If you knew you were going to be single forever....

[Meetabix]

How would you plan your life going forward?

I am mid 30s and have been single for so long, despite trying pretty hard not to be, that I've had to reach the point of acceptance. Acceptance that there is a very high chance that it may never happen.

What I'm struggling with is how to be optimistic about the future as a perpetually single woman.

Professionally, I'm happy where I am. I see my job as a means to provide a good lifestyle. This it does, as well as being sufficiently challenging etc. So that's fine.

I have really good friends. Understandably, I am further down on their priority list as they all have families etc. So whilst I am very grateful for them, I am very aware that I am not anyone's 'most important person'

I do have a few hobbies, and do lots of solo travels, interesting trips, go to museums, galleries, the theatre..

I am VERY happy in my own company.

But looking ahead and seeing another 40 years of this ahead of me...it just seems so, so empty.

Rightly or wrongly, having a family gives one a nice structure for planning life.

I am very sad today. Any words of advice?

Please note I am not asking for tips on finding a partner, I have tried them ALL 😅

I’d make sure I was planning really well for retirement.

I could've written this, then as soon as I relaxed about it all, landed a job I really wanted (which I knew would be very social, working with lots of people and involve long, antisocial hours) and booked a trip to go solo travelling for a few weeks before starting that job I met my now husband. I went on so many dates and really tried to meet someone but it only worked for me when I stopped trying. I really believe you have to happy in your own life and not 'need' someone

Nurture your friendships, do plenty of what you enjoy.

I’m 39, been singles for 5/6 years and starting to think I will be single forever, I do have 2 dc, one that will be dependant on me for a long time. I do have plans alone, would love to travel but also feel a bit sad about not having anyone to share things with. I think for me having friends is important, I don’t have many so would love to meet people and gain more friends as I get older.

Maybe try coaching to see how you can find a sense of purpose in your life.

As a 50 year old, who’s in a similar boat (albeit much much older!), I’d definitely echo the need to nurture your friendships AND plan for retirement. Excellent advice.
Have you thought about doing an MA, some sort of future learning? Or a big project like doing up an old property?
Or maybe your job might lend itself to some sort of self employment or setting up a business.
You’ve got years ahead of you to do some amazing things. Get planning!

Focus on friendships, travel, and find a fwb.

It’s a great question which I asked myself at 30. I’m now 50. Still single. Very happy. 1. Decide about kids. If you really want one/some go for it alone now don’t wait. 2. Focus on your career and your finances . There is no romance in being poor and single. Being single and solvent gives you a lot of options. 3. 30s is literally the worst age to be single. Everyone else is marrying/breeding/nesting and I remember I found it quite difficult. Enjoy all the things you CAN do. The only regret is that I spent so much time in my 30/ worrying about being single and being sad about it and only now I realise it’s not sad at all to be single. It’s bloody great and empowering and cool and free ( as long as you have a nice place to live and good friends and an interesting job and enough money (see above). And the old maxim is true that if you are happy and fulfilled and not looking you are much more attractive. Beware that mr right might come knocking just then and you say “nah I’m ok thanks!) as your life is full without him

If I was your age (I’m much much older) and knew I would be single forever which has turned out to be true but I did have hope back then lol I would definitely focus on getting more education to increase my salary. Would definitely put more focus on making more friends and taking up another hobby or two.

I just make my life interesting to me with an eye towards helping others.

If your life looks empty, fill it. It's not up to some bloke/woman to fill that gap for you, and if you let it be, you'll be so attached to them that it wouldn't be healthy.

Look after you. Do everything you can think of that makes you feel great.

Firstly because as a pp said, 30s is a hideous age for it because the entire bloody world is coupling up and having babies.

On the plus side, they will be massively envious of you although won't often say it out loud

I'm mid thirties, single nearly 8 years and plan to stay that way. On a sensible financial level, I'm building businesses that I love, plotting retirement with a likeminded friend and starting to seriously think about retirement savings and pensions.

On a joyful life level, I'm nurturing all my friendships and spending time with my favourite people and animals, making time for the stuff I really want to do and working on finishing my home, getting exactly as I want it to look and feel.

There are a couple of brilliant non-dating, friendly and positive singles groups on Facebook and they're also a great place for practical advice and occasionally having a whinge - no life is perfect. Look up Bella DePaulo and her work, she is very inspiring and the founder of one of them.

I've also been talking with friends recently about purpose and legacy, which sounds really wanky when you say it like that, but just considering if there's anything that is calling or pulling us towards it, which might be beyond the usual work/friends/life admin stuff. For some of them it's nurturing/volunteering, for some of us it's art and self expression, for some it's learning for the joy of learning and going back to uni for Masters and PhDs, or finding courses in things they just fancy trying.

I know it doesn't always feel it but we are old enough to pursue what we want while being young enough for almost anything to be possible

Oh and the Single Supplement newsletter is a dose of wonderfulness that lands in my inbox regularly and is full of the good and the bad :) Shani Silver has done some really good podcasts too, and there are a few books published recently which tackle all sides of the subject which might be worth a read. I have a few stacked on my Kindle to-read list so happy to share titles if you'd like them. (I'm writing one too but god alone knows when I will get round to finishing it )

Balance my life between friends, the most interesting career situation available and theatre/travel/opera. Also make sure to optimise finances and pension.

How about volunteering, if you think you might not have your own child and miss that type of connection how about Befriending or mentoring for a one to one connection or Home Start for working with a family. Or maybe other things where you might meet like minded people ( not dating) like National Trust working holidays, local amateur theatre, helping at an archaeological dig, doing surveys for RSPB, litter picks, getting involved in a local campaigning group to help improve your local community. You can make a real difference and forge real connections with other people.

I'm a little bit envious OP, I've always wanted to go travelling round the world pack a rucksack and off I would go. Settling down at 20 and having a baby stopped that. I would do whatever dreams you have travelling etc

I don’t think it’s true that others are jealous - I mean, if people preferred to be single then for the most part, they would be.

@Meetabix I found this extremely difficult. Like you, I had a reasonably good job but I do think people forget that when you’re paying for everything from one salary it doesn’t go far. Plus, being single is more expensive just from the point of view that you do have to spend money if only not to be a hermit. If I’m short of money then I can easily fill a weekend with DH and DS and free activities. When I was single, this would be harder and quite depressing.

I did meet DH at 38. And yes, I miss aspects of my old life, of course I do. Being able to watch a film or box set, exercise when I want, lie ins, the absolute peace of the house to myself! But these things are only great because they are now complete novelties.

For what it’s worth I believe you sound like a lovely person who will meet someone. This may be a daft suggestion but are you into creative writing at all? I started doing this for sheer enjoyment and I found that by nature it involved research. I have read books and researched things like Brit pop (I was around at the time but fascinating when you read the history) the history of HIV in this country and true crime - it’s a welcome distraction from RL and free!

I don't know why you have to stay single. I started a relationship at 35 and had kids, then broke up late 40s, had a few short relationships and now with someone who I will probably spend the rest of my life with.

But if I hadn't had kids by my mid 30s and it didn't look like there was anyone around then I would look at getting pregnant using sperm donors or a friend who was in the same boat.

"Rightly or wrongly, having a family gives one a nice structure for planning life."

Would you consider having a child alone?

I did just that (after a few years of dating in my late 30s).

I realised or rather reframed my thinking that having a child is possible and doable without finding a romantic partner. To cut a long story short, I did IVF with a sperm donor and was successful on my first go (my little boy is next to me as I type).

I didn't want to "fill" my life with more work, travelling, dating, 'activities'. I felt I needed a different life 'project' /direction and having a child would be that. More 'self' improvement activities are great but for me they weren't a substitute for a family. I wanted to nurture, develop, watch a child grow, and I guess have a legacy? A child tends to be for life, whereas romantic relationships break down more easily in comparison.

I now feel completely differently about relationships. I'm still open to meeting someone, but I no longer feel that desperation thankfully. It was truly awful being single in your late 30s (when you didn't want to be) and trying to find a suitable partner to have a family with.

Single mothers by choice are out there and there's resources available on this subject if you're interested in exploring it further.

I would immerse myself volunteering at an animal rescue. (And have in the past.)

It's such necessary work, hard but rewarding, you end up with as many loving companions as you can fit in your home. And a lovely way to meet other kind, passionate and slightly eccentric people.

I would buy and decorate my forever home and plant a nice garden.
Maybe also adopt a cat.

I would pick a cause or activity I care about / that interests me and volunteer with them. You can really become part of a special community doing this. In various moments in my life I have found great community in Toastmasters, a local choir, volunteering for a political party and for a charity. All great ways to create meaningful connections and community.

Find a sense of purpose in life outside of yourself- it's the biggest factor to happiness as we age. link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11469-020-00416-8
The space provided by being single (and particularly by not having kids) makes it easier to find and act on that purpose.

Out of interest, posters who are suggesting that Op take up volunteering/travelling/decorating home, do you have children yourselves?

I think as some other poster here put that being single in your 30s as a woman can be hard going. It hard watching nearly everyone around you meeting people, having kids, getting married ect.
Then you get people asking have you met anyone or suggesting you try internet dating. One of my friends was at a relative's wedding in her early 30s. One of her aunts made a comment we never see you with anyone. My friend let on not to hear what she said but was unhappy hearing this. The same day the relative who got married was younger than my friend.

As someone said to my 50 year old single friend recently - you can do what you want when you. You can go places without asking any one and don't have to be home at X time to mind kids.

My 50 year old friend said if your single in your 30s you need to make long term plans. She got on the property ladder and said even if you have to rent out a room in place to pay a mortgage it worth it. She also said to save as much as possible into a pension, tax-free savings ect.
If you have a family that have money see if they be willing to give you some of your inheritance early if it means you can get a property in your name. Long term she did not want to rent, cost of rent going up and then worrying if the landlord sells were will you live.
She said it also important to get involved with things outside work and to develop and keep up friendships. Bare with the friends who have babies and small children as the 1st years of these can be hard going and with very little free time.