DN told me my DH was going to be her daddy soon

[Anothernamechange22]

My SIL is extremely flirty with all men. She’s tall, stunning looking and gets whatever she wants by flirting. Men just do as she wants when she flutters her eyelids and she uses this to her advantage. She flirts with my DH and my DDad all the time and my brother doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention. The women in my family all feel uncomfortable with it but nobody knows quite what to say.

Thing have been rocky between myself and DH since he had a breakdown in September and went on the sick. He assured me we were all good as a couple and that it’s just him trying to cope with being unwell. I offered him a route out if he was unhappy with us as a couple but he said I was wrong about that. I’m wary of the timing of his breakdown after a bout of serious mentionitis about SIL but put it down to my own insecurity. I have tried so hard to be accommodating and keep the household running and protect the kids from the worst of it all while also working full time. I put trying to find reason for his sudden illness out of my head to get on with life.

Anyway we were babysitting my twin DNiece and DNephew this weekend as my brother’s marriage has also been a bit rocky and they wanted adult time together. I was talking to DNiece who is 4 and asking her about nursery etc and she tells me “mummy says Uncle AnotherNC is going to be my daddy soon” - I just laughed it off as just a child talking nonsense but I thought about it more I just don’t know what to make of this.

I’m no catch myself. I’m small, fat and disabled. Youth left me behind a few years ago. I have very low self confidence/esteem and now DN comments keep playing over in my head.

I honestly want to be paranoid about it all but it just keeps coming back to, why would a child say something so specific and weird as that? I want uncle ANC to be my daddy I could understand but mummy says is just odd.

DH just laughed and say oh children say the funniest things. What do I do next?

Well, your DH doesn't sound like much of a catch either tbh. It may well be that he fancies her, but given she flirts with everyone, is there anything to suggest that she actually fancies your DH, aside from the word of your DN?

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus sorry!!! I was so confused!! 😂😂

Very hard one. Could be absolutely nothing but could also be something. My best friends husband had a breakdown very suddenly a few years back, it was horrific. It all came out 18 months later that it was in response to having a very short fling and the guilt caused this extreme response.

I can see why you are concerned but also, what if it is nothing? I think for now all you can do is take you’re DH’s word for it and hope nothing comes to light. There is no point going down that path and torturing yourself unless evidence is there- which might never be there because there is none.

I think it's true up I really don't believe a child would make this up.
I agree with others regarding the amount of time you spend with your brother or doing things for him.
Stop all babysitting. Cease all contact. You don't have to say why just that no you can't.
Concentrate on yourself.
Do things to make yourself happy.
See your friends, is there someone in rl you can speak to?
Get your finances in order in case you do split up.
Think seriously, how much are you prepared to take?
Is it worth sticking with your miserable dh?
There are no prizes for stoicism trust me.
Remember the vast majority of men would and do cheat. The majority of sex workers clients are married and that's just the ones who admit it! Do not for one minute assume your dh would not cheat. I know of people who have had affairs with their sil/bil. I know of someone who's dh had an affair with their relative and took the relatives child in holiday with them. That is how it came to light, the child told their father.
Take care op.

I would believe the child.

The sister in law is already preparing her children for the change in circumstances.

Don't tell your sister in law what the niece said. She will punish her. It isn't the child's fault.

Mmm my 4 year old does often talk crap but there's normally a reason for what she's saying like she wouldn't just make random stuff up or lie. 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

I had a very good friend years ago. Our marriages fell apart around the same time. She had a 16 year old babysitter. The babysitter, friend's 2 small children and friend's husband went the local park one Sunday morning 'so mummy could have a break '. When they came back home the children were giggling and said " Daddy and babysitter are getting married". Turns out babysitter was already pregnant with the husband's baby. He left friend. Had 3 children with babysitter . She was 16 he was 33. Keep vigilant Op.

@lonelySam

I have a DC same age as your DN, they talk shit all the time. It's highly unlikely SIL would say something like that but you know the situation (and your DH) best.

what is DC?

Please don't day you are no catch yourself. You are YOU and you have every right to think you are the dogs bollocks! I used to think like that but I don't rely on my looks - just my ability to engage with people and communicate. Looks fade but a good conversation is like gold dust

It all came out 18 months later that it was in response to having a very short fling and the guilt caused this extreme response.

yup its not uncommon.
was the depression very sudden op? what did you attribute it to?

That sounds tough. I would be worried too.

Is there any way you could have a chat with your brother and sound out how things are going at that end? Don't mention what you suspect. Just listen and see if he says anything that could confirm your suspicions. Same with the kids.

I would be paying very close attention to everyone now. I would also be getting very practical and working out what to do should it be worst case scenario.

