I'm not a Christian anymore but my husband is

[Ha973]

Hey so this evening I told my husband that I am not a Christian anymore. He was really shocked but we didn't really talk about it properly he said he needs more time to think about it before discussing it properly.
I've been having doubts over my faith for some time but largely kept them to myself. When I have talked to him he's said something like 'it is normal to have doubts but we just need to trust God. We can never understand everything and we need to understand that some things only God can understand.' and told me to pray about it. He is a really devout Christian and is involved a lot with the Church and he runs a lot of youth groups there. I do feel bad about this all for his sake
I feel like I don't know whether I can continue our marriage anymore. I love him so much and he is such a caring loving man. But I don't know if either of us can fully respect each other anymore. And I don't know if it will work now we have such different beliefs. I know there is no way he'd have dated an atheist when we first started dating. I don't know whether it is right to continue being together but I do love him I just not sure if it is best. I still don't really know exactly what I believe and still have to work out a lot about my beliefs.
We also have 3 children who are 7 4 and 1 and I don't know how we can coparent together with different faiths regardless of whether we stay together. Right now we are kinda force-feeding them with Christian stuff and presenting it all as facts. I've been feeling really guilty about doing this recently. I feel like he wants to take every opportunity to share his faith with them. He has gotten very defensive and irritated sometimes when another adult has shared a differing view in front of them. I feel like one thing I dislike about Christianity and religion in general is that it presents something with so much uncertainty with such rigid answers. I also hate forcing these beliefs on our children and don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I want to teach them how to think critically and to be inquisitive and I don't think that we are doing that at the moment. I also don't think I'd ever have considered being religious if I wasn't raised in one. I know this sounds horrible and there are lots of good adjectives you can describe my husband as but I don't think inquisitive is one of them. I don't know how we can coparent successfully together anymore without having major disagreements and problems. Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how this all could work or if you've raised children with different faiths. Thanks

If you divorce or stay together they will still be raised with Christian beliefs through him.
I know many couples with different beliefs. Is there a reason you can't respect his and him reapect yours?

I'm a Christian (CofE and not what I would call devout). I don't think God/religion provide all the answers, if anything they provide more questions. Luckily I attended a church where questioning is very much encouraged. I've never taught my dc that religion is 'fact', just that it's what I believe.

None of my exes have been religious at all.
DS1 (17) believes there's 'something' but not sure it's the Christian God.
DS2 (15) is very anti-God.

My rule is that we all respect each others beliefs (or lack of). We've had lots of discussions about why we believe what we believe.

I'm Christian but I don't understand the judgmental demands some other Christians make on people. Either you believe or you don't. If you do, fine. If you don't, that's fine too.

Isn't being Christian being tolerant and welcoming of all. So why can he not accept you with your (just as valid) beliefs?

I couldn't live like that, op. Your husband's beliefs are so far away from yours, it's impossible. I mean, you told him that you're having doubts so his answer was to pray about it. I can't see him suddenly changing and becoming flexible on this issue. Good luck with this - I wouldn't stay married but your decision is your own.

We tell kids lies all the time. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, the Witch that eats naughty children (oops maybe that's my personal lie there). And we tell them it's the truth, even after they know its not. Obviously on MN kids,are absolutely traumatised over the discovery that they're not real, but in reality most kids aren't. I can assure you they'll figure out on their own that probably Mary didn't have a virgin birth, and there are no pearly gates, and god doesn't sit on a cloud with a harp. And they won't be traumatised because the discoveries and thoughts come slowly. But they'll take away the good tenets that make Christianity appealing to millions of people and use them to be kind and decent human beings.
You don't have to stay with your husband, but unless you're thinking of walking away from your children, you will have to co-parent. And it's best you do it kindly rather than bring about armageddon, another thing that probably didn't happen, on everyone about you. Even if you're no longer a Christian, you can still practise tolerance and kindness for your children's sake.

I was raised christian but although i still believe in God, I'm not a massive fan of all the rigid church stuff these days. But I would want my kids to hear many of the Christian stories because I think they help promote many healthy values. So I'm not sure where your struggle would be with regards to coparenting. Unless he is scaring them with 'fire and brimstone' or something lol. They can decide to believe whatever they want when they are older too.

However, I think as adults you would both struggle to continue a relationship. When anyone is really handline religious (or atheist) it can make it difficult for them to meet their fellow adults in the middle.

*hardline

It sounds like his public and private life is totally wrapped up in the church community, which makes it harder if you leave.
Perhaps ask him if he's more worried about your immortal soul or what people at church will say if you stop attending?
I'm religious and my husband isn't. Since I've never wrapped my identity in public expression of faith it isn't an issue.
His attitude toward your DC suggests he's afraid to ask questions (does he think he won't like the answers). Some devout Christians question dogma intensely.
He sounds totally out of touch with the modern world. Your DC will question their faith regardless of whether you and your DH give them permission. At the moment they're young. Does he think teenagers won't ask questions? How can he be involved in a youth group and not know how this is going to work?

I don’t think it needs to be the end unless he is of the persuasion to think you have strayed from the fold and are now a lost sheep who needs to be recovered. If he is going to think there is something ‘wrong’ with you going forward, I think that would be impossible to continue.

