Stupid mistake or serious issue?

[CreatingHavoc]

Last night I caught dp wanking to porn in the kitchen in the dark while I was doing the bedtime routine with our 5yo upstairs. I can't quite believe he would do something so utterly stupid while dd was awake. It was just lucky that I went downstairs to get something before she did.

Dp is thoroughly ashamed of himself (he can't even look me in the eye) and says it'll never happen again. I can't decide if it's just a stupid mistake and he didn't engage his stupid dick brain or if it's something potentially relationship ending. The fact that he put dd at risk of seeing porn and him wanking makes me feel sick. Wwyd?

Is that really weird? I don't even know any more.

Op he does it in bed with you??

What fresh hell is this???

That would be a total no from me and if I caught dh wanking in the kitchen I would probably want to rip it off.

That's just gross 🤮

Does he regularly lay in bed watching porn and wanking next to you?

Personally, I would find that really grim.

He sounds like a total perv who seemingly can’t control himself. I can’t think of any occasion where my DH would think, oh right DW is doing bedtime, I’m going to have a walk and watch some porn in the kitchen..

@Sonaftersonafterson

It's weird. I'd be really confused by this as well as angry tbh. It's just a big WHY? Almost like he wanted to be caught which seems crazy but he could have used the bathroom, your basement... both with locks.

What's your sex life like?

That’s what I immediately thought. I know my oh wanks a couple of times a day. Always in the morning before work when everyone’s in bed, or when he’s home in the shower. The doors locked and it doesn’t bother me. The op’s oh knocking one out sat at the kitchen table when she’s putting the kids to bed in fucking vile

I think your other relationship issues make this stupid incident worked than it is.
He clearly thought DD was with you and upstairs, going to sleep.
He clearly couldn’t read your mind - and didn’t know you were potentially up for that - given that you said there hasn’t been much intimacy lately. Getting a quick wank so he isn’t frustrated and pestering you is actually a good and proactive step to deal with the situation. Except for deciding to do it in the kitchen.
But at least it was in the dark, and I assume he used his phone?
Living room, streaming it on main TV would have been something else, but phone in hand in the dark - isn’t something that a small child will be able to see/comprehend.

He doesn’t seem disrespectful with his wanking in general - as not many men would even ask their partner if they minded their wanking.

Good luck

He doesn't watch porn next to me and doesn't often wank next to me but has done a few times. I think maybe he thinks I'll join in or something?! I really don't know. Sometimes he says he'll be thinking of me when he's wanking as if that somehow makes me feel good. I think he's deluded.

Doing it in the kitchen is insane stupidity though. I honestly don't know what he was thinking. I'm really not sure whether I can let this go or not.

@CreatingHavoc

Is that really weird? I don't even know any more.

It feels like he may have conditioned you to think certain things are ‘normal’ when in fact they are quite unacceptable. Although clearly, they are acceptable to some. I could not imagine putting up with someone wanking next to me in bed, or in the kitchen. Isn’t that something you either do in private or together? It just feels really off to me but I don’t know you or your husband and the context of your relationship.

I can't decide if it's just a stupid mistake and he didn't engage his stupid dick brain

Regardless of what he's done/not done and what's right/wrong about him, you need to look at the way you speak about him and how that demonstrates how you feel about him. If you were a loving partner looking for a solution, you wouldn't be referring to him like this.

Accept how you feel: you're contemptuous of him. It's over. He's turned you off him with this, and clearly many other actions over a long period of time.

Why couldn't he go to the bathroom and pretend to be having a poo like normal men.

He'll be thinking of you when he's wanking and you're there? He's wanking to thoughts of you when the real you is available?

@TheFoundation I think you're partly right. It's been gradually going to pot for a long time. I don't hate him though, I was referring to him that way because I was angry with him and was making a reference to him thinking with his cock but it didn't come out quite right.

I'm mostly sad and very disappointed in him now. Just when I thought we might have some chance of sorting stuff out he goes and does this

Do you think he wanted to be caught op? In a passive aggressive "well if you keep refusing me sex what can you expect?" way?

Because if I was desperate enough to rub one out in a food preparation area kitchen while other household members were upstairs, then I'm damn sure I'd be on high alert for the first sound of them coming downstairs and I'd quickly rearrange myself and pretend to be doing the dishes or whatever. Not just sit there with my Fanny out and pornhub on my phone.

@Honeyroar

So he has a nice day with you, but can’t wait until you’ve barely walked out of the room before he’s looking for porn to wank over?? Revolting man. Not one I’d want!

This.

