What to do when your partner never listens and constantly pushes the blame on to you - need coping mechanisms

[Moonstonemummy]

Me and my partner have a baby together, I work 3 days a week, he works 5. I work at home so whilst trying to juggle childcare on my days off looking after my son and whilst trying to work I do the housework (when work is quiet). Otherwise if I don’t do this my partner is too lazy to contribute and I do like to try and do things as a family at weekends so try not to do the housework then.

Ive tried in so many ways to get him to help me (I don’t ask for a lot) though he says I do! All I ask is that between the 2 of us, washing is done (which he never does, I do) the downstairs is hoovered, again mostly by me, the kitchen is to a tidy standard, he does some days but I do most and the bathrooms are cleaned (since being in our house I can count on one hand how many times he’s done it).

We are constantly arguing over this, he says I want my house like a show home (I can guarantee I don’t) we are lucky if our upstairs bedrooms see a hoover once a month - it kills me but I simply can’t do everything and also work plus bring up our son and organise our lives, make sure bills are paid on time etc.

I prepare all the meals and he usually cooks it up whilst I am feeding our son (when he’s finished work) but I also work for 3 of those days so I’m trying to juggle working and preparing meals so that our son eats at a normal time of day.

I ensure all of our sons (and my partners) prescriptions are ordered/collected and do the weekly shop, plan meals, run our pets to the vets when needed (due to my partner not driving) and most of the house/ life admin is done by me.

Financially we can not afford a cleaner and we can not afford for me to not work 3 days.

I’m at my wits end, I’m exhausted, my son isn’t sleeping well and I seem to be the one waking with him at night.

Every time I bring this up my partner just blames my high expectations instead of taking any responsibility for his lack of help. He always says he’ll do more, one day of ‘doing more’ and it’s back to his old ways. He says I nag (which I admit yes I do) but am I wrong to feel upset for taking on most of the childcare/housework/life admin?

When we have arguments it’s hard to keep my cool, I’m so frustrated through years and years of broken promises of change and him denying any of this is his fault. I feel so aggrieved by this.

I just don’t know how much longer I can cope.

Does anyone having any coping mechanisms? Or anything that worked to try and help your OH understand?

I’m considering going to the doctor for medication as I am really depressed about things, I cancel on friends all the time and avoid going out as much as possible.

Childcare and cleaning is a joint expense. Not your expense solely to be funded by your wage. Change your thinking about that and see if it changes the economics.

@Fireflygal he doesn’t drive due to a health condition so I’ve always been understanding of that. Though now we have a son it would be nice if he could walk down to the pharmacy and collect prescriptions. He just knows I’ll do it - it’s my sons health which is why I do it before he runs out of meds. If left to my partner I think he would probably run out. I just don’t think it’s fair.

He will do DIY if ‘nagged’ and he does do heavy lifting etc.

What he doesn’t do is a fair share of the housework/life admin that could make my life slightly easier. He also does not respect that I work too.

@Avarua I know that. Childcare is funded jointly currently.

However, why is it unacceptable to expect him to help in some basic chores (I work 3 days, he does 5) but my job with my son is by far much more demanding and doesn’t finish at 5pm, try that with 3 of those days also working I think it’s reasonable to expect him to play his part. After all it would realistically take 2 hours max every weekend for some help with cleaning. He’s always whinging his parents don’t see enough of our son (again he’s too lazy to organise this) so perfect excuse to get them over to help with our son.

Another example of someone who isn’t a good man, partner or father. Laziness is not a medical condition which you can’t help. You absolutely can help it! I am inclined to be lazy but I know that I am and therefore make e try effort to get of my backside and get busy.

I bet your OH is not lazy at work!
And I bet too, your anxiety etc would disappear without the need for a trip to the GP if your partner actually behaved like a mature adult.

I’d be telling him you’re no longer prepared to put up with the way things are and unless there are changes, here is no future in your relationship.

Please start thinking about leaving. He won't change. I can't leave mine because of my health....yet most of my health problems are caused by the stress of living with him. You will end up old, ill, broke and in a rundown house worth nothing bc he won't spend any money on it either. Start planning your exit.

I need to try and plan my exit. It’s so hard though.

Because I’m financially dependant on him, he earns more money than me, I know I can’t keep our house (that we both own) because I can’t afford to and it scares me so much.

I don’t know where to start, I can’t afford for my son to go to nursery if I leave him and my son loves nursery, not to mention how do I keep my job to fit around my son :(

I would have one last try

Sit down when you both have a second (not in the moment of you asking him to help) with some paper. Say you want to stop nagging (not that I think you are necessarily) and so thought it would be easier to agree a list of who was doing what so that you both could just get on with things and then have time to do fun stuff together.

