What to do when your partner never listens and constantly pushes the blame on to you - need coping mechanisms

[Moonstonemummy]

Me and my partner have a baby together, I work 3 days a week, he works 5. I work at home so whilst trying to juggle childcare on my days off looking after my son and whilst trying to work I do the housework (when work is quiet). Otherwise if I don’t do this my partner is too lazy to contribute and I do like to try and do things as a family at weekends so try not to do the housework then.

Ive tried in so many ways to get him to help me (I don’t ask for a lot) though he says I do! All I ask is that between the 2 of us, washing is done (which he never does, I do) the downstairs is hoovered, again mostly by me, the kitchen is to a tidy standard, he does some days but I do most and the bathrooms are cleaned (since being in our house I can count on one hand how many times he’s done it).

We are constantly arguing over this, he says I want my house like a show home (I can guarantee I don’t) we are lucky if our upstairs bedrooms see a hoover once a month - it kills me but I simply can’t do everything and also work plus bring up our son and organise our lives, make sure bills are paid on time etc.

I prepare all the meals and he usually cooks it up whilst I am feeding our son (when he’s finished work) but I also work for 3 of those days so I’m trying to juggle working and preparing meals so that our son eats at a normal time of day.

I ensure all of our sons (and my partners) prescriptions are ordered/collected and do the weekly shop, plan meals, run our pets to the vets when needed (due to my partner not driving) and most of the house/ life admin is done by me.

Financially we can not afford a cleaner and we can not afford for me to not work 3 days.

I’m at my wits end, I’m exhausted, my son isn’t sleeping well and I seem to be the one waking with him at night.

Every time I bring this up my partner just blames my high expectations instead of taking any responsibility for his lack of help. He always says he’ll do more, one day of ‘doing more’ and it’s back to his old ways. He says I nag (which I admit yes I do) but am I wrong to feel upset for taking on most of the childcare/housework/life admin?

When we have arguments it’s hard to keep my cool, I’m so frustrated through years and years of broken promises of change and him denying any of this is his fault. I feel so aggrieved by this.

I just don’t know how much longer I can cope.

Does anyone having any coping mechanisms? Or anything that worked to try and help your OH understand?

I’m considering going to the doctor for medication as I am really depressed about things, I cancel on friends all the time and avoid going out as much as possible.

This problem only escalates when kids grow and they need more time and energy. The father will take the same approach and you’ll start drowning. It’s not you - it’s him.
I left mine and it’s easier without him.

@WildPoinsettia

OP some tips I picked up from living in a dirty house shares with lazy people. To help you cope until you can change your situation.

Always have binbags and empty the bin before it gets too full and becomes difficult. This also prevents maggots.

If you shop daily, others can't eat your food and the visit to the shop means you spend time out of the house, which is a bonus if the state of it annoys you. On a nice day the walk to a local shop can be peaceful or fun, not a chore.

If you have your own plate, bowl, cup and cutlery you can wash up as soon as you've used it and won't get sucked into washing up for everyone else all the time.

A bathroom bin and a packet of disposable cleaning wipes means you can always have a clean toilet seat, which is the only bit that's essential.

You can wash from a bowl head to toe. Whilst not as nice as a bath or shower it is quick and easy and doesn't need the bathroom to be free, you can wash in the bedroom. Cut your hair short and use a second bowl of water for your hair. I appreciate it can feel annoying to have to do this, but it saves you needing to clean the bathroom every time you need to wash, if others are dirtying it.

No need to get involved with others washing or drying. If there's something in the machine but it's not running, put it in a bowl, then do your own washing or drying and return their things to the machine afterwards. If they forgot to switch on the machine or hang out their clothes it's not your concern.

Wear slippers with a hard sole when in the house so you're not bothered by things sticking to your feet. Then you can hoover/mop when you have time instead of feeling like it's essential. A tray to put your meal dishes on has the same effect with dirty tables/worktops.

If you keep your son's bedroom clean he can play in there hygienically, so always leave the hoover nearby.

You drive, so you have a warm safe space in your car. Think of it as an extra room. Keep juice cartons, chocolate, swimming kit, a football and blankets in there. When you start to feel stressed just put your coats and shoes on, grab your handbag and go out with your son before the stress takes hold. Your car is somewhere to go to escape the dirt and atmosphere at home. You can drive around listening to music with the heater on or go to the park/ swimming pool/ library.

