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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She's lied on the divorce papers

89 replies

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 19:05

I have been issued divorce papers this week from my ex wife but the information is not correct. She committed adultery on me in many occasions but has cited 2 year separation which is also not true. The dates she put on do not add up. We briefly split and I went back for 3 months, then she kicked me out again and moved her few bloke in a week later! A few months after that she ended up in mental health care and I moved back to the family home to care for our children and stayed for 8 months. Since the last time I left it's been 14 months.

I queried with her the information and she went mad threatening if I didn't sign then the bailiffs would come and she'd take me for my savings and pension. I don't have any savings.

Also states nothing about a clean break so she could come for things after divorce so I have now got to sort that out to ensure she doesn't come after anything in the future.

Her attitude is awful. I didn't know the divorce papers were coming until she told me this week and it seems she applied for it a few months ago.

Am I right to not sign that this information is correct and that it should be adultery on her part. I don't feel happy signing something legal that isn't true.

Will start the ball rolling Monday with solicitors.

Sorry just ranting!

OP posts:

Asiama · 14/01/2022 19:18

I'm sorry you are going through this. The reasons on the divorce papers make absolutely no difference to what you are and aren't entitled to in the divorce. Once your divorce is finalised, the paperwork does not state the reason for divorce. If you are in agreement that you want to get divorced then I would probably just leave it as it is.

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 14/01/2022 19:19

no, you don't need to sign it, wait and speak to your solicitor, maybe you could file for divorce instead on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, if she calls you then ignore the call, keep any texts, do not call her.

Whatabambam · 14/01/2022 19:22

Agree with the above post, the grounds for divorce are not correct but it doesn't matter. If you want to divorce then I would just let it go. If you have assets then see a solicitor as you will need to decide how things are divided. A divorce is different from the financial remedy.

FelicityPike · 14/01/2022 19:22

In the end, does it matter about the adultery being missed off the paperwork?
Don’t sign anything without your solicitor.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 14/01/2022 19:33

See it as a means to an end. If her Adultery was such an issue then maybe you should have issued first? Presumably she was stuck - she couldn’t find any unreasonable behaviour on your part, you hadn’t committed adultery and didn’t want to wait five years?

It’s easy for you to apply to the Court during the divorce to get a clean break.

Original poster

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 19:47

I'm not as worried about the reason as I am about the dates and her just blatantly lying about things.

The only asset I have is my pension. I wouldn't be happy about agreeing to the divorce until she's had issued until the clean break agreement has been signed.

She wants it done quick as she's getting remarried again later in the year.

OP posts:

BurntToastAgain · 14/01/2022 19:53

The financial settlement is a separate part of the process to the initial application. See a solicitor about a consent order.

Just let the ‘lying’ go. It really isn’t the important bit.

Unsure33 · 14/01/2022 19:55

In principle I would never sign a legal document that contains lies.

It won’t change her entitlement so personally I would ask for it t be corrected.

Original poster

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 19:58

So being separate does that mean that would come after if I were to sign the papers?

Or can you still be divorced without the financial side coming into it?

Or can I do the financial side first?

It's the principle for me too. If she's called me a few months ago and said this is what I'm doing I'd have told her then it's not true so I wouldn't sign it.

She's being vicious to me saying I'm holding up her wedding.

OP posts:

AlDanvers · 14/01/2022 20:01

You living there for 8 months to look after the kids can be included in the 2 years.

You left for the final time 14 months ago.

You were there 8 months, in your own words, to look after the children. That's 22 months.

If you weren't with her in the 2 months before her stay in the mental health facility, then it's been 2 years.

If you want to divorce for adultery, then you need to file. She has filed based on 2 years, which depending on wether you were together for the 8 months, it is.

She has no obligation to put her adultery down. It makes no difference to the outcome and often just complicates the process.

NowEvenBetter · 14/01/2022 20:04

What has your solicitor told you?

BurntToastAgain · 14/01/2022 20:05

I think you need to stop panicking and see a solicitor.

The process works as

Someone applies for a divorce
The other one responds (or not)
A decree nisi is granted
A decree absolut can be applied for 6 weeks and 1 day later.

Alongside that basic process, you can arrange a consent order to deal with the financial settlement. This can be on a clean break basis. Your solicitor will advise you about this and can draft it. It needs to be approved by the court and it comes into force when the decree absolut is granted.

You do need to consult a solicitor who will talk you through the process and advise on your specific circumstances.

BurntToastAgain · 14/01/2022 20:07

She’s an idiot to plan a wedding before she’s divorced. It takes time and there are big delays.

That’s not your problem.

All that matters is that you do want to divorce. The principle really isn’t important.

NowEvenBetter · 14/01/2022 20:07

Ah, just saw the bit where you said you haven’t seen a solicitor yet. This is probably their busiest time of year.

Will you be parenting your kids 50/50?

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/01/2022 20:10

If she wants to remarry she’s in a weak position & you hold all the cards.

If she is definitely remarrying.

