DN told me my DH was going to be her daddy soon

[Anothernamechange22]

My SIL is extremely flirty with all men. She’s tall, stunning looking and gets whatever she wants by flirting. Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage. She flirts with my DH and my DDad all the time and my brother doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention. The women in my family all feel uncomfortable with it but nobody knows quite what to say.

Thing have been rocky between myself and DH since he had a breakdown in September and went on the sick. He assured me we were all good as a couple and that it’s just him trying to cope with being unwell. I offered him a route out if he was unhappy with us as a couple but he said I was wrong about that. I’m wary of the timing of his breakdown after a bout of serious mentionitis about SIL but put it down to my own insecurity. I have tried so hard to be accommodating and keep the household running and protect the kids from the worst of it all while also working full time. I put trying to find reason for his sudden illness out of my head to get on with life.

Anyway we were babysitting my twin DNiece and DNephew this weekend as my brother’s marriage has also been a bit rocky and they wanted adult time together. I was talking to DNiece who is 4 and asking her about nursery etc and she tells me “mummy says Uncle AnotherNC is going to be my daddy soon” - I just laughed it off as just a child talking nonsense but I thought about it more I just don’t know what to make of this.

I’m no catch myself. I’m small, fat and disabled. Youth left me behind a few years ago. I have very low self confidence/esteem and now DN comments keep playing over in my head.

I honestly want to be paranoid about it all but it just keeps coming back to, why would a child say something so specific and weird as that? I want uncle ANC to be my daddy I could understand but mummy says is just odd.

DH just laughed and say oh children say the funniest things. What do I do next?

Unless there are other signs I would forget about it.

^ there are. It isn't just the comment, which is odd enough.

Breakdown could have been related to falling for SIL. I have read on here how so often cheating men get depressed when they think they're in love with someone else but feel they are " trapped" or feel guilty.

Can you distance yourself from SIL and DB?

My stepson at the same age used to say that my ex husband was his dad as well as his actual dad who I'm married to. He used to say my daughter was his real sister and that his actual real siblings were adopted.
He also used to say he was a tiger.

Your SIL sounds like a drag. And I could totally understand how horrible you must feel right now if you are struggling with self esteem and the darkness that is this winter.

Please try and get some rest and look after yourself x

Out of a child that age I would be inclined to believe there was some truth in what she is saying. A child that age with both parents living with them would be unlikely to realise that parents can separate. Even if they had friends in nursery that had parents who were separated, kids that age don’t really notice other families dynamics. The fact she specifically said her mum said it too, I think it is highly likely her mum said it. Even if it was just wishful thinking ramblings from your sil. I agree that your DHs breakdown alongside this statement from your niece is very worrying. I think you should mention it to your sil and see how she reacts.

I am so sorry you are feeling this afraid and lacking in trust in your partner.

Children say all sorts,and I don’t know your child, so I can’t judge on that. I also wouldn’t ask them more, because information might go both ways

More pragmatically, if you are at all in doubt about your relationship, and unless you are 100% financially in control - which sadly comes first - and secondly have emotional stability that is strong enough in relation to your partner to know when and how they might be stepping outside of your agreed terms and what the consequences are if they don’t - do not, EVER, show your cards.

I cannot emphasise the power of being ahead enough.

Whatever the truth is, you may never fully know, but you will have to deal with whatever comes out in the wash eventually.

If you can provide for yourself and your child it will be so much easier, so don’t give him a heads up you feel something is off any further, unless it is beneficial to you.

If you have independent means, or you can live within what the system may provide, you can risk it. If not, weigh it up.

Prepare now, while you have time, for the worst and hope for the best.

I am a never-share-a-bank-account sort of person so I am biased.

I am also of the opinion that if a woman engages in flirting that, if it was done by a man, would be considered creepy, and those you trust with tour well-being don’t recognise that, something is off.

Long story short - sort out the money before you rock the so far, non violent and not emotionally unstable boat.

Sorry for the typos, and the length. Wrote it as a text to a mate and didn’t realise how it would look ‘on paper’!

