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Original poster

I'm not a Christian anymore but my husband is

102 replies

Ha973 · 13/01/2022 01:43

Hey so this evening I told my husband that I am not a Christian anymore. He was really shocked but we didn't really talk about it properly he said he needs more time to think about it before discussing it properly.
I've been having doubts over my faith for some time but largely kept them to myself. When I have talked to him he's said something like 'it is normal to have doubts but we just need to trust God. We can never understand everything and we need to understand that some things only God can understand.' and told me to pray about it. He is a really devout Christian and is involved a lot with the Church and he runs a lot of youth groups there. I do feel bad about this all for his sake
I feel like I don't know whether I can continue our marriage anymore. I love him so much and he is such a caring loving man. But I don't know if either of us can fully respect each other anymore. And I don't know if it will work now we have such different beliefs. I know there is no way he'd have dated an atheist when we first started dating. I don't know whether it is right to continue being together but I do love him I just not sure if it is best. I still don't really know exactly what I believe and still have to work out a lot about my beliefs.
We also have 3 children who are 7 4 and 1 and I don't know how we can coparent together with different faiths regardless of whether we stay together. Right now we are kinda force-feeding them with Christian stuff and presenting it all as facts. I've been feeling really guilty about doing this recently. I feel like he wants to take every opportunity to share his faith with them. He has gotten very defensive and irritated sometimes when another adult has shared a differing view in front of them. I feel like one thing I dislike about Christianity and religion in general is that it presents something with so much uncertainty with such rigid answers. I also hate forcing these beliefs on our children and don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I want to teach them how to think critically and to be inquisitive and I don't think that we are doing that at the moment. I also don't think I'd ever have considered being religious if I wasn't raised in one. I know this sounds horrible and there are lots of good adjectives you can describe my husband as but I don't think inquisitive is one of them. I don't know how we can coparent successfully together anymore without having major disagreements and problems. Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how this all could work or if you've raised children with different faiths. Thanks

OP posts:

2Gen · 13/01/2022 18:34

I think it's terribly sad you have lost your faith and are thinking of divorcing the husband you still love because of it. How could breaking both your hearts and breaking up your children's home make things any better for any of you? I can't see it. It would be different if he was abusive or you couldn't stand the sight of him anymore but you still love the man, so why do it to yourself either?
Could you not try to accept that your husband has a duty to God to rear your children as Christians? I'm sure you know that you serve your children best if you keep their home together seeing as you still love their dad and there is no abuse? I just do not see how breaking up your otherwise happy family can benefit any one of you and think it will hurt your children most of all. Life is not meant to be easy and I think it would be far better for you as well as them if you could find a way to live with this for all your sakes, especially your children! They will make up their own minds as adults anyway! So will you.

macnougat · 13/01/2022 18:51

@2Gen

I think it's terribly sad you have lost your faith and are thinking of divorcing the husband you still love because of it. How could breaking both your hearts and breaking up your children's home make things any better for any of you? I can't see it. It would be different if he was abusive or you couldn't stand the sight of him anymore but you still love the man, so why do it to yourself either? Could you not try to accept that your husband has a duty to God to rear your children as Christians? I'm sure you know that you serve your children best if you keep their home together seeing as you still love their dad and there is no abuse? I just do not see how breaking up your otherwise happy family can benefit any one of you and think it will hurt your children most of all. Life is not meant to be easy and I think it would be far better for you as well as them if you could find a way to live with this for all your sakes, especially your children! They will make up their own minds as adults anyway! So will you.

How patronising.

It might turn out that OPs husband is the one who wants to end the marriage. Or that there views are too different for them to make it work.

It's not sad that OP has lost her faith. Maybe she's happy without it. And yes the husband might bring the kids up in his faith but that doesn't mean OP has to.

AlexaShutUp · 13/01/2022 18:52

@2Gen

I think it's terribly sad you have lost your faith and are thinking of divorcing the husband you still love because of it. How could breaking both your hearts and breaking up your children's home make things any better for any of you? I can't see it. It would be different if he was abusive or you couldn't stand the sight of him anymore but you still love the man, so why do it to yourself either? Could you not try to accept that your husband has a duty to God to rear your children as Christians? I'm sure you know that you serve your children best if you keep their home together seeing as you still love their dad and there is no abuse? I just do not see how breaking up your otherwise happy family can benefit any one of you and think it will hurt your children most of all. Life is not meant to be easy and I think it would be far better for you as well as them if you could find a way to live with this for all your sakes, especially your children! They will make up their own minds as adults anyway! So will you.

