Making time for each other, how do people manage?

[QueryD]

Myself & DH are in our 40s, married for 5 yrs & struggling to find time for each.
We work on different schedules, I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed, he works 2-10 so we don’t see each other in the week. He’s asleep when I wake up for work, I’m asleep when he gets home from work.
At the weekend, we have the house to clean (we have pets so have to keep on top of cleaning), food shopping to do, taking DD to dance class or to play with her friends and we don’t have any time for us. Every other weekend, we visit and help DH disabled sister too.
We haven’t had sex for months and don’t have time for intimacy which is making us both feel down.

How do people manage with busy lives?

TIA

You could both do housework and shopping before or after work so that you have time to enjoy your weekends

Can you afford a cleaner ? Also on- line food shopping .

He needs to do a foodshop Friday morning, clean after your LO is in bed- allocating your weekends to chores is the issue.

Can you get a babysitter and go out Saturday nights?

Get a cleaner. Best 20 quid a week I ever spent

It’s a challenge isn’t it. I would also say get a cleaner (and lower your standards in between their visits, lol), get everything delivered that you can, and plan holidays together so you jointly have an agreed thing to look forward to (that’s what we like to do).

Suggest ring-fence a date night every fortnight (the Sat you are not helping with DH sister)? Treat it like you would any other binding appt.

Also, don't discount employing a baby sitter for Saturday or Sunday mornings, so at least you get to go out together.

If baby-sitter too costly, you could swap with a friend with an 'only' and take it in turns?

Or both of you take DD to dance class and if you can leave her there unattended, just catch up with a coffee while waiting, is better than nothing.

@Fidgety31

You could both do housework and shopping before or after work so that you have time to enjoy your weekends

DH wants to do food shop together so can’t do that in the week and after work, I’m doing washing, cooking for me and DD, bathing her and then get very little time to do anything else before I collapse into bed.

@Chilledchablis1

Can you afford a cleaner ? Also on- line food shopping .

No we can’t and DH got fed up with online shopping as always loads missing and end up going to supermarket anyway unfortunately. Tried all different supermarkets!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

He needs to do a foodshop Friday morning, clean after your LO is in bed- allocating your weekends to chores is the issue.

He can’t shop in the week as he is asleep on mornings. He doesn’t get home until nearly midnight, eats his dinner, relaxes for a bit and goes to bed about 3-4AM.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Can you get a babysitter and go out Saturday nights?

Unfortunately not, my parents live abroad, his are elderly and not capable. Friends don’t live close by.

@Pastryapronsucks

Get a cleaner. Best 20 quid a week I ever spent

Can’t afford to as we had to go into debt following a serious back op I had last year (didn’t get sick pay), so every penny counts at the moment.

You need to start working smarter together. We used to work opposite shifts when our DC were little. I also worked every other weekend.

You need to make the time is the only answer. Sort a routine. Saturday night is date night.

You need to sort your routine out as well. Get the food shop done online. Takes ten minutes if you do it regularly from the same place. OR if likes to do in person he does it while you something else at home.

Housework do the organised mum method. Half an hour on one room a day.

@Slingingcontest

Suggest ring-fence a date night every fortnight (the Sat you are not helping with DH sister)? Treat it like you would any other binding appt.

Also, don't discount employing a baby sitter for Saturday or Sunday mornings, so at least you get to go out together.

If baby-sitter too costly, you could swap with a friend with an 'only' and take it in turns?

Or both of you take DD to dance class and if you can leave her there unattended, just catch up with a coffee while waiting, is better than nothing.

We don’t have friends able to babysit unfortunately. None of our friends have kids and they don’t want to babysit! DD is autistic and doesn’t cope with other adults looking after her very well anyway. For same reason, we can’t leave her alone at dance class.

Why does he need you there to do the food shopping?!

He doesn’t get home until nearly midnight, eats his dinner, relaxes for a bit and goes to bed about 3-4AM.

So he gets 3-4 hours of chill out time, and you get none?

He needs to move that chill out time from 2-4am to 8-10am. He can get the shopping done, do some cleaning, all sorts of things that would free up time for the both of you on the weekends.