Too many coincidences here for my liking:

SIL being a flirt +
H enjoying the attention

Your H having MH issues +
SIL having had MH issues in the past

Your Marriage on the rocks +
SIL/DB marriage on the rocks

SIL known for going after married men in past +
Comment from Neice

I don’t know about this one, kids can be quite fact orientated, my little girl was notorious for repeating things I said or other family members said as were my DNS. My daughter has her friends over ( they are six) they repeat things back to me what their mothers have said. I’d keep an open mind OP.

@AngelinaFibres

I had a very good friend years ago. Our marriages fell apart around the same time. She had a 16 year old babysitter. The babysitter, friend's 2 small children and friend's husband went the local park one Sunday morning 'so mummy could have a break '. When they came back home the children were giggling and said " Daddy and babysitter are getting married". Turns out babysitter was already pregnant with the husband's baby. He left friend. Had 3 children with babysitter . She was 16 he was 33. Keep vigilant Op.

Another thought. I was a teacher. I worked with a woman who was having an affair with the dad of a child in her class. She had a daughter the same age. The children were friends and the child came to tea at the teachers house. She told the child that she and her daddy would be living together soon and what fun it would be. Child went home and told her mother. Lots of shit hit lots of fans.

I DON'T think it is an affair. If the SIL is attractive and flirty mentionitis can happen, OPs DH may have just felt flattered. Children do say odd things.

Ask yourself would your SIL consider your husband to be a good catch?

Also could your brother be abusing your SIL in some way and has confided in your husband

It IS an odd thing to say but surely an affair (with anyone, especially someone known to her children) would be something that your sister in law would want to keep very quiet? And if she did say something along these lines to or within earshot of her child, why?

I think that in this situation, I would mention the comment to my SIL at a time when we were completely alone. Maybe over a quiet coffee on neutral ground. I would gauge her response (and make it obvious that I was doing so).

This sounds very difficult. I agree with Allycott

"Please don't say you are no catch yourself. You are YOU and you have every right to think you are the dogs bollocks!"

I don't know what is going on but I do think you should be working on your own self esteem. Whatever it is that you need to make yourself feel good.

If you and your husband are going to move forward then you being confident would really help.

You aren’t very kind about yourself - but what about your DH? Is he the most handsome man on the planet? Someone your stunning SIL would want? He doesn’t sound like much of a catch right now given his MH struggles. Basically, do you really think your ‘stunning’ SIL would be attracted to him?

I wouldn’t bring it up again to anyone but I would manoeuvre yourself into a position of strength regarding finances and getting copies of payslips, bank, savings, pension and investment statements and account numbers and I would watch and wait.

I think that unfortunately the timing and the coincidences are too much and whilst I hope there isn’t anything but a series of unfortunate incidents I think sometimes you have to be prepared for the worse and be ready if the inevitable happens.

However knowing what your SIL is like I wonder if your Dh was having an affair, does he really think he is going to be a long term prospect or just another stepping stone

@Silvershroud

I DON'T think it is an affair. If the SIL is attractive and flirty mentionitis can happen, OPs DH may have just felt flattered. Children do say odd things.

A four year old would not say that without some sort of input from observing what is happening around them or by being told.

Hmm there is not enough info about DH’s movements when this suspected affair, emotional or otherwise, could have happened to give an opinion. Can you think back to last summer and remember anything that fits? What were DH’s daily movements until he went off work sick? Was he working outside the home? Did he go the gym after work etc? Is SIL at home or work? Do they live close enough that he could have popped to hers at lunchtime? Could DH be contacting the SIL when you’re out now and planning their new life? App he deletes from phone when you’re around etc?

The MH crisis could well be due to someone else finding out something was going on or the SIL threatening to tell you to make him leave you. If your brother can be abusive maybe that has scared him off too? Or it could be that your DN likes your DH more than her Dad, again especially if her Dad can be abusive.

You said you hardly see them though so if DN is not close to DH. it is a very odd thing to say. They usually get these ideas from somewhere.

What led up to the MH crisis? Was he particularly stressed before? Any bereavements or financial stresses?

I wouldn’t talk to anybody about this apart from a trusted friend and just do some digging and observation for a few weeks. DH has said nothing has gone on so he’s either lying or telling the truth but I’d rather find out myself in your situation.

If he’s been off work since September, what steps is he taking to get back before your household income is affected when his sick pay ends?

Can you mention it to her in passing and see how she reacts? If she actually wanted to be with your DH enough to be mentioning it to her children wouldn't she jump at the chance to force his hand?

It was weirdly specific of the neice. 4 year old kids make believe isn't usually so... Exact.