A lot of Christianity is about basic morality. Presumably you have no objection to the messages of kindness, tolerance etc. My DS is at a Catholic school, but does not believe. He is all about the science. He will however happily say a prayer each day at school, and has learnt to be respectful of other people’s rights to have faith, even if he does not. We have looked widely at other faiths historic and modern, and for us ‘some people believe’ has been invaluable. We are not a religious household, but as a church goer as a child, I do still find the ritual of services soothing and love the music, so will attend occasionally. I think on balance it can be good for a child to be able to sit through a service once a week that may be a bit dull, it is a valuable life lesson really, plus learning about Christianity, even if you consider it just stories, teaches you more about how the western world has come to be the way it is. And learning gyms etc is great for language and music.

So I think it all hangs on your husband. Your DC will make up their own minds about their beliefs in due course. Unless he is quite extreme exposure to faith is unlikely to be a negative thing for them.

But it's you that have changed not your DH you knew this when you married presumably at that point you were in it together a for raising your kids as christians . Everyone is entitled to change their mind but they are not entitled to demand other people change their minds too. You will have to Co parent whatever and it's reasonable that your kids have their fathers views taken into account. Your view doesn't supercede his, on any aspect religion schooling clubs etc

@ShippingNews

I couldn't live like that, op. Your husband's beliefs are so far away from yours, it's impossible. I mean, you told him that you're having doubts so his answer was to pray about it. I can't see him suddenly changing and becoming flexible on this issue. Good luck with this - I wouldn't stay married but your decision is your own.

Praying if you are having doubts is a pretty standard Christian statement. Pretty much all Christians do it at times and would say that, do it's not a reason to leave imo.

And, taking away the existence of God, are you happy to bring your kids up with Christian ideals? That's the more important thing to agree on. As they grow, your kids will form their own opinions about religion anyway. You both need to be tolerant of each other

So you only told him this evening and are already thinking about splitting up - are you sure there aren't other problems in the relationship in addition to the difference in faith?

If he is genuinely a devout Christian (and I say this because many talk the talk but don't walk the walk), he would not end a marriage over this. If you choose to then that is obviously your choice.

I became a Christian when my kids were about 9. They know what I believe, they know the rules they have to follow in my house but I've never presented it as fact and they are free to make up their own minds.

If your husband is not open to raising your kids in that way, I'm sure you can temper it with what you say but it would be, in my opinion, just as wrong to present as fact that there is no God when you can't possibly know that for sure.

If your husband can't be respectful of your beliefs and you can't be respectful of his then you have a problem that's bigger than a difference in faith.

* But it's you that have changed not your DH you knew this when you married presumably at that point you were in it together a for raising your kids as christians . Everyone is entitled to change their mind but they are not entitled to demand other people change their minds too. You will have to Co parent whatever and it's reasonable that your kids have their fathers views taken into account. Your view doesn't supercede his, on any aspect religion schooling clubs etc*

^This.

@Drunkpanda

So you only told him this evening and are already thinking about splitting up - are you sure there aren't other problems in the relationship in addition to the difference in faith?

Exactly

Give him chance you’ve only just told him

I think you need to hammer out a compromise.
As a previous poster said, if you divorce the children will still hear his point of view.

So work out the places of agreement. e.g. Presumably you still think a lot of the teachings are valuable anyway?
Then the differences - how can you live with them nd make them wok?
At school the children will hear a lot of 'Christians believe ...., Muslims believe ....' so can't you just carry that on at home? Dad believes ..., Mum ....

With the time your DH spends with church activities, you need I think to view it like a 'hobby' and make sure the hobby doesn't come at an expense of family life (which is also v.important in Christianity isn't it?)

What has he done for you to no longer 'respect him'? Do you have lack of respect for your past self and all others who are Christian?
I'm agnostic if I had to define myself but that doesn't mean I don't have respect for those who have long held faith.

My parents are agnostic but they have taught me that it doesn't matter what you believe as long as you're a good person. Tolerant, generous, loving, helpful etc.

If there is a god then that is what they would want you to be and it transcends all faiths.

I basically try and treat people and animals how I would like to be treated. I've changed the way i do things as I've learned stuff.

If he is a good Christian, he should agree to this?

I know some amazing religious people because they are lovely humans. I respect them despite not being religious myself.

My mother and stepfather have been married for 50 years. She's a Christian and he,s Hindu. Both quite devout. I'm pagan siblings are one Christian the other atheist. DS is atheist.
We all get on just fine. We just don't let our religious differences factor in our relationships.
I think it would be a huge shame to give it all up for religion

Where do you live op?

Your H sounds unusually enthusiastic about his beliefs, but then I'm in a large city in the UK.

I don't see the issue here either. I believe my DH does not. I go to church he does not. My kids go to a church school - I think one is probably agnostic and the other has no opinion that I can gauge. The kids will make up their own minds. If you live your surely you can respect is beliefs even if you aren't bought into them

I went to church and was very active within it. My husband does not believe and would not have a church wedding etc.. We had both children christened as that is what I wanted....but i promises my husband that the children could make their own decisions regarding their beliefs. My daughter came to church and joined the choir etc...my son played rugby every Sunday morning. Once they were at secondary school both children fell in love with science and decided that they did not believe either.
One day, when my children were at university I suddenly realised that I was just playing lip service and didn't really believe either, I had a difficult conversation with our vicar but have made peace with my decision.
What I am trying to say is that people change over time, so do their beliefs, sometimes and hopefully your children will also choose their own path.