Making time for each other, how do people manage?

[QueryD]

Myself & DH are in our 40s, married for 5 yrs & struggling to find time for each.
We work on different schedules, I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed, he works 2-10 so we don’t see each other in the week. He’s asleep when I wake up for work, I’m asleep when he gets home from work.
At the weekend, we have the house to clean (we have pets so have to keep on top of cleaning), food shopping to do, taking DD to dance class or to play with her friends and we don’t have any time for us. Every other weekend, we visit and help DH disabled sister too.
We haven’t had sex for months and don’t have time for intimacy which is making us both feel down.

How do people manage with busy lives?

TIA

"doesn’t get home until nearly midnight, eats his dinner, relaxes for a bit and goes to bed about 3-4AM."

Ok so he's dicking about on his phone and watching late night films for 3 hours five nights a week? That's where the time is going. He needs to go to bed earlier.

He needs to start eating his main meal at lunchtime before work, and then getting to bed asap when he gets home after work. Then he could pull his weight in the week with doing a food shop (and I'd really rather do an online shop for delivery 9-10 Friday morning and then pop for anything missed off after than spend time doing it at the weekend). The other days he can do some cleaning/laundry etc before going to work, some days cook his meal for lunchtime and leave you food to heat up. After all, you must be getting up at 6 to get you and dd ready for work/school, then getting home at nearly 6 to do food/bath/laundry/bed with very little downtime.
If your dd is in wrap around care at school, you could ask there if anyone does babysitting as your dd would know them. But for now, just arranging things so that Saturday night you can relax together and have a nice meal sounds like it would make a big difference

Both of you could assign 30 mins or 1 hour if possible to housework during the week, so you dont have much to do at the weekend. If he doesn't start till 2pm, goes to bed at 3am he should be up about 10 or 11 so should have some time.
Does he have a long commute (you said he finishes at 10 but doesn't get back till midnight).
I try and do a bit each day - although dont always achieve it!

Agree with PP that you could make some time with each other if you changed small things in your schedule.

If you and your partner don't want to change anything then nothing will change!

Stop with the cleaning for at least one week, stop with the visiting the inlaws at the weekend, get your time prioritised to you and your husband. You said you had a SIL, see if she can have your daughter for just an afternoon as she is known to her. You have to stop all the peripheral stuff that really isn't that important. You relationship is. No more excuses just action is needed now.

@SleepingStandingUp

I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed what time is she going to bed and what about you? You wash up and clean the kitchen, tidy away toys and put a wash on, he works 2-10, what time does he get in and get up? He puts the washing out to dry and folds it, does the food shops (even if its online), puts the vacuum round. Split any other jobs similarly so you're spending about half your down time doing housework (you get less as you're sorting DD so do less chores) . Then weekends you should be able to concentrate on family time. Get DD down to bed promptly, sit down with a bottle and relax

I work 9-5 Pick DD up from CM Get home 6:30 Cook dinner - ready approx 7:30 Feed DD Bath her approx 8pm-8:30pm Put her to bed after I do some ironing or tidy kitchen, Clean cat litter trays, have half hour to relax and go to bed about 10pm Wake up at 6am, head to work at 7:30 to start at 9am

Him, gets home at midnight,
Makes something to eat, eats about 12:30-1am then he will take washing out of machine, puts in or takes stuff out of dryer, relaxes for a bit, comes to bed about 3am.
Gets up at 8, gets DD ready and takes her to school. Comes home, has another 2 hrs sleep until about 11, gets ready for work, leaves for work about 12.

Saturday, make breakfast, shower, take DD to dance class at 9:30 , DH sleeps in as he’d have only gone to bed at 3am.

Get home about 11:30, do Bathroom.
DH wakes up, we have lunch together then about 2pm im back upstairs to clean our room & DD room and change bedding.
DH cleans living room & looks after DD.
He then does the dinner and I have a bath.

Sunday: Couple of loads of washing in and out of machines (bedding and towels).
DH cleans downstairs bathroom, conservatory & kitchen and I help DD with homework.

We also visit either in laws or disabled SIL (alternating weekends either on a sat or sun) and do food shop after.

@litterbird

Stop with the cleaning for at least one week, stop with the visiting the inlaws at the weekend, get your time prioritised to you and your husband. You said you had a SIL, see if she can have your daughter for just an afternoon as she is known to her. You have to stop all the peripheral stuff that really isn't that important. You relationship is. No more excuses just action is needed now.

SIl is disabled and needs out help and so do in laws. DH and I help one weekend and his bro does the other weekend.

I’m just saying how life is not making excuses.

@Severntrent

Both of you could assign 30 mins or 1 hour if possible to housework during the week, so you dont have much to do at the weekend. If he doesn't start till 2pm, goes to bed at 3am he should be up about 10 or 11 so should have some time. Does he have a long commute (you said he finishes at 10 but doesn't get back till midnight). I try and do a bit each day - although dont always achieve it!

We both have long commutes. He splits his sleep as he has to take DD to school and get her ready so he gets 4 hrs then after he takes her to school, has another 2 hrs then has no time for anything but shower and get dressed before work.

His commute due to motorway traffic is 2 hrs and mine with traffic is an hour on way home or 1.5 hrs to work as busier in the morning.

@powershowerforanhour

"doesn’t get home until nearly midnight, eats his dinner, relaxes for a bit and goes to bed about 3-4AM."

Ok so he's dicking about on his phone and watching late night films for 3 hours five nights a week? That's where the time is going. He needs to go to bed earlier.

