I'm not a Christian anymore but my husband is

[Ha973]

Hey so this evening I told my husband that I am not a Christian anymore. He was really shocked but we didn't really talk about it properly he said he needs more time to think about it before discussing it properly.
I've been having doubts over my faith for some time but largely kept them to myself. When I have talked to him he's said something like 'it is normal to have doubts but we just need to trust God. We can never understand everything and we need to understand that some things only God can understand.' and told me to pray about it. He is a really devout Christian and is involved a lot with the Church and he runs a lot of youth groups there. I do feel bad about this all for his sake
I feel like I don't know whether I can continue our marriage anymore. I love him so much and he is such a caring loving man. But I don't know if either of us can fully respect each other anymore. And I don't know if it will work now we have such different beliefs. I know there is no way he'd have dated an atheist when we first started dating. I don't know whether it is right to continue being together but I do love him I just not sure if it is best. I still don't really know exactly what I believe and still have to work out a lot about my beliefs.
We also have 3 children who are 7 4 and 1 and I don't know how we can coparent together with different faiths regardless of whether we stay together. Right now we are kinda force-feeding them with Christian stuff and presenting it all as facts. I've been feeling really guilty about doing this recently. I feel like he wants to take every opportunity to share his faith with them. He has gotten very defensive and irritated sometimes when another adult has shared a differing view in front of them. I feel like one thing I dislike about Christianity and religion in general is that it presents something with so much uncertainty with such rigid answers. I also hate forcing these beliefs on our children and don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I want to teach them how to think critically and to be inquisitive and I don't think that we are doing that at the moment. I also don't think I'd ever have considered being religious if I wasn't raised in one. I know this sounds horrible and there are lots of good adjectives you can describe my husband as but I don't think inquisitive is one of them. I don't know how we can coparent successfully together anymore without having major disagreements and problems. Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how this all could work or if you've raised children with different faiths. Thanks

I grew up in strictly religious catholic household - far stricter than any other family in the district even back in 80's Ireland. There was probably a lot of similarities. We had Saturday confession, Sunday mass, observed lent with daily dawn mass and daily penance, daily prayers several times a day. Sex ed was entirely from catholic doctrine - so unwed sex is sinful, contraception is sinful, foreplay is sinful, lust is sinful, you get the idea.

My siblings and I all turned out normal enough despite this upbringing, and have varying degrees of faith ranging from sorta Catholic to total athiest. But young adulthood out in the modern world on our own was a steep learning curve for a few of us I think!

As long as you counter the indoctrination with other information or make it part of wider discussions your kids should be ok. Even if you can't, their friends will, their social media will what entertainment will. He can't control all that for each of them all of the time and certainly not when they are teens and have their own thoughts and doubts and feelings on faith.

As mentioned by a PP having a first hand experience of a devout mindset can set you up to understand many of the issues facing humanity historically and to this day, how laws were formed and just general social norms to an extent.

I'm atheist, DP is barely catholic but still there's some elements that's important to him. DS goes to a nominally catholic school but it's light enough on the religious stuff. He's recently queried death and dying due to his grandparents passing recently, so I explained what Catholics believed, but also gave him a brief overview of some other religion's beliefs surrounding death and dying to give a more rounded view because I can hardly insist heaven is real when I don't believe it myself. So we had a good chat, agreed nobody really knows for sure and people believe what gives them the best comfort. He likes the idea of reincarnation and had some good fun guessing who might come back as a newt.

I think the OP has been moving to her position for some time, but for her DH he has had less than 24 hours wih this information and it is not unreasoanble he wants more time to think about this and discuss

Both start out on married life with similar beliefs and goals ie Christian home and church life, no hint that either of them were forced into this or that at the time the OP had any doubts, as the eldest is 7, the staus quo as existed a long time

it is just too soon a change of mind regarding deep seate dbeliefs can not be solved in a few days or even weeks, this will require many xcnservations over time to readjust to a changing scenario, the OP's DH has not changed , OP has while OP's viewpoint might be more common on MN and more supported it does not negate the fact that both the marriage and family were started with a christian viewpoint and practice.
if you were bringing up your children vegetarian and one partner decided they no longer wanted to be vegetarian, they could not expect everyone to respect and like their idea of introducing meat into household and changing children's views on meat within 24 hours of being told you no longer wanted to live as a vegetarian and didn't want your kids to be vegetarian any longer

Aren't Christians supposed to be all judge not lest ye be judged?