Write a list of the basic housekeeping jobs you both think are essential and how often they should be done (weekly/daily). Write a description of what they look like if they are done properly (you both must agree on this)

Then share out the jobs, write it down so there cant be any backsliding

See how it goes for 2 weeks.

If there are excuses and jobs not done, you can know it wasnt because you both werent communicating properly, or nagging or whatever other excuses he usually has. There wont be any valid excuses left

@SeaToSki thank you for this suggestion. He’s just said he wants to help me but given excuses as to why he hasn’t, so actually think this could be possible.

I can then at least say I’ve tried wholeheartedly to give him a chance to help me, he says I don’t let him help me…

If you leave him he will have to pay maintenance.

@tiredofthisshit21 is that enforceable though? Because when I’ve suggested tbis he just says he won’t pay.

[quote Moonstonemummy]@tiredofthisshit21 is that enforceable though? Because when I’ve suggested tbis he just says he won’t pay.[/quote]
Of course it is. He legally has to pay. Go to the CMS and they will take it directly from his salary. He really is a prize isn't he. You poor thing.

[quote Moonstonemummy]@tiredofthisshit21 is that enforceable though? Because when I’ve suggested tbis he just says he won’t pay.[/quote]
Yes it is. The CMS if you opt for collect and pay will take it at source from his wages

[quote Moonstonemummy]@SeaToSki thank you for this suggestion. He’s just said he wants to help me but given excuses as to why he hasn’t, so actually think this could be possible.

I can then at least say I’ve tried wholeheartedly to give him a chance to help me, he says I don’t let him help me…[/quote]
I'm sorry OP but I think you could talk to him till you're blue in the face and he's not going to be interested enough to make any changes. Why should he, when things suit him just the way they are? Why should he consent to make his life more difficult, when you have already taken on those burdens on his behalf?

You wrote earlier:
we’ve tried to discuss it but it usually gets discussed when things get bad and we both end up not getting our point across ... My problem is each time I just forgive too easily because I’m too bogged down in work/childcare/chores and any help I can get is a bonus. He knows this I’m sure.

I'm afraid this seems to translate into:
No matter how often we discuss things, he never sees my point of view and tries to shift the blame onto me by implying that my (completely understandable) anger is misplaced. I am so exhausted that I give up in despair, and deep down I know he doesn't really care.

He’s not acting like your partner and he’s not on your team. He’s on his own selfish team.

All the good things you said are just bare necessities; nothing to give him credit for

The interesting thing about stopping the cleaning and chores for you DH is you will see what his standards are. Once you see that then you can decide if it’s worth getting a cleaner and staying with him.

I am older than you, and in less than ten years the useless husbands get ditched. If you’d be happier single, then ditch him.

The fundamental problem is a lack of respect. He’s not respecting you, your home, your time, your well-being. He’s selfish and lazy and for whatever reason thinks home / children are your domain. I’d be making plans to leave. Get evidence of his income / savings while you are still together . Look for rentals / plan to move in with family briefly / price up smaller places. Look for childcare. You can do it and your future is brighter without him.

You need to change your mindset and phraseology - from he is not ‘helping you’ to the factual ‘he is not doing HIS FAIR SHARE’. He is not adulting basically. He knows this btw, and is simply lazy and disrespectful. A nasty git too, telling you he wouldn’t pay maintenance for his dc if you split. As pp have said, actually he has no choice in the matter - he’ll tell you all sorts of rubbish to keep you in the current status quo, hence previous advice to talk to a solicitor to find out your rights. Good luck 💐

Worryingly, if you have already discussed maintenance and he has said he won't pay, that means he is perfectly aware that you are unhappy enough to consider leaving and HE STILL DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH TO MAKE CHANGES TO HIS BEHAVIOUR. I finally left my exh with very similar qualities. I did all the research I possibly could before letting him know I wanted a divorce (although I know you mentioned you aren't married) - free hour consultation with a lawyer working with a local equivalent of Women's Aid to work out roughly what I was entitled to financially, looking at places I could potentially rent nearby etc. etc. I started from a very firm position of "I can't leave" to "Maybe I could leave" to "I am leaving". No it isn't easy or straightforward but I don't regret a thing.

You cannot be dependent on a boyfriend, you have no legal protections here whatsoever, the only one is the fact you own the house together, which will have to be sold. He will need to parent his kid, and pay for him if you’re the resident parent. What steps do you need to take to become non-dependent on this pointless fucker?

