I'm not a Christian anymore but my husband is

[Ha973]

Hey so this evening I told my husband that I am not a Christian anymore. He was really shocked but we didn't really talk about it properly he said he needs more time to think about it before discussing it properly.
I've been having doubts over my faith for some time but largely kept them to myself. When I have talked to him he's said something like 'it is normal to have doubts but we just need to trust God. We can never understand everything and we need to understand that some things only God can understand.' and told me to pray about it. He is a really devout Christian and is involved a lot with the Church and he runs a lot of youth groups there. I do feel bad about this all for his sake
I feel like I don't know whether I can continue our marriage anymore. I love him so much and he is such a caring loving man. But I don't know if either of us can fully respect each other anymore. And I don't know if it will work now we have such different beliefs. I know there is no way he'd have dated an atheist when we first started dating. I don't know whether it is right to continue being together but I do love him I just not sure if it is best. I still don't really know exactly what I believe and still have to work out a lot about my beliefs.
We also have 3 children who are 7 4 and 1 and I don't know how we can coparent together with different faiths regardless of whether we stay together. Right now we are kinda force-feeding them with Christian stuff and presenting it all as facts. I've been feeling really guilty about doing this recently. I feel like he wants to take every opportunity to share his faith with them. He has gotten very defensive and irritated sometimes when another adult has shared a differing view in front of them. I feel like one thing I dislike about Christianity and religion in general is that it presents something with so much uncertainty with such rigid answers. I also hate forcing these beliefs on our children and don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I want to teach them how to think critically and to be inquisitive and I don't think that we are doing that at the moment. I also don't think I'd ever have considered being religious if I wasn't raised in one. I know this sounds horrible and there are lots of good adjectives you can describe my husband as but I don't think inquisitive is one of them. I don't know how we can coparent successfully together anymore without having major disagreements and problems. Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how this all could work or if you've raised children with different faiths. Thanks

Church and his faith seems to dominate his life, so you’d be within your rights to end your relationship when you don’t believe in it.
And I think that children need to be allowed to decide for themselves, rather than being told it is.
It is up to you to decide if you can live this life, but please don’t stay for the children. You deserve to live your life as you want.

If he's a proper devour Christian it will be a massive issue, particularly as the children grow older.
A very Christian acquaintance of mine once told me the idea of her children 'rejecting' Jesus (they always see lack of faith as a conscious decision, a rebellion against God) kept her up at night as it would mean they were damned to hell.
The whole family is on the same page. I'm not sure how she would cope with her spouse rejecting God.

If he’s not willing to accept and respect you regardless of your beliefs then the marriage is over. If he will only love someone with his set of beliefs that’s very controlling to be honest and inflexible. It’s like he wants to live in an echo chamber. Why does he have to make everyone believe the same things as him? That’s a very nasty characteristic. There are billions of people in the world who don’t believe what he does. Does that make them bad people or wrong? If his answer is yes then that’s whoa…very very controlling and weird and not ok and surely not Christian at all. Maybe you’ve decided not to be Christian because of your husband? I am not Christian but know lots of Christians who regularly go to church but none of them act like your husband. He sounds extreme. It’s ok to teach your children other religious theories. In fact, the world is a much better place if children grow up with knowledge and tolerance. My kids go to a Christian school but they educate and inform them about all the different religions across the world. They mark Divali for example and do art work that reflects that festival. They also teach them philosophy and debating skills and they have a charity week where they go into the community and raise money for a local charity…surely that’s the kind of thing that is the cornerstone of being Christian. If you split from your husband you just teach your kids other things and tolerance and listening skills in the time they are with you. Take them to do volunteer work that kind of thing. Have lots of other books around other than purely Christian books. Are they being taught about the natural world and Charles Darwin? You can do that.

Your view doesn't supercede his, on any aspect religion schooling clubs etc

The flipside of this is that his view doesn't supersede hers either. OP has lost her faith - it happens. The situation has changed. It's now up to them as adults to either reach a mutually respectful new position, which will impact how they manage faith in the family and the beliefs of the DC, or to split up amicably and co-parent. There isn't a right or wrong here, just a very difficult situation.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My mother and stepfather have been married for 50 years. She's a Christian and he,s Hindu. Both quite devout. I'm pagan siblings are one Christian the other atheist. DS is atheist.
We all get on just fine. We just don't let our religious differences factor in our relationships.
I think it would be a huge shame to give it all up for religion
^^^
This.
And how lovely

I was brought up Christian
But lean very much towards the Buddhist way.

I never made a thing about region with either children apart ds went to a Christian club when younger because his mate did.
He liked their teachings but it is an individual choice.
I think 'treat each other as you would liked to be treated' and 'you get back what you give out' can of hold true whatever religious beliefs you have.

