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Original poster

Mother moved out with baby with in the UK

112 replies

Moonsago · 10/01/2022 13:58

My collegue ( also good friend) has moved out of the house without telling to her husband. He knows where she is but she refuses to come back or have any sort of communication with him.

She is staying in a flat by herself with the child. She refuses to communicate or show the child to the father. She just is astronomically pissed with her H for being an arse and beleives its over. Husband beleives it not and he dosnt beleive he was wrong as he believed everything was rosy and his wife was happy. However, obviously he is wrong and this came as a bitter surprise to him.

Could this become a legal issue as the couple is still married and she just shuts down with the baby?

OP posts:
ZoeTheThornyDevil · 10/01/2022 14:36

@Moonsago

Ok, its a bit of relief that its not kidnap as she is in the UK.

Her H has copy pasted these messages to some of us (4 of us) who used to visit them, so its not just me. He actually wrote it to her but she wont respond.

I will advice her to get a solicitor as she cant go on like this not showing the baby to her H while the guy is sitting on a hot pan ready to burst.

Well, she can actually. It's not necessarily wise, but until a court orders her to make her DC available for access she doesn't have to do a damn thing. If her ex does something regrettable or illegal in the meantime, that's on him. And personally I'm not liking the sound of him at all right now, and am wondering whether she has very valid reasons to keep herself and the baby away.
Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 14:37

You really, really need to KEEP YOUR BEAK OUT. You are not helping. She can go on refusing contact with this dickhead up to and until a court order is in place, and if he 'bursts' then there will be consequences for him, which will serve him right.
She's binned him.
He is dumped.
He has no rights at all over her. Again: for contact with the child he will have to apply via the courts.

stingofthebutterfly · 10/01/2022 14:39

It's not kidnap, but she needs to facilitate a relationship between the baby and his dad. She can't just walk off and cut all contact without being dragged through the courts, which will ultimately mean she has to allow her ex husband contact with his child, regardless. She may as well do this amicably now. It's incredibly selfish of her to deny her child that relationship.

Partyforone · 10/01/2022 14:39

Her H has copy pasted these messages to some of us (4 of us)

Thats a red flag if ever i saw one

LiterallyKnowsBest · 10/01/2022 14:39

It is a little surprising, OP, that you do not say you have strongly discouraged the husband from threatening his wife with words like ‘kidnap’ and ‘social services’. You must be well aware that those things have no relevance whatsoever in this case …

3mealsaday · 10/01/2022 14:40

How old is the baby? Why is the mother not allowing contact? Does she have safety concerns?

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 14:40

@Moonsago

Ok, its a bit of relief that its not kidnap as she is in the UK.

Her H has copy pasted these messages to some of us (4 of us) who used to visit them, so its not just me. He actually wrote it to her but she wont respond.

I will advice her to get a solicitor as she cant go on like this not showing the baby to her H while the guy is sitting on a hot pan ready to burst.

When you say she isn't showing the baby to him - is he wanting a photo to know the baby is safe? Or does showing mean she won't physically let him see the baby?

Legally, he could go through the courts for custody/access. That could take a while though. Is it her your friends with or him? How would she feel if it was the other way round and he left with the baby and refused to talk to him or 'show' her the baby?

Obviously if there's violence/abuse of any kind and it's in the baby's best interest then she is definitely doing the right thing but you haven't mentioned any of that in which case, why is she keeping the baby from him? They don't have to be together for him to see his child.

Regardless of whether he wants to separate or not though, she does so they are separated so it is a custody issue

BoredZelda · 10/01/2022 14:43

So, the H does NOT want to be seperated. Apparently custody only comes into picture if they decide to seperate?

Yeah, I don’t think he gets to make that decision all by himself.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/01/2022 14:43

Why would you advise her that?
You are coming off as a massive drama llama.

If your intention is genuinely to support your friend, ask her what she needs and how you can help her.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/01/2022 14:45

She might not want to be near her ex while he is sending her strange messages about kidnap. She might be highly skilled in assessing risk and damage limitation with this individual. Best thing is for her to be able to work out what to do next in a calm way with supportive people around her.

Him sending those messages to mutual friends is concerning. It is a lot like the sort of alienation technique an abusive man might use.

Blueberryflavour · 10/01/2022 14:45

Why are you even entertaining this man’s bullshit? He is harassing 4 of you in the hope of exerting pressure on his wife, and you think that’s okay? I thought she was your friend? Don’t be his flying monkey block him and focus on supporting her.

LIZS · 10/01/2022 14:47

She has left the relationship as she s entitled to do, with or without his say so. He can apply for access, via mediation or the courts. Does she feel the baby is at risk if she allows him to see him? Agree with pp saying you need to keep out of their exchanges. He is hoping you will intercede or pressure her by copying you in.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/01/2022 14:48

He can't force her to be with him. However he does share parental responsibility with the mother so he needs to seek legal advice and possible take it to court to see the child.

