If you knew you were going to be single forever....

[Meetabix]

How would you plan your life going forward?

I am mid 30s and have been single for so long, despite trying pretty hard not to be, that I've had to reach the point of acceptance. Acceptance that there is a very high chance that it may never happen.

What I'm struggling with is how to be optimistic about the future as a perpetually single woman.

Professionally, I'm happy where I am. I see my job as a means to provide a good lifestyle. This it does, as well as being sufficiently challenging etc. So that's fine.

I have really good friends. Understandably, I am further down on their priority list as they all have families etc. So whilst I am very grateful for them, I am very aware that I am not anyone's 'most important person'

I do have a few hobbies, and do lots of solo travels, interesting trips, go to museums, galleries, the theatre..

I am VERY happy in my own company.

But looking ahead and seeing another 40 years of this ahead of me...it just seems so, so empty.

Rightly or wrongly, having a family gives one a nice structure for planning life.

I am very sad today. Any words of advice?

Please note I am not asking for tips on finding a partner, I have tried them ALL 😅

I’m not sure I understand the ”why’d you want a partner” questions.
Vast majority of people wants companionship.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

And if you’re the only single (nevermind if you don’t have children) you’re going to be left behind.
It’s not just being single.
It’s also being the odd one out.

It’s not just being single
It’s also being the odd one out

Well, you're not the odd one out if you choose a circle of friends with other singles in it. You have to take responsibility for not having friends who make you feel you're the odd one out. Otherwise it's like choosing to hang round with rock climbers when your hobby is chess, and complaining you're the odd one out.

@TheFoundation

It’s not just being single It’s also being the odd one out

Well, you're not the odd one out if you choose a circle of friends with other singles in it. You have to take responsibility for not having friends who make you feel you're the odd one out. Otherwise it's like choosing to hang round with rock climbers when your hobby is chess, and complaining you're the odd one out.

I knew that was gonna happen…..

Once again, most people want/get a relationship.
Even when you find single people and you want to be friends with them, majority of them will be looking for a partner.
And I guess we all know hiw boring that is to listen to.

Finding women who are life long single by choice is a big ask.

So you over simplified again.

My sister, now in her 60s, is long term single and I think has a lovely and fullfilling life. She has a strong close group of friends, a lovely house, has traveled lots, had a good career where she made a difference and is in a good place financially. She is the most wonderful loving aunt to my and our other sister's DC and has been close to them at every life stage. She has time for people and emotional energy for our extended family. She has a wide range of interests. My DD at 20 said to me the other day 'she has the best life of any of your friends and family.'

The problem is that single people don’t tend to be conveniently hanging out in the same place, waiting for your friendship.

When I started my first teaching post in 2003 it was quite a young staff and quite a few teachers were only in their twenties. Every single one had a live in boyfriend or girlfriend. There were a couple of older members of staff who were divorced or widowed but as lovely as they were they also had children and couldn’t just drop things for coffee / nights out!

Finding women who are life long single by choice is a big ask

OP isn't lifelong single by choice. Nobody needs to be looking for anybody who is lifelong single by choice. I'm not over simplifying; you are over complicating.

Finding single friends when you're single isn't hard, and it stops singledom feeling lonely.

I disagree to be honest, I think it is quite hard. I think finding friends generally as an adult isn’t particularly easy. I’ve found it very easy since having DS (now nearly 14 months) but before that it was always a struggle. And I’m pretty nice, I promise!

Personally, yes the connection would be nice, and sharing moments too, and having a travel companion to share moments with and maybe have a family,

However that said I have trust issues, and relationships are nice, but if I'm to stay single, then I'm happy single.

@TheFoundation

Finding women who are life long single by choice is a big ask

OP isn't lifelong single by choice. Nobody needs to be looking for anybody who is lifelong single by choice. I'm not over simplifying; you are over complicating.

Finding single friends when you're single isn't hard, and it stops singledom feeling lonely.

Okey, I thought you were speaking directly at me, not to the op.

*trust issues, as in, not if the person's going to cheat ect, it's more trust issues with regards to them saying x background, preferences, personality ect, then getting together and e.g. The person's completely different than originally seemed.

My friends are a mix of marrieds (happy & unhappy), singles and widowed.

Being single doesn't stop me making friends. I'm open to finding a companion when ds is older but for now, he comes first and there are very few men who will accept girlfriend + dc. Those that claim they will, have all had their own agenda so far. Life is much better without.

Find new friends, I’m in a Meetup group and most people are single ranging from 30-40.
Find a vocation ; as pp said a project, or maybe some volunteering?
Find a hobby you can improve in with time (pole dance/woodwork the violin)
Finally enjoy yourself 😎

Also there are lots of people nowadays in the same boat OP.
Unless you’re the sort who needs someone in the house with you every night it’s easy to find people to go out with in cities. Don’t know about towns.

