DN told me my DH was going to be her daddy soon

[Anothernamechange22]

My SIL is extremely flirty with all men. She’s tall, stunning looking and gets whatever she wants by flirting. Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage. She flirts with my DH and my DDad all the time and my brother doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention. The women in my family all feel uncomfortable with it but nobody knows quite what to say.

Thing have been rocky between myself and DH since he had a breakdown in September and went on the sick. He assured me we were all good as a couple and that it’s just him trying to cope with being unwell. I offered him a route out if he was unhappy with us as a couple but he said I was wrong about that. I’m wary of the timing of his breakdown after a bout of serious mentionitis about SIL but put it down to my own insecurity. I have tried so hard to be accommodating and keep the household running and protect the kids from the worst of it all while also working full time. I put trying to find reason for his sudden illness out of my head to get on with life.

Anyway we were babysitting my twin DNiece and DNephew this weekend as my brother’s marriage has also been a bit rocky and they wanted adult time together. I was talking to DNiece who is 4 and asking her about nursery etc and she tells me “mummy says Uncle AnotherNC is going to be my daddy soon” - I just laughed it off as just a child talking nonsense but I thought about it more I just don’t know what to make of this.

I’m no catch myself. I’m small, fat and disabled. Youth left me behind a few years ago. I have very low self confidence/esteem and now DN comments keep playing over in my head.

I honestly want to be paranoid about it all but it just keeps coming back to, why would a child say something so specific and weird as that? I want uncle ANC to be my daddy I could understand but mummy says is just odd.

DH just laughed and say oh children say the funniest things. What do I do next?

sudden depression after a bout of mentionitis would be worrying me, op.
can you look back at what was going on in your lives in august/sept?

@Gumbomambo

Have things settled down with DH since his breakdown? Are there other signs that might be concrete like hiding phone, going to the shops for milk and disappearing for hours? Money missing? Making an effort when you see SIL. Also I’m sure your just as lovely as SIL and don’t flirt with your families husbands. Have a talk to him about where you are now and get a better idea. Take care of yourself too, you sound a bit frazzled by it all and could probably do with a bit of care and attention yourself. 💐

He’s been very unwell. He leaves his phone around, I can look at it anytime I want. He’s barely left the house since October, no money missing, no disappearing for hours and definitely no effort for anyone except his mum (not sure what that might say 😳). I think he was flattered by the attention as all the men in my family are and it went to his head a bit but I think I do belive him when he said there’s nothing going on. I’m not sure if it hadn’t of been brought up when it was that it would of stayed that way though.

and their wobbly relationship...

theres a lot of coincidences here.

OP, if your SIL successfully flirts with whoever she wants, do you think she’d pick your DH to have an affair with? That would be asking for a ridiculous quantity of drama, and would she find your husband while he’s having an episode of major depression a particular attractive prospect as someone with no shame and lots of options? The answer to both these questions could be yes or it could be no - you know your SIL better than the mumsnet vipers do.

SIL obviously doesn't get what she wants from her actual DH. Sounds like she trying to get attention from everyone else.

It's a tricky one. I've got a dh with depression and tbh I don't think he would have the energy to have an affair. Kids also come out with all kinds of rubbish. My dc watched something on CBeebies where a girl skyped her "real dad" who lived in America. Ds was convinced that every man he saw on zoom was his "real dad" which was embarrassing as it was during lockdown 1 when everything from piano lessons to school and other activities were all on zoom.

@Theunamedcat

I would be unimpressed that adults are allowing children to speak like this why are they not corrected?

Either this is ironic and I need a sense of humour rejig , or this is a very odd comment…

Aww bless. Have you always lived a very shielded life?

I wouldn't worry based on the comment alone, my 3 year old in response to a woman working in a coffee shop asking 'is that your daddy' of DH, said "no that's just a man, with a beard" then he stopped thought and added "and a moustache". It was his father. He also has a habit of calling our male friend daddy if we're out with his DC too

Are you for real?!
Your own kid says stupid stuff about other people being their dad yet you say that to me

*Theunamedcat

I would be unimpressed that adults are allowing children to speak like this why are they not corrected?

Either this is ironic and I need a sense of humour rejig , or this is a very odd comment…* Are you reading it wrong? Pp means didn't op say to 4yo 'Oh no he's not, don't be silly', I assume.

@Diggersaursarethebest

Possibly you DN has understood that her parents may be separating. And she’s interpreting that as losing daddy and requiring a new one and your DH who is also a daddy or a man that could be a daddy is just the person she immediately imagined being able to fit that role. Kids the same age also say they are going to marry mummy/daddy when they grow up. I wouldn’t read too much into it.

This.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

*Theunamedcat

I would be unimpressed that adults are allowing children to speak like this why are they not corrected?

Either this is ironic and I need a sense of humour rejig , or this is a very odd comment…* Are you reading it wrong? Pp means didn't op say to 4yo 'Oh no he's not, don't be silly', I assume.

