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DN told me my DH was going to be her daddy soon
92

Anothernamechange22 · 16/01/2022 19:16

My SIL is extremely flirty with all men. She’s tall, stunning looking and gets whatever she wants by flirting. Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage. She flirts with my DH and my DDad all the time and my brother doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention. The women in my family all feel uncomfortable with it but nobody knows quite what to say.

Thing have been rocky between myself and DH since he had a breakdown in September and went on the sick. He assured me we were all good as a couple and that it’s just him trying to cope with being unwell. I offered him a route out if he was unhappy with us as a couple but he said I was wrong about that. I’m wary of the timing of his breakdown after a bout of serious mentionitis about SIL but put it down to my own insecurity. I have tried so hard to be accommodating and keep the household running and protect the kids from the worst of it all while also working full time. I put trying to find reason for his sudden illness out of my head to get on with life.

Anyway we were babysitting my twin DNiece and DNephew this weekend as my brother’s marriage has also been a bit rocky and they wanted adult time together. I was talking to DNiece who is 4 and asking her about nursery etc and she tells me “mummy says Uncle AnotherNC is going to be my daddy soon” - I just laughed it off as just a child talking nonsense but I thought about it more I just don’t know what to make of this.

I’m no catch myself. I’m small, fat and disabled. Youth left me behind a few years ago. I have very low self confidence/esteem and now DN comments keep playing over in my head.

I honestly want to be paranoid about it all but it just keeps coming back to, why would a child say something so specific and weird as that? I want uncle ANC to be my daddy I could understand but mummy says is just odd.

DH just laughed and say oh children say the funniest things. What do I do next?

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SummerHouse · 16/01/2022 19:22

My guess is SIL said it in jest. If something was going on would SIL be telling children they are getting a new daddy!? I think actual daddy would have something to say about that.

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/01/2022 19:22

I'm very sorry op but I strongly suspect that your dh is fucking your sil.

Are you and your brother close? Could you ask him what he knows?

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MercedesBenz · 16/01/2022 19:23

Hmmm your sil sounds totally over the top and could have possibly said this
You already have some level of suspicion, I would keep my
Powder dry and watch closely .

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lonelySam · 16/01/2022 19:25

I have a DC same age as your DN, they talk shit all the time. It's highly unlikely SIL would say something like that but you know the situation (and your DH) best.

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Anothernamechange22 · 16/01/2022 19:26

@SummerHouse

My guess is SIL said it in jest. If something was going on would SIL be telling children they are getting a new daddy!? I think actual daddy would have something to say about that.

My rational side keeps coming back to this. No adult in their right mind would say that to a child. I wish I’d of tried to ask some questions about was that meant to be a secret or something but hindsite is a wonderful thing.
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Anothernamechange22 · 16/01/2022 19:28

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'm very sorry op but I strongly suspect that your dh is fucking your sil.

Are you and your brother close? Could you ask him what he knows?

I don’t think they’re fucking yet! I can’t say in any confidence if that will always be the case.
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Aderyn21 · 16/01/2022 19:28

I wouldn't shrug that off. I'd be challenging my dh on the mentionitis and telling him in no uncertain terms that if there's something going on there's going to be trouble and also asking sil wtf is going on.
This all needs to be brought out into the light - kids don't* just say those things and mothers don't^!say those things in jest!

Your family needs to tell sil that the inappropriate flirting has to stop.

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Theunamedcat · 16/01/2022 19:28

I would be unimpressed that adults are allowing children to speak like this why are they not corrected?

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AlternativePerspective · 16/01/2022 19:29

I’d imagine that if she’s not discreet about flirting with other men she probably wouldn’t think twice about having her affair partners around her kids.

I know people whose partners/parents had affairs and it was essentially done in plain sight, with the children being involved with mummy/daddy/s “friend” from the outset.

In fact I know someone who went round to her sister’s house, and when she knocked the 4 year old answered and said “mummy’s gone for a lie down with uncle Jim.” Shock Shock

I would tell your brother what happened. it seems somewhat of a coincidence that your marriage is in trouble, their marriage is in trouble, your dh has mentionitis, and the DN said this.

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Diggersaursarethebest · 16/01/2022 19:31

Possibly you DN has understood that her parents may be separating. And she’s interpreting that as losing daddy and requiring a new one and your DH who is also a daddy or a man that could be a daddy is just the person she immediately imagined being able to fit that role. Kids the same age also say they are going to marry mummy/daddy when they grow up. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

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DSGR · 16/01/2022 19:31

I’d be taking my DH to task too.. I’d ask him straight if anything is going on, I’d ask to see his phone and expect him to give it to me there and then.
And I’d probably be keeping a close eye.
Yes, no adult in their right mind would say this but it IS incredibly strange

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Diggersaursarethebest · 16/01/2022 19:32

Tell DN she only has one daddy and that never changes even when you don’t live in the same house anymore because you grow up and leave or because parents split up.