For me there is a big difference between holding Christian beliefs or a belief in god - which is usually very personal and exploring it can be a very strong thing, and subscribing to the teachings of a particular church. You can have one without the other. My parents were both brought up in one church however my mother fell out with that church due to some of its teachings. My father continued. They both still had a similar belief structure and morality but it did change how much exposure we had to that church. I would bear in mind that you will still have a lot of common ground and that the differences you have are likely more in how you feel towards the teaching of the church rather than your particular belief structure. I personally find that churches can stifle your ability to engage on a personal level with what it is your believe and how you explore your faith. Maybe you need some time to explore this so don’t feel pressured into answering what it is you believe. I also think faith as with anything changes and develops throughout life as you get more experience and as you challenge your faith and this is normal.

Speaking as a Christian
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how this all could work or if you've raised children with different faiths

You are now unequally yoked, as it is called in the Bible.
I will look up more what the Bible says about this, later.

There are many versions of Christianity and it sounds like his leans towards the simplistic, black and white, probably evangelical version. No real questioning, blind faith. If he's been brought up that way it's easier to go along with it. Cosy in fact.

You've just challenged that and probably, from his point of view, who he is.
You should be able to agree to disagree without him being appalled. Your views are equally valid and he should respect that, maybe even start examining his own views a bit more critically.

You shouldn't be thinking of breaking up your family for this. Your children in turn should -and will - form their own beliefs or not.

Friends of mine have a good marriage - she is a vicar, he is an atheist.
The essence of this success is respect.

If your OH is so avid about his religion that he is unable to respect the views of others then to be honest he is not someone I would wish to be married to. These sort of rigid religious views are central to many of the bloodiest wars throughout history.

You are due a detailed discussion. I really feel for you - religion is so divisive. I wish you good luck with this.

I don't think any of the problem lies with you. It's clear you've become uncomfortable with the way he is indoctrinating the children and not allowing them to make their own decisions. I think you're also doubting that he will be able to act respectfully towards you after your decision that you are no longer Christian.

I also think that he has almost forced you into this decision with his presentation of beliefs as facts and you are feeling that if that is what Christianity is then you want no part of it. But you know there are other ways than complete unquestioning devotion even among the clergy. Maybe you're actually still Christian but just not in the way he is?

I'm an atheist by the way so in no way trying to push you back into Christianity, just saying don't let him push you out because his views are more extreme than yours!

I think you need to decide if you want to be with him and what you need from him if he still wants to be with you - and for him to do the same. Why don't you suggest to him you both think about what you want and what you nee from each other and choose a time together to discuss that in the not too distant future.

You will both need to read 1 Corinthians 7

I think there are multiple issues here, including spiritual, cultural and social.

Social- you could be the biggest church goer, do golfer, youth worker, cake baker, scripture reciter ever and not believe in your heart. That doesn’t take away from the fact that friends, community, social lives, hobbies have probably grown up around the church and you threatening the foundations of that life for your husband is probably very terrifying for him.

Spiritual: But no one can make you believe! Just as no one can take away your faith if you do believe. But again, if he sees you as his partner in very sincerely held beliefs, then your revelation is going to seriously rock his world.

Cultural- I work in the arts and am grateful to the immense knowledge of bible stories etc I have from school etc. It’s been invaluable understanding art, literature and history. Just reading a book about WW1 at the moment and it’s almost impossible to understand how brave and/or foolhardy so many people were without understanding that many believed God was on their side and should things go badly, eternal salvation awaited.

It would be immoral and dishonest for you to have to pretend you have faith when you don’t, but I would at least have patience with him for a little while as you have probably taken a hand grenade to his whole concept of life, family, parenting etc.

Do GOODER not golfer ffs!

Have you ever discussed how either of you would feel (when you still had your faith) if your children decided it wasn’t for them?
I know of couples with differing beliefs, most of the partners who are unreligious do allow the children the to follow the faith of their partner though which is why I could never have married anyone who was religious as I’ve always wanted my children to be free to make their own choice and to never be influenced.
You both need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this, it doesn’t need to be the end of your marriage, after all Christianity is about tolerance and acceptance.

There's a whole lot of nastiness towards the dh here that l feel is unwarranted.
If he’s not willing to accept and respect you regardless of your beliefs then the marriage is over. If he will only love someone with his set of beliefs that’s very controlling to be honest and inflexible. It’s like he wants to live in an echo chamber. Why does he have to make everyone believe the same things as him? That’s a very nasty characteristic.
From what I've read it's not the dh that's wanting the relationship to end, it's op? This isn't a new thing for the dh to be like, he hasn't suddenly become involved in the church etc. Absolutely op doesn't have to believe or be involved, but just because the dh still does he's not a horrible changed monster.

It's two separate issues really, OP. Whether your marriage can continue, which is really up to you and your husband, and your concerns about what your children are being taught.

