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Original poster

Stupid mistake or serious issue?

117 replies

CreatingHavoc · 20/01/2022 09:24

Last night I caught dp wanking to porn in the kitchen in the dark while I was doing the bedtime routine with our 5yo upstairs. I can't quite believe he would do something so utterly stupid while dd was awake. It was just lucky that I went downstairs to get something before she did.

Dp is thoroughly ashamed of himself (he can't even look me in the eye) and says it'll never happen again. I can't decide if it's just a stupid mistake and he didn't engage his stupid dick brain or if it's something potentially relationship ending. The fact that he put dd at risk of seeing porn and him wanking makes me feel sick. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
CreatingHavoc · 20/01/2022 19:16

@LadyLazarus20 sorry to hear you're going through similar. My dp didn't hear me either despite me stomping down the stairs and the squeeky lounge door... I'm starting to wonder if he does have a problem with porn. He often objectifies me and has in the past made totally inappropriate comments about my body/my bum, sometimes in front of dc. He once said he wanted to get in the shower with me and says things about how he likes watching me get undressed while he's wfh. It's sleazy and horrible. Writing this down I'm wondering why I'm still here...

But I can put up with plenty that affects me badly. The fact he put dd at risk of seeing what he was doing changes things massively.

OP posts:
Ploppy1322 · 20/01/2022 19:19

Can't see why it had to be the kitchen that's a bit yuck Tbh but I couldn't see me getting worked up about it, I'd probably take the piss out of him for a while for having been busted!

Ploppy1322 · 20/01/2022 19:20

Sorry this above was in relation to the wanking would be 🤬 at the porn I didn't see that part.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/01/2022 20:29

@HaggisBurger. I think you are right— my H has a very frequent porn habit behind my back (most days) that he is unaware I know about and also like OP often asks to crack one out when I am going to sleep(he is not watching porn at that time ) when things were all good many years ago and I was younger I’m not sure these things would have bothered me that much — now I’m 60 , I just find it massively disrespectful, and a complete turn off -

MissNothing1991 · 20/01/2022 21:03

@Prettybubblesintheair

See I feel like even the wanking next to you in bed is just grim. It’s not a pretty sight seeing a man going to town on himself and unless it’s mutual or part of foreplay or I don’t know you’re somehow involved by talking dirty while he gets himself off, wanking is a private personal thing? Furiously beating his dick while you try to sleep is just so alien to me. My dh would go in the bathroom or wait until I’d gone out.
That's a matter of opinion actually. I prefer the act itself, but I find it sexy when a men gets himself off over me. Mind you, not once in my life have I suggested a man not have a wank if I won't have sex with him, or in the very least donit for him
Original poster
CreatingHavoc · 20/01/2022 21:47

I'm still not sure what the right thing to do is. He's clearly remorseful, he felt too ashamed to sleep in bed last night and slept on the sofa. He's just fallen asleep on the sofa again so no idea if he'll come to bed or not. We've not spoken about it but there is tension. I think I will try and talk to him about it tomorrow night.

OP posts:
Prettybubblesintheair · 20/01/2022 21:48

But is he really getting off over you if you’re in bed trying to go to sleep and he’s going at his dick? You’re not really involved in his pleasure then are you, you’re minding your own trying to dose off but you can’t because your other half is wanting so hard the beds shaking. That’s totally separate to being involved in your partner masturbating, him getting off over you would suggest some level of your willing involvement.

Prettybubblesintheair · 20/01/2022 21:52

Aw op I’m sorry. This is so hard. Thing is, is he sorry he did it or sorry he got caught? He put your daughter at risk. If she had seen him and mentioned it at school or something you’d be looking at social service involvement. Its all well and good being full of remorse now but that shows he knows it was wrong, so why did he fucking do it and hurt you like that.

Starseeking · 20/01/2022 22:06

@CreatingHavoc

Sex life is has been limited for quite a while but that's because our relationship has been problematic. He said he wanted to knock one out so that he wouldn't be a sex pest after dd was asleep :/ the ridiculous thing was that as we'd had a nice day together yesterday I thought that it might have been nice to try and get some intimacy back once dd was in bed and then he went and ruined it.

Ahhh, so now he's blaming you and it's your fault??? Confused He sounds utterly gross.

PearPickingPorky · 20/01/2022 22:08

@CreatingHavoc

I'm still not sure what the right thing to do is. He's clearly remorseful, he felt too ashamed to sleep in bed last night and slept on the sofa. He's just fallen asleep on the sofa again so no idea if he'll come to bed or not. We've not spoken about it but there is tension. I think I will try and talk to him about it tomorrow night.
But is he just sleeping on the sofa so he can wank to porn without you knowing?

You say he made inappropriate comments about your body - inappropriate in what way? Mean? Degrading? Treating you like you're a porn actress?

Feelingoktoday · 20/01/2022 22:22

I must admit I find it yuk but can’t explain why. Are these men suddenly so horny that they have to wank anywhere and right now. I thought we told kids that it’s perfectly normal but private.

I mean how do they control themselves at work? Do they just disappear into the toilet for a quick one before the next meeting to review the sales figures?

Original poster
CreatingHavoc · 20/01/2022 22:33

@PearPickingPorky no not mean, I think he thought he was complimenting me but it just makes me feel like I'm an sex object. He will makes comments about my nice arse or enjoying watching me undress to get in the shower and it grosses me out. He also touches me in sexual ways when dc are present and he think they're not looking.

@Prettybubblesintheair I think you're right. He is sorry he got caught. I think he is also sorry that he put dd at risk but the gravity of it hit him after the event. Apparently he didn't want to go in basement because it was cold. Totally shit excuse. I'm still in disbelief at his idiocy so much so that I can't sleep.