Even if you were angry with him, you still referred to him with contempt. This is no criticism of you at all, I don't blame you in the slightest. But contempt is an indicator that the relationship is over, regardless of context. Do you think you might be minimising your feelings because you don;t really want to accept them?

Sorry. Hard question, I know. You might feel contemptuous towards me for asking it!

I know some will say that I’m being wildly over dramatic but that would actually be relationship ending for me. I don’t like porn however I accept some/most/whatever men will use it but wanking in the FUCKING KITCHEN?! Not only did he massively put your dd at risk of seeing porn/her dad wanking it’s also a massive “fuck you” to you and your family together. To do something so disrespectful when there were other private options available is deliberate. It’s a “I don’t care that this is a family space where you cook. My sexual needs take priority above all else”. If I didn’t leave him I would seriously struggle to ever want to have sex with him again and I’d have lost all respect. Ugh the whole thing is just revolting.

Kitchen v weird. Wanking beside you while you presumably just read your book or read on phone is also v weird! Nothing wrong with masturbation of course, but it does seem a strange set-up. It all sounds quite dysfunctional.

He sounds gross.

I'm going to go against the grain here but both myself and my DP occasionally masturbate in bed. Sometimes only one of us is in the mood, it's never been an issue.

I don't think this is about masturbation though. The kitchen was a really stupid thing to do but clearly the issues are far deeper. Have you ever tried counselling or do you feel it would be pointless. Once you have 'the ick' I'm not sure you can ever go back (IME anyway).

@TheFoundation it's a perfectly valid question and I don't feel contempt towards you for asking it at all. Our relationship has been extremely hard work over the years and we have almost split quite a few times (my decision, not his, he desperately wants us to stay together). However, I think perhaps it is beyond repair. He says he loves me and can't imagine life without me but why would he behave like this if he had any respect for me and dd? His words and actions don't match up.

@MMmomDD

I think your other relationship issues make this stupid incident worked than it is. He clearly thought DD was with you and upstairs, going to sleep. He clearly couldn’t read your mind - and didn’t know you were potentially up for that - given that you said there hasn’t been much intimacy lately. Getting a quick wank so he isn’t frustrated and pestering you is actually a good and proactive step to deal with the situation. Except for deciding to do it in the kitchen. But at least it was in the dark, and I assume he used his phone? Living room, streaming it on main TV would have been something else, but phone in hand in the dark - isn’t something that a small child will be able to see/comprehend.

He doesn’t seem disrespectful with his wanking in general - as not many men would even ask their partner if they minded their wanking.

Good luck

So he is wanking respectfully then?

@hellodollyyy I think when our relationship was good, him having the odd wank while I was half asleep/too tired to join in wasn't too much of an issue. Now things are not good it does feel slightly wrong, although he's only done it once in the last few months and another time I asked him to go somewhere else as I was knackered and he was making the bed shake so he did.

Previously I didn't want to do counselling as my mind was made up that it was over and wouldn't work. Then we all got covid over Xmas and we got closer again through all the stress of illness, having to work together and look after each other. I thought maybe I'd give it one last go. Things were better for a few weeks but then this happens. Now I don't know what to do again.

See I feel like even the wanking next to you in bed is just grim. It’s not a pretty sight seeing a man going to town on himself and unless it’s mutual or part of foreplay or I don’t know you’re somehow involved by talking dirty while he gets himself off, wanking is a private personal thing? Furiously beating his dick while you try to sleep is just so alien to me. My dh would go in the bathroom or wait until I’d gone out.

Hi OP,

Something very similar happened to me a few weeks ago. See my thread below. It was and is awful. Agree with others about wanting to get caught as I cannot understand how my H couldn't have heard and SEEN me walk down the stairs after putting my children to bed.

He is also a porn addict who regularly sexts other women, so beware that could be happening to you too. Also a compulsive liar. I am worn down from years of this and gaslighting and am putting things in motion to end the relationship in the next few weeks.

This will not get better, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I've tried everything to keep this family together but have to accept that he is someone who has chosen to prioritise his sexual thrills over a happy marriage and family.

I hope you see a way out because life has to be better than this. We just want peace I our own homes x
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4395781-Just-walked-in-on-husband-masturbating?msgid=112304460

It is a very odd thing to do for sure. But to be honest, you remind me of myself when I (deep down) knew my marriage was over. I essentially attached hard to any “excuse” (actually valid reason as is yours) to end things. Even though I had thought we had a chance of making it at a certain point.

@CreatingHavoc

Is that really weird? I don't even know any more.

I think it's weird that he asks you if you mind.