Original poster

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 20:15

She's definitely remarrying she's told me herself and so have the children. It's all booked.

Sorry if I'm being thick so will they not issue the decree until the financial part has been sorted also?

If I do 'what she wants' how do I know she'll then go for a clean break? She's said herself she doesn't want nothing from me then throws threats around when I don't do what she wants immediately.

Yes we have the children 50/50. We never owned our own home. She is in council and I'm now in private rented if that makes any difference. She's never worked and I always have.

OP posts:

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 14/01/2022 21:02

My stbxh lied on the paperwork too. My solicitor recommended i just let it go and sign..that contesting it in any real sense would take more time and money than I had. I know he lied, so do the people I care about. I no longer care what anyone else thinks. I just dont want to be his wife any more.

Try and rise above it, though I know it really hurts to read things about yourself that arent true.

Suzanne999 · 14/01/2022 21:09

If she wants the divorce finalised in the next few months then you have the upper hand. Speak to your solicitor and don’t hand anything to her until solicitor approved.
If it were me I’d say I’ve signed them, you can have them WHEN I receive in writing a solicitor-written, signed, witnessed document saying you’ll never come to me for another penny. Protect what assets you have.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2022 21:27

It adds up to more than 2 years separation? I’m not sure why it’s a problem that she didn’t tell you when she applied for the divorce? You’ve been separated for ages. The relationship is over, why be tied to her? It has implications with her being your NOK so in your interests to get divorced too. From April she can go for the ‘no fault’ option so you can’t delay by much

BurntToastAgain · 14/01/2022 21:27

@LostDad1

She's definitely remarrying she's told me herself and so have the children. It's all booked.

Sorry if I'm being thick so will they not issue the decree until the financial part has been sorted also?

If I do 'what she wants' how do I know she'll then go for a clean break? She's said herself she doesn't want nothing from me then throws threats around when I don't do what she wants immediately.

Yes we have the children 50/50. We never owned our own home. She is in council and I'm now in private rented if that makes any difference. She's never worked and I always have.

She’s an idiot. The divorce almost certainly won’t be finalised in time. She needs to factor in the time to give notice after the divorce is final too.

But that’s not your problem.

She’s not in charge of the divorce just because she applied for it. You can insist on a consent order to deal with the finances.

See here for information about consent orders. www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-a-financial-consent-order/

PicaK · 14/01/2022 21:39

There are 3 different elements
The divorce
The financial settlement
Child custody
You can be divorced without sorting the other 2 but it's really not advised.

With adultery you have 6 months from when you first know about it to use it as a reason for divorce. After that you're considered to have accepted and forgiven it.
You can choose to not agree. But this is going to cost you money in solicitors fees and annoy her.
Leaving aside your emotional anger what do you want here?
Also if she remarried she's in a much weaker bargaining position when it comes to sorting the finances out.
You need to do some reading on the subject, and find a decent solicitor who will give you no nonsense advice about what a fair settlement would look like and suggest that.

JetBlackSteed · 14/01/2022 21:59

Your solicitor should tell you to sort the finances out before you divorce, that's the clean and final break you need.
Don't worry about the paperwork, the lies won't matter in the scheme of things.
You are holding all the cards here, if she wants to remarry, she'll have to agree to your terms to get it done in time. Or .... you could take your time and delay ... and oops, she'll have to postpone her wedding.

Original poster

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 22:05

Thank you for your continued comments.

Yes emotionally I am hurt because this is her all over. She's a nightmare to try and have an amicable conversation with. She can't talk without shouting at me and being nasty.

If she could communicate with me things could be much smoother. The reason I hadn't bothered too much with the divorce because I've been spending most of the time caring for all of the children because her mental health hasn't been in a position to. Neither of us can cope full time with all children together so it's clear cut 50/50. It's only recently gone back to her 50/50 in the last month and me not having them so much. Even if a court order said she has to have them 50/50 if her mental health doesn't allow then I'd have to manage some how. It's been such a stressful time over the last 2 years and so much upheaval for the children. I've tried my best for them all.

There are no assets to be split apart from my pension and she's already said she doesn't want anything from me ever again. The threats have upset me because I always try my best and she treats me like this.

OP posts:

AlwaysinaFlap · 14/01/2022 22:05

@LostDad1

I queried with her the information and she went mad threatening if I didn't sign then the bailiffs would come and she'd take me for my savings and pension. I don't have any savings.

Also states nothing about a clean break so she could come for things after divorce so I have now got to sort that out to ensure she doesn't come after anything in the future.

Her attitude is awful. I didn't know the divorce papers were coming until she told me this week and it seems she applied for it a few months ago.

Am I right to not sign that this information is correct and that it should be adultery on her part. I don't feel happy signing something legal that isn't true.

Will start the ball rolling Monday with solicitors.

Sorry just ranting!

The adultery has to be within the past 6 months and you would have to have filed. It makes no difference to the outcome.

AlwaysinaFlap · 14/01/2022 22:06

To clarify does she want some of your pension?

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