Christinatherabbit · 10/01/2022 14:48

I don't understand. Has there been DV? Heavy alcohol or drug abuse? Is he a threat to the child? If no what on earth gives her the right to stop all contact with the baby? If I have missed something fair enough but if this was the other way round and the father had decided to disappear while the mum was at work and refuse to engage and stop all contact would that be okay? She has absolutely every right to leave but unless the baby is in danger being with his father no right to separate them. No wonder he's angry and getting desperate. You say he was clueless there was even an issue so she hadn't even given him a chance to talk things through or work out an arrangement.

Original poster
Moonsago · 10/01/2022 14:50

I have not responded to my friends H either. Just seen the messages. We ( me and my friend )work remote so I dont see my friend in person but I will let her know that she needs a solicitor and that her H miiight end up at her door ( that is what he implied in his messages)

Like the pp said there is only so much we can do. I did not live my friend's life so I dont know all of it.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/01/2022 14:51

I wonder what the comments would be on here of the DH left taking the child with him, and didn't communicate.

(Obviously I'm not passing judgement on either party in this OP, but it did just strike me that one half of a couple can suddenly be parted from their child, and it's fine, but if it's the other half it would be seen as a nightmare for the bereft parent.)

saraclara · 10/01/2022 14:52

ah...@Christinatherabbit beat me to it.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/01/2022 14:52

If he turns up at her door and is causing a breach of the peace she is well within her rights to call the police. They might not do much but he would likely go away.

You shouldn't be encouraging her to give him whatever he wants in case his behaviour becomes worse.

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 14:52

@Christinatherabbit

I don't understand. Has there been DV? Heavy alcohol or drug abuse? Is he a threat to the child? If no what on earth gives her the right to stop all contact with the baby? If I have missed something fair enough but if this was the other way round and the father had decided to disappear while the mum was at work and refuse to engage and stop all contact would that be okay? She has absolutely every right to leave but unless the baby is in danger being with his father no right to separate them. No wonder he's angry and getting desperate. You say he was clueless there was even an issue so she hadn't even given him a chance to talk things through or work out an arrangement.
There may well have been, but the man isn't going to own up to it while he's trying to rope in everyone he knows to harass his ex wife into obeying him. The OP doesn't know how dangerous this man is and you certainly don't. It's quite likely that he is abusive at least - abuse is depressingly common and unfortunately courts are often a bit too keen to allow abusive men to see their children if they whine and kick up enough. Oh, and abusers are always 'clueless there was an issue'. They're hardly going to tell all the meddling dimwits they are trying to keep on their side that they were abusing and controlling the partner who had the sense to dump them, are they?
saraclara · 10/01/2022 14:56

If a man upped sticks and left with his child, you can bet your life that the mother would be messaging everyone who'd ever known him and doing everything she could to track them down.

(Again, playing devil's advocate to a degree, but it's interesting that everyone's decided that he must be a dreadful person who has no right to try to see his child without getting the courts involved)

Original poster
Moonsago · 10/01/2022 14:57

Ok... I dont know if there was DV but my friend says ( cries :( ) that he is extremely controlling and make her walk on egg shells 24/7. Judges her and wont just treat her like a human with feelings.

She is sad that he will do the same to the son.
She wants to prove that he wont be a great father so that she can just live seperately with the child.

I dont know the legalities about it but she also recorded him yelling at her while she was just trying to reason with him. I do agree it wasnt pleasant. The H dosnt know she has the recordings.

I think like pp said she isnt ready to start proceeding herself with all the proof she has but just taking a break from him and his micro management now.

All I was worried was if she could have a case on her but that seems to be unlikely, so .. thats a relief.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/01/2022 15:00

Being controlling is domestic abuse.

So it sounds like you do know.

That sounds horrible for her and she is very brave to leave.

What he is doing is typical for abusers. Everyone he is messaging is meant to pressure her to give in to him. It's really hard to ignore that kind of pressure.

Women's aid would be there to support her and they can sometimes help with legal advocacy depending on funding in the area. There is a national helpline she can call.

TeaStory · 10/01/2022 15:00

He sounds really scary.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 10/01/2022 15:00

There are times for a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" approach, and also times when gender and context matters. Abusive controlling men are very common, and this man's manipulation and possessive approach are pinging my radars pretty hard. Maybe he's just a genuine heartbroken dad acting unwisely out of desperation. But then again maybe not. And I've never known a dad leave a relationship abruptly and take the child/children, whereas I've seen many many scenarios where a mother has done so and it's usually because she's terrified of the man.

The practical upshot is in any case the same; the parent cut off from access needs to start the process of re-establishing it through the courts.

heldinadream · 10/01/2022 15:00

You should tell your friend that her ex-h is sending out copies of messages to her friends/colleagues. She deserves to know this. He doesn't sound like husband of the year, tbh.