OP posts:
emilyintheSE · 20/01/2022 22:36

It's really really gross. But not relationship ending.

Prettybubblesintheair · 20/01/2022 22:45

[quote CreatingHavoc]@PearPickingPorky no not mean, I think he thought he was complimenting me but it just makes me feel like I'm an sex object. He will makes comments about my nice arse or enjoying watching me undress to get in the shower and it grosses me out. He also touches me in sexual ways when dc are present and he think they're not looking.

@Prettybubblesintheair I think you're right. He is sorry he got caught. I think he is also sorry that he put dd at risk but the gravity of it hit him after the event. Apparently he didn't want to go in basement because it was cold. Totally shit excuse. I'm still in disbelief at his idiocy so much so that I can't sleep.[/quote]
So he put your dd at risk, disrespected and hurt you because the basement was cold? What about locking himself in the loo? That is just a bullshit excuse because no one is suddenly that horny they have to whack one out then and there. I feel like he wanted you to catch him, either because he thought you’d be turned on and join in (hah!) or because he got some weird thrill from the risk. Either way it’s just totally unacceptable. It’s your marriage and I honestly wish you the best but for me this would be the end. I hope you’re ok Flowers

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/01/2022 01:30

I hope he doesn't do this in the kitchen at parties.

immersivereader · 21/01/2022 01:32

He couldn't wait?? I mean, WTAF.

What if you said, hang on DH, you put DD to bed, I'll stay and 'chill' in the kitchen, then cracked one out. No woman would ever do that.

Mumof3confused · 21/01/2022 08:15

The objectification, I can identify with that. It’s just so much pressure at inappropriate times, isn’t it. Like you’re rushing to get the kids ready for the school run and he’s leering at you. Have you talked to a counsellor?

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 08:36

[quote CreatingHavoc]@PearPickingPorky no not mean, I think he thought he was complimenting me but it just makes me feel like I'm an sex object. He will makes comments about my nice arse or enjoying watching me undress to get in the shower and it grosses me out. He also touches me in sexual ways when dc are present and he think they're not looking.

@Prettybubblesintheair I think you're right. He is sorry he got caught. I think he is also sorry that he put dd at risk but the gravity of it hit him after the event. Apparently he didn't want to go in basement because it was cold. Totally shit excuse. I'm still in disbelief at his idiocy so much so that I can't sleep.[/quote]
I've read all your posts thinking with each that it's getting worse and worse. There's lots of red flag behaviour here and I think it's become normalised for you over time so you don't see it as such anymore... but this! Shock

The bit about him touching you sexually while the DC are present is serious @CreatingHavoc it's actually considered child abuse and it is sexual abuse of you too.

LTB because this is a whole other level of wrong.

I think maybe you could do with speaking to a therapist to help you unpick all of whats going on and come to see and deal with the reality of the situation.

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 08:39

@CreatingHavoc

Also, he's not wanking in bed, making sexual comments, wanking in the kitchen (or sofa! Not remorse btw he was finishing what he started!), or touching you sexually in front of the children to turn you on, as a compliment or in the hopes you will join in!

He's doing all that because he's getting off on violating your boundaries! He's actually really sick Envy

Original poster
CreatingHavoc · 21/01/2022 09:09

Thank you all. This post has made me realise just how bad it all is. I can't believe I've become numb to it all. I feel awful. Sad

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 21/01/2022 09:17

Gross.

What are the other issues?
This impulsive wanking is probably just part of it.

Instead of sneaking a wank in the kitchen. gross. he could have been doing something useful/helpful while you were doing bedtime.

Fireflygal · 21/01/2022 09:19

@CreatingHavoc, how old is he? He sounds very immature, but is that related to sex only?

It's positive that you say when ill he stepped up and you felt looked after. You are also capable of having good times together. Does he work and is he financially responsible?

FelicityPike · 21/01/2022 09:36

Just ewww.
Sorry @CreatingHavoc

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 09:50

@CreatingHavoc

Thank you all. This post has made me realise just how bad it all is. I can't believe I've become numb to it all. I feel awful. Sad
Please don't beat yourself up @CreatingHavoc these things creep in subtly.

If you were able to magic you from the start of your relationship into the midst of all this awfulness that has built up by stealth over the years and is happening now you would be horrified and run a mile.

Your DP will have been subtly eroding your boundaries and over time he will have normalised smaller unhealthy or unsavoury behaviours and then gradually escalated and expanded till he has included his sexual boundary crossing repertoire of both you and the children.

Please do seek help, speak to Women's Aid and I strongly encourage finding a qualified and accredited therapist.

You are not to blame for his shitty actions Flowers

What's important now is that you take steps to protect yourself and your DC as soon as you are able.

I expect you have told him verbally and physically many times that you are uncomfortable with him touching you in a sexual manner in front of the children and he's not listened. So don't expect him to suddenly stop doing this, you are going to have to take active measures to keep safe I think.

Tell someone you trust in real life, a friend or family member. Don't be ashamed, you don't have anything to feel shame over so don't listen to that horrible little voice inside you that wants you to keep it secret from anyone Flowers

RoseSays · 21/01/2022 10:08

I'm not a fan of porn.
I think it's unethical (I know there's ethical porn out there - but I am assuming he wasn't watching this as it's a tiny portion of the market)
I'm not a fan of him watching it when your children are in the house and not asleep.
I would be angry about this, it's good he's embarrassed - I think he should be.
Maybe he should be doing the bedtime routine - sounds like he's bored and has a lot of time on his hands.
I would want sexual energy to be spent on me - how often do you have sex? Or does he not bother with real life sex anymore?