Are you suggesting that the OP should lie to her children and pretend that she believes in something that she does not? Even when she says that she feels deeply uncomfortable about presenting these beliefs as "fact" and discouraging critical thought? Wow! I don't know if you could live a lie like that, but I couldn't.

It really doesn't sound as if the OP's DH is the type to just accept and respect that the OP has different beliefs and for the children to be exposed to two different worldviews. If I have misinterpreted and he's happy for both perspectives to be presented to the children equally, then fair enough, the OP shouldn't be hasty in breaking up an otherwise happy family. However, if she has to pretend that she buys into his belief system in order to make it work...fuck that.

Being honest with my dc is of fundamental importance to me. I cannot envisage a life in which I would lie about something so all-encompassing.

AlexaShutUp · 13/01/2022 18:54

Also, she is not doing anything to herself. She simply doesn't believe in what he believes. If he can accept and respect that, I'm sure that they will have no problems in making it work. If he can't, then what do you want her to do?

LethargicActress · 13/01/2022 19:01

OP, until you know what you do believe, or at least what you want to be able to choose to freely believe, it’s impossible to know whether you would be able to co parent successfully or not. After some time, it may turn out that your view isn’t completely opposed to your husbands and with enough respect and kindness towards each other maybe you could do parent well together. Of course, it may turn out that you want to reject everything about the church and religion, in which case it’s going to be difficult, especially for your children, whether you separate or not.

Gildededge · 13/01/2022 19:09

@2Gen because being part of evangelical Christianity is soul destroying. He might not be abusive but a lot of the beliefs of Christianity are. Why should she have to accept that for herself and her children. People who think Christianity is harmless are lucky they didn’t grow up in a evangelical Christian family.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 19:19

Lots of people here telling stories of couples with different faiths and beliefs (or lack of). But in most (all?) of those cases, the couple knew beforehand, and went ahead with their marriage/relationship having decided that they could manage this.

I'm not religious at all, but I do think that the DH in the OP is in a very different situation. His faith is so important to him, that I imagine that if OP hadn't been a Christian when they met, he wouldn't have entered into a relationship with her. He married someone who seemed to be as devout as he was. Now he's married to a non-believer.

He discovered this a day ago. This is not going to be something he's going to come to terms with quickly. Nor should he be seen as unreasonable if he can't.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 19:22

[quote Gildededge]@2Gen because being part of evangelical Christianity is soul destroying. He might not be abusive but a lot of the beliefs of Christianity are. Why should she have to accept that for herself and her children. People who think Christianity is harmless are lucky they didn’t grow up in a evangelical Christian family.[/quote]
Don't generalise about evangelical Christians. It's quite a spectrum.

I'm atheist, but most of my in-law relatives are evangelical. They are the best people I know. Yes, my in-laws are. They live a very giving and unselfish life, are a great laugh, would do anything for anyone, and have never once, in the 43 years that I've been part of their family, ever preached to me or in any way implied that I should join their faith.

TopCatsTopHat · 13/01/2022 19:26

If he wants to discourage his children to have a searching soul and find God, instead wanting to indoctrinate them young so that they have it imprinted in their thinking and can't see the wood for the trees in terms of where their own heart lies and where the acceptable beliefs begin /end then it could be very difficult.
If he is the kind of Christian who accepts everyone has to find their own path to God, then it may be easier to chat a course as your inability to ensure his lessons won't trouble him the same, as he will have trust that his children can have their own relationship with God.
Perhaps his faith is founded less in a relationship with God than on a 'correct' way to live... If it is the former, he could do some soul searching and seek counsel to help him understand that not having an active faith doesn't mean you are not a child of the Lord. The gates of heaven are never closed to anyone if you are Christian, so you could return to the faith at any point and like the prodigal son be quickness with open arms, as a mere disciple, he can surely do no less than allow you to walk your own path without judgement.
But all this depends a lot on his attitude.
Quite possible for an atheist and a Christian to be married and raise children, the lack of judgement is key

