DH looking at women on Instagram

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Hey - I’m feeling very shitty and would appreciate some kindness and opinions please. Sorry for the long post.

I’m pregnant with baby number 3. Usually I am very slim but in pregnancy I seem to gain a lot of weight no matter what I do. I work hard to lose it in between. This baby was a bit of a surprise so the weight and changes to my body feel sprung upon me somewhat. I am delighted as we had planned a third, it’s just sooner than expected. Condom failure (in case anybody asks).

Anyway, DH has form for having lied during first pregnancy and flirted/gone out for drinks with a female colleague a few times. We recovered but I’m still quite sensitive/vulnerable during pregnancy. I used his Instagram 2 nights ago as my phone was on charge and wanted to search for a friend of mine (this is no big deal; we often use one another’s phone if closer). His search bar list was basically full of bikini clad, half naked women. I asked him about it later (by which point the search bar had been deleted) and after initially pretending he didn’t know what I meant, he said sometimes he sees these women on his meme pages and absentmindedly clicks on them. Nothing more to it. Just likes to look at them.

The trouble is it has really really made me feel like shit. That he wants to look at these women. We never have sex now as he’s “very tired” or one or both of us have had colds blah blah I’m feeling very, very unattractive, especially now. I don’t want to be naked in front of him now as I feel like he’s searching for something else, wants to see all these nice, fit bodies.

I’m just a bit sad really. I know it’s pathetic and I’m sure I’m being an insecure loser but it’s really got me down.

@SpidersAreShitheads

OP - You've had a name change fail there - you might want to report your posts to MN to get them removed if you don't want them linked to previous stuff.

Re the Insta pictures, I honestly think it's a bit controlling to say that a partner isn't allowed to look at photos of attractive men/women when they're in private. I mean that gently. The primary issue with porn is that it supports the sex industry, sex trafficking and poor treatment of women, rather than it simply being a jealousy thing. I would hate to find my DP looking at lots of attractive women online so I'm not some "cool partner" at all. I'd feel very sad and also question myself in the same way you are doing. But I still think that trying to say whether someone can or can't look at photos of attractive people on a public forum is controlling. Image a man telling a woman she wasn't allowed to look at photos of a male model on Instagram - you'd have people on here telling you to LTB! You don't have to be thrilled about it - and I do think that how often he looks at the pictures is relevant. If he's constantly ogling and searching photos of women, then it's not just a casual interest and again, that crosses a line. Occasional checking out of women, meh, not a big deal.

As I say, I'd feel upset too if I saw it all but I think that's more about how we feel and our own insecurities than anything else. But as you say, you do have bigger issues to think about.

I am glad that you realise what a number he's done on you. The more you write about him, the worse he sounds. And I think you're right - the stuff with Insta might have only been a bit of an eye roll and a huff for you if it weren't for everything else that has gone on in the past - and is still going on. Sometimes it's just not possible to truly ever get past something that's happened - and I think that's the case with his dating this other woman. He doesn't sound as if he's ever been truly contrite, and has just fobbed you off despite the counselling.

Take some time to decide what's right for you. The only thing I'd say is that he seems fairly happy with a platonic relationship at the moment because he's not interested in sex? Allowing your marriage to continue as platonic parents only might give him exactly what he wants - someone to do all the wife stuff while freeing him from any responsibility to be a decent partner. Also, him being unkind about you to the children - that will just escalate especially if your relationship has broken down further. That is totally unacceptable and I'm glad it's spurred you into taking some action. You really do deserve better.

Hope all of this doesn't sound too harsh. With little ones and another on the way, it's a tough situation to be in. I hope you find some happiness.

What on earth. In no way is it controlling for a wife to expect her husband who willingly vowed to be sexually exclusive to her, to not to search for and lust over the bodies of other women online. No respectful or decent man does this.

Don't listen to that part @Notfeelinggreataboutmyself, you're not being controlling at all. Sad to see what some women think this is acceptable. The irony of it all is that a lot of these women who like to defend these men who love treating women as objects, is that the very same men would HATE their female partners doing the very same thing theyre doing.

OP sexual counselling for him could help (he has to want to stop his behaviour of course) to deal with his lack of sexual and emotional boundaries. He also needs to stop looking at pornography and seeking out sexual imagery. It's all a form a cheating. He's meant to be a monogamous and committed family man, that's what he pledged to be on his wedding day and many men manage it.

I also want to validate what you feel as any normal woman in your position would be feeling insecure and disappointed in her husband but things can definitely change for the better if he works on himself and his behaviour.

I really really really appreciate all the kind comments and advice at this time where I feel very sad and alone.

