Men forced to choose between DW and DC or birth family - hoping for success stories

[successstories]

NC for this. I find this topic very painful so I will try to keep it generic

I've seen examples of men who are forced by their DW, who is very dominant, to disrespect and somewhat neglect their birth family, hence pushing them apart.

Let's assume parents are not (and have never been) toxic or abusive and these men are not financially dependent on their DWs. Also these men have always had a good relationship with their parents, so no unresolved issues involved.

Can you share any success stories of husbands who could regain some balance, stand up to their wives without it ending up in divorce or them going NC with their birth family?

What did it take? Can it be done?

My dm always blamed her dil’s for lack of contact etc.
In truth my db’s just went along with their wives regardless and didn’t make any effort.
My own ds has an excellent relationship with us and rings more than dd.
We’ve always seen lots of dgc.
But I try really hard to offer support in appropriate ways at appropriate times.
And I’ve always told my dil to be honest if she thinks I’m interfering etc.

My ILs are hard to get on with.

Even my husband preferred being with my parents.

Ils are really inept socially & thoughtless.

MIL still moans about her son not getting into grammar school. (He's nearly 60!)

His dad was a labourer & they both wanted better for their son.

So he worked hard at school, went to Uni, has a good job & is well paid.

He's ribbed about getting paid to sit on his arse & do nothing!

He can't win!

As my old mum says ' A mans a son until he finds a wife, a daughters a daughter for all of her life.'. Old fashined but it still bears some truth - of course you want your own mum around when you have babies and are more likely to lean on her for advice and support. Some men are pretty lazy about extended family relationships and it often defaults to 'wife work'. If the DIL doesn't pick up the slack, it is easy to blame her, but really it is the son's responsibility. If he can't be bothered, well - what can you do?

The only time I’ve seen this is when the woman is abusive and yes the only way it does end is divorce.

Otherwise, it’s the parents ‘thinking’ they have a good relationship with their son, who in actual fact doesn’t care.

Plenty of people just don’t get on with their parents. No abuse, etc but not having similar interests, being stubborn, constantly critical etc.

DP’s parents are lovely people, very helpful and caring but spending time with them is so stressful. All they talk about is neighbourhood news. They criticise DP’s hobbies , say he should be doing X Y Z and it almost always ends in an argument.

I’ve tried to cultivate a relationship (as they’ve helped us a lot I feel guilty) but I’m stepping away now. It’s DP’s choice. I hope they don’t blame me

@diddl

My ILs are hard to get on with.

Even my husband preferred being with my parents.

Ils are really inept socially & thoughtless.

MIL still moans about her son not getting into grammar school. (He's nearly 60!)

His dad was a labourer & they both wanted better for their son.

So he worked hard at school, went to Uni, has a good job & is well paid.

He's ribbed about getting paid to sit on his arse & do nothing!

He can't win!

DP’s parents are also a bit like this.

You sound like one of the estrangement loons on Gransnet (there's a rabbit hole, if anyone's bored today).

If the relationship between the man and his birth family were as robust and trouble-free as you suggest, then it would continue after marriage. NC happens because one party doesn't want contact. Blaming DILs for their husbands' choices is an example of the sort of toxic thinking that leads to NC - some people will do anything to avoid facing the truth and accepting that things really aren't/weren't as rosy as they pretend.

I wonder if problems like this have become more urgent over the last couple of years. We haven’t been able to visit DH’s family since just before the first lockdown because of work, lockdowns, difficulty and expense of travelling by plane with a toddler and now also a baby. They’ve both been to our area (mostly for other reasons and they’ve piggybacked a visit to us on the trip) and we’ve hosted them, so it’s not as though ties have been cut. But my SiL has nevertheless accused me of creating a rift in their family by preventing DH from visiting them. It’s completely true that I didn’t want to travel while pregnant because I had COVID in the first wave and had a fever of 40 degrees for days. Shockingly I was keen to avoid exposing my baby to that during pregnancy! SiL seems to resent that we’ve seen my family more but we can drive there easily, there’s tons of outdoor space for little children to scamper in, and it’s ideal for isolating so we decamped there to form a bubble for one of the lockdowns. (This hugely benefited DH as it meant he could focus on work because I had help with childcare). It’s nothing to do with wanting to create a rift or stop my DH from seeing family and everything to do with what’s been manageable (and at time what’s been legal!) for our family. Clearly, though, SiL has read things differently and is very angry with me. I wonder how many tensions have been created by similar circumstances.

"The Man" is not some powerless puppet pulled between his family of origin (mother?) and his new nuclear family (wife?).

The man has responsibility for the choices he makes, even if the family of origin and new nuclear family are in conflict. Many many men will take the path of least resistance for an easy life, that's on them. I don't think that the other parties can resolve this, only the man in the middle can.