People with the strongest faiths are able to allow the existence of doubt.

I understand he may be feeling confused, but this is a rich opportunity to model to your children what respect and compromise look like. He can be hurt that you don't believe any more, but if he's doing Christianity properly, he'll meet this period of your life with love and openess instead of judgement.

Best of luck OP

There are many versions of Christianity

No, there are not. There is only God's. Which is written relatively clearly in the Bible.

I used to comment on threads about Christianity, but rarely do nowadays, as the posts tend to be written by non-Christians. And have so many biblical holes in them, that nowadays, they are now all basically impossible to unravel.

His interpretation of his faith seems quite extreme
My partner is devout and I am not , they take kids to church on Sunday i have a lie in
I think there may be other issues in your marriage all are valid reasons for leaving if you wish

@lightand

There are many versions of Christianity

No, there are not. There is only God's. Which is written relatively clearly in the Bible.

I used to comment on threads about Christianity, but rarely do nowadays, as the posts tend to be written by non-Christians. And have so many biblical holes in them, that nowadays, they are now all basically impossible to unravel.

I think you may be being slightly pedantic here.

There's Catholic, CofE, Russian Orthodox, Methodist, Baptists, Plymouth Bretheren etc. They are all Christian and follow the basic tenants of Christianity, but they have some differing beliefs, different emphasis on what is most important, and different tolerances. That could easily be referred to as 'many versions'.

No. They are not versions. They are called denominations.

All, as far as I know, read the exact same Bible, with the exception of Catholics.

@lightand

There are many versions of Christianity

No, there are not. There is only God's. Which is written relatively clearly in the Bible.

I used to comment on threads about Christianity, but rarely do nowadays, as the posts tend to be written by non-Christians. And have so many biblical holes in them, that nowadays, they are now all basically impossible to unravel.

That god you stopped, your posts tended to be very preachy.

@lightand

You will both need to read 1 Corinthians 7

She doesn't need to do anything of the kind.

She no longer lives by the bibles rules.

OP, you can't stop him teaching your children that Christianity is true but you don't have to go along with it.

@lightand

No. They are not versions. They are called denominations.

That's what's commonly known as 'splitting hairs'.

@lightand

No. They are not versions. They are called denominations.

That's what I meant by pedantic. I know they are called denominations, but that is a fancy word for version to most people.

Catholics believe in e.g. transubstantiation and other denominations don't.
Some denominations are more accepting than others of sex outside of marriage, divorce, abortion.
Some denominations are more accepting than others of marriage with non believers, or people leaving the church.
Within each denomination individual churches / chapels / house groups / whatever have their own tolerances and expectations too.

@lightand

All, as far as I know, read the exact same Bible, with the exception of Catholics.

Well, hardly. The Bible as it is today bears very little resemblance to the original collection of documents which over centuries was edited, translated multiple times, interpreted, redacted and added to. Why are you qualified to judge which version is the true and accurate representation of the word of your God?

The Bible is a document by people, for people, written in the context of its time. The world has changed a great deal since then. There's a reason why calling something 'set in stone' is not generally considered a positive.

@lightand

All, as far as I know, read the exact same Bible, with the exception of Catholics.

Read the same bible, but have different interpretations and teachings based on the text. And place different priorities on different texts.

See for example the ordination of women. Same bible, but very different response to it's teachings across the CofE, methodist and quaker denominations for example. Women Quakers have been preaching since the 17th century. Methodists (in the uk) a bit later in the late 1800s and cofe took until the early 1990s. Things like that make a massive difference to the lived experience of a religion. It's much more than just reading the same book.

I feel for you OP. If your husband is an evangelical Christian then it’s going to be tough. Also raising children evangelical is awful. No child should be brought up being taught about hell, it’s traumatising. You would be doing your children a huge favour if you can teach them a non Christian view of life.

I used to comment on threads about Christianity, but rarely do nowadays, as the posts tend to be written by non-Christians. And have so many biblical holes in them, that nowadays, they are now all basically impossible to unravel.

The thing is @lightand, non-Christians aren't at all worried about "biblical holes" because we don't believe in the bible. Our comments are based on what we see in the real world, and not on an ancient text that is in any case interpreted in a myriad different ways.

Of course, you might consider us ill qualified to comment, but our perspective is no more or less valid than yours. And given that the OP is no longer a Christian, our posts might actually be more relevant to her. It is odd, for example, that you say she "needs" to read a passage in the bible, but why would a non-Christian need to read the bible? She might choose to read it in order to better understand her husband's position, but she certainly doesn't need to read it. It's irrelevant to her now.

