If you knew you were going to be single forever....

[Meetabix]

How would you plan your life going forward?

I am mid 30s and have been single for so long, despite trying pretty hard not to be, that I've had to reach the point of acceptance. Acceptance that there is a very high chance that it may never happen.

What I'm struggling with is how to be optimistic about the future as a perpetually single woman.

Professionally, I'm happy where I am. I see my job as a means to provide a good lifestyle. This it does, as well as being sufficiently challenging etc. So that's fine.

I have really good friends. Understandably, I am further down on their priority list as they all have families etc. So whilst I am very grateful for them, I am very aware that I am not anyone's 'most important person'

I do have a few hobbies, and do lots of solo travels, interesting trips, go to museums, galleries, the theatre..

I am VERY happy in my own company.

But looking ahead and seeing another 40 years of this ahead of me...it just seems so, so empty.

Rightly or wrongly, having a family gives one a nice structure for planning life.

I am very sad today. Any words of advice?

Please note I am not asking for tips on finding a partner, I have tried them ALL 😅

Hi Musttryharder2021, I do have children.
Meetabix already has a great job and interests so that’s why I didn’t mention those things which in actuality would be on the top of my list if I knew I would be single forever.
But buying and decorating a home is how I would spend my time. I’m a home porn addict and coming home to a sanctuary of beautiful expensive breakable pieces would bring me a lot of joy.
And I do still try and decorate now with kids but there are limits when you factor in other’s tastes and requirements.

I wouldn't rule out meeting someone. I just wouldn't wait around for it. I would probably save to get on property ladder, I'd want children so I would start looking at alternative ways for that to happen. I'd try to find some single friends to go out with/holidays. And just try to appreciate what I have. Oh and a good pension.

The thing is there good and bad in being single and in being coupled up. Same shit different view really.

Who says anything is forever?
Even being single.
Enjoy your youth and what will be will be
No hurry
Have fun. Stay young 😀

You could look at sharing your home with a friend or a lodger. Single friends of mine do this and have said it provides mutual support, company, splits costs and it stops them getting too “set in their ways” (their words, not mine). One woman has a Monday to Friday lodger who goes to their home in another town at the weekends, which she says gives her the best of both worlds.

OP, I am you, but in my early 40s. I, too, hope to find someone, but since my mid-late 30s I was asking myself the same things you were. I agree, the world kind of ‘expects’ you to move along to the beat/rhythm of family life, and when you don’t have family life, you are a bit out of sync. For example, most people age are married with children and unable to go on holidays with me. However, add or minus 10 years, and those friends are in different life stages and can do so.

I wanted (and still want!) to build a life where I am equally happy with it without a partner. There are some parts I am still trying to solve, but here is my list:

1. Sort out finances. With no career gap for children, you don’t have an earning gap or a career gap. On the negative side, life costs more as a single person (housing, general bills etc). Also, as someone said above, it often costs more to entertain yourself as a single person, and another person wisely said single and broke is not fun. I bought a lovely house, due to pay off before retirement. My income in retirement is planned for a good, high level and I am paying into it.

2. Career - sounds like this is already on track, but be bold and push onwards! I have found a lot of women around this age hols back on job advancement in order to make sure they can still do a lot at home. Jump ahead! Increase your skills, your opportunities, climb the ladder and your wage will also rise. You may also get more interesting opportunities, eg with travel etc, as other women say no due to family commitments. Take pride in your achievements, tell your friends and family. I found somewhere along the line my friends stopped talking about their professional achievements and instead spoke of their children’s. That’s fine, but be proud of yours.

3. Personal Relationships - expand your friendships, looking for people ‘like you’, rather than ‘your age’. As I said above, younger people without kids or older people with kids at uni are more likely to be free for a glass of wine or theatre/comedy show after work. Similarly, they might also be keener for a game of tennis or a walk on the weekend. I found my friends with families stopped being able to do these things that I liked doing, but if I explored my wider acquaintances, there were still people there to do things with.

4. Treasure family relationships. I am the best of my siblings at staying in touch with aunts and uncles and cousins etc, of course, because I have more time. But it’s nice to do so and not lose touch.

