DH looking at women on Instagram

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Hey - I’m feeling very shitty and would appreciate some kindness and opinions please. Sorry for the long post.

I’m pregnant with baby number 3. Usually I am very slim but in pregnancy I seem to gain a lot of weight no matter what I do. I work hard to lose it in between. This baby was a bit of a surprise so the weight and changes to my body feel sprung upon me somewhat. I am delighted as we had planned a third, it’s just sooner than expected. Condom failure (in case anybody asks).

Anyway, DH has form for having lied during first pregnancy and flirted/gone out for drinks with a female colleague a few times. We recovered but I’m still quite sensitive/vulnerable during pregnancy. I used his Instagram 2 nights ago as my phone was on charge and wanted to search for a friend of mine (this is no big deal; we often use one another’s phone if closer). His search bar list was basically full of bikini clad, half naked women. I asked him about it later (by which point the search bar had been deleted) and after initially pretending he didn’t know what I meant, he said sometimes he sees these women on his meme pages and absentmindedly clicks on them. Nothing more to it. Just likes to look at them.

The trouble is it has really really made me feel like shit. That he wants to look at these women. We never have sex now as he’s “very tired” or one or both of us have had colds blah blah I’m feeling very, very unattractive, especially now. I don’t want to be naked in front of him now as I feel like he’s searching for something else, wants to see all these nice, fit bodies.

I’m just a bit sad really. I know it’s pathetic and I’m sure I’m being an insecure loser but it’s really got me down.

I am really sorry you are going through this OP. I think the root issue is that he needs to work on himself and his own emotional problems. We all have these in varying degrees and it's up to us to take responsibility to heal or resolve them because not only are we hurting but we can hurt others indirectly or directly because of them. It doesn't seem he is emotionally close to you and one would expect husband and wife to be even through the challenges of parenting. I could not be with a person who never kisses or cuddles me outside of sex. Your children will believe parents who are unaffectionate with each other is the norm - do you want them growing up thinking that?

Your children will believe parents who are unaffectionate with each other is the norm - do you want them growing up thinking that?

This has resonated with me. I grew up in an unhappy home and I used to feel very sad/emotional when I would go to friend’s houses and see their parents kiss.

[quote Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]@LollyPops111

I planned to have a third child in several years time, assuming everything was ok. Not now. That’s not the same thing,
Is it? It’s not defensive to point out that your comment isn’t helpful - it’s not. It’s just placing blame on me. So is saying I have trust issues. I don’t have trust issues in general - I have specific and fairly understandable concerns around my husband given his previous behaviour.

I posted because of helpful advice and support which happens on MN. There are posters who like to kick others when they are down too - that doesn’t mean I need to sit there and take it whilst waiting for helpful comments! Posting on MN (particularly not on AIBU) doesn’t mean I have a huge “kick me” sign on my back.[/quote]
Without wanting to upset you, I said there were trust issues based on the fact you found out he was flirting and drinking with a colleague whilst lying to you, you obviously looked for evidence and came across the ‘drinking and flirting’, so there must be trust issues there if you’re looking for things, I’m not saying your trust issues are your own making but his behaviour have given you reasons to have trust issues within the relationship. I don’t think it’s unhelpful for me to highlight that. I would also be concerned that he so easily lies and refuses to have sex with you, that is not a healthy relationship.
Yes you did post for advice and I brought up issues that were easily visible in your relationship and you then projected onto me because you didn’t like what I said.

Without wanting to upset you, I said there were trust issues based on the fact you found out he was flirting and drinking with a colleague whilst lying to you, you obviously looked for evidence and came across the ‘drinking and flirting’, so there must be trust issues there if you’re looking for things

This is your own supposition, and it’s entirely incorrect. DH asked me to do something on his phone and it happened to be open on their emails. That’s it. It was a huge shock for me as I never would have suspected something, and my world fell apart. He then pretended she had left the company. I found out when I was pregnant with number 2 that she had not and they had still been going for drinks etc. That time yes I had been snooping as I had a spidey sense. Quite easily found a photo of them at a work event. So yes, by pregnancy 2 there were a few trust issues - that time I was more on alert. But the first time it was a very unhappy coincidence. He obviously thought he had closed the email app. He had not.