I have told him that we either get couples counselling , which he needs to organise immediately, or we are separating. I realise it may sound drastic but I have also had this very sad thought (and I have explained this to him) that I don’t even want him at the birth of this baby. Why would I? How could I have someone who makes me feel so unwanted and my body so unattractive and looks for other women to satisfy whatever they satisfy and not me, be around me at my very most intimate and vulnerable?! I can’t bear the thought of it.

He has never had an issue having sex with me in pregnancy, even in my first when I was HUGE at the end. But now I wonder who he was thinking of to get him through it.

I hate to say this but you are right to feel the way you do.

If I were you I'd keep a very close eye on him. Dodgy behaviour with colleagues and this sort of social media activity are huge red flags and I wouldn't be surprised if he is up to more that you dont know about.

I'm sorry, I know you dont want to hear that but I have seen this story played out a 1000 times.

How does he react to you when you say about counselling/ splitting up etc? Is he defensive, apologetic, moody? I always think their reaction when an issue is raised says a lot about them and how they view the relationship.

@Sonaftersonafterson

I don’t disagree at all but I have now COMBED through everything and there is no evidence of anything, anywhere.

@desperatehousewife21

He’s very much “this is my fault I’m sorry of course I will do thst”. But he says that every time. Part of me wonders if he doesn’t get off on the drama of it all. We are on holiday and he has spent the week with a young, female ski guide and I have had moments of madness where I’ve imagined them not on the slopes but in fact in a hotel and all this sort of stuff and my own jealousy is making me feel unwell.

Flirting and drinks is terrible. If he did this on the past, he will always be motivated to do it again, it’s what he’s like. And no physical affection for you is also not good at all. You deserve better.

Where are you while he’s with the ski guide?

I sometimes wish I could turn off the overthinking part of my brain so I know what it’s like for your imagination to run away with you.

@desperatehousewife21

I’m either with the children or I have been swimming/having spa time. Agree about time to think not helping!

I also now have a mad obsession about the ski guide as she also works part time at the hotel snd about 3 of the girls here look the same (the masks don’t help) and I have a very bad spidey sense about how much DH is avoiding talking to the one I think is her/seems very weird. He keeps saying it’s not her though. I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit tbh and I can’t trust my instinct now as this could just be full blown jealousy without any sort of reason or logic

Been violently sick this morning and DH hasn’t even asked if I’m ok/not even a “poor you” despite him having to retrieve toddler from bathroom whilst I was vomiting. What a man.

I hear you, OP. I had a similar experience with my exH. 3 kids with him. I had snippets of evidence of cheating, nothing quite enough to finish the marriage and break up the family.

I found out in the end he'd been seeing prostitutes and had been shagging a few colleagues and others during our entire marriage. I found out the start of it with a credit card statement and the whole thing unravelled and he admitted everything. I convinced him to confess on the basis that I was prepared to forgive and start again (I wasn't- I just wanted to know the truth).

Your story really reminds me of that time and I'm so desperately sorry for you. You do not deserve this.

Right now, you're perhaps in no real position to end things being half way through your pregnancy with 2 others to look after. You sound v financially secure which is a great thing. How much family support do you have? You speak about your parents' break up. Is it feasible for you to have your mum's support to help you if, on return from your holiday, you ask him to leave for a bit while you consider your position? You can do it on your own, obviously but having someone to talk this through in real life is invaluable.

I know I only have my experience to draw on and I don't want to wish gloom on you or upset you at all but I'd put a lot of money on him having done a lot more than going for drinks etc. Your gut tells you a lot. I don't think it's paranoia or insecurity. I think you'll know him deep down and will not be letting your thoughts carry you away. You probably know within yourself what he's capable of.

Sending a huge hug to you. I've been there and know how desperate you will feel right now. Like I said - you don't deserve this. X

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

Been violently sick this morning and DH hasn’t even asked if I’m ok/not even a “poor you” despite him having to retrieve toddler from bathroom whilst I was vomiting. What a man.

He's being less kind to you than most people would be to a stranger being sick. He doesn't sound like a nice person. Sorry you've been throwing up, it's so exhausting and miserable isn't it. Hope it eases up ASAP

@rushingallday

Thank you for sharing, and for your support xx I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself how have things been over the last couple of days? Are you still on hol?

@desperatehousewife21

Thank you for asking. We are home. One of the only things DH has going for him is he is WFH currently which means he is actually around and helping with the children. Usually he works long hours and if he weren’t around at all I would not feel that there were any redeeming qualities at this time.