@HomeIsDogs have you never heard of people having control over their partner and isolating them from family and friends it happens and its not just men who do it some women do occasionally as well
Yes in many cases there is a reason for a fall out in others not or a fall out instigated by the controlling party

@SD1978 would you say the same about a women in a controlling or abusive relationship ? In that case we have a choice to leave at firT hint of an issue but may don't and can't as its not always that simple

I have one friend who is accused by her husband's family of 'not putting family first' and 'keeping him from them'.
Because one year they booked a holiday booked and then after that his family decided they wanted to get together that week and he said no.

@HeadNorth

As my old mum says ' A mans a son until he finds a wife, a daughters a daughter for all of her life.'. Old fashined but it still bears some truth - of course you want your own mum around when you have babies and are more likely to lean on her for advice and support. Some men are pretty lazy about extended family relationships and it often defaults to 'wife work'. If the DIL doesn't pick up the slack, it is easy to blame her, but really it is the son's responsibility. If he can't be bothered, well - what can you do?

Exactly! Sorry for all the comments OP but honestly this is the majority. It’s easier to blame the wife than to accept that it’s the man who CBA.

Like I said there ARE cases where it’s an abusive/insecure woman but generally speaking it’s either the man not bothering or that the relationship isn’t actually good.
Again it doesn’t have to be ‘no abuse = good’, plenty of stressful behaviours that people don’t want to put up with now that they’re adults.
DP isn’t going to abandon his family obviously if they need him or money or anything he’ll give it. But he doesn’t enjoy spending time with them. Or care about what’s going on in their lives.

This is one of those how long is a piece of string questions.

Common scenarios include:
*Women being sick of being responsible for the family calendar, leaving men to arrange visits with their own family members. Men don't prioritise this, their families assume it is 'the woman's' fault

*People not taking responsibility for their bad/demanding/toxic/entitled behaviour, blaming 'the woman' for drop in contact or tension.

*unpleasant behaviour within families is sometimes not apparent to someone until they have moved out and started a healthy family unit of their own. This would seem to the man/woman's birth family as a controlling partner, but would in fact be that the person now recognises a toxic environment and doesn't want to be part of it.

*It is much easier (unfairly) to let family believe it is 'the womans' fault than to have an open conversation about why they don't want to spend time with family.

*Of course abuse is a concern.
Being available and leaving lines of communication open, and making sure communication is at least equal in its content being positive and about them, rather than mememe/complaining/bitching, is key.

FWIW my MIL thinks like you. DH finds her complaining, bitterness and snide remarks about people unpleasant so doesn't contact her much, I don't at all. She wants to be waited on when she is here and is just generally hard work so visits are not an arrangement DH or I are eager to make.

@reyiughhjb6678

I think it's largely a cultural thing. In the UK, the wife's parents are prioritised. Where I come from, it's the husband's. Not sure what you can do about it, if the husband doesn't think it's worth the fight. If you go by MN - a husband telling the wife she needs boundaries with her mum is called spousal abuse, but the other way round, it's usually seen as creating healthy boundaries. I would suggest that it is up to the person whose parents are being left out to talk about it and sort it out. If they arent bothered, there's not much their family can really do about it.

I would also say that most families dont realise how difficult they can be. Both my family and in-laws will tell everyone they are trying to be accommodating. But the reality is that my in-laws havent bothered with me for other a decade and only focus on themselves when talking to DH. Yes, they are both elderly and sick - but DH has also had his fair share of problems and they basically dont want to know. My family are a bit better but are so negative and critical that frankly it's a hassle seeing them.

I completely agree. I think there is a lot in the much used analogy about living in a different country. Many women feel more comfortable with their birth families. They do not feel at home with their partner's family (it's like living in a different country, they do things differently there.) so they make it difficult to have relaxed get togethers with in laws. There was a recent thread, some of you may remember it, about a woman complaining about her partner's family. She found it annoying that she couldn't be rude or joke about them because her partner took offence. So many posters sided with her until it was obvious she was in a same sex relationship. Immediately, there was a shift and posters saw it from both sides.

@HeadNorth

As my old mum says ' A mans a son until he finds a wife, a daughters a daughter for all of her life.'. Old fashined but it still bears some truth - of course you want your own mum around when you have babies and are more likely to lean on her for advice and support. Some men are pretty lazy about extended family relationships and it often defaults to 'wife work'. If the DIL doesn't pick up the slack, it is easy to blame her, but really it is the son's responsibility. If he can't be bothered, well - what can you do?

No it doesn't at all. It's that kind of toxic thinking that allows situations where a woman thinks her husband now should only have anything to do with their "little family" and her family of course.

Yes, there's cases where the man's family isn't good. Of course there is but that doesn't involve a woman manipulating a man (with guilt, anger or whichever way) into not seeing his parents on their birthdays or spending Christmas. Or having massive sulks on MN because he went to see his mum on Mother's day for a few hours. Automatically casting a MIL as a bitch for wanting to see her son. Or only allowing her parents to see a newborn for weeks because [insert excuse they think makes sense]. .

This type of segregating a person from their (non-toxic) family can also be done by a man, by the same means. It's however, rightly, seen as abuse. (Even if her family is boring.)

Thankfully, I think most women manage to integrate hers, his and their own families. It's the clowns that think "a man's a son until he finds a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life." and try implement that.

