DH looking at women on Instagram

[Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]

Hey - I’m feeling very shitty and would appreciate some kindness and opinions please. Sorry for the long post.

I’m pregnant with baby number 3. Usually I am very slim but in pregnancy I seem to gain a lot of weight no matter what I do. I work hard to lose it in between. This baby was a bit of a surprise so the weight and changes to my body feel sprung upon me somewhat. I am delighted as we had planned a third, it’s just sooner than expected. Condom failure (in case anybody asks).

Anyway, DH has form for having lied during first pregnancy and flirted/gone out for drinks with a female colleague a few times. We recovered but I’m still quite sensitive/vulnerable during pregnancy. I used his Instagram 2 nights ago as my phone was on charge and wanted to search for a friend of mine (this is no big deal; we often use one another’s phone if closer). His search bar list was basically full of bikini clad, half naked women. I asked him about it later (by which point the search bar had been deleted) and after initially pretending he didn’t know what I meant, he said sometimes he sees these women on his meme pages and absentmindedly clicks on them. Nothing more to it. Just likes to look at them.

The trouble is it has really really made me feel like shit. That he wants to look at these women. We never have sex now as he’s “very tired” or one or both of us have had colds blah blah I’m feeling very, very unattractive, especially now. I don’t want to be naked in front of him now as I feel like he’s searching for something else, wants to see all these nice, fit bodies.

I’m just a bit sad really. I know it’s pathetic and I’m sure I’m being an insecure loser but it’s really got me down.

He's lying, he had to actively search for them to be in the search bar on Instagram. Clicking an @ doesn't do that

I would ignore it and not worry. I notice that the overall consensus on mumsnet is that all men are cheats and you should get rid of them at every opportunity. I am not sure if there are just lots of unhappy people who assume the worst of everyone.

Are these half naked girls known to him, or are they famous actresses/ singers or random model/ influencer types?

@FitAt50

I would ignore it and not worry. I notice that the overall consensus on mumsnet is that all men are cheats and you should get rid of them at every opportunity. I am not sure if there are just lots of unhappy people who assume the worst of everyone.

This one's a proven cheat

@desperatehousewife21

They are models etc (I mean model is loose as a definition but you know what I mean!)

I do! Everyone’s a ‘model’ these days.

I totally know what you mean about feeling inadequate/ not good enough when you know he’s looking at those types. 99% of them have had work done to look that way though, plus a load of airbrushing for the pic. But I know it’s not a comparison issue, it’s the fact that he’s not more than making up for it with affection/ intimacy with you.

@desperatehousewife21

Yes exactly I suppose I didn’t know that was a “look” he was into. I mean normally I flatter myself I look pretty good but at the moment I look like Mr blobby’s less charming sister or something and so it stings me particularly. And yes, coupled with lack of intimacy it really, really hurts. He has said to me this week (before this kicked off), as we are on holiday and I asked why he hasn’t tried anything. He said he hasn’t used thought it was an option. But he is someone who tries extremely hard to convince if he wants to do that’s also bullshit (that and ive repeatedly said “let’s try to have sex tonight if children sleeping”) etc.

[quote Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]@mewkins

Thank you for understanding my point re trust issues.

I’m not 100% sure he only flirted. On the balance of probabilities I think that’s right, but I will never know for sure and the level of lying was obscene. From his point of view he is just “going along with things for an easy life”. Eg “she flirted with me and I just didn’t say no as didn’t want it to be awkward” “I didn’t tell you as I didn’t want you to be upset” “I only went out for drinks with her as other people were going then cancelled and I didn’t what to be rude”. It’s always this sort of shit. “I deleted my search bar as I knew it would upset you”.