5. Develop some hobbies just for you. I have taken up piano and sit an exam each year. (I was considering learning a language, but this one out). I also enjoy decorating my house and making it ‘perfect’. I have been doing some gardening, and am enjoying it. I hope to add other things like a book club, cooking classes, yoga classes etc after Covid. Things like the piano and the garden are great to give a sense of achievement from year to year.

I really like my own company, so I try and push myself to do things out and with people too.

Things I haven’t figured out yet -

• How to be ok when a good friend does suddenly start a relationship and joins the ranks of those without the time to do these things anymore.
• Will I be lonely in the nursing home all alone?!? I joke and tell my nieces I will pay them to visit me, but the joke hides a bigger worry.
• when my parents die, will my siblings all want ‘Christmas by themselves’ and I will be left alone or the ‘pity aunt’ each year? If so, I want enough money to fly somewhere fabulous each time, so as to not be an object of pity.

PS - I can’t emphasis the finances enough. Get on the property ladder and get your pension sorted.

If I KNEW for a fact I was going to be single forever I would have prioritised having a child. Just one as I think any more would have been too much on my own but I couldn’t have imagined not being a mother. I have close family so baby would have had loving grandparents, uncle, auntie and cousins. would also be focusing on career and buying my own home (not necessarily big but mine).

Everything else I would just let happen. Holidays, friendships etc I don’t feel would be all that different.

I'm nearly 40 and have come to terms that I'll be single forever with no children. On a practical level I'm trying to make sure that I'll be financially secure so I can enjoy my retirement and keep travelling if health allows. I'm keeping fit and healthy in the best hope of living independently for as long as possible. I'll eventually look into getting a will and funeral plan sorted too. Sorry if that sounds morbid but it's something I've been thinking about recently! Ideally I'll move into some sort of retirement village when much older- I'm thinking where you get your own flat but with practical help around if such a thing exists in the UK.

Fostering, volunteering and travel.

Don't give up on your friends who have started families - they are now consumed with their babies/little children but will at some stage, as their kids grow up and become more independent, be ready to socialise again.

I would travel the world one country at a time (covid permitting) and would consider volunteering for a few months a year if my job would allow it.

I was single all through my 30s and found it really hard. I had a brief fling in my 40s and amazingly got pregnant. I've been single for the last decade and realised that having a child more than met my needs for a fulfilled life.

As we get closer to my child moving out I do wonder what the next chapter of my life will look like.

Realistically, the chances of meeting someone now is slim. People are always agog that I've never been married but I'm useless at flirting and have spent most of my life single.

(Someone upthread said to get a fwb - I am always curious how you get a fwb?)

My advice would be to accept it, decide what would make you happy and go and get it/do it! You'll also find that your friends will be more than happy to do stuff with you once their kids are older.

I think Butterflyfox has it in a nutshell really, I'd echo everything she said.

For me, it was firstly a question of accepting it, and then planning for the future. I had to do a bit of grieving around it - especially not having kids, and there were a couple of years where I really struggled with that, which I now put down to the perimenopause giving me a kick up the bum. So be prepared for your body to send you broodiness reminders - but that's all they are. That calms down as you go through peri. Or have a child - donor or adopt. I chose not to do that - I didn't think I could afford it. Also accept that as your current friends get married and have kids you become an option rather than a priority - that's not a bad thing in itself, it's when your friends are an priority to you yet you are an option to them that the in-balance starts.

I wrote down a list of things that were positive about being singledom; my independence, flexibility, own space, own rules etc. I made a list of things I'd like to achieve and started on that - everything from learning enough spanish to have a conversation to doing my GSCE science, to travelling as much as I can (Thanks Covid restrictions!).

The best additional advice I could give would be to make friends with other women in the same situation of different ages. I'm 49 and have friends from 25 to 79. I don't have parents, siblings, spouse or kids, so a familial infrastructure of some kind is important to me. It's not the same as my own family, but I dip in and out, and I matter to them and vice versa. I still feel that I'm not anybody's "most important person" (that phrase you used really resonated with me), but I do feel cared for. I don't feel that anyone has "got my back" completely, but having built a small pot of savings, got a house, and a life-plan of sorts, that I'm ok.