Also:
We’re socialised to want ‘permanent’ relationships. But such things don’t exist!
Your parents will die one day, kids will leave. Partner may leave too. And many people are lonely in their relationships.

I have a ‘capsule’ approach. I structure my social interactions to get what I need (and reciprocate). But I never got hung up on permanence. I made that mistake in my youth and paid dearly. Now I just enjoy people when they’re there.

I’d buy a camper van and a beautiful dog and invest in a great camper, walking books, photography, bird watching etc and I’d get a beautiful camper van with WiFi etc and travel at my weekends holidays listen to podcasts and I’d also become a volunteer and help with the scouts / explorers

@Pogodogo18

As a 50 year old, who’s in a similar boat (albeit much much older!), I’d definitely echo the need to nurture your friendships AND plan for retirement. Excellent advice. Have you thought about doing an MA, some sort of future learning? Or a big project like doing up an old property? Or maybe your job might lend itself to some sort of self employment or setting up a business. You’ve got years ahead of you to do some amazing things. Get planning!

Yes, im 51 and agree!good thread.

Do you mean single as in celibate or not having a committed partner?

I don't expect to ever settle down with "the one", although I'm older than you, but I do like male company and sex.

Like you everything else about my life is fine as it is, but I'm not really a ONS of girl and yet I don't want a serious relationship....

It does bother me that I'm alone once my parents are gone, not important to anyone.

F

Can I ask, those who talk emphasise savings/pension/retirement....why is it so (?more) important as a single woman? Is it because you don't have the option of someone else to support you if something goes wrong?

I've also been thinking about finding people who are in the same situation as me i.e. single women. As pp said, single women don't tend to conveniently hang out in one place. Also, just because we have singledom in common, doesn't mean that we automatically become good friends willing to hang out together?

Statistically, a lot of these women will at some point get into a relationship, at which point, back to square one for me.

I feel like being a perpetual state of singleness, you have no anchor so to speak.

Thanks for all the posts so far. So much good advice!

It is true,I've found, that married women don't make good friends for single women. I'm sure the married women would disagree and say they are there for their friends, but they're not, they're just not able to be available in the same way. They're not going to go trekking for a fortnight and they do have other pulls on their time (and money).

My "best" friend, by which I probably mean most useful, at the moment is a man, but I'm well aware that I'll see far less of him and be far less important to him as soon as he has a partner again. We're going away in a few weeks, that's hardly going to happen when he has a GF, but TBH it rarely happens with coupled up female friends either. It does make friendships seem transient.

In terms of financial planning, women statistically live longer than men, hence the need to save to allow for 80+ years help and also care, as you don’t have your own family to help with care arrangements.

I would invest in friends with the aim of building a circle small enough so I could feel close to each individual (rather than lots of more superficial relationships) yet large enough so I wasn't overly reliant on any one person.
I would make sure I had short and long term goals to work towards, travel, career, home whatever was meaningful to me, so I always felt I was moving through life with a direction in mind.
I would put lots of energy into me and be the poster child for self actualisation.
(I might also have a series of wild encounters with highly unsuitable men, and I wouldn't need to worry about red flags or whether we were compatible or whether I should LTB.)

@CupOfNiceTea ''And if you’re the only single (nevermind if you don’t have children) you’re going to be left behind. It’s not just being single.
It’s also being the odd one out.'''

Left behind how exactly? I don' treat people any differently because they are single or think there is anything wrong with someone who does not have a partner. I have friend who have been married for years and friends who are almost always single. Makes no difference to me.

Sounds like a sheep mentality really: the need to have a partner just to 'fit in'...

Frankly it is better to be single and happy in yourself than be in a miserable relationship with someone who treats you poorly or where you are bored out of your mind.

Single people need something different from their friends though Electra. When I was married, I saw my really good friends maybe once or twice a month, messaged or phoned them a bit in between times.

If I needed a partner for a work function or party, someone to help with some heavy lifting, fancied a night out at short notice, a weekend away or a lift to a hospital appointment, I'd have asked DH. Now I need a friend who can be there when I need them and most coupled up people can't because they're filling that for someone else.

@CupOfNiceTea ''Once again, most people want/get a relationship.'''

Nobody can claim to speak for 'most people'.

The reality is probably more like in some cases people who are single would enjoy a good, positive and supportive relationship but are also happy to be on their own if they cannot find such a relationship and accept that not everyone will meet the right partner.

Some people also will stay single completely by choice.

If you read some of the replies, you will see women like me who have been through really poor/abusive relationships who will never again put themselves in the same situation. The reality is a really good, supportive and decent guy is not what most of us find when dating, especially as we get older.

I don't believe that a relationship is the only thing that can make you happy in life. If the right partner comes along great, but I am no longer letting my life revolve around finding a man or think that I only have value if I am someone's partner.

@QuestionsorComments

You have an odd definition of friendship...

Sounds like you just want people to meet your practical needs/do things for you when you don't have a partner.