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Original poster

Men forced to choose between DW and DC or birth family - hoping for success stories

125 replies

successstories · 26/01/2022 04:12

NC for this. I find this topic very painful so I will try to keep it generic

I've seen examples of men who are forced by their DW, who is very dominant, to disrespect and somewhat neglect their birth family, hence pushing them apart.

Let's assume parents are not (and have never been) toxic or abusive and these men are not financially dependent on their DWs. Also these men have always had a good relationship with their parents, so no unresolved issues involved.

Can you share any success stories of husbands who could regain some balance, stand up to their wives without it ending up in divorce or them going NC with their birth family?

What did it take? Can it be done?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 08:43

I’m an evil witch who has come between DH and his “birth family”
Or perhaps I’m just the person who made him realise what a toxic and healthy dynamic his family has and will no longer make arrangements for us to see them. I don’t stop him, I just don’t get involved.

Depends who you ask I suppose

HomeIsDogs · 26/01/2022 08:44

If people don’t talk to their parents, there is always a good reason. The parents will says that there isn’t, that they’ve done nothing wrong and blame others. But there’s always a good reason in my experience.

SD1978 · 26/01/2022 08:46

Sorry/ his choice. If he chooses for an 'easy' life with a toxic woman to cut off his family, or to take her side and do what he's told- that's on him. He can choose to remain a part of his family, choose to keep and initiate co tact, or choose not to. It's not all on her!!

girlmom21 · 26/01/2022 08:47

@SD1978

Sorry/ his choice. If he chooses for an 'easy' life with a toxic woman to cut off his family, or to take her side and do what he's told- that's on him. He can choose to remain a part of his family, choose to keep and initiate co tact, or choose not to. It's not all on her!!
Interesting. You wouldn't say that if this was about a woman being cut off. You'd say there's a good chance she's being abused and to offer help and keep the door open.
ThePlantsitter · 26/01/2022 08:48

If the H is being abused by the W all you can do is make it clear you are there for the man whatever happens. Keep in touch as much as you can and especially with the kids. Take care not to criticise the W. At some point hope he will realise and leave, taking the kids with him.

Otherwise you have no choice just to take what you can in terms of contact. These things are never ever straightforward and it is not helping your case that you insist on presenting it as a good person/bad person situation. The man is not a mindless drone with no decision making abilities of his own. Presumably he is making the decision not to contact his birth family as much as they would like. Unless he is indeed being abused.

LublinToDublin · 26/01/2022 08:55

A discussion about a generic scenario is not likely to be helpful to you. It can only deal in assumptions, generalisations (or stereotyping) or anecdotal accounts.
The specifics matter.

mindutopia · 26/01/2022 09:21

I think that it's tricky because you are talking in generalities rather than about a specific situation (your situation, I assume). Family relationships are so complex that just speaking generally doesn't shed much light on anything. Me personally, I don't know any men who have cut ties with their birth family because of a controlling partner. I do know some women who have. And I know lots of people who have cut ties with their family either temporarily or permanently due to abusive parents.

As someone who is NC with my birth family, I am quite suspicious of anyone who says that they have a family member who has cut them out of their life for no reason. It's such an incredibly painful process and I went through several quite dark years and a good bit of therapy to survive it. I'm sure, however, my mum tells a very different story, probably because she is so ashamed of the real reasons.

ElmtreeMama · 26/01/2022 09:31

@Hoppinggreen

I’m an evil witch who has come between DH and his “birth family” Or perhaps I’m just the person who made him realise what a toxic and healthy dynamic his family has and will no longer make arrangements for us to see them. I don’t stop him, I just don’t get involved.

Depends who you ask I suppose

Same here!!
HairyFanjoBanjo · 26/01/2022 09:33

You only want to hear ‘success stories’ eh?

You don’t want to even anonymously share the backstory eh..?

No doubt the birth family aren’t dysfunctional or toxic in the slightest.. Wink

JustFrustrated · 26/01/2022 09:35

Why don't you just tell us the situation? There very obviously is a very precise situation.

And tbh, I'm starting to see why the family may have an issue with you. You take other people's personal stories and don't share. We work on reciprocal relationships.

