Making time for each other, how do people manage?

[QueryD]

Myself & DH are in our 40s, married for 5 yrs & struggling to find time for each.
We work on different schedules, I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed, he works 2-10 so we don’t see each other in the week. He’s asleep when I wake up for work, I’m asleep when he gets home from work.
At the weekend, we have the house to clean (we have pets so have to keep on top of cleaning), food shopping to do, taking DD to dance class or to play with her friends and we don’t have any time for us. Every other weekend, we visit and help DH disabled sister too.
We haven’t had sex for months and don’t have time for intimacy which is making us both feel down.

How do people manage with busy lives?

TIA

How we manage is set time aside at the weekend. We don't often go out but kids are in bed about 7/7.30 and then it is our time to cook dinner together and watch a film - phones off.

Sex wise it is more often an early morning quickie before the kids wake-up!

You obviously have less time together than most people because of your shift patterns, but the time you do get you prioritise in whatever way you choose. Honestly I would rather spend alone time with dh and leave the chores undone and - dare I say it - I would also prioritise my marriage over my disabled SIL. But that's me.

Another suggestion. Does your dp get a break during his shift? If so, can he eat his meal then (must be better than eating at 1am) and then can get to bed sooner. Does he really have a 2 hour commute?

We make time for things that matter to us.

If everything else is more important than your time together and you don't have any physical intimacy I would take a good look at the relationship...

You are both working fairly normal hours although your journey time, and the fact you're working different hours, means you don't see each other in the week which must make life harder. But, you are each getting a 'normal' amount of time at home on your work days.

Many FT working couples expect to get some jobs done on work days (one day food shop / next day household admin etc) and then do the bulk at the week end. I know with small children it's more complicated. I think you should try online shopping again. We always do online and the times that something is missing are very rare, so perhaps you just had an unlucky run.

I agree with pp that your DH is staying up funusually late when he gets in from work. One of my DC's finishes work at 10 and is in bed for midnight latest, up at 8am ready for the day ahead. Jobs are all done in the mornings.

Come the week end, a half day of housework between you, half a day visiting family. You could go for a coffee or a walk while DD is in dance class. Put time in the diary every other week, to do something fun as a family for a half day, then on that evening do a nice meal / film night for you two.

It isn't always easy, but you have to both want to make the effort.

In time, could you look at merging your working hours better, or reducing travel time?

You are short of time and in debt. But you have chosen to have pets which add to your workload and expenses. Obviously no one would ask you to get rid of your pets now but you could think about not replacing them when they die?

Also, does your daughter need to do a dance class if that is adding to your strain?

It sounds as though you’re providing informal care support to your disabled sister in law. The impact it’s having in your well-being is significant. You are entitled to a Carer’s assessment under the Care Act 2014. If you are deemed eligible then the local authority could agree to pay you/your husband a personal budget. You could use this to get a cleaner. Have a look at your local authority’s website under ‘information for carers’.

Do not allow chores and looking after others to kill your marriage. The overwhelm is no joke and it’s clearly already affecting your mental health because you’re starting CBT. Get proactive and carve time for you and your husband. Good luck op.

We have 4 children at home and both do long shifts. We have a weekend night with the kids then a weekend night where we Chuck the kids up and have a night together. We normally have sex then! Works for us.

"It sounds as though you’re providing informal care support to your disabled sister in law. The impact it’s having in your well-being is significant. You are entitled to a Carer’s assessment under the Care Act 2014. If you are deemed eligible then the local authority could agree to pay you/your husband a personal budget. You could use this to get a cleaner. Have a look at your local authority’s website under ‘information for carers’.

Do not allow chores and looking after others to kill your marriage. The overwhelm is no joke and it’s clearly already affecting your mental health because you’re starting CBT. Get proactive and carve time for you and your husband. Good luck op."

This from PP. I'm so sorry, this sounds exhausting for you both.

I also think the two of you will just have to accept some compromises, e.g. substitutions in the online grocery shop? Too bad, use the substitutes. Someone forgot something from the shop? Try to do without that item and get it next time. I know it's frustrating but ... the perfect is the enemy of the good.

good luck, this is really hard!

Get home about 11:30, do Bathroom.
DH wakes up, we have lunch together then about 2pm im back upstairs to clean our room & DD room and change bedding.
DH cleans living room & looks after DD.
He then does the dinner and I have a bath.

Sunday: Couple of loads of washing in and out of machines (bedding and towels).
(DH cleans downstairs bathroom, conservatory & kitchen and I help DD with homework.

On a Saturday then, apart from cleaning the living room/bathroom and changing bedding, which doesn't take long (an hour?), you've got hours and hours after 2pm - 2-5/6 you could do family stuff together, cinema or a walk or park, then have quick stuff for tea on a Sat night (stirfry, fishfinger sandwiches, whatever - to save washing up/time) and then when DD is in bed you've got a whole evening to share a bottle of wine, watch a film, talk, have sex...

Same with a Sunday - the housework stuff is an hour or two at most, DD's homework can't take that long, you'd still have a morning or afternoon, plus the evening when DD is in bed, to do either family or just you two stuff.

