What to do when your partner never listens and constantly pushes the blame on to you - need coping mechanisms

[Moonstonemummy]

Me and my partner have a baby together, I work 3 days a week, he works 5. I work at home so whilst trying to juggle childcare on my days off looking after my son and whilst trying to work I do the housework (when work is quiet). Otherwise if I don’t do this my partner is too lazy to contribute and I do like to try and do things as a family at weekends so try not to do the housework then.

Ive tried in so many ways to get him to help me (I don’t ask for a lot) though he says I do! All I ask is that between the 2 of us, washing is done (which he never does, I do) the downstairs is hoovered, again mostly by me, the kitchen is to a tidy standard, he does some days but I do most and the bathrooms are cleaned (since being in our house I can count on one hand how many times he’s done it).

We are constantly arguing over this, he says I want my house like a show home (I can guarantee I don’t) we are lucky if our upstairs bedrooms see a hoover once a month - it kills me but I simply can’t do everything and also work plus bring up our son and organise our lives, make sure bills are paid on time etc.

I prepare all the meals and he usually cooks it up whilst I am feeding our son (when he’s finished work) but I also work for 3 of those days so I’m trying to juggle working and preparing meals so that our son eats at a normal time of day.

I ensure all of our sons (and my partners) prescriptions are ordered/collected and do the weekly shop, plan meals, run our pets to the vets when needed (due to my partner not driving) and most of the house/ life admin is done by me.

Financially we can not afford a cleaner and we can not afford for me to not work 3 days.

I’m at my wits end, I’m exhausted, my son isn’t sleeping well and I seem to be the one waking with him at night.

Every time I bring this up my partner just blames my high expectations instead of taking any responsibility for his lack of help. He always says he’ll do more, one day of ‘doing more’ and it’s back to his old ways. He says I nag (which I admit yes I do) but am I wrong to feel upset for taking on most of the childcare/housework/life admin?

When we have arguments it’s hard to keep my cool, I’m so frustrated through years and years of broken promises of change and him denying any of this is his fault. I feel so aggrieved by this.

I just don’t know how much longer I can cope.

Does anyone having any coping mechanisms? Or anything that worked to try and help your OH understand?

I’m considering going to the doctor for medication as I am really depressed about things, I cancel on friends all the time and avoid going out as much as possible.

Your partner doesn’t respect you, you can’t do anything about that.

Oh I used to have one of those. You require just the basic amount of him pulling his weight and he says you want a show home / you're too demanding / he's too busy / he's entitled to his day off / he'll do it tomorrow etc etc etc. And when he does something he thinks somehow he's doing you a favour. Like you should be grateful. Not that he is a grown up who should pull his weight in his own home.

I'm genuinely shocked how many people think that the woman is responsible for the home / childcare / housework, even if she works the same hours as the man. And that if she works PT she is somehow still responsible for it all. And that it's OK for a man to be sat watching TV / reading / at the pub / out at his hobby while the woman is running around after children and cleaning.

Your husband has no respect for your time or wellbeing. He is lazy. He is selfish. He thinks that it's OK for you to be constantly busy and exhausted. He doesn't care.

I honestly wouldn't stay with him. (I know that is very easy to say). For practical reasons (your life would be so much easier without him) and for emotional reasons (why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about you or respoect you - this is about much more than workload, it shows you who he is?). And for your overall wellbeing. You would have an easier life without him. You wouldn't have to deal with being disrespected in your own home. You wouldn't feel the resentment and the lack of care. You wouldn't have to tidy up after a grown man.

And think about how this will look to your child when they are old enough to notice (which is actually a really young age). They will see that a woman's job is to cook and clean and look after children. To run herself ragged and serve a man. Is that the message you want your child, whether girl or boy, to see?

I know this sounds harsh, but his lack of care for you or your home will grind you down in the end. You've tried to reason, you've asked him to pull his weight. He hasn't responded. He's arrogant and lazy enough to assume that you'll just keep doing it all forever, and that he deserves an easier life than you.

Grrrr.