Yes, the question ultimately is if I want to stay in the marriage. I guess no one can answer that except for me. I’m just so determined to “succeed” at this and avoid the awful divorce I witnessed as a child. My experience of a single mother was my mother - it was not a positive experience. On the other hand what’s the point it I can’t move on from all these things snd don’t want to even get changed in front of him now.[/quote]
This "“I only went out for drinks with her as other people were going then cancelled and I didn’t what to be rude”. "

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh OP ... this in particular sickens me to the core. It's a classic cheater line... there were never any other people going out who then cancelled.... he didn't want to be rude? He treats you as if you have zero brain cells. I couldn't bare to spend another second under the same roof with him, let alone have sex with him ever again. He is consistently showing you what he thinks of you. Sadly that is not much at all. You don't need him to raise happy children. In fact, he is making the family unhappy because YOU, the bearer of his children, is unhappy and it's HIS FAULT. Not yours. I really would ask him to leave, even if just a few weeks initially, so you can get your head straight. You are being gaslighted constantly by him. To me, this means he gives zero shits about you and zero shits about the health of your new baby. Emotions affect a pregnancy just as much as rest, diet, exercise etc. Think about it. Your children are precious and this man is crapping on all of you from a great height.

I personally think that getting upset over your DH looking at women on Instagram etc is OTT. I know lots of men and women in happy, long-term secure relationships who appreciate a good-looking person. Influencers etc on social media don't get follows because they're wise and smart - in a lot of cases it's just because they're hot (male or female) and their followers like to see their photos. (Obvs not all types of influencers - but a significant number...!)

I guess I'd want to know does he try and chat to these women? Pay for their services? Use OnlyFans? Those things are all very different than enjoying looking at online photos of models. I don't think there's any harm at all in clicking onto photos and I think it's unfair for you to try and police what he can and can't look at in his own private time.

But all of that is a distraction because you have much bigger issues in your relationship. Your comments show you still don't realise just what a big deal it is that your DH went out for essentially on a date with another woman while you were pregnant. He doesn't want to have sex with you. He's emotionally cold. I really think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. In my experience, a person admiring photos of the opposite sex is fairly harmless (providing it's limited to just that). But all of those other things you describe are huge great red warning signs of a relationship which is in its death throes.

@SpidersAreShitheads

I really, really, really do get the seriousness of the other stuff. My focus on this is more it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s the last thing - it makes me feel like shit BECAUSE of everything else!!! Absolutely I understand the problems and that’s why I added them in the OP. With the woman at work I just feel a bit like I’ve done it to death. We went to counselling over it. I had to basically just accept what he said because I was due baby number 2 and I just wanted everything to be ok. But unfortunately every time something seems to happen I realise it isn’t something I will ever really be over as it rears it’s ugly head again.

He actually did a very unkind imitation of me in front of the children yesterday which he has never done before and I explained to him once they were in bed that I am deciding what to do currently but he need not consider this the same marriage going forward. At best it’s going to be platonic co parenting (officially, on MY terms).

The Instagram thing I think is a personal thing. Same as porn. For me, I’m not comfortable with it. Searching for good looking women to ogle is a step to far, I think. But I appreciate everyone has their own things they are comfortable with or not

@IrishKatie1971

You are 100% correct

OP - You've had a name change fail there - you might want to report your posts to MN to get them removed if you don't want them linked to previous stuff.

Re the Insta pictures, I honestly think it's a bit controlling to say that a partner isn't allowed to look at photos of attractive men/women when they're in private. I mean that gently. The primary issue with porn is that it supports the sex industry, sex trafficking and poor treatment of women, rather than it simply being a jealousy thing. I would hate to find my DP looking at lots of attractive women online so I'm not some "cool partner" at all. I'd feel very sad and also question myself in the same way you are doing. But I still think that trying to say whether someone can or can't look at photos of attractive people on a public forum is controlling. Image a man telling a woman she wasn't allowed to look at photos of a male model on Instagram - you'd have people on here telling you to LTB! You don't have to be thrilled about it - and I do think that how often he looks at the pictures is relevant. If he's constantly ogling and searching photos of women, then it's not just a casual interest and again, that crosses a line. Occasional checking out of women, meh, not a big deal.