SoupDragon · 26/01/2022 09:39

I'm guessing you have a problem with your DIL.

busyeatingbiscuits · 26/01/2022 09:40

To be honest I think men often have less contact with their birth family once they get married just out of laziness.
Same reason lots of men stop putting so much effort into their own friendships and just go along with whatever their wife organises.

Unless the wife has a great relationship with the in laws and she is the one writing birthday cards and cooking Sunday lunches for everyone, then the husband often lets those relationships drift.

Iknowitisheresomewhere · 26/01/2022 09:46

People are different. My DH would say he has a good relationship with his family. I am always pushing him to contact them more! He phones his parents maybe every fortnight, messages his brother around every 2 months, and we see them every 2 months or so. We all get on brilliantly when we are with each other but to me there just isn't a lot of contact in between. Whereas my family WhatApp group has messages on every day and we see each other around every 3 weeks. I only have sons, I desparately want to model a close relationship with his family! What is very unfair is to see 'family relationships' as the wife's job rather than the husband's job to maintain the relationship with his family.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 09:50

I suspect that if you had been posting about a woman rather than a man you would have had different answers.

The reality is that some women are emotionally abusive too. They might be addicts (alcohol is probably the biggest one there). They might jealous, Etc..
That’s not how we usually see women (rather we have the ‘chance’ of carrying the caring and kind side of things) but it’s a fact that some women behave like this.

Chances for the man to regain balance wo separating?
Well, what do you think would be the chance of a woman regaining balance and still be in contact with her birth family if her partner is abusive? Or if they are addicts or insanely jealous? Very little. There would be screams of LTB.
Same applies for men imo.

DepthOfTheAbyss · 26/01/2022 09:50

This was happening in my family. Db married someone who took offence to something and tried to drive a wedge between dB and us. We’re not toxic or horrible and my mum is such a lovely and harmless woman but my sil decided to have something against my mum and made sure she knew it.
My other sil will agree that my mum is lovely. We all get on with her.
Unfortunately, there are some people who don’t want their partner to remain close to their parents and siblings.
The thing that stopped this happening is dB himself and his refusal to not stop seeing us. We’re on a whatsapp group together and make plans to meet up and he includes himself. They argued about this loads but he stood his ground. We know this because horrible sil made sure we knew that we were the only cause of arguments between her and my dB Hmm

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 09:52

@Iknowitisheresomewhere

People are different. My DH would say he has a good relationship with his family. I am always pushing him to contact them more! He phones his parents maybe every fortnight, messages his brother around every 2 months, and we see them every 2 months or so. We all get on brilliantly when we are with each other but to me there just isn't a lot of contact in between. Whereas my family WhatApp group has messages on every day and we see each other around every 3 weeks. I only have sons, I desparately want to model a close relationship with his family! What is very unfair is to see 'family relationships' as the wife's job rather than the husband's job to maintain the relationship with his family.
Yep.

It took the illness and then death of my FIL for DH to realise he needed to make an effort.

Sittingonabench · 26/01/2022 09:55

Short of a relationship breakdown I don’t think there is much to be done about it. The move to more nuclear families means that once married (and more so when kids arrive) that family unit becomes the centre to be protected. So if there is upset or even just a personality clash the husband is likely to minimise the upset to their family which may include reduced or restricted contact. Working on the root issues which causes the upset could be helpful but in some cases it is not easily fixed - especially where upbringing and values are different. In those cases you can just continue to offer visitation but need to step back from allowing it to hurt you. It’s sad but it is what the son has chosen and so even if it is at the behest of the wife, the fault is not all theirs.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 26/01/2022 10:10

I think it's tricky for multiple reasons. My kids are close to both sets of grandparents but only because I do the running. Dh isn't fussed either way. My dad was the same. He admitted on his death bed that the only people in the world he cared about was my mum, me, my son and the baby I was carrying. His mother (and sister) was still alive. I wasn't close at all to my paternal grandmother as a child and she framed it as my mum hating her but the truth was much more complex. My mum didn't like her but dad had zero interest in keeping in touch either. According to his sister, he barely stayed in touch once he left home. They went over his head to his commanding officer because whilst at military training college he said he couldn't get leave for her wedding. Turned out he hadn't asked. He got a telling off and a leave pass.

