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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men forced to choose between DW and DC or birth family - hoping for success stories

125 replies

successstories · 26/01/2022 04:12

NC for this. I find this topic very painful so I will try to keep it generic

I've seen examples of men who are forced by their DW, who is very dominant, to disrespect and somewhat neglect their birth family, hence pushing them apart.

Let's assume parents are not (and have never been) toxic or abusive and these men are not financially dependent on their DWs. Also these men have always had a good relationship with their parents, so no unresolved issues involved.

Can you share any success stories of husbands who could regain some balance, stand up to their wives without it ending up in divorce or them going NC with their birth family?

What did it take? Can it be done?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 14:16

@pombears22

Why are wives buying presents/cards for everyone??? Sounds insane
I do it because firstly I work PT and he’s FT and secondly because I enjoy it and DH doesn’t
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/01/2022 15:16

Why is it always easier to blame the wife than accept your darling son might be at fault?

I get this too. DH doesn’t bother with his family, he just can’t be arsed and I have always been blamed for it. ‘ I stole him away’ or ‘she’s controlling and won’t let him come home’

He’s a grown bloody man and can do what he wants. It’s a very small percentage of men who are actually in the position your describing. Look at your own home life before blaming someone else.

HopefulProcrastinator · 26/01/2022 15:23

@pombears22

Why are wives buying presents/cards for everyone??? Sounds insane
I started because my then boyfriend didn't bother and I wanted to start on the right foot with his family.

It only took me 20 years to stop and then only because they showed their true colours. Until then I was happy to facilitate a better relationship with my children's extended family. It's an easy trap to fall in.

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 15:27

Is it the woman's fault if the man doesn't make as much effort with his family as she does with hers?

Velvian · 26/01/2022 16:12

@successstories, the only thing that you can control and change is your own behaviour. Regardless of who is at fault and what has gone before, if you want more contact and closeness, you will have to reflect and change how you act and react to the other party.

It seems clear that you have caused upset or offence. Whether you feel the offence is justified is not really relevant.

We live in a society that does its best to crush and use women. Dissmissive behaviour and disrespect of DILs is very common.

In my own family, I was the eldest, a source of support, knowledge for my parents and siblings. In my DH's family, I was the girlfriend of the lowest in the pecking order with no personality or knowledge worth sharing.

Luckily it improved for me at the expense of BIL's marriage when PILs saw the error of their ways and the 'value' of the mothers of their GC.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 16:49

Unless he is chained to a radiator, there is no way a man will be unable to continue friendly relationships with his family of origin

If he gives in to manipulation and bullying then he is the one at fault

This is true. It's sad that we as a society condone this behaviour and that it has become something to be expected almost. I wonder if men realise that they have a choice and that all hell will not break loose if they invest a bit of time in keeping healthy relationships with both extended families. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 16:54

If the H is being abused by the W all you can do is make it clear you are there for the man whatever happens. Keep in touch as much as you can and especially with the kids

Presumably he is making the decision not to contact his birth family as much as they would like. Unless he is indeed being abused

Yes, this is sound advice that I have often seen here applicable to all abuse situations (men or women). Families can only hope the abused realise and can do something about it before it's too late, all involved suffer massively and years are wasted

OP posts:
Velvian · 26/01/2022 16:54

@successstories, if someone asked your SIL "what do your PILs think of you?" what do you think she would say?

Velvian · 26/01/2022 16:55

Sorry, DIL not SIL.

Velvian · 26/01/2022 16:58

I think if you should stop thinking about her in terms of how you've treated her and what you've done for her. Instead think about what she thinks you think of her and why she might think that, you may start to get somewhere.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 16:58

I wonder if problems like this have become more urgent over the last couple of years

I agree. The pandemic has probably made it worse for many relationships that were already fragile

OP posts:
veevee04 · 26/01/2022 17:04

My MIL can be a bit passive aggressive about me to DD and OH. DD has started asking me and I say different families do different things I'd never ban them from seeing her as I think family is really important when she's in her passive aggressive judgey mode I just ignore her.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 17:04

Took me 6 years to get away, glad I did now it was the least crappy of a lot of crappy options

I'm sorry you had to go through this blue30.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 26/01/2022 17:05

Interesting how you seem to be enthusiastically embracing the narrative that your DS is being abused by his wife. Of course, it may be true but I'm not convinced. the vagueness of your posts etc suggests that you know why there's low or no contact and just don't agree with the reasons.

Or, of course, it's v possible that your DS is a bit of a twit and is telling you that his wife doesn't like it when he spends time with you etc. While she'd be completely shocked if she knew she was being blamed. In the real world, most women I know would like their DH's to do more with the in laws, preferably with the kid. Every women I know drags the children out to see her family etc etc, but ALSO has to drag herself out to see DH's family and would just love it if occasionally DH took the DC and went to his parents without her.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 17:11

Instead think about what she thinks you think of her and why she might think that, you may start to get somewhere

This would be the sensible thing to do in most instances. Try and see things from their perspective. Going by some of the experiences here, it seems that birth families often don't do this or are simply not interested in patching things up.