Obviously that doesn't help with stuff like going out somewhere just the two of you, but it's still quality time just the two of you, you could take it it in turns to cook for one another or get really into board games or have a bath together or just go straight to bed when DD does and cuddle up with a film.

It's not quite going out for a meal I grant you, but it's quality time - you've got hours of time at weekends to spend connecting with one another. I think you're feeling stuck on the grind of life and either assuming if you don't go On A Date it's not quality time, or not realising that it needs to be scheduled in like anything else - which I totally get, life can feel a bit relentless at times. But in reality you've got hours and hours to have sex and just spend time together if that's what you want - what are you usually doing when DD is in bed on a Saturday and Sunday night? Or on those afternoons except cleaning?

@D0lphine

What about when your daughter goes to dance class you both take her. Whilst she is in the dance class go for a coffee nearby or go on a walk on a nice day?

Sod the cleaning taking all weekend! What on earth are you doing!? Just do the minimum and enjoy your life!

You need to get your head around this:

If you don't change, nothing will change.

Ie if you keep this routine up, you're not going to see your partner. So something has to change if you want to see him.

Basically, I had back surgery last year so when cleaning, I have to take regular breaks or I seize up. It makes things take a lot longer than they used to.

@Kite22

Well it seem "he" is making some odd choices.

If his shift is 2 - 10, there is no possible reason for him not to be going to be until 3 - 4am.
He could go to bed at 1am, get up at 9am and have plenty of time to get the cleaning, shopping etc done if he chose to
(I am assuming your little one is in childcare then?)

You can also pay a babysitter - Grandparents aren't the only answer.

DH wants to do the food shop together

Why ?

All you replies are really poor excuses. There is no reason why a couple of healthy adults can't get the housework and shopping done around those working hours if they wanted to.

He gets home at midnight, eats, sorts washing, relaxes whilst his dinner goes down and switches off. I get home at 6:30 but wouldn’t be ready to go to bed (tired enough) at 8:30 and the same applies. Does anyone go to sleep an hour or two after getting in from work?!

He gets up at 8 to take DD to school then needs longer sleep as doesn’t get enough in one go after work.

Money is very tight as I was off work 6 months last year following major surgery and we had to use credit cards as I didn’t get paid sick which we are paying off.

DH wants to do the food shopping but he’s done it on his own before and to be honest, forgets stuff or if something isn’t available, doesn’t make the best substitutions! We tend to go together as supermarket is on way back from when we visit my in laws.

@Kite22

Well it seem "he" is making some odd choices.

If his shift is 2 - 10, there is no possible reason for him not to be going to be until 3 - 4am.
He could go to bed at 1am, get up at 9am and have plenty of time to get the cleaning, shopping etc done if he chose to
(I am assuming your little one is in childcare then?)

You can also pay a babysitter - Grandparents aren't the only answer.

DH wants to do the food shop together

Why ?

All you replies are really poor excuses. There is no reason why a couple of healthy adults can't get the housework and shopping done around those working hours if they wanted to.

He gets home at midnight, eats, sorts washing, relaxes whilst his dinner goes down and switches off. I get home at 6:30 but wouldn’t be ready to go to bed (tired enough) at 8:30 and the same applies. Does anyone go to sleep an hour or two after getting in from work?!

He gets up at 8 to take DD to school then needs longer sleep as doesn’t get enough in one go after work.

Money is very tight as I was off work 6 months last year following major surgery and we had to use credit cards as I didn’t get paid sick which we are paying off.

DH wants to do the food shopping but he’s done it on his own before and to be honest, forgets stuff or if something isn’t available, doesn’t make the best substitutions! We tend to go together as supermarket is on way back from when we visit my in laws.

@jamaisjedors

Motorway traffic at 10pm??? I agree with PP, he is going to bed way too late and that is messing with all of your schedules - not surprised you feel you have no life.

Yep, M6 often has road closures!

If you don’t start work until 9am unless you have a massively long commute why are you going to bed by 10AM. Could you not wait until say 11.30pm and maybe go to bed together? A cleaner would help with the workload. Or could DH not get up with you and do a couple of hours washing and basic housework before starting work at 2pm.

10pm not am. Sorry just read your update. Thats no life for either of you.

Hi OP, if you had back surgery I think dh needs to take on the cleaning while you do stuff you can manage. All the cooking maybe if you enjoy it? The thing is, on the surface it looks like a fair division of labour but it isn't really. You do the same amount of hours in paid work. Then you come home and look after dd for hours, cook, etc. Your dh comes home and apart from unloading washing machine (10 mins) he does nothing for hours. Is he a gamer at all (just asking as that tends to make people stay up later). His hours aren't actually that anti social. Sure it's a late shift but he should be able to manage a pretty standard sleeping pattern. Something that would instantly make life easier is if he went to bed before 1 on a Friday and then could be up at a decent time on Saturday to do shopping or a bit of cleaning while you take dd to dancing. His going to bed late is causing you all to feel like there's not enough time in the day. And yet each weekday he gets 3 or 4 hours of down time....but you get none.

Shop online. May not be perfect but better than spending precious time going round the shop queueing, packing and then unpacking shopping.