On the other hand, my maternal grandmother was extremely toxic to her daughter in laws (she adored my dad though) and yet my uncles still made the effort because they were brought up believing blood matters more than everything else.

Neither of my grandmothers would have admitted to being toxic in the slightest though.

Flitter123 · 26/01/2022 10:18

In my experience, men would rather spend their free time doing their hobbies and seeing their friends. Women end up looking after their kids and seeing their own family. The man’s mum becomes resentful and blames the woman which makes the relationship worsen.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 10:28

where the in-laws aren't allowed to see a newborn but her family are

It's this kind of scenario, not as extreme as not being allowed to see a newborn but where differences in attitude and behaviour are very obvious

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/01/2022 10:29

@successstories

where the in-laws aren't allowed to see a newborn but her family are

It's this kind of scenario, not as extreme as not being allowed to see a newborn but where differences in attitude and behaviour are very obvious

Well my mom hasn't seen my newborn (now not a newborn) because she's toxic AF but my OH's family and my dad etc are very, very welcome...
Skeumorph · 26/01/2022 10:35

@Flitter123

In my experience, men would rather spend their free time doing their hobbies and seeing their friends. Women end up looking after their kids and seeing their own family. The man’s mum becomes resentful and blames the woman which makes the relationship worsen.
Yes.

So - my good friend's experience. MIL spent her motherhood being a literal slave to her baby prince. Baby prince grows up a pampered (though actually very nice) guy who quite literally has NEVER had to think of his mother as a separate proper human being. No actual real adult relationship. Mummy is just THERE as a kind of ever-forgiving ever-loving nanny/maid thing. Never brought up to do stuff for himself, never expected to compromise or consider her feelings. Mummy will do it all, don't you worry or put yourself out.

He grows up and matures and starts a relationship and can't be bothered with Mummy because a. It's boring - they've never engaged with each other as adults so what is the point, he's not a baby to be fussed over so what would they say to each other? They have no relationship and b. Mummy has always taught him from day 1 that it doesn't matter how he treats her, he's the prince and she doesn't need to have space made for her or her feelings.

Prince gets married and has a baby and simply never thinks of his mum. At all.

Mummy is outraged that this is the end result of all that amazing, selfless care and parenting. It can't possibly be her perfect prince, it must be the evil harlot he has taken up with.

Evil harlot is a perfectly lovely adult woman who has no time at all for this nonsense, has no intention of picking up where Mummy left off and even less intention of running around giving Mummy her 'due' by making sure she's included, fussed over and facilitated to retain her matriarch status by turning her nose up at their parenting and home.

Men are to be put on a pedestal, women trampled over in the rush to worship at it, is Mummy's MO. It's bitten her in the bum big time.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/01/2022 10:37

OK. So what happens when you invite them round for sunday lunch?

What do they say to that?

reyiughhjb6678 · 26/01/2022 10:39

I think it's largely a cultural thing. In the UK, the wife's parents are prioritised. Where I come from, it's the husband's. Not sure what you can do about it, if the husband doesn't think it's worth the fight. If you go by MN - a husband telling the wife she needs boundaries with her mum is called spousal abuse, but the other way round, it's usually seen as creating healthy boundaries. I would suggest that it is up to the person whose parents are being left out to talk about it and sort it out. If they arent bothered, there's not much their family can really do about it.

I would also say that most families dont realise how difficult they can be. Both my family and in-laws will tell everyone they are trying to be accommodating. But the reality is that my in-laws havent bothered with me for other a decade and only focus on themselves when talking to DH. Yes, they are both elderly and sick - but DH has also had his fair share of problems and they basically dont want to know. My family are a bit better but are so negative and critical that frankly it's a hassle seeing them.

Original poster
successstories · 26/01/2022 10:40

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses.

I'm not trying to stereotype at all. Sorry if I have upset some of you who may have very valid reasons to go NC. But sometimes it seems to be more about control, as was suggested

I will come back later

OP posts: