If you knew you were going to be single forever....

[Meetabix]

How would you plan your life going forward?

I am mid 30s and have been single for so long, despite trying pretty hard not to be, that I've had to reach the point of acceptance. Acceptance that there is a very high chance that it may never happen.

What I'm struggling with is how to be optimistic about the future as a perpetually single woman.

Professionally, I'm happy where I am. I see my job as a means to provide a good lifestyle. This it does, as well as being sufficiently challenging etc. So that's fine.

I have really good friends. Understandably, I am further down on their priority list as they all have families etc. So whilst I am very grateful for them, I am very aware that I am not anyone's 'most important person'

I do have a few hobbies, and do lots of solo travels, interesting trips, go to museums, galleries, the theatre..

I am VERY happy in my own company.

But looking ahead and seeing another 40 years of this ahead of me...it just seems so, so empty.

Rightly or wrongly, having a family gives one a nice structure for planning life.

I am very sad today. Any words of advice?

Please note I am not asking for tips on finding a partner, I have tried them ALL 😅

No that's not "just" what I want, but you do need "someone" to fill that role and single friends are more able to do it.

[quote ElectraBlue]@QuestionsorComments

You have an odd definition of friendship...

Sounds like you just want people to meet your practical needs/do things for you when you don't have a partner.[/quote]
I don't think that was meant to be a definition of friendship!

I'm not single but I know if I ever was I'd be fine as I have lots of friends, hobbies, pets and a really good social life that doesn't need to include DH. I do have grown up dc, who have partner's that I get on with and a GC and meet up fairly regularly with them all.
Before I met DH, I travelled across Europe on my own so I would be happy doing more of that and I would definitely have more pets.

Any chance of working abroad in your line of work?

@QuestionsorComments

It is true,I've found, that married women don't make good friends for single women. I'm sure the married women would disagree and say they are there for their friends, but they're not, they're just not able to be available in the same way. They're not going to go trekking for a fortnight and they do have other pulls on their time (and money).

My "best" friend, by which I probably mean most useful, at the moment is a man, but I'm well aware that I'll see far less of him and be far less important to him as soon as he has a partner again. We're going away in a few weeks, that's hardly going to happen when he has a GF, but TBH it rarely happens with coupled up female friends either. It does make friendships seem transient.

I agree that married friends might be less able to give all the time and support that a single friend needs. However, they might be less transient as their availability is more likely to remain consistent.

A mixture of friends, as mentioned above, would make good sense.

I will likely be alone going forward. I won't do like my mum when dad passed away 20 years before she did. She had friends and things to do but she often told me she was just waiting until she could be with dad again.

Really interesting thread. Wonder if we will see an increase in communal living in future

@Startagaintoday

Really interesting thread. Wonder if we will see an increase in communal living in future

I'd like to see that too however the societal narrative of 'find a man/cohabit/buy a house/have children' is still very pervasive. And the society in general favours 'coupledom' as does the government. If being single wasn't so financially prohibitive and others ways of co-existing were available and viable, communal living is still something privileged rather than the norm...

I think it can be boiled down to one thing (in my case)
I have to swap from being passive (I'll just sit here in my routine having a nice life) and waiting around for something to happen to me - that feels too depressing to me- I can feel overwhelmed like OP by the time stretching out ahead of me
I have to make an effort to be active instead- putting future plans in place and having a sense of where I am going over the next few years

(this has been harder to do during Covid which has probably led to everyone feeling worse)

I'd seek out a course that taught me basic home maintenance. Like, how to clear gutters, how to clear an drain, rewire a light switch, clear gutters. And a similar course for car maintenance.

I'd get two gorgeous dogs.

Lol mentioned clearing gutters twice. Apparently I really feel the need to learn this (very basic) skill....

I'd also do everything in my power to secure a stable home that I love. Then plant a garden.

It's true being single is outrageously expensive. Quite apart from the actual cost of running a house alone, just this week I have:

• paid full price for a train ticket that I could have got 1/3 off if travelling with DH
• Looked into booking a holiday, but gave up because the single supplement added almost 25% to the cost
• Paid twice what I "should" because I couldn't benefit from a 241 offer in a restaurant
• Had to book a double room for an overnight stay on the motorway, just for me.

I looked like I was going to be single forever so I had my kids alone. If this is something you want it’s completely doable

OP to answer your question about the importance of getting your finances straight Yes it is partly as a PP stated that women live longer etc. It is partly that you have no one else to rely on finAncially. But for me it is more about having options. If you don’t have a Husband next to you on the sofa you may want/need to go out more. Of course if you choose not to have a child that is a pile of money not spent but I really liked that I could always say yes to the cool invitations. Pop on a flight to wherever. Go to that restaurant opening at no notice. Go skiing for three weeks in term time. Because you can. there are upsides to being single but not all of them are free.

I intend to remain single and am very happy about it. I have been in four serious relationships before ds was born. I do not miss the bother of a man.

I have been single years and totally in my stride about it.

I know it isnt socially acceptable by the way society expects us to be paired off but I prefer independence. It certainly suits me.

As long as you can afford it and have people to do diy gardening etc you can always find friends through groups to hang out with and mix. There is no need to feel alone. I dont feel that way at all.

On balance I often felt quite needy and alone when IN a relationship...!

Brilliant thread, useful for me though I'm not in quite the same situation as OP, but figuring I'm likely to stay single indefinitely.

Emotional and financial self sufficiency. That's my goal as a 50+ single. I've achieved the latter but am still working on the former.

I'm happily single. I just started a job at a new employer. They offer a good benefit package including life insurance and disability cover. Which is great. But I have no dependents, so the only thing the life insurance does is cost me tax. By contrast, because I'm alone, any accident or illness that made me unable to work would be a disaster, so I'd like as much cover for that as possible. I asked if they could adjust the one down and the other up and it's just 'no, sorry, it's one size fits all'.

Quinn I am 50 plus. Emotional self sufficiency kind of happens the longer you remain single. So I am sure you will notice this in time.

I think I'd be OK. I'm self-employed and can keep that going past normal retirement age. So no plans to stop working but I'd still save more for retirement, old age is brutal.

I'd make sure I really liked where I lived. Safe, low maintenance, good facilities and somewhere that made me happy (I like hills).

I'd join a bit more, but as I live with agoraphobia that's not always easy. I'd also have to make sure I didn't deskill myself, I wouldn't want to be isolated by lack of access to the Internet etc.

I was in a similar situation for a long time. I did eventually find someone but I will never forget the savage pain and empty loneliness being involuntarily single for too long. My sympathies.
My thoughts:

1. As soon as I found "the one" I found the urge to have children diminished- so if you are panicking about biological clock, try to remember that. But I also found egg freezing took the edge of the panic too so if you can afford it's worth considering.

2. Agree re other posts re finances. Wealth =freedom. And that helps you look after yourself and take yourself out of emotionally damaging situations. Having to look after yourself emotionally all the time is exhausting and I think having the buffer of financial stability helps.

3. I think a lot of the "full" life thing people feel re having a family is that ultimately your purpose is looking after others. That takes you out of yourself and somehow makes us happy. But there are lots of other ways to do that too. Have you considered something like politics,church or charitable work (in addition to your day job)- really committing and driving towards achieving something you believe in? I'm not talking about just helping out at a soup kitchen etc - which while of course also worthwhile I think can be a bit passive. I mean really putting your agency, and what makes you special and unique behind building something/creating something/influencing others - much like others seem to do when rearing a child.

4. keep hope you will meet someone and remember 1/3 of people end up divorced. Just because someone is coupled up does not mean they are happy - ultimately being trapped in a bad relationship is worse.

Oh and I meant to add to the charity/politics/ church thing is that I would recommend minimising the "passive" things that people recommend you fill your time with- eg travel/galleries/ lectures etc. I did those quite a bit but ultimately they can sometimes make you feel emptier- you don't build connections and are not engaging and putting your agency behind them. Focus on activities where your personality matters to their outcome- this is uniquely why relationships are fulfilling- you are using YOU.

I think it does tend to be when you stop looking you find someone so just carry on as you are and do more of what makes you happy,I've been clinically depressed since having children and being a single mum still no relationship.Don't see an end in sight until they leave home,I'd love your life and you may enjoy mine but we play the hands we are dealt the best we can.

@Avarua

I'd seek out a course that taught me basic home maintenance. Like, how to clear gutters, how to clear an drain, rewire a light switch, clear gutters. And a similar course for car maintenance.

I'd get two gorgeous dogs.

I need to do this, but I'm scared of heights so very unwilling to climb a ladder. If anybody has any tips on how to overcome this I'd be very grateful. I'm fed up of paying a man to clear my gutters & the upstairs windows.

I dont get my windows cleaned. I let them stay dirty upstairs! I finally have a female decorator and I know of a female plumber but not tried her yet. My usual plumber may retire soon so she may come in handy. It is hard to get the right help.