But there are occasions where the DW is so dominant and forceful that everyone is scared. It may not be common but it does happen unfortunately.

OP posts:
minipie · 26/01/2022 17:28

I suspect the number of relationships where the man is genuinely being prevented by the woman from seeing his family is pretty tiny.

Of course it can happen, but it’s far more common to see

  • a man who is lazy about seeing his parents, while the wife is more active in seeing hers
  • a man who uses wife and kids as excuse for not seeing his parents
  • parents who expect an unreasonable amount of time spent visiting or calling them
  • a man who has realised his parents aren’t very nice to his DW and doesn’t want to see them for this reason
Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 17:39

Interesting how you seem to be enthusiastically embracing the narrative

I'm not enthusiastic about it, I just think awareness is important and also to know what to do if this were to be the case. Most people would probably do exactly the opposite to what's advised as the anger would probably get the better of them.

a man who is lazy about seeing his parents, while the wife is more active in seeing hers
a man who uses wife and kids as excuse for not seeing his parents

It would be very disturbing to realise that a loved one is not remotely interested in seeing you. Even more so for someone who can reasonably believe that they have done nothing seriously wrong to justify this.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 26/01/2022 17:45

So you’re talking about a situation where you suspect emotional abuse? That’s a different kettle of fish.

ravenmum · 26/01/2022 17:49

Doesn't sound like OP even has a specific case in mind tbh.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 17:53

It would be very disturbing to realise that a loved one is not remotely interested in seeing you. Even more so for someone who can reasonably believe that they have done nothing seriously wrong to justify this.

Let’s honest there, that’s not what happens.What happens is that contact goes less and less. They are busy, children arriving. Parents still phoning to keep in touch but won’t say it’s not ok to see so little of him. Maybe won’t dare telling him to come round because they don’t want to impose. And clearly, he is busy etc…
So not seeing them often is now the norm and on the ds pov, it’s not that he isn’t interested. Just that he has other stuff to keep him busy. And he doesn’t put himself in THEIR boots.
Maybe there is also the fact that he still sees them as his parents (so he is the one to looked after) rather than an equal adults relationship. So he is expecting them to do the leg work iyswim

I’ve seen that going on with dH. Despite telling him that really he needed to be careful and organised to see his parents he never realised how little he was actually seeing them.
As others have said, his hobbies took precedence. I was working some weekends (and no he didn’t go to see the then…) etc…
It’s only when his dad died that he suddenly realised he had to be more careful and see his mum regularly. It’s also only then he stop this parent-child relationship and grew up. Incl realising that his mum needs support, etc… it genuinely never crossed his mind for the many years his dad was terminally ill and unable to do much…..

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/01/2022 17:55

My ex husband is an alcoholic. His mother thought it was my fault and would tell other people it was. As someone else said because she said he wasn't like this before he met me. He absolutely was. His friends told me, people who he knew from other places said you know how heavily he drinks don't you? It was pointed out to her and I even said phone bill, Bob and Barry they will tell you. I just think she wanted to remain in denial.

MarvellousMrsMaisel · 26/01/2022 18:03

If you think he (your son presumably) is living in an abusive situation then perhaps it's a mistake to focus on his neglect and disrespect towards you.

I wonder what you specifically mean by disrespect and neglect.

Eatingjumper · 26/01/2022 22:10

The missing missing reasons.

@marvellousMrsMaisel interesting question. Very interesting indeed.

Meercatmama · 26/01/2022 22:19

I am really lucky in my daughter in law and I love her to pieces. She has been with my eldest son for over half their lives and I have seen them grow together. I have a great relationship with my son and speak with him almost daily normally on the phone in the car ( I use the link to the car and in car phone system as does he) We talk about every thing but it is because he makes the effort as do I to speak to each other. I also talk to her regulary without my son being present. It is about respect and talking. I try to not take sides just listen but however I must say I side with her most often and will explain to him why I agree with her if he is discussing it with me. I understand that she would prefer to talk to her parents about things just I did with my parents. I never get between them or belittle my DIL or her family . Everyone is different and I respect they do things different from my family and thats ok and bring extra things to my sons family life . I do not have to be a part of that. Regarding contact for both my sons I regard it as their responsibility as with presents etc I know my DIL contributes and helps and I always acknowledge that it comes from both of them. My sons know it is up to them to maintain contact and also us with their families. A two way process. However I do understand that an abusive relationship can undermine this process and has been witnessed in my own family. In those circumstances it is hopefully time. We are not a perfect family at all and annoy each other at times but I hope that all of us value the relationships and individual responisbilities we have to each other.Myself and my husband actively sort to model this behaviour as his family were awful to me when we got married and we still have a very strained relationship with his siblings as a result

Rosenborg · 26/01/2022 22:49

Is this about Meghan again? 😂

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