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Original poster

She's lied on the divorce papers

89 replies

LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 19:05

I have been issued divorce papers this week from my ex wife but the information is not correct. She committed adultery on me in many occasions but has cited 2 year separation which is also not true. The dates she put on do not add up. We briefly split and I went back for 3 months, then she kicked me out again and moved her few bloke in a week later! A few months after that she ended up in mental health care and I moved back to the family home to care for our children and stayed for 8 months. Since the last time I left it's been 14 months.

I queried with her the information and she went mad threatening if I didn't sign then the bailiffs would come and she'd take me for my savings and pension. I don't have any savings.

Also states nothing about a clean break so she could come for things after divorce so I have now got to sort that out to ensure she doesn't come after anything in the future.

Her attitude is awful. I didn't know the divorce papers were coming until she told me this week and it seems she applied for it a few months ago.

Am I right to not sign that this information is correct and that it should be adultery on her part. I don't feel happy signing something legal that isn't true.

Will start the ball rolling Monday with solicitors.

Sorry just ranting!

OP posts:
iheartredsquirrels · 14/01/2022 22:17

Op rant away, it definantly helps, we are here to listen and support, and give a kick up the srse if it's required Smile

Original poster
LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 22:33

The papers say I have to reply to the courts within 8 days so I'm not sure how I am meant to get the clean break done in that time frame 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 22:33

@iheartredsquirrels

Op rant away, it definantly helps, we are here to listen and support, and give a kick up the srse if it's required Smile
Thank you!
OP posts:
Original poster
LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 22:34

@AlwaysinaFlap

To clarify does she want some of your pension?
She's saying she doesn't want anything but threatening to if I don't sign them straight away.
OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2022 22:39

You just need to reply to say yes or no. That will kick the process off, you then see your solicitor regarding a financial agreement. As people have said it’s a slow process!

Fuuuuuckit · 14/01/2022 22:52

A few things op -

My ex lied on the divorce papers. I could have counter-petitioned but it would have been very costly and I wanted to be divorced. I was advised to write something along the lines of 'I disagree with these reasons but I agree that the marriage it irretrievably broken and I wish to be divorced'. The reasons for divorce are NOT public record. You know the truth about why your marriage is ending.

If your stbx is getting remarried this year and doesn't press for finances to be resolved beforehand SHE cannot make any claim on your assets after remarriage. (I believe she can still contest any resolution you offer, but she can't come for you first. Get in writing any informal agreement that you have, include all assets, savings, equity in the house etc.

Re your dc - I think the wording has changed since I was in your shoes, but you need to apply for (what was once called) a child arrangement order, which sets out where the children live, and a contact plan. This will be useful when working out child maintenance and/or benefits calculations.

No doubt your head is spinning at the moment op. Post on the wikivorce website and forum for specific advice before forking out £££ at the solicitors. Good luck.

lashy · 14/01/2022 22:54

The 'respond within 8 days' bit refers to you (the respondent) giving consent to the divorce application from your wife (the applicant), or contesting it.

Contesting it may cost you time and money - but if you want or need to contest it, you should certainly discuss with a solicitor quickly, before your 8 days expires.

There will be an option within your response to 'ask the judge to wait until he/she is happy with your financial arrangements before proceeding' - It would be a good idea to tick the box that says 'yes'. That way, the judge won't let the divorce get to the final stage without a consent order in place (if you can both agree on the terms) or a financial order in place (if you cannot agree on the terms - the judge will decide the terms for you).

In the grand scheme of things, contesting it over a separation date which is stretching the truth somewhat, may not be worth the stress.

Until the 'no fault' option for divorce comes into play, in June 2022, ' being separated for 2yrs' is the least messy / quickest way to go about getting divorced - particularly if you're both happy to start the divorce process.

Once a divorce application has been consented to; the applicant can then apply for Decree Nisi (the first official/ legal part of the divorce).

Ideally you [both] need to agree a Consent Order before Decree Absolute is granted (the final legal part of the divorce).