jenniesgame · 13/01/2022 19:28

I feel for your situation. As others have said this has come as a huge shock to your DH and he needs time...no hasty decisions. From his perspective he probably feels very anxious for you and wanting you to return to the faith. He may try to persuade you to talk to church leaders to allay your doubts. But you are being honest with him. You do not need to speak to anyone or attend any church meetings if you don't want to. I could forsee a problem if the church culture is such that non believers or "backslidden" believers are seen as sinners who will end up in hell, and if this is what your children are also taught they will find it scary and upsetting if mummy is now a non believer. Its for him to work out how to approach that with them. You said he wouldnt have married you if you had been an atheist, but maybe your faith has always been less certain than his. Being in a very dogmatic belief system has crystallised your doubts. In my view God accepts us all as we are, and Jesus showed this by his attitude to "sinners" in his day. I think there is a way forward in mutual love, respect and compromise if you are both able to do this.

OliveToboogie · 13/01/2022 21:23

I'm a Cholic Christian my partner is an an Atheist. We respect each others beliefs. We don't have children. My 2 are DD 23 and DS17 neither of them have religious beliefs. My partner is one of the kindness most moral spiritual people I know and I definitely respect him. Doesn't have to be all or nothing. Give him time you have dropped a bombshell and already talking about splitting. Very unfair on him.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2022 21:43

@TeacupDrama

But it's you that have changed not your DH you knew this when you married presumably at that point you were in it together a for raising your kids as christians . Everyone is entitled to change their mind but they are not entitled to demand other people change their minds too. You will have to Co parent whatever and it's reasonable that your kids have their fathers views taken into account. Your view doesn't supercede his, on any aspect religion schooling clubs etc

It does if he's presenting faith as fact when it's not - Creationism for example

Wreath21 · 13/01/2022 22:00

At the very least, OP can and should teach the children that different people believe different things, and that while we should always be reasonably polite to people who have different beliefs it's fine to be aware that those beliefs are utter nonsense. If the H is trying to insist the DC be taught that only his imaginary friend is real and that everyone else is wrong, that's going to cause them all sorts of problems - with their schoolfriends, with the neighbours etc. And excessive superstition, particularly the Christian flavour, invariably features misogyny, sexual dysfunction, homophobia and, if you're lucky, a nice splash of racism or anti-semitism on top.

fionnthedog · 13/01/2022 22:17

This has been a really interesting thread, and OP I agree that this is a difficult situation for both you and your DH. My DH and I are both Christians and, whilst I hope we don’t conform to some of the stereotypes upthread, it does mean we are broadly on the same page in terms of what we say to the DC about God / heaven / Jesus / church etc. in that we teach them that as our faith and we hope and pray they’ll choose to own it for themselves one day but will love and support them regardless. We talk lots about other faiths and those with no faith, always as positively as we can but fundamentally they know we’re a Christian family.

Clearly if one of us lost our faith, or whatever words you want to use about that, it would mean a change in that dynamic and so I can see it being hard for both OP and her DH. As others have said, assuming this has been a gradual thing for the OP, then she has had a lot of time to get used to the change in her and DH will similarly need some time to process it, and to accept it. And I can understand him finding that process hard, and wanting to be sure that you’re sure - which absolutely doesn’t give him any right to pressure you or try to change your mind, but I suppose if it were me I might ask my DH whether he wanted to come to church occasionally just to see, and nothing would stop me praying for him.

I have known couples where this has happened and they have ended up splitting up - but in both of these cases, the loss of faith was part of a wider set of issues facing the marriage so it’s difficult to know whether the change in views on religion / faith / church on its own would’ve ended the marriage or not. That’s something only you can know I guess, OP - whether this is part of a wider dissatisfaction with your DH / marriage or not.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful, sorry if not!

ZaphodDent · 13/01/2022 23:04

OP I massively sympathise with you. Some commenting here have no experience of what it's like to live with a committed Christian, or to move away from that belief system towards atheism.

I grew up in an evangelical environment but in my late thirties I had a similar change of mind to the one you've had. I found that it was quite a mentally challenging time, and I had to re-evaluate my view of the world and our place in it.

Actually, I'm really not sure what advice to give. Even the Bible says you shouldn't be unequally yolked and I have to say I understand why. It's definitely going to be tricky. Like you, I cannot cope with Christians making blanket statements as if it's the absolute truth, just because it says it in the Bible, as if the Bible wasn't written by men. I have brought my kids up to question everything they hear.