I spoke with my mother at length today and was able to verbalise that I feel quite steely against this all. I basically just want to find a polite and non dramatic way to live in harmony for the children. I in no way think about it are going to be resolving romantic issues any time soon, if ever. I asked him today how he can expect me to ever move forward if he constantly insults me with the lies. Eg saying he didn’t search for the women just clicked the link, when it was there in the search bar. All I ever get is “I don’t remember having done it”. It’s hedging his bets so he can’t get caught out having denied it fully if I get proof, but doesn’t have to admit to it until then. He denies that this is the case and says he won’t admit to things he hasn’t done or doesn’t remember “under duress”. It’s a bit like him saying he isn’t wanking over the images, which I find very difficult to believe. He says he will sort out a couples counsellor by the end of the week.

Eg wirh the vomiting he is adamant he asked me if I was ok during the vomiting. He did not. But he rewrites history and it’s damn convincing.

I have my 20 week scan on Thursday snd I just don’t want him there. It’s not even a punishment thing; I just don’t want someone there; viewing my stretch marks and my baby and everything else, when they don’t respect me/my body. Is that petty? I don’t want to be petty; but I don’t feel comfortable getting changed in the same room as him.

I found out I have already gained 7kg today. Only halfway through pregnancy and the baby only weights 300g. I feel very sad and usually I would discuss that with him for reassurance but now I don’t want to open up my vulnerability and weakness to him and share something like this: I feel like he has made it clear what he is looking for in a woman and I will only disgust him further/make myself sadder.

Eg with the vomiting he is adamant he asked me if I was ok during the vomiting. He did not. But he rewrites history and it’s damn convincing.

That's because he's emotionally abusive OP. What a horrible man he is, I'm so sorry

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself
no you’re not petty it’s natural to have a lot of emotions when someone gaslights and is emotionally abusive
Just wanted you to know people are thinking of you and that you are strong , beautiful mum who deserves so much more
As for what he is looking for in a woman ‘ he has warped ideas and the issue is his not yours

You definitely aren't being petty. He sounds horrible. Cold, like you've previously said. You're not able to be vulnerable with him anymore, that's heartbreaking. And as you've also said previously, all you'll ever know about him is that he's a liar. Can counselling change that?
I'm really sorry to say that I think you'll unravel if you stay with him. Always on alert, etc. It's no way to live. I think you need to put some emotional distance between the two of you, co parent throughout the rest of you pregnancy and early months, if that's what you'd prefer, but stop seeing him a romantic partner. Sorry that sounds so bleak.

Sorry OP but it does sound like you are starting to be insanely jealous (the ski instructor etc). Pregnancy has made you very vulnerable and you clearly have issues with weight. That said you husband sounds like an arse - but- try to focus on you and getting over your obsession with how you look and your lack of confidence. I think you need individual counselling before you consider couples therapy. Don't make any decisions at the moment. Get well first. Good luck

Had such a depressing chat with DH. So depressing because there’s just no drive in me to fix things. He kept asking what he can do to fix it and the answer is just I can’t be bothered this time. I feel very sad. I just can’t see myself moving on from this - I just don’t like him now. I don’t like how he makes me feel about myself.

I also said I would really rather just know what other stuff he is hiding and now is the time to tell me but of course he says nothing. So I really just can’t see any way forward. I can’t even really be bothered for couples counselling because what’s the point?

@Aishah231

I have had individual counselling in the past. I had quite a traumatic childhood - very chaotic with some emotional abuse. My weight is a classical control thing, I am usually 54/55kg and very slim. There is nothing I can do about the pregnancy weight gain - this is my third pregnancy and I just seem to balloon each time/have very large babies as well. It’s not an obsession as such because once the baby is here I lose the weight and it’s fine, but of course my self esteem is very much tied into my weight and my looks, and I find the lack of control over my pregnancy weight extremely hard indeed. A therapist is not going to be able to help with this particular topic, because I do understand the issue snd I know it’s just about no longer feeling comfortable in my skin during this relatively short time.

Also DH gave me a load of cliche shit about feeling overwhelmed with 2 small children and self sabotaging by looking at women online although it’s somehow self sabotage and yet at the same time it’s totally boredom just scrolling without noticing whilst on work calls 🤨

All the best op

Do you think someone exists where if you give them a phone they can find all deleted messages and browsing history etc/private history??

I just want to have evidence in my hand to actually KNOW what the lies are. A bit of emotional armour.

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

Do you think someone exists where if you give them a phone they can find all deleted messages and browsing history etc/private history??

I just want to have evidence in my hand to actually KNOW what the lies are. A bit of emotional armour.

Yes 100% there would be someone who could do that. Finding that person though..? Not sure how easy it’d be.