If you're going to leave your partner (I would!) look into a house valuation which you can do when he's at work, meaning you've time to think before he knows about it. Also contact a solicitor to see if you'd be likely to get half each on the house or if you'd likely get more. All you need is enough money to preferably buy, or rent, a one bedroom flat. Your son can have the bedroom and you can set up a bedsit for yourself in the living room. Its cheaper to run than a house and takes less time to clean. Look for a benefit calculate website to see how universal credit or something can top up your wages or help with childcare costs, so you can start to create an imaginary budget to see how you'd make things work as a single parent. If you need help with any of this contact Citizens Advice Bureau.

@WildPoinsettia

This is epic advice! It should be laminated and given out to new mothers. ESP the bit about the car - genius

OP - move towards this advice.

As other’s have said get a house valuation, think about where you could stay, who you could live with. Is there a friend in a similar situation you could team up with?

There is no hurry, he’s not going to change. So you slowly change how you are. Maybe he does notice and lean in. Maybe he doesn’t but you have given it your best and now you have a new plan.

What is his family life like? Did he learn to be helpless at home?

You don't need coping mechanism. You simply need to get rid of that useless, lazy and entitled man.

He is an adult who is not pulling his weight and should not have to be told to behave like a grown-up.

Stop doing anything for him. Don’t wash or iron any of his clothes. If he eats a meal, leave his crockery, cutlery, glass for him to wash ( or load into dishwasher.) Don’t tidy away anything he leaves around. If he’s messy and it annoys you get a large cardboard box and lob anything into that. If he won’t accept he has 50% responsibility does he have a place in your life?

Relationships shouldn't be this hard, OP. Your energy should be spent being a team not trying to convince someone else what being in a team means.

Thank you @Newcastleteapot

Some further thoughts OP.

If your clean things go missing because everything else is dirty, you can buy lockable storage boxes like a large tool box from hardware places. You can keep all your things in there.

Bowl, plate, cup, cutlery, tray.
Sponge and washing up liquid.
Bin bags for main and bathroom bin.
Cleaning wipes.
Washing bowl, soap, flannel, shampoo and face cream.

If you think things might get nasty when you stop playing skivvy 24/7, you can add a plastic folder with passport, bank statement, birth certificate etc and a bag with a change of clothes. Or you could leave these in the car. Then if there's a row and you need to leave, all you need do is pick up your box and go. Along with the stuff that's already in your car and handbag you can survive anywhere knowing you've got the bare essentials.

You could also consider getting bunk beds in your son's room and moving in there until you leave.

I hope you can find a way for your fortunes to improve. There's no need to live as you are currently.

Gone on Entitled to and put just your details into the benefits calculator. Put in your nursery fees and your salary - you maybe entitled to some tax credits as a single parent. He will also need to pay maintenance too which is extra - go through child maintenance service - find his pay check on NI number to help with the application.
He may turn nasty when he’s losing his home conforts.
Good luck.

Please don’t leave a folder with passport, birth certificate and bank stuff etc in the car, it’s not safe enough there. As you own your home with your partner and you want to sell it, don’t let it descend into a pigsty to prove a point, just do as much as you can manage to keep yourself happy with it, otherwise it will loose value and you can’t afford that - quite apart from it being totally grim for you and your dc. If you decide to split, speak to a lawyer first so you know what your rights are. Partner doesn’t need to know if you consult a solicitor, you can, and probably should, do all the prep on the quiet.

[quote Moonstonemummy]@2catsandhappy I am going to do my absolute best starting today to do absolutely nothing for him. My problem is I do hate to live in mess so I can cope much less time than he does with the mess. He is quite happy in his mess for a few days whereas I crumble.

I can certainly not bother with his washing, that’s not my issue if he has dirty work clothes.

I guess I’ve always thought I had it ok because to be fair to him he does cook meals, he could batch cook yes. He’s too lazy to plan what to cook though [/quote]
But you do the planning, the shopping and the prepping?

Ask how he'll manage to do all the housework, shopping and half the childcare as a single father?