If you get divorced from your husband, you are still going to have to co-parent. The issue won't entirely go away, you'll both just be free to educate your children as you see fit when they are with you. You could agree to do that while you are still married. I think there has to be a compromise here. I am an atheist but I sympathise with your husband. You are the one who has changed your beliefs so he is going to be the one who has to change his expectation about bringing up his kids in a harmonious Christian family. I think if you otherwise love him and it is a successful marriage, you should try not to get divorced over this! Start discussions specifically on the issue of parenting (not whether there is a God, you can agree to disagree). I think you might have to be the one to compromise further as it is you who has changed. Perhaps you could agree at this stage that while they are young, he can educate them about Christianity and take them to Sunday school or whatever but that you don't get involved and that you say to the Children that not everyone believes in God, for example, mum doesn't, and that people can choose their own beliefs once they have learned about them. You might agree that as they get older, you can educate them about other religions and atheism to give them a balanced view of all the options. In the end it will be up to them whether they are Christians and you and your husband will just have to accept that there's a bit more chance than in a family where everyone agrees that they might not end up going with your belief system!

@lightand

All, as far as I know, read the exact same Bible, with the exception of Catholics.

You should probably come and tell that to the 3 different versions of the Bible on the bookcase in our Church refectory. All tell essentially the same stories, but a different translation of a word or 2 and it has a different meaning.

Dh believes and I do not. It has never been an issue, as we do not make an issue out of it. We sometimes discuss the Bible from philosophical/historical perspective, but not the actual beliefs. Luckily his branch (? see, I have no idea) of Christianity also believes that you must be an adult before you can actually accept faith, so there were never any discussions about christening the children. When they have asked, we say that 'some people believe x but some y'.

You've done a total 180 on a previously huge shared part of your life, and that's going to need negotiating. I'm thinking that this isn't maybe the whole tale, for you to be considering splitting so immediately without having tried to respect each others views and work through this first. Maybe there are other aspects in play and this is a final straw situation?
Whether you stay together, or live apart, you will have to coparent your children, they will have one religious parent, and unless he follows suit they will be brought up with connection to the church while in his care, regardless. You're going to have to negotiate all of this, whatever the outcome of your marriage.

@lightand

There are many versions of Christianity

No, there are not. There is only God's. Which is written relatively clearly in the Bible.

I used to comment on threads about Christianity, but rarely do nowadays, as the posts tend to be written by non-Christians. And have so many biblical holes in them, that nowadays, they are now all basically impossible to unravel.

lol

You see, @lightand, I happen to think that what is written "relatively clearly" in the Bible backs up my view. Which I'd hazard a guess is radically different from yours (suspect you may be much closer to OP's husband than a lot of us).

(Also the word "relatively" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there)

Incidentally, where do you stand on reconciling the sheep and the goats and "when did we see you" and "not everyone who says to me Lord Lord" with the Names Written In The Book Of Life? And the James/Paul discussion on faith vs works?

@psydrive

OP is no longer a Christian, why should she have to follow Biblical teachings on marriage?

She doesn't - but I'm presuming her husband will wish to, and noting the stance he will be coming from.

@pointythings
I am long past discussing that.
You believe what you want to believe. I am too weary to correct everything that people write incorrectly.

C@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur & @Sparkai
That is why people need to search and read it for themselves. And not rely on others to do it for them. After a few years, if you are truly seeking God, you will work out more or less, which is correct, which is nearly, and which is not really.

@merryhouse I have no wish to derail this thread.
You may start a thread if you want, and I may or may not reply on it.

^C@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur & @Sparkai
That is why people need to search and read it for themselves. And not rely on others to do it for them. After a few years, if you are truly seeking God, you will work out more or less, which is correct, which is nearly, and which is not really.^

I've been a Christian my entire life.* Helped run Sunday School as a teen. Attended Conformation classes and have done various 'bible study' groups. I'm none the wiser about which translation is "correct" I suppose if I studied Hebrew, Greek, Latin and whatever other languages I'd need I might be able to decide which one is the "correct" one. But then again if that were the case then the scholars would have agreed in the first place.

*I'm aware some people think children can't be truly Christian. But what I mean by that is that I was raised going to church, attending Sunday School, learning prayers and bible stories. And I believed it all. As I've got older my understanding and belief has changed and deepened.