I did just laugh it off and said some thing like you already have a daddy.

Of course. I think your dh's circumstances sound like there's unlikely anything going on but I can imagine you feel sick. Only you know if SIL is the type to say something so inappropriate to her dd, even as some sort of joke.

@elliejjtiny

It's a tricky one. I've got a dh with depression and tbh I don't think he would have the energy to have an affair. Kids also come out with all kinds of rubbish. My dc watched something on CBeebies where a girl skyped her "real dad" who lived in America. Ds was convinced that every man he saw on zoom was his "real dad" which was embarrassing as it was during lockdown 1 when everything from piano lessons to school and other activities were all on zoom.

If anything had gone on I think it was before his breakdown and I don’t think it would have got to the physical stage.

My paranoid and overactive mind wonders if the breakdown was in response to some kind of rejection or guilt.

There used to be a woman in my extended family who flirted like this. Made everyone very uncomfortable, and caused unnecessary tension.

It’s odd behaviour within a family - looking back she wanted to cause trouble and make people feel suspicious and insecure.

If your brother is abusive then telling his you think his wife plans to replace him with your husband could result in a violent outburst so you really shouldn’t say anything to him.

Focus on your relationship. It doesn’t sound like you are getting much out of it at the money.

Sit down with your husband - tell him your suspicions and exactly what your niece said. Explain you need total honesty. If it’s true then you need to quickly protect yourself and your children - and let him manage his own shit show.

Even if there is no affair do you still want this relationship.

@WonderfulYou I think you've conflated my post and the rude one above. Both usernames begin with J but different users. I'm not the person who said you were naive.

Sorry the post didn't say naive it said shielded

I think the most likely thing is this comment is an extension of flirting for your (clearly deeply insecure) sister in law.

The reality is (sorry to be blunt) your husband is not a catch in his present state. She might enjoy flirting with him / fucking w his head, it’s unlikely she’s actually fucking him, not impossible, but unlikely.

The key thing is to pull back from the two of them as much as you can, just let communication fade. No more babysitting, minimal family events. Don’t worry if everyone thinks it’s a bit odd. This women is a trouble maker and it sounds like she is messing with heads.

Focus on working on your marriage. However to be on the absolute safe side, I would pull all your financial info and see a solicitor. Just so if things go south again with your husband you have a plan in place.

If she fancies herself as miss charisma then she probably doesnt want an affair with a depressed man.

One thing I know about kids is they are completely innocent. She wouldn’t have thought this to herself, she is repeating what she has heard.

Sorry, but i wouldn’t ignore this, his probably having an affair.

I wonder whether SIL is having an affair with someone with the same name as your DH.

Ie "John will be your daddy soon" still a strange thing to say to a child though.

I don’t know my sil well enough to know if she’d say something like that to a child. I can’t imagine any adult saying that to their child but you just never know. My DN doesn’t really make stuff up, her twin does all the time but silly things like he goes to nursery in a batmobile and his teacher is Batman, that he didn’t eat all the biscuits, the usual 4 year old stuff.

Sil has had mental health struggles in the pass too and has previous for getting involved with married men with kids but before she was married to my DB. A sympathetic ear from DH who has a history of MH problems might be enough to create a spark beyond her usual flirting, especially if her own marriage is in trouble but that might just be my overactive imagination. I’m hoping it is. Like I said if anything went on it hasn’t since September/October because he’s been in the house with me the entire time (and that doesn’t help us either with me wfh.)

I’ve just no idea how to find out. I raised it with DH and he denies anything ever went on. I do believe nothing has gone on since autumn.

I’m scared to raise it with DB in case I’m totally wrong and I’ll of ruined two relationships and been wrong.

In your shoes I would tell your SIL what the little girl said to you. I think you will have a feel of what is going on based on her reaction. It just seems very unlikely that even if they are having an affair it would shared with the little girl. Most likely your DH had a little crush on SIL when the mentionitis happened purely because it looked like her life is more interesting than his. I think you might be more suspicious because of your view on the disparity in looks between yourself and SIL

My almost 4yo goddaughter has been with me today and kept getting confused and calling my dad Dad when she spoke to him. I agree it’s strange she said ‘mummy said’ but it may be completely innocent

Id be inclined to belive something happened

How much time do you spend with your brother or SIL? I would stop that altogether for now. You've said you're not close to your brother, yet you've ended up babysitting his kids because of his marriage problems - has he offered you any help with yours? Withdraw from them for at least a few weeks and give yourself some breathing space. They don't sound like healthy people to be around.

What help has your husband looked into for his breakdown? If he hasn't already I would be insisting he finds a counsellor. Whatever's going on, you seem to be carrying a bunch of people who are prioritising their own problems but also expecting you to help them with those problems. Who's supporting you? I think even without accusing him of an affair, you can say to your husband that you feel taken for granted and want things to change.