If you can't go out then at least once Dd is in bed on a Saturday night, lay the table with your best cloth and crochet, cook something lovely together, have wine and dessert wine, and talk to each other, put tea lights in your room and head on up there after several glasses of wine.

You've got to get out of this rut, for goodness sake. You married each other, not Tesco nor the cleaning.

• crockery not crochet 🤣

Although whatever floats your boat ...

DH wants to do the food shopping but he’s done it on his own before and to be honest, forgets stuff or if something isn’t available, doesn’t make the best substitutions!
He'll learn! Honestly, if you do boring stuff together and dont make time for fun stuff you will regret it!

Could one of you look for a job with a shorter commute? It's a combined 6 hours a day commuting which is an awful lot. More than most people who can't afford cleaners etc. Would that be a possibility?

How long is cleaning taking if you both are doing it 'all weekend'? If you are both out at work and your DD is at school surely there isn't that much to do? I admit I have low standards but I barely spend a couple of hours a week on housework, quick hoover round, clean bathrooms, dusting, wipe down kitchen surfaces, wash kitchen floor ... surely you aren't washing windows etc every weekend?

Does anyone go to sleep an hour or two after getting in from work?!

Well I’ve no doubt plenty of shift workers actually do, certainly my dad who worked nights always did. If you mean people working office hours then no but that’s because most people have things they need to get done in the evenings, lots of the things you two are either letting build up til the weekend such as cleaning and shopping or letting slide completely such as time together as a couple!

Look OP I do sympathise as you’ve had health and financial issues to deal with which can leave you feeling overwhelmed and like everything is just insurmountable. That said your day to day family life isn’t terribly unusual. Lots of us have to get dc to school, ourselves to work and run a household with all that involves. Posters have made perfectly reasonable suggestions but you seem determined nothing can work.

Your DH needs to be onboard if anything is going to change and his sleeping habits are part of the problem. On one hand he’s getting hours of downtime which you don’t get, yet on the other he’s probably permanently tired. He’s getting 4/5 hours sleep (assuming he actually goes to sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow) then getting up to do the school run and then going back to bed for 2 hours. It’s a ridiculous use of his non work time and that kind of broken sleep isn’t going to leave him feeling rested and energised.

If he stayed up after school drop off he could do some shopping one day, some laundry another, the hoovering a third and still have time to himself before work. He’d likely be tired enough then to go to bed at a more reasonable time.

If your husband forgets stuff why can’t you do the shopping whilst he cleans. Last Saturday my husband did a food shop at 9am was back by 10am and left me to unpack it as he went to work.

Something has got to give her OP, This is no way to live, Both of you need to look for better jobs with better hours,,less commute etc,Even if one of you takes a hit with wages it would surely be worth it to have a more functioning family unit? Sounds to me like the debts are a big issue so if you sort those better maybe more things would be doable for your family, If its credit cards can you move to a zero percent card and shift the debt on there? It might save you loads in repayments and interest?Could you ask for a payment holiday or if they would freeze interest whilst you get on to p again of your finances? Can you free up some cash by checking your phone contracts are the cheapest or tv packages if you have them? Would a multi policy be cheaper on the cars? Do you have subscriptions you no longer need? Could you remortgage on a better rate? I would go through everything to make sure I was paying the least out, If you sort the debt then maybe it would allow you to free up hours or cash to help . Is the dance class necessary? why not do dance then skip meeting up with your childs friends one or the other doesnt have to be you tied up with both,surely? We see no one on a weekend my dd sees her friends enough at school its family time for us, I know you have commitments regarding dhs family but they would manage if you werent there on tap they would have to, You are giving your time away to them at the sake of your own marriage, You are not carers too so I would be taking a look at kicking that into touch and arranging some proper help if it is needed for SIL, Its way too much to take on at the expense of your own family time,

He gets home at midnight, eats, sorts washing, relaxes whilst his dinner goes down and switches off. I get home at 6:30 but wouldn’t be ready to go to bed (tired enough) at 8:30 and the same applies. Does anyone go to sleep an hour or two after getting in from work?!

Yes. My (adult) ds works shifts. Finishes at 11pm when on the late, and comes home and gets into bed. Finishes 7am if on nights, comes home and gets into bed.
Of course people who work office hours don't go to bed when they get in as they are usually then making dinner, doing housework etc, and it is the time they can spend with their spouses and dc. But if you get home during what most would recognise as sleeping hours, then yes. I mean he finishes his shift at 10, and has a long drive during which he can switch off from work - listen to music or a podcast or whatever, then get in and go to sleep. I have a few friends who work shift in different jobs and they sleep when they get in from their shifts, if that is 'sleep time', yes.

He gets up at 8 to take DD to school then needs longer sleep as doesn’t get enough in one go after work.

But he wouldn't need to if he went to sleep when he got in rather than choosing to spend his sleep time faffing about.

Out of interest, why do you both commute so far?
Why not either move closer to work or look for work closer to home ? It doesn't sounds as if either of your jobs is the dream job (as you say you can't afford £20 a week between you for a cleaner).

Really, it is ridiculous that you do the shop together because you say he forgets something. It's hardly a crisis if he does. Stop enabling him.