Your SIL has been bullying all the women in your family for quite some time. I think that you should have whatever will give you enough courage to finally stand up and call her out on it.She may be unhappy in her marriage, she may not. Whatever , she does not get to play fast and loose with other people's relationships. If she flirts with everyone your husband may not be the only one she is leading astray/lining up to be her escape route. Your self esteem seems to be in need of a boost too. No wonder with your DHs mentionitis. Have a strong word with him too, tell him how his actions are making you feel, especially when you are having to endure his being out of work as well.You deserve his consideration and affection,don't wave the white flag just yet .

It sounds like one big dysfunctional mess.

Is your DH planning to return to work soon?

You mentioned your DB is abusive. He's probably abusive to your SIL too.

Are you sure you want to stick around all this?

Honestly? I’d believe the kid. That’s simply too obvious for her to make up. I’d also check his phone.

Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage

Men in your family have no agency? Gosh it must be terrible to be at the mercy of mere eyelashes.

My brother and I don’t have the closest relationship and he’s prone to quite abusive outbursts. I don’t want to go to him armed with the wrong info and damaging our relationship as well as both our marriages

Your brother is abusive but you don't mention worry about the possible impact on your SiL, just maintaining your own relationship?

She has twins eh?

Is this a reverse?

@C8H10N4O2

Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage

Men in your family have no agency? Gosh it must be terrible to be at the mercy of mere eyelashes.

My brother and I don’t have the closest relationship and he’s prone to quite abusive outbursts. I don’t want to go to him armed with the wrong info and damaging our relationship as well as both our marriages

Your brother is abusive but you don't mention worry about the possible impact on your SiL, just maintaining your own relationship?

She has twins eh?

Is this a reverse?

No not a reverse. Yes she has twins.

Honestly I don’t give a shit about my sister in law right now. My brother is her problem. I lived with his shit when I had no choice growing up, now I do have a choice. She has a choice too.

And yes she knows how to flirt with men to get what she wants, she’s not the first women to use that skill won’t be the last. Men do the same all the time. If men are stupid enough to fall for that, that’s their problem, again not mine.

Are you my sil? You sound very bitter

You sound very bitter

haha.
I just believe men are accountable for their own actions and don't get to blame them on women.

Are you the DH?

What do you mean by “flirt”, out of interest, @Anothernamechange22 ?

One perceptions perception of flirting is the another’s, and a women is objectively described as “stunning” may be described a flirtatious when another woman wouldn’t be in the same situation

Wonder if it could’ve been something said in ‘jest’ after an argument or something. A flippant remark in reply to a question from her child about ‘what would happen if you and dad split up?’ Obviously, that’s total speculation but a possible scenario.

This doesn’t really explain the mentionitis but maybe there was some mutual flirting and maybe your SIL does believe she can have any man she wants so believes that it wouldn’t be hard to find a new ‘daddy’. Or it possibly could mean something less dramatic and more innocent like uncle is another male role model. I mean, all speculation but thoughts I’m sure you’d had, OP. Could be anything really, I just hope this all turns out to be nothing for you and your family.

Why do you babysit for an abusive brother and his seductress wife? Stay clear.

Young kids do misinterpret things. For example, if their relationship is rocky, there's every chance they were arguing, him threatening he'd leave or putting her down, saying no one would have her. She retaliates with something like, well anothernamechangeDH seemed to like me the other day, perhaps I'll shack up with him, DC could do with a decent father.
Kids overheard.

There's any number of explanations to be honest for stuff that comes from a 4 year old.

you say your DH had mentionitis. perhaps they had hit it off a bit, he felt flattered etc, but as he has not been out the house since October I'd think that's possibly all it was.

I'd keep an eye on it. Look for any unusual behaviour between them next time you're all together. and just keep an eye on if he's suddenly using is phone/pc more or going out for mystery walks for coffees with mates.

I would mention it to your brother, that way you have another pair of eyes on them just in case. Not to soy them obviously but to make meeting up more complicated if SIL and H are up to something.

Children say a lot of rubbish, but I would keep an eye on it, just because you have been thinking your relationship doesn’t appear as strong as it was.