Please don’t just suppose things about people on the Internet. If you don’t know facts, just ask for them.

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

Your children will believe parents who are unaffectionate with each other is the norm - do you want them growing up thinking that?

This has resonated with me. I grew up in an unhappy home and I used to feel very sad/emotional when I would go to friend’s houses and see their parents kiss.

This is a cycle that will continue if you stay in this unhealthy relationship. You could give your kids the gift of breaking that cycle so they don't repeat it

What I get out of it I suppose is getting to stay at home with my little ones which is what I wanted.but the terms of our pre nup actually mean I could do this if we divorced too so it’s not a compelling argument.

Does this mean you're financially stable whatever you decide?

If so, it sounds like you're not ready to end the relationship just yet so get tough.
Tell him he's lied and deceived you and made you feel like shit during your last two pregnancies and you won't tolerate it again.
Ask him whether he wants to stay in the marriage.
Set some clear boundaries.
Make it clear what happens if he doesn't respect those boundaries.

Yes you did post for advice and I brought up issues that were easily visible in your relationship and you then projected onto me because you didn’t like what I said

Of course there issues easily
Visible in my relationship - that’s why I’m posting on this forum. I didn’t take umbrage with you for you being correct or any sort of transference - I haven’t had an issue with anything anyone else said. I had an issue with you assuming I must have had trust issues and then questioning my decision to have a baby under circumstances you had assumed, incorrectly

I’ve explained myself and I’m not engaging further on this

@girlmom21

Yes, you are right re financial stability, so that’s something.

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

Without wanting to upset you, I said there were trust issues based on the fact you found out he was flirting and drinking with a colleague whilst lying to you, you obviously looked for evidence and came across the ‘drinking and flirting’, so there must be trust issues there if you’re looking for things

This is your own supposition, and it’s entirely incorrect. DH asked me to do something on his phone and it happened to be open on their emails. That’s it. It was a huge shock for me as I never would have suspected something, and my world fell apart. He then pretended she had left the company. I found out when I was pregnant with number 2 that she had not and they had still been going for drinks etc. That time yes I had been snooping as I had a spidey sense. Quite easily found a photo of them at a work event. So yes, by pregnancy 2 there were a few trust issues - that time I was more on alert. But the first time it was a very unhappy coincidence. He obviously thought he had closed the email app. He had not.

Please don’t just suppose things about people on the Internet. If you don’t know facts, just ask for them.

It doesn’t matter how or where you found them, your posts show there are trust issues within the marriage, that in itself is corrosive to any relationship, are you honestly saying you trust your husband? After what’s happened. However, if you’re happy as you are, then carry on, it doesn’t change the fact the relationship is unhealthy. You are also projecting at the wrong person, it seems if you don’t like what I say, you resort to turning things around on me.

@LollyPops111

This is my final post to you because I don’t understand what you don’t understand.

You questioned my choice to have a child with someone I didn’t trust.

I trusted my husband when I had my first child. Please go and bother someone else, your general tone etc isn’t helpful to me.

@Notfeelinggreataboutmyself

Yes you did post for advice and I brought up issues that were easily visible in your relationship and you then projected onto me because you didn’t like what I said

Of course there issues easily
Visible in my relationship - that’s why I’m posting on this forum. I didn’t take umbrage with you for you being correct or any sort of transference - I haven’t had an issue with anything anyone else said. I had an issue with you assuming I must have had trust issues and then questioning my decision to have a baby under circumstances you had assumed, incorrectly

I’ve explained myself and I’m not engaging further on this

I said there were trust issues in your relationship and you’ve demonstrated there are.

I didn’t assume incorrectly, I said why did you plan on even having another baby, whether now or in the future, when there were already issues, I’m not questioning the fact you’re now pregnant but the fact you planned at some point to have another baby with a man who lies, causes distrust and refuses to have sex with you. Surely you wouldn’t even plan a baby, unless these issues had been resolved.

[quote Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]@LollyPops111

This is my final post to you because I don’t understand what you don’t understand.

You questioned my choice to have a child with someone I didn’t trust.