If the relationship between the man and his birth family were as robust and trouble-free as you suggest, then it would continue after marriage.

As another poster pointed out, I think culture has an impact there. Women are too often expected to do all the running around, Incl with the IL so if, for whatever Eason, they don’t, you end up in the situation where the sone hardly sees his parents. My husband is a very good example of that (I refused to do the wife work)

The Man" is not some powerless puppet pulled between his family of origin (mother?) and his new nuclear family (wife?).
I agree with that. This is exactly how it should be. However, I think many men are complacent and too used to see other people (women) running around for them. I’m also finding they often don’t think further than the next day (Aka hat is the consequence of not going to see my parents that often).

A good example of this for me is when I talked to DH about going to see my parents more often. They are abroad so I’m talking about going to see them twice a year rather than once. Cue for grumble about costs etc…
Then I pointed out that my parents are late 70s and that they probably have another 10 years left at best (esp my dad who has some health problems). Seeing them once a year means i will see them another 10 times before they die. Would he be happy to know he would only see his mum another 10 times before she dies??
It’s only then that penny dropped. He only saw the holiday once a year to go and see them. The cost and the fact I’m talking to them every week on FaceTime. He never thought further than this that.

I suppose this is all part of wife work too….

It is not the DW’s job to facilitate the DH keeping in touch with his family. He should arrange calls/meet ups/invitations/cards/gifts with his parents/siblings; emotional labour does not belong to females. If he doesn’t do so then the ILs should call him out on his behaviour.

If the DW does not want a personal relationship with the ILs then there is usually a reason but should not keep her DH or children from having an ongoing relationship with them (unless there are abuse issues.)

If the DH is being stopped from having a relationship with his parents then that is abusive and his parents/siblings should let him know they are there to support him to get away from a toxic, abusive relationship.

The ILs should not be talking down about the DiL, to the DH or children, it will not help the situation.

The advice you get here depends wildly on the situation, are you suffering from a lazy son, have you offended your daughter in law, is there some sort of emotional abuse going on? Your generalities don’t help in providing good advice.

@HeadNorth i hate this rhyme and its a real stereo type
When you have a child why can a man not ask his parents for advice in baby etc
My brother is as close to my mum as I am as he and his wife treat my mum as equal to her mum
So often others you have women not wanting her dh family involved and only hers ( some have good reason others not)
Your son is always your son and its rhymes like this that make people beleive its ok
My mil is like this focuses on her daughter and not dh as now he has. Wife its like she thinks well he doesn't need her , its hurts that she treats him like this and now he has stepped back
Im a dil who would of been more than happy for her to have our kids and think shs has as much right to see and spend time with them as mine do as she is not abusive but her and his sister justify her lack of interest as will im her daughter so shes closer to me and I think thats really sad

@Flitter123

In my experience, men would rather spend their free time doing their hobbies and seeing their friends. Women end up looking after their kids and seeing their own family. The man’s mum becomes resentful and blames the woman which makes the relationship worsen.

This

Traditionally, some women have tricky relationships with in laws and step families. You see the endless posts on here from women complaining about MILS and Pils and Sisters in law. So many posts complaining about step children.
It can be hard for some men to stand up to their partners.
The other saying constantly seen on here is 'Happy wife, happy life'. Some women expect partners to defer to them at all times.

@sadpapercourtesan whT about controlling relationships would you say that if it was a women
Some people alienate their spouse from friends and family to have more control , it happens the person being controlled doesn't always even realise
It happens to women a fair bit but it can happen to a man as well

Thankfully, I think most women manage to integrate hers, his and their own families. It's the clowns that think "a man's a son until he finds a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life." and try implement that.

What you are saying though is that it’s still the woman work to integrate the families.
If they don’t make the effort, then it doesn’t happen….

It’s easy to see how from the man’s mother pov, what it looks like is that her ds has stopped seeing them since they got together/married. It’s also easy to see why it would feel it’s the DIL fault when everyone is expecting her to integrate the families/ensure they have contact with the IL etc….

@museumum would you say the same if it was a woman ?

I have a feeling I'm being blamed by the in-laws for a distance that now exists between my husband and them.

All I did was stop making an effort after their behaviour made clear to me that I wasn't really family. I haven't been rude, bad-mouthed them or offered my husband ultimatums - I've just stopped and concentrated on my family instead.

From his perspective nothing has changed - except that's the problem. Because nothing has changed with him there is no longer an effort to see his family, remember their birthdays, buy Christmas gifts etc because I did it all and I no longer see why I should add extra work to my life for people who are at best indifferent to me.

I warned my husband that I was stopping and he has failed to step up.

Basically, don't be surprised if the wife isn't to blame...she's just stopped making any effort for whatever reason which could be utterly personal to her and nothing to do with you at all.

A birth family may not think they are toxic or have caused issues. But people don't pull away for no reason. The more the wife gets blamed the more both her and the husband will pull away. I think it takes real and honest introspection from the birth family and a willingness to talk openly and accept they are not blameless and then change behaviour.