You deserve so much better. I'm now with someone who never questionned that we share the workload 50/50. He wouldn't dream of sitting down while I'm working. We both want a comfortable and clean home and we both contribute to that. He knows that when he cooks or cleans he isn't helping me. He's just being an adult.

I think you consider leaving tbh, sorry

He's not likely to change now.

I’m considering going to the doctor for medication as I am really depressed about things

Maybe consider ending the "relationship". You will then not be depressed.

In all honesty OP I would stop doing things for him that he is capable of doing himself. Prepare your own meals, do your own washing and get him to order his own prescriptions, etc. He is taking advantage of you, this does not sound like a partnership, he blames you for nagging him when you are simply asking him for assistance that he should be offering anyway. You don’t need coping strategies, you just need him to be less selfish and lazy.

Leave him, he’s a lazy cocklodger, he won’t change.

@layladomino

Oh I used to have one of those. You require just the basic amount of him pulling his weight and he says you want a show home / you're too demanding / he's too busy / he's entitled to his day off / he'll do it tomorrow etc etc etc. And when he does something he thinks somehow he's doing you a favour. Like you should be grateful. Not that he is a grown up who should pull his weight in his own home.

I'm genuinely shocked how many people think that the woman is responsible for the home / childcare / housework, even if she works the same hours as the man. And that if she works PT she is somehow still responsible for it all. And that it's OK for a man to be sat watching TV / reading / at the pub / out at his hobby while the woman is running around after children and cleaning.

Your husband has no respect for your time or wellbeing. He is lazy. He is selfish. He thinks that it's OK for you to be constantly busy and exhausted. He doesn't care.

I honestly wouldn't stay with him. (I know that is very easy to say). For practical reasons (your life would be so much easier without him) and for emotional reasons (why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about you or respoect you - this is about much more than workload, it shows you who he is?). And for your overall wellbeing. You would have an easier life without him. You wouldn't have to deal with being disrespected in your own home. You wouldn't feel the resentment and the lack of care. You wouldn't have to tidy up after a grown man.

And think about how this will look to your child when they are old enough to notice (which is actually a really young age). They will see that a woman's job is to cook and clean and look after children. To run herself ragged and serve a man. Is that the message you want your child, whether girl or boy, to see?

I know this sounds harsh, but his lack of care for you or your home will grind you down in the end. You've tried to reason, you've asked him to pull his weight. He hasn't responded. He's arrogant and lazy enough to assume that you'll just keep doing it all forever, and that he deserves an easier life than you.

Grrrr.

You deserve so much better. I'm now with someone who never questionned that we share the workload 50/50. He wouldn't dream of sitting down while I'm working. We both want a comfortable and clean home and we both contribute to that. He knows that when he cooks or cleans he isn't helping me. He's just being an adult.

This is everything I’m thinking deep down. I have tried to give him many many chances to improve. To give him his due he does for a day or two but back to normal.

The latest excuse this morning is ‘you have to allow for relapses’ ‘I can’t just change my ways overnight’ I’m starting to seriously consider my options.

In all other respects he’s a good guy, just very lazy and very happy for me to take on the stress/duties/housework and thinks that because he cleaned one bathroom last week that he’s ‘doing well’

This relationship is well and truly over.
You need to leave your abuser because there is really no other option available to you now.
How can you be helped into leaving this man?. Do not continue to raise your child within such a dysfunctional and abusive environment.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Show him this

How exactly is this man good in all other respects?. He’s not is he, that’s you trying and failing to put a gloss on things. Stop
lying to yourself.
The only good to have cone out of this yay all is your child.

@Rebeccasmoonnecklace

In all honesty OP I would stop doing things for him that he is capable of doing himself. Prepare your own meals, do your own washing and get him to order his own prescriptions, etc. He is taking advantage of you, this does not sound like a partnership, he blames you for nagging him when you are simply asking him for assistance that he should be offering anyway. You don’t need coping strategies, you just need him to be less selfish and lazy.

Already the next step of action - his clothes are currently left on the floor and also left on our clothes airer, no more washing fairy and no more meals.