As I say, I'd feel upset too if I saw it all but I think that's more about how we feel and our own insecurities than anything else. But as you say, you do have bigger issues to think about.

I am glad that you realise what a number he's done on you. The more you write about him, the worse he sounds. And I think you're right - the stuff with Insta might have only been a bit of an eye roll and a huff for you if it weren't for everything else that has gone on in the past - and is still going on. Sometimes it's just not possible to truly ever get past something that's happened - and I think that's the case with his dating this other woman. He doesn't sound as if he's ever been truly contrite, and has just fobbed you off despite the counselling.

Take some time to decide what's right for you. The only thing I'd say is that he seems fairly happy with a platonic relationship at the moment because he's not interested in sex? Allowing your marriage to continue as platonic parents only might give him exactly what he wants - someone to do all the wife stuff while freeing him from any responsibility to be a decent partner. Also, him being unkind about you to the children - that will just escalate especially if your relationship has broken down further. That is totally unacceptable and I'm glad it's spurred you into taking some action. You really do deserve better.

Hope all of this doesn't sound too harsh. With little ones and another on the way, it's a tough situation to be in. I hope you find some happiness.

The biggest issue here is lack if trust. It sounds like thus 'drinks' could have been a date in anything but name. It was him flirting with the idea of being single again.

Instagram algorithms are very intelligent. They know exactly what you like by what you've clicked on. If it's connected to other apps, his activity on these might be feeding into them as well.

I think you're in a difficult place as you are being starved of affection. It seems like emotionally and mentally, your husband is absent.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that; I don’t think you are being harsh, I think you are honest and I also, sadly, think you are correct.

I don’t even know what the frequency is because he is a liar. Which I suppose is the bottom line really, and what everything comes back to.

I will never have any answers to anything because he’s a liar, but I do have the answer that he is a liar!

@EarthSight

I agree in general about the Instagram intelligence and of course I agree could be a result of behaviour on other apps/online.

Unfortunately no concrete proof but I don’t know how much it matters except for my own peace of mind.

In all honesty though, I don’t think many (any?) men will fully admit to 100% of what their spouse has uncovered. Whether that’s looking at porn, models on insta, or bigger stuff like having an affair. They will admit the bare minimum they can get away with to appease their spouse and avoid the conflict and drama.

Even the nicest guys will omit the full truth when their wife/ partner finds something they’re not happy with. That may make me cynical but it’s from experience and reading lots of threads like these.

Hey op. This post resonated with me as I have similar circumstances. It’s not just about Instagram. It’s bigger than that. You’re just particularly vulnerable right now because you’re pregnant. You’re basically in a relationship with a person with a ‘dismissive avoidant’ attachment style. Have a google if you get a chance. But you’ve been gaslit into believing that you’re the one with the problem. Affection is like glue in a relationship. This can be expressed in the simplest of ways - an unexpected text to say ‘thinking of you’, a compliment, making plans to do something together just the two of you. Without affection or validation in a relationship, insecurity festers. You feel unseen. It’s soul destroying. Lack of intimacy/affection is a perfectly valid thing to be in happy about. It’s actually one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns. In no way am I trying to worry you further. What I want to do, like a pp pointed out, is that the root of problem lies with him ultimately. Once you realise that then you’re more empowered.

*unhappy

@SpidersAreShitheads

I personally think that getting upset over your DH looking at women on Instagram etc is OTT. I know lots of men and women in happy, long-term secure relationships who appreciate a good-looking person. Influencers etc on social media don't get follows because they're wise and smart - in a lot of cases it's just because they're hot (male or female) and their followers like to see their photos. (Obvs not all types of influencers - but a significant number...!)

I guess I'd want to know does he try and chat to these women? Pay for their services? Use OnlyFans? Those things are all very different than enjoying looking at online photos of models. I don't think there's any harm at all in clicking onto photos and I think it's unfair for you to try and police what he can and can't look at in his own private time.

