allowed to see a newborn but her family are?

I don't know how you change that attitude.