He gets in at midnight, eats at 1. Sorts some washing out and allows a couple of hours for his dinner to go down and to relax. He usually comes to bed at 3.

@TrufflesAndToast

It’s your working patterns that’s the problem. DH and I have busy jobs and busy lives but we know that ultimately come 8pm the kids are in bed and we’re collapsing on the sofa together. At least one of us may have our work laptop on sometimes but ultimately it’s our quality time. With your respective work patterns you’re really going to struggle. Is there any prospect of your DH moving to more traditional working hours?

My work hours are more traditional but still have an hour plus commute. We can’t afford currently to take a drop in salary so he needs a job with shift allowance which comes with unsociable hours.

@Tippexy

He doesn’t get home until nearly midnight, eats his dinner, relaxes for a bit and goes to bed about 3-4AM.

So he gets 3-4 hours of chill out time, and you get none?

He needs to move that chill out time from 2-4am to 8-10am. He can get the shopping done, do some cleaning, all sorts of things that would free up time for the both of you on the weekends.

He can’t chill out 8-10 as he’s getting DD ready and taken to school. He then has a sleep as he’d have only had 4-5hrs before having to get up for DD as I’m already at work.

Like I said @QueryD OP, there are only so many hours in the day, you can’t magic extra hours out of nowhere. Drop your standards and do less cleaning? The stuff you’re doing on a weekend, only do once a fortnight so you either have a full weekend off every other weekend or do half each weekend so you get half a break? Something has to give.

You are going to have to make changes. None of us have magic wands. DO both of you have to be there with the sil and pil every week? Could one of you stay at home clean/meal prep for during the week.

There is no need for both (all three of you0 to go to the Supermarket every week. Yes, there may be items missing but honestly it is a sacrife that you need to make. Can you both have your main meals at work?

@Tippexy

Why does he need you there to do the food shopping?!

He forgets stuff that’s on a list! We usually do it on way home from visiting his family.

What about when your daughter goes to dance class you both take her. Whilst she is in the dance class go for a coffee nearby or go on a walk on a nice day?

Sod the cleaning taking all weekend! What on earth are you doing!? Just do the minimum and enjoy your life!

You need to get your head around this:

If you don't change, nothing will change.

Ie if you keep this routine up, you're not going to see your partner. So something has to change if you want to see him.

Motorway traffic at 10pm??? I agree with PP, he is going to bed way too late and that is messing with all of your schedules - not surprised you feel you have no life.

it's really hard and lol at £20 for a cleaner, we pay £60, she's great and it's STILL hard.

we also have non traditional hours and I've just accepted that we don't have much time to spend together right now but one day our kids will leave home and hopefully we'll have done enough to keep the relationship strong enough and ticking over until that point.

it's never going to be like our 20s again with long weekends and every evening / holiday spent together. life with children, elderly parents and two jobs to hold down just can't be that way. some years it's just maintenance for your relationship and putting other things - children, wider family, earning money, professional development - first, if you are to reap the rewards of those things later.

good luck OP, I really feel for you.

No I don't have an autistic child, I didn't comment that I understand how hard it is, but your asking how people do it, and the answers have been given to you here it's just you keep finding reasons to not want to do them. FWIW I would prioritize my marriage over cleaning the house, I would just get done what I can during the week and the weekends would be family time. Every few weeks you could do a deeper clean, but honestly it's not working so something has to give.
I'm not going to comment on SIL or PIL but again there could be some flexibility there, it's great your so committed to helping out, but this is coming at the expense of your marriage, it's time to put yourself first for a change.

Have you tried batch cooking to give you both more time during the week? You both spend a lot of time cooking? What about slow cooking so dinner is ready when you get home?

Did

@Kite22

Well it seem "he" is making some odd choices.

If his shift is 2 - 10, there is no possible reason for him not to be going to be until 3 - 4am.
He could go to bed at 1am, get up at 9am and have plenty of time to get the cleaning, shopping etc done if he chose to
(I am assuming your little one is in childcare then?)

You can also pay a babysitter - Grandparents aren't the only answer.

DH wants to do the food shop together

Why ?

All you replies are really poor excuses. There is no reason why a couple of healthy adults can't get the housework and shopping done around those working hours if they wanted to.

Hi OP. I think this poster has kind of hit the nail on the head. Your dp isn't pulling his weight. Which adult with a young child gets 3-4 hours chillout time after work? He isn't working nights. He is doing a late shift but could easily go to bed and get up and 9am and have shitloads of time to do housework and online shopping. He just chooses not to. You, meanwhile, seem to be doing it all. No grown adult needs someone to go to the supermarket with them.

It sounds like your DH is making your life harder than it needs to be.
Why does it take both of you to do the shopping? Why is he staying up until 3-4am making him no use during the morning while he's not working? If he went to bed at a normal time he could do some jobs around the house before he goes to work.

I think you are putting obstacles in the way. You could shop online, you could change jobs, you could get a babysitter but maybe you just don’t want to?

Do online shopping and then one person does the supermarket shop just for top ups. You'll have to be really strict with yourselves and possibly just do the minimum on the cleaning. I reckon you could get it done quicker.
And make Saturday nights more special, even if you dont go out. Play a game together if you like that sort of thing (scrabble or whatever!), or watch a film, make some nice food or snacks. Make that your special time.

How old is dd?

honestly divide and conquer, if he cant get to bed earlier one night a week do one morning shop by himself- its ridiculous.