OP some tips I picked up from living in a dirty house shares with lazy people. To help you cope until you can change your situation.

Always have binbags and empty the bin before it gets too full and becomes difficult. This also prevents maggots.

If you shop daily, others can't eat your food and the visit to the shop means you spend time out of the house, which is a bonus if the state of it annoys you. On a nice day the walk to a local shop can be peaceful or fun, not a chore.

If you have your own plate, bowl, cup and cutlery you can wash up as soon as you've used it and won't get sucked into washing up for everyone else all the time.

A bathroom bin and a packet of disposable cleaning wipes means you can always have a clean toilet seat, which is the only bit that's essential.

You can wash from a bowl head to toe. Whilst not as nice as a bath or shower it is quick and easy and doesn't need the bathroom to be free, you can wash in the bedroom. Cut your hair short and use a second bowl of water for your hair. I appreciate it can feel annoying to have to do this, but it saves you needing to clean the bathroom every time you need to wash, if others are dirtying it.

No need to get involved with others washing or drying. If there's something in the machine but it's not running, put it in a bowl, then do your own washing or drying and return their things to the machine afterwards. If they forgot to switch on the machine or hang out their clothes it's not your concern.

Wear slippers with a hard sole when in the house so you're not bothered by things sticking to your feet. Then you can hoover/mop when you have time instead of feeling like it's essential. A tray to put your meal dishes on has the same effect with dirty tables/worktops.

If you keep your son's bedroom clean he can play in there hygienically, so always leave the hoover nearby.

You drive, so you have a warm safe space in your car. Think of it as an extra room. Keep juice cartons, chocolate, swimming kit, a football and blankets in there. When you start to feel stressed just put your coats and shoes on, grab your handbag and go out with your son before the stress takes hold. Your car is somewhere to go to escape the dirt and atmosphere at home. You can drive around listening to music with the heater on or go to the park/ swimming pool/ library.

If you're going to leave your partner (I would!) look into a house valuation which you can do when he's at work, meaning you've time to think before he knows about it. Also contact a solicitor to see if you'd be likely to get half each on the house or if you'd likely get more. All you need is enough money to preferably buy, or rent, a one bedroom flat. Your son can have the bedroom and you can set up a bedsit for yourself in the living room. Its cheaper to run than a house and takes less time to clean. Look for a benefit calculate website to see how universal credit or something can top up your wages or help with childcare costs, so you can start to create an imaginary budget to see how you'd make things work as a single parent. If you need help with any of this contact Citizens Advice Bureau.

Can you hear yourself? You're actually contemplating medication to help you deal with the level of stress you're experiencing due to having a lazy, entitled bastard for a partner. Either he shapes up or you need to consider your options.

If I were you, I would stop cooking and doing his laundry for him. I would invest in a basket or similar, to throw his crap/laundry into, that hasn't been moved for more than 3 days, and belongs somewhere other than where it's been left. I'd let this junk pile escalate, until it became bin bags worth. I'd point out I work two days less, and use this time for "childcare/housework/life admin", all of which I already do a disproportionately high amount of.

And honestly, I'd mentally prepare for him to leave me, and seek out someone else to mother him instead (and dc, during his contact time).

"I’m considering going to the doctor for medication as I am really depressed about things"

^He'd rather you felt like that, breaking under the weight of the mental load, than take on more (or any?) of the burden himself. So selfish. The above is roughly how it went with my ex and I.

He says he just wont pay CM? What a fucking prince he is.
And yes, he does, legally have to pay for his own child.
He is a cunt.

Oh dear OP. Pretty sure you've had kids with my exH. Note EX.

He won't 'realise' anything because he doesn't want to. He doesn't care and he knows or believes he holds all the power in your relationship to get away with treating you like his skivvy, mother and nanny all rolled in to one.

In hindsight, you do realise that you created the problem by having children with someone who had already shown you who he was. People don't change just because kids come along. But you are where you are. I'm just fortunate I didn't have any DC with my ex. Tested him with a dog and he failed. Kicked him out.

You do realise that you only have three options?
Leave now.
Leave later
Stay and have a mental.breakdown.

He thinks he holds all the cards. Except he doesnt. You need to tell him if you left, he'd be responsible for the children 50% of the time, including pick ups, drop offs, illnesses etc. You need to start looking for full time work to support yourself and DC because the sooner you go, the sooner you can rebuild your life without living with a man who is sucking the life out of you.

They don't change. He's not a good man/dad. He's an abusive piss taking arsehole. Get rodi

*rid