I trusted my husband when I had my first child. Please go and bother someone else, your general tone etc isn’t helpful to me.[/quote]
I don’t understand what you don’t understand either.

My general tone, says the person who is attacking another poster for speaking the truth, sure!

@user33323

Like I said, I am not in denial and agree my husband absolutely could be lying. But there are thousands of posts online highlighting this issue. I've screen shot the first one I found googling just now. Also, strangely enough I've searched soft porn hashtags on Instagram, and they've never showed up on my own feed suggestions. My own husband's honesty aside (and I'm not trying to excuse yours in anyway, but just highlighting he probably didn't have to go looking for them) but I do believe the algorithms are undoubtedly misogynistic.

This happens to my husband. We are in our sixties, still lively lol, and all I get is old dears wrapping scarves round their neck

I don't think there are trust issues in the relationship. I think there is a man who can and has done things behind your back and lies to your face and then does it again. Do you believe him that he just 'flirted'? And even if you do, do you think that's ok?

It sounds to me that he gets a lot out of surface level attraction but doesn't have the emotional depth to be a decent partner.

Op, even if he stopped 'flirting' and the insta stuff, is this someone you really want to be tied to for the rest of your life?

@mewkins

Thank you for understanding my point re trust issues.

I’m not 100% sure he only flirted. On the balance of probabilities I think that’s right, but I will never know for sure and the level of lying was obscene. From his point of view he is just “going along with things for an easy life”. Eg “she flirted with me and I just didn’t say no as didn’t want it to be awkward” “I didn’t tell you as I didn’t want you to be upset” “I only went out for drinks with her as other people were going then cancelled and I didn’t what to be rude”. It’s always this sort of shit. “I deleted my search bar as I knew it would upset you”.

Yes, the question ultimately is if I want to stay in the marriage. I guess no one can answer that except for me. I’m just so determined to “succeed” at this and avoid the awful divorce I witnessed as a child. My experience of a single mother was my mother - it was not a positive experience. On the other hand what’s the point it I can’t move on from all these things snd don’t want to even get changed in front of him now.

@mewkins

I don't think there are trust issues in the relationship. I think there is a man who can and has done things behind your back and lies to your face and then does it again. Do you believe him that he just 'flirted'? And even if you do, do you think that's ok?

It sounds to me that he gets a lot out of surface level attraction but doesn't have the emotional depth to be a decent partner.

Op, even if he stopped 'flirting' and the insta stuff, is this someone you really want to be tied to for the rest of your life?

But a man who does stuff behind his wife’s back and lies about it, is distrustful.

Yes, I know what you mean. I just meant that the op doesn't have issues herself. The marriage does. Because he really can't be trusted.

It’s really not pathetic, you are not pathetic. I’ve been in a similar situation and it really does knock your confidence and it is hard to get over. Men don’t really get it do they and it’s really shit he’s tried to hide it from you. Do you think he’s hiding anything else ?

@AdultingInTheCountryside

I don’t know. Obviously after the Instagram thing I had a bit of a look through his phone. There is obviously suspicious stuff eg he is clearly routinely curating or deleting his Internet history etc. But nothing prove-able of course.

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar - it really is awful.

If its in his search bar he has manually typed the name/ search term in to specifically look for that, as the poster above mentioned, if its on the discover page its due to him looking or liking similar images,

I recently joined Instagram (solely to check my daughter's page out re who she's friending) my discover page is all this type of stuff, I've certainly never gone looking g for any of it, I'm in a long term relationship with a man too!

It’s his search bar and discovery bar - but it doesn’t matter as he’s admitted to it anyway (despite saying he didn’t search and just clicked on the names as links on other posts)

Anything in the search bar has to be physically typed in by the user. There is no history there if nothing is typed in. You don't get suggestions in the search bar at all, it is only what the user has actually searched for themselves.

Also, any girls that appear in the search bar means he has actually searched for their profiles. If you click on a profile from a post that just comes up then it doesn't go in the search bar.

@FluffyLion

Yes, I realise he is lying about that!!! Also he admitted to clearing his search bar regularly “as I wouldn’t like it if I saw it”, but then tried
To maintain he just happens to be clicking on links and not searching 😑

The lies are the worst thing