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Anothernamechange22 · 16/01/2022 19:33

alternative perspective your final paragraph sums up my thinking exactly.

My brother and I don’t have the closest relationship and he’s prone to quite abusive outbursts. I don’t want to go to him armed with the wrong info and damaging our relationship as well as both our marriages

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SunshineCake1 · 16/01/2022 19:35

Given what a friend has told me her four year old said recently I would absolutely be believing your SIL has told her child this and I would be making the necessary changes.

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Gumbomambo · 16/01/2022 19:36

Have things settled down with DH since his breakdown? Are there other signs that might be concrete like hiding phone, going to the shops for milk and disappearing for hours? Money missing? Making an effort when you see SIL. Also I’m sure your just as lovely as SIL and don’t flirt with your families husbands. Have a talk to him about where you are now and get a better idea. Take care of yourself too, you sound a bit frazzled by it all and could probably do with a bit of care and attention yourself. 💐

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peboh · 16/01/2022 19:36

A 4 year old doesn't just say this for no reason, so you need to be confronting your sil and asking her why the hell her daughter thinks your husband is going to be her daddy. Also speak to your brother and tell him.

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Ozanj · 16/01/2022 19:37

@AlternativePerspective

I’d imagine that if she’s not discreet about flirting with other men she probably wouldn’t think twice about having her affair partners around her kids.

I know people whose partners/parents had affairs and it was essentially done in plain sight, with the children being involved with mummy/daddy/s “friend” from the outset.

In fact I know someone who went round to her sister’s house, and when she knocked the 4 year old answered and said “mummy’s gone for a lie down with uncle Jim.” Shock Shock

I would tell your brother what happened. it seems somewhat of a coincidence that your marriage is in trouble, their marriage is in trouble, your dh has mentionitis, and the DN said this.

I agree. Kids don’t tend to be this specific about who the new dad would be without a reason. If your brother’s abusive and you don’t want to mention it to him then I would be shutting your sil down when the flirting starts publically.
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IncompleteSenten · 16/01/2022 19:38

I'd be speaking to my brother asap.

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WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 19:50

Honestly I think you’re just being insecure.

No way would she say this to a child.

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SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 19:52

Tell your DH was DN said. His reaction will tell you a lot.

You obviously know him unlike us so you'll know what his reactions mean.

And I don't mean tell him as in you have a suspicion about them, I'd just say it very matter of fact like "oh you'll never guess what DN said today"

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WatieKatie · 16/01/2022 20:01

Unless there are other signs I would forget about it.

Around 4yrs my DN kept going on about me & my brother (her father) kissing and getting married, much to our embarrassment. Obviously that didn’t happen & I have no idea where she got this crazy idea from.

I am sorry to read about you self esteem being so low though

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MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 16/01/2022 20:07

I would be getting my ducks in a row. Not saying you need to do any more than that but if the shit does hit the fan, you will be better prepared.
Yes. Kids say weird things but that's a bit specific to dismiss it as offhand. I wonder if she has overheard a conversation?
Anyway, I really hope it turns out to be nothing. Take care of yourself.

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JugglingJanuary · 16/01/2022 20:07

@WonderfulYou

Honestly I think you’re just being insecure.

No way would she say this to a child.

Aww bless. Have you always lived a very shielded life?
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JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 16/01/2022 20:13

I wouldn't worry based on the comment alone, my 3 year old in response to a woman working in a coffee shop asking 'is that your daddy' of DH, said "no that's just a man, with a beard" then he stopped thought and added "and a moustache". It was his father. He also has a habit of calling our male friend daddy if we're out with his DC too, mainly because his sons call him that and he just gets swept up in it.

However the comment alone with other things could be something, is he secretive with his phone, is he out longer than expected regularly without logical explanation, how bad is the mentionitis, where did the breakdown come from is it fairly clear or could it be coming from guilt?

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waterrat · 16/01/2022 20:17

When I was a teenager I babysat young girls and I will never forget tjrm telling me (a random 16 year old from their street) that their daddy was secretly kissing their best friends mummy and they had seen it. I felt very sad that their parents didn't know they knew and the kids were suffering. They were a bit older than 4 but not much. Kids see a lot.

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