Making time for each other, how do people manage?

[QueryD]

Myself & DH are in our 40s, married for 5 yrs & struggling to find time for each.
We work on different schedules, I work 9-5 then have DD to feed, bath and put to bed, he works 2-10 so we don’t see each other in the week. He’s asleep when I wake up for work, I’m asleep when he gets home from work.
At the weekend, we have the house to clean (we have pets so have to keep on top of cleaning), food shopping to do, taking DD to dance class or to play with her friends and we don’t have any time for us. Every other weekend, we visit and help DH disabled sister too.
We haven’t had sex for months and don’t have time for intimacy which is making us both feel down.

How do people manage with busy lives?

TIA

I suggest better time management for your DH.

he got fed up of online shopping one of you goes to the shop. It doesn’t take 2 adults to do it

he works 2 to 10 why is him staying up til 3-4 am then? What is he doing?

Once he stops —dicking about— relaxing after he’s back from work he’ll be bright eyed bushy tail to do some house jobs when you’re at work and do the food shopping.

I say that as night shift worker and mother of child with ASD.

Tackle your husband. When is YOUR time to relax?

OP my husband works the same shifts are yours. It can be hard as you feel like ships passing in the night. I am never awake late enough to engage when he gets home. Lots of people have made suggestions and you have come up with reasons why thoes does work for you, I'm not really clear on what you were hoping for from the post. The only thing I can think of that would make a ture difference is you both getting jobs much closer to home. You would have more time to work with and presumably more money saved by not commuting as far. For what it is worth, my husband has an hour commute so home at 11pm and he is in bed no layer than 12.15. He eats at work. So getting in, he just spends a little time showering and relaxing before bed. Surely your husband gets a dinner break? Why is he eating at home? You both need to dust off the cvs and apply more locally.

Also, do the bulk of the shop online then just use the time after SIL visit to do the top up. It will save you time, time you can use reconnecting. Have you actually spelled out to your husband that doing the shop online and not caring about forgotten items would equal more bonding? Or coming to bed sooner or finding the money for a cleaner? I couldn't imagine caring about any of thoes things if my husband explained it would result in better quality time with him.

I agree with all other posters about tweaking things to help make the best of you time.
This is not an immediate fix; but you both work very far away from your home with 2 hr & 1.5 ghee commutes. Your life would be much easier with jobs nearer to home and/or some WFH and/or some cooking at the weekend so you’re not cooking each night. Eg warmed up curry/ bolognaise/ stew/ takes 15 mins so can be served almost immediately as table is set/ hands washed/ coats away etc

How do people manage? We don’t. Between work and childcare we hardly see each other. We certainly never get time alone together because we don’t have any free babysitters. We have no choice but to put up with it. I asked my mother how she coped when I was little and she said I destroyed her marriage because they never had any time together. So it’s not a new problem.

I outsource a lot. We have a cleaner, I have just started hello fresh and get food delivered. It's expensive but frees up time and makes life less stressful.

If I were you, I would expect my DH to do housework and jobs in the morning before work.

You could do some things too. I have similar working hours to you. In the morning I maximise my time to make sure I have less to do in the evening. During that time I do small jobs which keep the house ticking over. Like filling up/ unloading the dishwasher, putting a wash on or hanging it up, tidying up, washing up.

DH and I got in a rut and things weren't good. We are now trying to have date nights regularly at the weekends.

All the right things have been suggested. And yes your DH is a huge part of your problem.

In the long run, you need to find jobs without ridiculous commutes. The amount of money you must waste on travel, not to mention all the precious time!

In the short term, your DH should eat at work and when he gets home around midnight, go to bed like anyone else working that shift pattern would. He then gets a decent sleep until 8 AM and has all morning to crack on with shopping/house jobs.

Why you are shooting down every single suggestion people are helpfully trying to make?

Something needs to change here. Could either of you look at changing jobs or shifts?

DH wants to do food shop together

So DH gets everything he wants, including 3-4 hours chilling out and you get nothing? You have a DH problem.

if you don't change anything then nothing will change

^^ this

Honestly op , you sound pretty determine to ignore any of the very good ideas on this thread.
I'm not really sure what you hoped from posting .

Online food shop and a cleaner would be where I'd start