I guess you are going to need counseling together, for a long time. I really wish you the best of luck.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 13/01/2022 23:13

I became a Christian when dc’s were primary age. Ds(19) is still a practising Christian, but his girlfriend is atheist. Ds(15) I’d probably describe as agnostic - he probably believes in God on some level, but has major issues with organised religion. We all respect what each other believes, although there are some lively debates! So I imagine it comes down to whether you’re both able to deal with that.

TopCatsTopHat · 14/01/2022 07:38

Perhaps have a look at the teachings of the Unitarian church who are essentially christian but the foundation of their faith is that we can never know for sure if God truly 'exists' as faith is about sprituality not facts. But that doesn't mean you can't walk your life guided by the love of God . (I am sure I have mangled that explanation but that's the gist). The Unitarian movement was founded by people who were frustrated with doctrine and the man-made construct of the institution of Church and wanted to live a good life by acting with Love not acting according to rules decided by the head of the church who is a human not God.
Do read up on it though as it might bridge the gap between you and give some food for thought (ignore my terrible description)

bathsh3ba · 14/01/2022 10:54

An awful lot of negative assumptions about the husband are being made on this thread. If my spouse suddenly told me they had changed their mind about something that had been a big part of both of our lives for years, I would need time to adapt. If my spouse then told me they were leaving me because I didn't instantly agree with them, I would call that controlling.

She can leave if she wants. Anyone can leave. But the automatic anti-Christian sentiment on this thread is depressing. If he is following the Bible, part of a caring church and loves his wife, he will let her go if she wants to go but seek to repair the marriage if he can. (That is what the Bible says to do in the event of being married to a non-Christian. Honour the commitment on your side but let them go if they want to.) If he is one of those who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, then his religion isn't the problem.

Gildededge · 15/01/2022 08:43

@saraclara you think it’s nice because you weren’t brought up with it. My parents are evangelical Christians. They are good people, volunteer, help their neighbours. They know how to have fun and don’t preach to people. They also brought me up in a Christian tradition that teaches you that unless you are a Christian you go to hell. You have no idea how damaging that is to children. People think Christianity is harmless because Christians are nice. It’s not as simple as that!

Also for people telling OP it’s sad she has lost her faith have no idea! The joy I felt when I realised I had autonomy over my own life and feelings and didn’t have to follow God anymore was the best day of my life! Stay strong OP. People in the UK have such little understanding of how harmful Christianity is for people in more evangelical traditions.

Flutterflybutterby · 15/01/2022 14:20

My DH and I are (devout) Christians, and if my DH suddenly stopped being Christian I'd be devastated. I don't know what you can do, but I know it must be so difficult for both of you, especially with children involved. I'd definitely not be happy with my DH raising our children to question Christian beliefs... I know people say 'respect each other's opinions' but I'm guessing that these people either aren't religious or have a mild faith which isn't really a big part of their life, and I feel that they're maybe accidentally minimising the severity of your problem. I know it's not as simple as they're implying, when devout Christians are involved, and so I really do feel for you both. My husband and I go to church together, pray together, study the bible together, teach our children about God together. To suddenly have a partner who no longer wants to do these things would be an enormous, unwelcome, upsetting change and honestly I'd be scared for my DH and anxious about our children and bitter that he'd changed... I don't have any suggestions, it sounds really hard, and I'm sorry. I hope you can find God again. If not, well, biblically I suppose if anyone is going to do the leaving it would have to be you, because if he's devout then I imagine he's against divorce. So it sounds like you've got some big decisions to make if you can't find God again. As a Christian, I hope you can, but if not, I wish you all the best and hope you find a solution to this issue

Mischance · 15/01/2022 15:53

I'd definitely not be happy with my DH raising our children to question Christian beliefs - they should and must question everything or there is no point in them having free will. It is not in your gift to take that away from them.

Rybvita · 15/01/2022 16:07

@TeacupDrama

Absolutely this OP @Ha973

bustersword · 15/01/2022 16:11

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pointythings · 15/01/2022 16:31

Raising your children to think there are things that cannot be questioned is very questionable practice indeed.

AlexaShutUp · 15/01/2022 16:39

@Flutterflybutterby

@Flutterflybutterby, genuine question. Why would you be concerned about your dc being raised to question Christianity? Are you not confident that your beliefs would stand up to scrutiny?

If children are not encouraged to question and examine the belief systems of their parents, then that is not faith but brainwashing.

A faith worth having is one that will stand up to any amount of challenge and questioning. The fact that you are scared of this speaks volumes.

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