But all of that is a distraction because you have much bigger issues in your relationship. Your comments show you still don't realise just what a big deal it is that your DH went out for essentially on a date with another woman while you were pregnant. He doesn't want to have sex with you. He's emotionally cold. I really think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. In my experience, a person admiring photos of the opposite sex is fairly harmless (providing it's limited to just that). But all of those other things you describe are huge great red warning signs of a relationship which is in its death throes.

I think there a huge naivety in pretending the types of pictures men are often admiring are even close to the types of pictures women are Even when considering the soft porn insta type stuff - Take a simple look at the women showing their ass in g strings , often legs spread and tits out or looking back over their shoulders in the most sexualised poses whilst most mens pics are a top less hunk in a pretty standard stance ( unless it’s gay porn ) Women are dealing with men who are looking at basically soft porn of these girls ( won’t even get into all the age issue about young girls online ) and often jerking off to much younger soft porn highly sexualised womens pictures whilst women IF even looking at men will see a muscle dude or singer actor. I don’t know a whole lot of 50 year old women wanking over these guys either . Not to say no woman even has but it’s not standard fare that women have multibillion dollar industry devoted to exploitative images of young men for them to masterbate to is it . Trying to compare them and pretend one is the same of the other is laughable . Completely different things

I am so sorry you are going through this, being with someone who lies alot is very difficult. If you can't trust your dh and never know when he's telling the truth it will inevitably put a massive strain on your relationship. However you have two children together and a third on the way so i also understand why you would stay in the marriage and try to make it work. It's hard to maintain a relationship once the trust is broken, especially if he carries on lying. You have to decide if you want to live like this forever, what would you tell your children to do in this situation if they were grown up and came to you with these problems? It's sad he's not very affectionate but some people just aren't so i wouldn't worry too much about that, i presume you knew and accepted that about him before marriage? Why do you think he doesn't want to have sex? Has your sex life been ok during the other pregnancies? I totally understand how a woman's self esteem can be low during pregnancy, for those women who don't gain much weight apart from their bump it's not too much change but for the women who put weight on all over it really does knock your self esteem and a loving partner reassuring you would really help you feel secure and love your pregnant body as it's doing the most amazing thing and creating life! I hope you can find a happy way forward with or without your dh

@desperatehousewife21

In all honesty though, I don’t think many (any?) men will fully admit to 100% of what their spouse has uncovered. Whether that’s looking at porn, models on insta, or bigger stuff like having an affair. They will admit the bare minimum they can get away with to appease their spouse and avoid the conflict and drama.

Even the nicest guys will omit the full truth when their wife/ partner finds something they’re not happy with. That may make me cynical but it’s from experience and reading lots of threads like these.

Totally agree with this!

[quote Notfeelinggreataboutmyself]@lastqueenofscotland

I never had any definitive proof - just some emails, and the little I could drag out of him by bluffing that I knew more. He is honestly just the biggest liar. I could catch him in bed with someone and he would say he wasn’t doing anything and that’s it. It’s extremely difficult to get any truth out of him, but I love him snd we have a family snd I couldn’t just leave without something harder. It was a very damaging time but I got over it for the most part, the scars remain though and at times like this I feel a little that old wounds are being reopened, if that makes sense.[/quote]
Why are you with a man who you admit is the “biggest liar”? What does that do to you, mentally?

Just read your second post which I feel was gentler however I still don’t agree that women just need to accept mens ‘ casual interest ‘ in Instagram ‘models ‘ . People are completely within their rights to have boundaries , pregnant or not
I realise there’s other stuff going on also with the partner and his style of relating but this shouldn’t be dismissed imo as it’s very disrespectful

Sorry forgot , That last post was @SpidersAreShitheads

Without affection or validation in a relationship, insecurity festers

Totally this! I think ultimately this can explain so many unhappy marriages. I think we over complicate situations because we sit there obsessing over every little detail, what they’re looking at etc when all we need is a bit of effort put in to the relationship by them (men).