Be aware that once Decree Nisi has been granted, the applicant can apply for Decree Absolute 6wks + 1day later - at the earliest, and really, within 12 months of Decree Nisi having been granted (otherwise the judge will want an explanation about the delay).

Read as much as you can and speak with a solicitor.

toobusytothink · 14/01/2022 22:57

Don’t worry about the clean break. This first step is for the nisi. You can’t get a financial order until this has been granted. Once the nisi has been granted you can do a consent order for a clean break and then the absolute will be applied for. You can get a clean break order at any point but advise is before the absolute granted (but after nisi)

Northernsoullover · 14/01/2022 23:02

My friends ex wanted nominal maintenance. The judge told her to get to fuck. She could ask for it, it's really really unlikely. Judges prefer a clean break

Original poster
LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 23:08

@lashy

The 'respond within 8 days' bit refers to you (the respondent) giving consent to the divorce application from your wife (the applicant), or contesting it.

Contesting it may cost you time and money - but if you want or need to contest it, you should certainly discuss with a solicitor quickly, before your 8 days expires.

There will be an option within your response to 'ask the judge to wait until he/she is happy with your financial arrangements before proceeding' - It would be a good idea to tick the box that says 'yes'. That way, the judge won't let the divorce get to the final stage without a consent order in place (if you can both agree on the terms) or a financial order in place (if you cannot agree on the terms - the judge will decide the terms for you).

In the grand scheme of things, contesting it over a separation date which is stretching the truth somewhat, may not be worth the stress.

Until the 'no fault' option for divorce comes into play, in June 2022, ' being separated for 2yrs' is the least messy / quickest way to go about getting divorced - particularly if you're both happy to start the divorce process.

Once a divorce application has been consented to; the applicant can then apply for Decree Nisi (the first official/ legal part of the divorce).

Ideally you [both] need to agree a Consent Order before Decree Absolute is granted (the final legal part of the divorce).

Be aware that once Decree Nisi has been granted, the applicant can apply for Decree Absolute 6wks + 1day later - at the earliest, and really, within 12 months of Decree Nisi having been granted (otherwise the judge will want an explanation about the delay).

Read as much as you can and speak with a solicitor.

Thank you this is great information. Exactly what I was hoping to hear. So I can start to calm down that she can't get it completely finalised until we've got the financial/clean break in place.

If that's the case I'll get it signed and sent back immediately!

OP posts:
MimosaFields · 14/01/2022 23:15

Your solicitor will advise you about the financial agreement. This is done before the nisi, or at least it was so in my case. We were both in agreement and still it took about 9 months.

We also used the 2 year separation reason. It makes zero difference

Fuuuuuckit · 14/01/2022 23:16

OP, yes the divorce CAN be finalised before any finances are sorted, though this is generally not recommended.

LondonQueen · 14/01/2022 23:17

If you want to get divorced, I'd honestly just sign the papers, the grounds for divorce really don't make a difference in the grand scheme of things (or at all)

Original poster
LostDad1 · 14/01/2022 23:37

@Fuuuuuckit

OP, yes the divorce CAN be finalised before any finances are sorted, though this is generally not recommended.
So if I put on the form what was suggested by PP about the finances are they likely to wait for that to be signed before they do they absolute? I'm so worried about getting taken for a ride.
OP posts:
AlwaysinaFlap · 15/01/2022 00:30

@LostDad1

The papers say I have to reply to the courts within 8 days so I'm not sure how I am meant to get the clean break done in that time frame 😞
To clarify this is for the decree nisi to proceed? You are not expected to get the clean break done in that time. It will come afterwards. You can't accept her word that she won't claim your pension.You need to speak to a solicitor.
Thoosa · 15/01/2022 00:39

In April the divorce laws will completely change anyway. Then she will be able to go ahead unilaterally regardless.

Just respond now. In the great scheme of things, a disputed timeframe for two years’ separation is very minor. It only sounds a couple of months out anyway, and it isn’t as if she has falsely accused you of a whole list of wrongdoing.