If we didn’t have our son I could quite easily stop doing the food shop, I can live off basic meals for a few days, he most definitely can’t!

In all other respects he’s a good guy, just very lazy and very happy for me to take on the stress/duties/housework

Have to disagree that he’s a good guy. It’s fine to be lazy by nature - I am not the best at being productive and would rather enjoy my down time than tidy up the kitchen - but the difference is, my laziness affects my partner and my children. So I pull myself up on it and get the chores done.

The difference all comes down to either he respects and loves you enough to not want to leave all the shite jobs to you or he doesn’t.
If he’s happy to see you run yourself into the ground and do nothing to change it then he doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you.

It’s nothing to do with whether he’s naturally lazy or not, it’s to do with whether he sees you as an equal partner or a skivvy who will pick up the slack whilst he sits on his arse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I guess I think he’s good in other respects because he is faithful, a good dad, let’s me do my own thing (whenever I get a bit of time), gets on with my family etc.

I guess I’ve been programmed to think that him being lazy really isn’t such a big deal but reading the posts and also writing down what I actually do has made me realise he’s making me ill.

Oh my word, do you do his poos for him, or can he manage that by himself?

You don't have one baby you have two. And the big one will never, ever grow up.

@Ohpulltheotherone

In all other respects he’s a good guy, just very lazy and very happy for me to take on the stress/duties/housework

Have to disagree that he’s a good guy. It’s fine to be lazy by nature - I am not the best at being productive and would rather enjoy my down time than tidy up the kitchen - but the difference is, my laziness affects my partner and my children. So I pull myself up on it and get the chores done.

The difference all comes down to either he respects and loves you enough to not want to leave all the shite jobs to you or he doesn’t.
If he’s happy to see you run yourself into the ground and do nothing to change it then he doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you.

It’s nothing to do with whether he’s naturally lazy or not, it’s to do with whether he sees you as an equal partner or a skivvy who will pick up the slack whilst he sits on his arse.

I can see this and wholeheartedly agree ! Why can’t he want to do these things?!

I expect he's too lazy to share around.

And how is he a good dad? Good dads keep their children's homes in reasonable order.

@MrsBertBibby

Oh my word, do you do his poos for him, or can he manage that by himself?

You don't have one baby you have two. And the big one will never, ever grow up.

Ive said the same - 2 children, not 1. Just accused me of nagging!

Sleep around. Not share!

I "had one like this" once, too. He'll never change, OP, it's too deeply ingrained.

"Nagging" is just a nasty, misogynistic way of saying "asking something reasonable and never being heard."

I wish he had access to Mn. Ive said so much of this to him but he’s made me out to be controlling/nagging/moody/never happy!

I’m never bloody happy because I’m too busy being mummy to 2 boys

@MrsBertBibby

Sleep around. Not share!

Oh my gosh! This is the actual truth! Far too lazy to sleep around!

Can you ease up on clearing up after the adult?
Stop doing his laundry. Put it this way, he does not launder your clothes does he, so mirror/copy his behaviour and attitude.
It is nice that you work as a team at meal times. I notice this works because you do all the planning and prepping. Does he batch cook or only the meal for that day? If he batch cooked that could cover your working days.
He sounds like too much hard work quite honestly. Nothing you have tried has him pulling his equal weight and fair share.
Have you tried going on strike? Not lifting one finger to make his life so easy and comfortable. Like a lodger or house share.

Please don't medicate yourself to stay in a relationship with a selfish bastard

@2catsandhappy I am going to do my absolute best starting today to do absolutely nothing for him. My problem is I do hate to live in mess so I can cope much less time than he does with the mess. He is quite happy in his mess for a few days whereas I crumble.

I can certainly not bother with his washing, that’s not my issue if he has dirty work clothes.

I guess I’ve always thought I had it ok because to be fair to him he does cook meals, he could batch cook yes. He’s too lazy to plan what to cook though

I suspect he's always been like this but worse since the baby came along.

You've asked him and explained to him multiple times.
He's an adult. He knows. He just doesn't care.

Do you own or rent the house you're in?