As an aside, I did meet someone at the start of lockdown after 15 years of being single. I wasn't really looking, it just happened, and it was a total surprise. We aren't all coupled up - we just see each other most weekends, but it's nice to have company. It's too late to have kids, and we'll not marry as it doesn't make financial sense, but if you do meet someone, it doesn't have to be "all in". He said he liked the fact that I seemed to be quite a together person and I'm proud that I did that by myself. You don't need to do it all in one go - nurturing friends of different ages and backgrounds, a satisfying job, hobbies etc has partly been planned and partly evolved, but I'm in a place where I'm in control, and happy. I still have the odd thought about how I'm going to die alone in a dodgy care home being taken advantage of by horrible staff with no visitors etc, but I try to put that out of my mind. Life is too short for what ifs.

I met my husband at 39 and had two kids in my 40s. So you may well meet a partner. However, having one is not the be all and end all. I think volunteering may give you some satisfaction.

OMG there are so many wise wonderful women on this thread. Love it.

@Meetabix I really do think there's a massive assumption that people with partners &/or families are more fulfilled than those without but it's simply not true.
I have 3 dc, am divorced from their dad 12 years & got out of a 6 year relationship about 18 months ago.
Don't get me wrong - I love my dc more than anything but the personal sacrifices I've had to make have been huge - especially within the context of being a single parent. My relationship with my exh just soured amidst his cheating and my relationship with my exdp failed due to us both having dc.
If I could tell my younger self anything it would be to relax more about the future because no matter what your path in life you cannot control the outcome. Part of that relaxing (for me) would also include focusing on what I want & not making the compromises I made because that's what's expected of a woman. I would also tell myself that NO-ONE completes you - neither a partner nor children.
If I was where you're at I would focus on my career, travel & something like volunteering overseas for a bit. I would also not give up on my married friends or those who are parents as despite what many of them may be presenting to the world I'd bet they are nearly all struggling in some way.

@WhatDidISayAlan

OMG there are so many wise wonderful women on this thread. Love it.

Agreed!! It’s wonderful to read

I’ve been single for just over a year now.
Personally I’d be quite happy to stay single, though I’m aware that might change in the future.

Do you want kids, OP? Because obviously some people find meaning in having children, but not everyone. I’m happy enough being my son’s mum, and I gave so much of myself to my previous relationship that I really don’t want to do that again.

Overall, prioritise yourself. Try not to feel like you’re waiting for your life to properly start because you’re not in a relationship. Think about what you’d want to do with a partner and try doing it with yourself.

Nobody’s gonna put you first quite like yourself.

Just because you're single now, you're not resigned to a life of being single (unless you decide that's what you want). However long you've been without a partner does not reflect what the future holds.

Meetup groups are good and it's worthwhile trying to meet new single friends who WILL make you a priority.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. Lots of thoughtful and detailed responses here. It's very good to read.

I'm taking notes and will be examining them in detail to see which resonate the most, and what I can apply to my life.

I think I have to accept that I will inevitably have periods where I grieve for for the life I thought I would have, but as long as I don't spend too long wallowing in self-pity, then it's okay.

I need to think about how I can make my single life the best it can be within the confines of singledom. The main thing is that all the amazing things that come with being single are only amazing when they are novelties.

It's gotten to the point now when I'm thinking, how many more years of solo travelling/theatre trips/gallery visits/coffee shop afternoons do I have ahead of me?

It just seems like a void stretching ahead of me.

I really like the idea of seeking people in the same situation at me, regardless of age, it makes a lot of sense.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied so far!

I need to think about how I can make my single life the best it can be within the confines of singledom. The main thing is that all the amazing things that come with being single are only amazing when they are novelties

Interesting that you talk about the confines of singledom, when it's usually regarded (including by people in relationships) as a freedom, and that's one of the main benefits. The amazing things about being in a relationship can often be amazing only as novelties, too, don't forget. It's all over the relationships boards here, you can overhear it in conversations in town, lots of your friends will feel the same: 'Oh, it was amazing when we were first together and now it's so boring/we're so tired/my partner never says 'I love you' anymore' etc. Lots of people in relationships feel themselves to be in a similar void to you. A relationship won't fill your 'self-fulfillment' void, and it's risky to conflate the two.

