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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stupid mistake or serious issue?

117 replies

CreatingHavoc · 20/01/2022 09:24

Last night I caught dp wanking to porn in the kitchen in the dark while I was doing the bedtime routine with our 5yo upstairs. I can't quite believe he would do something so utterly stupid while dd was awake. It was just lucky that I went downstairs to get something before she did.

Dp is thoroughly ashamed of himself (he can't even look me in the eye) and says it'll never happen again. I can't decide if it's just a stupid mistake and he didn't engage his stupid dick brain or if it's something potentially relationship ending. The fact that he put dd at risk of seeing porn and him wanking makes me feel sick. Wwyd?

OP posts:

Tamworth123 · 21/01/2022 17:27

There is an element of exhibitionism to your husband's perversion, similar to a flasher.

You do gave to wonder... gropes op in front of their kids, chooses to masturbate in a shared/"public"/family room of the house (before kids are def asleep) instead of a more private bedroom or lockable bathroom (or lockable basement as op mentioned). You have to wonder why.

Tamworth123 · 21/01/2022 17:30

Problem is, he'll get access to kids on own after separation and you want know what he's doing/subjecting them to.

They're going to gave to be prompted to tell you anything untoward, or he'd have to ve denied unsupervised access if SS supported you (?) Would puts all childcare burden on you but .....

TheGrinchsDog · 22/01/2022 00:31

@Tamworth123 I'm sorry but I don't actually think your last 2 posts are particularly helpful. I honestly think they are just going to add to the fear and stress the OP is already dealing with.

Yes unwanted sexual touching of your adult partner when the DC are present is absolutely child abuse, but I think you are trying to imply that he might sexually abuse the children? There is no sign of this in the OP's posts that I can see.
I've given some other possible reasons upthread why a man would display the behaviours the OP's partner has, based on what she has said, it is clear to me that abusing her and violating her boundaries is something he gets off on.

FWIW I actually don't think it has anything to do with the DC themselves for him, I think the fact that their presence adds to the OPs discomfort and humiliation is what is doing it for him IMO. The DC are just pawns in his twisted game of control over the OP.

So far the OP hasn't said anything that would suggest to me that her DP is an immediate danger to the DC themselves unless he persists in wanking in places they might accidentally find him. But again I actually think it's more to do with the fear and discomfort it's causing the OP knowing this risky behaviour has happened and might again than it is that he is actually hoping to be caught by the DC IYSWIM?

His behaviour towards the OP in font of them is still child abuse however and obviously I wouldn't trust him not to wank in places the DC could find him which would be incredibly damaging as PP can attest.

@CreatingHavoc I hope you are ok and have managed to talk to someone IRL or had a chance to call women's aid

I'd like to add to my earlier posts that you shouldn't tell him you are leaving him or that you are seeking help via Women's aid, these are flash points for abuse where things can escalate dangerously. Please stay safe.

Tamworth123 · 22/01/2022 11:39

Yes unwanted sexual touching of your adult partner when the DC are present is absolutely child abuse, but I think you are trying to imply that he might sexually abuse the children?

No I have absolutely no idea why you think I'm "trying to imply" that.

His behaviour as it is would he considered I appropriate at best, a type of child sex abuse at worst. If he continues groping any new partner in front of them, and continues masturbating using porn in shared main rooms in the house while they are not asleep or could wake up and come into the room ..... it is the same.

It is that which op would have to try to mitigate if they separate abd he has the kids on his own.

Considering that is not unhelpful at all, its totally necessary.

V strange post from you.

Tamworth123 · 22/01/2022 11:48

Yes unwanted sexual touching of your adult partner when the DC are present is absolutely child abuse,

"Wanted" sexual touching of your adult partner when the DC are present is also child abuse; weird that you would specify unwanted.

isthismylifenow · 22/01/2022 12:13

OP, while I was reading the thread, I wondered if he is into voyeurism perhaps. Perhaps he was getting off on the fact he could see people walking past or something along those lines.

I am not sure this alone would be a deal breaker for ending a relationship, but it most certainly does seem to be the cherry on the top considering everything else as well.

Original poster

CreatingHavoc · 22/01/2022 14:25

@TheGrinchsDog thank you for your message. I'm not going to say anything to him. I'm just going to have to play along for a bit I think. He's thinking I've forgiven him already because he's trying to be affectionate towards me again already and it's making me cringe. I've not shown him any in return. I have struggled to get to the point of being affectionate with him again in the first place but now I'm back where I was before. He repulses me if I'm honest. We are booked to have this meal later on and I'm just going to be gritting my teeth and cringing the whole time. Ugh.

OP posts:

TheGrinchsDog · 22/01/2022 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AnotherSillawithanS · 22/01/2022 19:14

Why does he feel ashamed?
Nothing to feel ashamed about!
He probably did it in the kitchen so you wouldn't hear him. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter walking in as you were getting her ready for bed and likely he thought the same.

This wouldn't be relationship ending for me.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 22/01/2022 19:18

Sounds like your partner has a porn addiction to be doing it at that time when your child is awake and you are just upstairs. I’d ask to look at his history if he hasn’t deleted it.

Prettybubblesintheair · 23/01/2022 13:22

@AnotherSillawithanS

Why does he feel ashamed? Nothing to feel ashamed about! He probably did it in the kitchen so you wouldn't hear him. I wouldn't be worried about your daughter walking in as you were getting her ready for bed and likely he thought the same.

This wouldn't be relationship ending for me.

Good for you. However it’s the tip of the iceberg and if you bothered to read the thread you’d see it IS an issue for the op so coming along to say you’re cool with your husband wanking to porn in a shared family room when your child could easily walk in and see isn’t particularly helpful.

How are you op?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 13:25

I won't be with anyone who uses porn.

Original poster

CreatingHavoc · 26/01/2022 09:16

@Prettybubblesintheair I'm OK thanks. I ended up telling him it was over in the end. I just couldn't face pretending any more. Unfortunately we're both skint so it might be a while until we can live apart but for now we are civil at least. It seems it really was a very stupid mistake of his to do what he did and he says he wasn't thinking straight at all. But that doesn't change anything for me and I still can't see things ever working out for us. He is being calm about it, which is the main thing. He also says that a relationship without regular sex isn't a relationship, which I'm not sure I entirely agree with, but... Well... Men!! Sigh...

OP posts:

Prettybubblesintheair · 26/01/2022 15:56

God there’s soooo much more to a relationship than sex! Yes it’s an important part of it but with small children and all that brings sex takes a back seat at that stage of life sometimes. And he needs to ask himself was he doing everything he could do make you actually want to have sex with him? Was he doing his share of childcare, housework, mental load and was he taking the time to show you he appreciated you AS A PERSON not a sex object?! My dh is always groping me and making cheesy innuendo comments but I like it because I know he loves and appreciates me as a partner and also never in front of the kids! Unless he can answer yes to all that he’s at least 50% responsible for the lack of sex if not more.

I’m sorry it’s ended like this for you op, I think you’re really strong to have found where your boundary is and stuck to it. Thinking of you and your dc

TheGrinchsDog · 26/01/2022 16:21

Well done @CreatingHavoc It takes courage to break things off but you've done the right thing.

Have you talked to anyone IRL?

Please do stay safe

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2022 17:26

@CreatingHavoc

Is that really weird? I don't even know any more.

Very.

Does it really not bother you?

waterrat · 26/01/2022 17:37

This is just so gross. The man has no respect for his family and sadly is clearly addicted to porn. If he couldn't wait til yoi were asleep that is addiction. I would ask him honestly how often he feels compelled to watch porn when it's an inappropriate time

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