On the latter, personally I wouldn't worry too much. My husband was raised by evangelical creationists (he went to those Spring Harvest camps, all that jazz) and he and his brother are both atheists now. Teach them to be open-minded and teenage rebellion might take care of the rest! Seriously though, they'll be able to make up their own minds when they're older. Just be honest with them about your beliefs and doubts.

I was brought up in C of E circles (both primary and secondary school, just because that's what they all were locally) and went through a religious phase in my mid-teens. I worked out I was an atheist in the end, just as you have.

Paul has some guidance on believers who are married to unbelievers (because of course he was writing to people who were mostly new converts).

He's quite clear that the Christian should not feel obliged to end the marriage.

He's also pretty clear that they shouldn't guilt-trip their spouse into staying if the spouse can't cope with it.

Unfortunately he's less clear on what to do with the kids (what a surprise...)

It sounds as if OP's husband is the evangelical type of Christian, who believes that all one's actions should be explicitly directed by What God Wants For My Life, that we are fighting against The World and The (embodied) Devil, and that everyone who doesn't specifically believe in God before they die will suffer eternal torment (which most of them, when they stop to ponder, are pretty unhappy about - so they don't ponder too hard and double down on the other stuff).

You're never going to get your children away from his preaching, even if you decide to leave him; so you will simply have to alleviate it.

Talk about how patterns and rituals and community have been important to humans. About how people often turn vague ideas of how we should behave into a set of rules and a single focus point to look towards. Talk about how religions have been a thing all over the world, and about how they develop. Talk about how the people of the OT interacted with God in a different way from the people of the Greco-Roman world, and the Renaissance and the Enlightenment (obviously not in great detail right now, but looking at paintings and so forth).

Talk about how treating people well is the idea behind all the extra rules about sex and clothes, and the fact that someone isn't following them doesn't mean you shouldn't treat her badly.

Hey OP. I left a high demand religion and fortunately my husband left with me, but I can appreciate and understand where you are coming from.

There are a lot of groups and surprisingly TikTok where elope discuss mixed faith marriages. It can work. Some of the mixed faith marriages I am aware of, the atheist is very vocal about their beliefs. But I guess it needs both of you wanting it to work.

It can work and the entire point of life (if there is any point)is that we change, so regardless of your differences or religion, it's likely you would change.

It's hard though, especially if the religion is full on, which is sounds like yours was. For me there was so much deconstruction, it hasn't been easy but I really love my life so much more now. The exmormon (me), exJW and ex evangelical community's on TikTok are really supportive, even those we don't all share the same history, there is a surprisingly amount of crossover.

It's the indoctrination of the children and unwillingness to let them hear other points of view that jumped out at me. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either, OP.

Your issue really resonated with me. My DH is a very devout Christian. His whole life revolves around his Christian commitments, church meetings, work for the community, street pastor ext ext ext. Now I am also a. Christian but of a very different persuasion. Like DH I try to follow Christian teaching ext, but I am more than happy with Sunday worship only. I have Christian friends, but I also have other friends and a range of other interests. I don't want to 'join in and commit' to every Christian activity going on all day f the time

When younger this caused huge problems and was literally the only issue we argued about . Not very good for the children.My husband never wanted to be away at weekends, visiting family or doing anything else if it interfered with his church commitments
I think this is an issue you need to consider carefully now that you are not a Christian OP. It took me years of exhausting arguments to get some sort of balance which considered my perspective and brought us near divorce many times.
From the ages of your children you r still young. We have been married 48 years now and I'm glad I stayed but I imagine it will be a harder decision for you and there will need to be many compromises on both sides. Good luck for the future. Hope things go ok which ever way you decide 💐

Gah! @ (11:39:56) "...the fact that someone isn't following them doesn't mean you should treat her badly", obviously

Edited the sentence half-way through and forgot to check...

OP is no longer a Christian, why should she have to follow Biblical teachings on marriage?

On the basis of your description of your husband’s approach to his faith, I think long term you may need to split. He seems to hold very ‘fundamentalist’ beliefs which won’t bend to yours or brook any compromise.
Do you feel you have to be in on feeding them beliefs as facts or will he allow you to tell them what you believe?

DH and I have different beliefs. It is entirely possible to raise children with 2 different belief systems, but only if both parents accept that they do not have a monopoly on the truth. I respect DH's beliefs even though I don't share them. He respects mine. DD knows that I believe one thing, her dad believes another thing, and that it's for her to decide what she believes for herself.

If your husband's beliefs require that your children should be indoctrinated into his faith without ever being exposed to alternative points of view, then I don't think your relationship is sustainable. Likewise if he believes that you are damned or that you need to be saved... that is not the basis for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

You might have to make some tough decisions in order to stay true to yourself...

Is he the sort of Christian who believes in male supremacy, by any chance? Does his imaginary friend and mythological set of rules impact on other people eg you and DC?