Put your efforts into getting a financial agreement or order.

VforVendettta · 15/01/2022 03:01

My DH's exW put his adultery on their divorce papers naming his affair partner and no mention whatsoever of the 3 affairs she had, one of which was ongoing at the time he left for the OW. He signed them and put his copy in an old case 30 odd years ago and they haven't been looked at since.

Neither of them were innocent but only he is officially guilty and that is what his DC remember.

I would definitely make sure the right information is on there if I were you.

RantyAunty · 15/01/2022 03:58

You really need to speak with a solicitor about this.
Should have done it ages ago.

Nat6999 · 15/01/2022 04:17

If you file for divorce against her it will just mean that the whole process will take longer & cost more in solicitors & court fees. The reason for the divorce does not come in to the financial settlement.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 04:51

@VforVendettta

My DH's exW put his adultery on their divorce papers naming his affair partner and no mention whatsoever of the 3 affairs she had, one of which was ongoing at the time he left for the OW. He signed them and put his copy in an old case 30 odd years ago and they haven't been looked at since.

Neither of them were innocent but only he is officially guilty and that is what his DC remember.

I would definitely make sure the right information is on there if I were you.

There was nothing incorrect. You can't file based on your own adultery. So she wanted to file so filed on his.

I think you mean 'make sure all details of all details of the relationship breakdown are on there. That's an expensive option.

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 15/01/2022 05:15

@LostDad1

Thank you for your continued comments.

Yes emotionally I am hurt because this is her all over. She's a nightmare to try and have an amicable conversation with. She can't talk without shouting at me and being nasty.

If she could communicate with me things could be much smoother. The reason I hadn't bothered too much with the divorce because I've been spending most of the time caring for all of the children because her mental health hasn't been in a position to. Neither of us can cope full time with all children together so it's clear cut 50/50. It's only recently gone back to her 50/50 in the last month and me not having them so much. Even if a court order said she has to have them 50/50 if her mental health doesn't allow then I'd have to manage some how. It's been such a stressful time over the last 2 years and so much upheaval for the children. I've tried my best for them all.

There are no assets to be split apart from my pension and she's already said she doesn't want anything from me ever again. The threats have upset me because I always try my best and she treats me like this.

@LostDad1

Use your solicitor and get this sorted properly.

Just because she has issued papers it does not give her the right to lie and dictate terms to suit her own agenda.

If you sign those 'as is' you could be tripping yourself up further down he line as regards to dates and financial aspect and anything else that rears is head that you didn't see coming. (you already said you weren't made aware of her divorce papers until this week which she has clearly been plotting for months).

Do not let the cow bully you.

Only speak through your solicitor.

She is playing you.........

HappyToSmile · 15/01/2022 07:02

Firstly, get a solicitor meeting lined up
You can disagree with the reasons she has filed but as others have said, it is really not worth contesting it. The paperwork she has sent sounds just like the decree nisi paperwork. This is Not the same as the financial consent order or anything tondonwith a clean break. She is very silly to have booked a wedding....I got my nisi a year ago and we are still a way off the financial stuff or absolut.
Try and stop panicking!!

StarCourt · 15/01/2022 07:12

My ex husband also filed for divorce citing my adultery ( I hadn't committed adultery ) but he did that in response to me saying I wanted a divorce and decided he wanted to get in first. I decided to let it go as I wanted to divorce, until his solicitor said all divorce costs for both of us would be borne by me as the adulterous party! Obviously I refused and it became a long drawn out, vicious, bitter fight which took much longer than it should. It was also indicative of the way he would and does still behave 9 years on. I wouldn't agree to a divorce citing your adultery if it's not true

BurntToastAgain · 15/01/2022 07:27

The grounds for divorce make no difference to the financial settlement.

It really doesn’t matter what the application says.

AlDanvers · 15/01/2022 07:35

I wouldn't agree to a divorce citing your adultery if it's not true

She isn't. She is citing 2 years separation.