*I need to think about how I can make my single life the best it can be within the confines of singledom. The main thing is that all the amazing things that come with being single are only amazing when they are novelties.

It's gotten to the point now when I'm thinking, how many more years of solo travelling/theatre trips/gallery visits/coffee shop afternoons do I have ahead of me?*

I hear this - I really do, but I would say this is the same for any pathway in life. Long term relationships become repetitive as does parenthood. No matter what life path you're on Life just loses novelty as you get older & we all have to fight/strive/kick ourselves up the arse in order to find new experiences.
I think a lot of people face a void.
My youngest dc will be in uni in 2 years and I too am facing a void - no partner and an empty nest.
My dsis and her dh are retiring soon & they too are facing a void - how to fill their days and reclaim their relationship after years of everything revolving around their dc.
I really do think the most content people are those who have found something in life (beyond relationships of any description) that makes their soul sing; something that sustains them no matter who is or isn't in their lives at any given point in time.

ok where I am fortunate - I have a child and have been in a decent(ish) r/ship in the past. So this sort of helps me mentally if that’s makes sense.

Firstly, I need to buy my house. Renting is not the one and we’ll it’s just throwing money at another persons asset. I am also focusing on clearing all debts! That’s… mentally taxing haha
I allow myself to feel lonely, depressed, pissed off, bitter - whatever if I want to. I don’t pretend that everything’s fine. It isn’t.
I notice the little things about peoples relationships. You know the shit things? It’s bitter but makes me feel better for having peace of mind. I notice my friends can be demeaning within their relationships sometimes.
I have hobbies that I like - took me ages to work out what I actually like. So I like walking, yoga, my plants, my friends, and well, doing nothing.
I also found something I was passionate about - mine is women and how men treat us like dogshit much of the time (this maybe adds to my singledom LOL)
I love my friends and family and see them frequently!!
I take care of my skin. It actually makes me feel good to look good.
and I have super nice flat. It’s jazzy and mine. No one’s interior looks like mine, coz it’s mine.
I also work a lot
I also forgot - I’ve been reading books (audiobooks) that improve my life. Not you know, wanky ones. I recently read complex ptsd from surviving to thriving and it was wonderful
I had a car but she sadly passed away and I haven’t been able to face getting another pet :(

Gosh it’s all a bit basic but I don’t mine it :)

Saying this in the kindest way I can but you are being really quite over the top...you've just written off your hopes and dreams for absolutely no reason. Absolutely loads of people are single in their thirties and go on to meet someone and have a family. Your situation is not at all unusual.

Why is having a partner so important?

I've never married. I cannot imagine I ever will. I have a lovely ds but gave up on trying to have a partner as well, after a run of selfish, lazy, manipulative men who were lovely for the first 6 months and then deteriorated rapidly.

I just decided the dishonestly wasn't worth the bother. If I'm lied to now, it's only about how much homework has been done (and I can call that ).

So me and ds make a happy family of two. We have a nice home, I have a decent job, there is nothing that a man would add reliably. Life is less stressful, more secure.

Maybe it’s a bit cheeky of me to jump in the conversation as I am married, but I’m mid-thirties and we don’t want to have children. Recently, all our friends have been having babies and disappearing off of the face of the planet. I also lost my dad right before Christmas and watching him die surrounded by his wife and four children. It has really made me think about the future. I’m the youngest of my siblings and DH is 8 years older than me, so the chances of me ending up completely without family at some stage of my life is probably quite high.

I think everyone needs to find meaning and purpose, no matter what stage of their life they are at. I work with children which I find very fulfilling. I have a lot of hobbies, that I do both alone and with others. Watching my dad deteriorate over a long period of time from a very debilitating illness has made me determined to make the most of my physical abilities for as long as I can.

It’s important to nurture a variety of relationships no matter whether you’re single or not - you cannot put all of your eggs into one basket.

No one knows what is around the corner, don’t sit around waiting for someone or something to come into your life. Find ways to make your own happiness and fulfilment.

@MintJulia my life and yours sound very similar except I have a DD. I am very happy being single and enjoy being 'just is two' too. I am just curious to see where my life goes when she moves out...