Well OP you asked “how do people manage to make time for time for each other?” And people manage by- doing chores after work on a week night, doing online food shopping, paying for a cleaner and paying for a babysitter. I understand if you can’t afford to pay for cleaner and babysitter but the other things you can do, you (and he) just don’t like to. There are only so many hours in the day/week, you can’t magic more time out of nowhere. So it’s a choice between online shopping (and accepting there may be substitutions) and sex or go to the supermarket together and no sex. To put it bluntly.

Move it to 10am-12pm or 12-2pm I meant. Don't know where I got 8-10 from!

I would prioritize nice time together over doing the food shopping together. So one of you does it alone while the other is working or doing something else. And then it frees up time for doing something more fun.
We dont do any boring tasks together that could be done by one person.

There are plenty of things you can do, posters have given you loads of examples but you keep coming back with reasons why you don't WANT to do that. Unfortunately something has to give and if neither you you are invested enough in doing things differently then I think it will be the end of your marriage.

I online shop every week and yes on occasions there might be a few subs, it's never enough that I then need to go to a shop, but even if I did then it's 5 mins getting missed items rather than a whole shop.
I understand you being knackered after work and sorting DD but an extra 30 minutes a day won't kill you and frees up your weekend, same for him in the morning, he gets in at midnight but stays up till 3/4 so can't do cleaning? Tough shit he goes to bed at 2 and gets up an hour earlier to do the housework.

You can do it, it just depends wether you want to.

Just to add: No real option to clean in the week as get home from work at 6:30, do dinner for me and DD, bath her, put her to bed then it’s about 8:30 and I’m exhausted.

Fed up with online shopping as always stuff missing, we do it together, usually on way home from visiting FIL & MIL or SIL on a weekend.
DH also works 1 Saturday a month from 6am-2pm.
No option to employ a cleaner due to tight finances.

DD is autistic which makes life difficult at times as she won’t stay with people and they can’t cope with her. Friends did once babysit but wouldn’t again and my parents live abroad and in laws are elderly and can’t cope.
Sometimes want to run away from it all.
I’m starting CBT in March as can’t cope with it all.

I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed what time is she going to bed and what about you? You wash up and clean the kitchen, tidy away toys and put a wash on, he works 2-10, what time does he get in and get up? He puts the washing out to dry and folds it, does the food shops (even if its online), puts the vacuum round. Split any other jobs similarly so you're spending about half your down time doing housework (you get less as you're sorting DD so do less chores)
. Then weekends you should be able to concentrate on family time. Get DD down to bed promptly, sit down with a bottle and relax

@purpleboy

There are plenty of things you can do, posters have given you loads of examples but you keep coming back with reasons why you don't WANT to do that. Unfortunately something has to give and if neither you you are invested enough in doing things differently then I think it will be the end of your marriage.

I online shop every week and yes on occasions there might be a few subs, it's never enough that I then need to go to a shop, but even if I did then it's 5 mins getting missed items rather than a whole shop.
I understand you being knackered after work and sorting DD but an extra 30 minutes a day won't kill you and frees up your weekend, same for him in the morning, he gets in at midnight but stays up till 3/4 so can't do cleaning? Tough shit he goes to bed at 2 and gets up an hour earlier to do the housework.

You can do it, it just depends wether you want to.

I’m just saying how it is. Do you have to struggle with an autistic kid every night after an 8+ hour shift and 1.5 hr drive?! I’m exhausted!

Well it seem "he" is making some odd choices.

If his shift is 2 - 10, there is no possible reason for him not to be going to be until 3 - 4am.
He could go to bed at 1am, get up at 9am and have plenty of time to get the cleaning, shopping etc done if he chose to
(I am assuming your little one is in childcare then?)

You can also pay a babysitter - Grandparents aren't the only answer.

DH wants to do the food shop together

Why ?

All you replies are really poor excuses. There is no reason why a couple of healthy adults can't get the housework and shopping done around those working hours if they wanted to.

It’s your working patterns that’s the problem. DH and I have busy jobs and busy lives but we know that ultimately come 8pm the kids are in bed and we’re collapsing on the sofa together. At least one of us may have our work laptop on sometimes but ultimately it’s our quality time. With your respective work patterns you’re really going to struggle. Is there any prospect of your DH moving to more traditional working hours?