Staying for practical reasons when the love has gone

[Franklyfrost]

Anyone done this for years and had a happy ending? I’m talking about staying together until the kids are older or your someone’s health is better or you get a promotion and trying to be as kind and polite as possible along the way. The relationship is dead, he’s not the person I thought he was. Any tips for how to stick it out? Or things to avoid? I know various couples who seem to not like each other but you can’t really ask how they manage to tolerate their situation.

I’m not leaving now, so that advice isn’t helpful. :)

I think you row less when you care less if that's any help.

Yes, we’ve stopped fighting completely because I know he will never listen or understand.

It’s difficult to be pleasant. The best I can do is mostly ignore him which isn’t great. I don’t want to have to pretend in my own home but also don’t want to be mean, so it would be nice if I could reach a point where I genuinely want to make some small talk. I’m hoping it will settle down into something bearable. It’s only in the last few months I’ve realised it’s never going to work.

An affair helps, gives you the things you are missing and makes you happier I think, if you find the right person and balance.

How old will your children need to be before you leave this dead relationship?. Are you basically suggesting that you are staying really for your own sake rather than theirs because it’s somehow easier?. If you’ve come to realise this relationship is never going to work surely it’s better for all parties to call it a day now rather than at some indeterminate point in future. Consider also what you are also teaching your children about relationships, is this really the role model you want to impart to them?.

I can see why an affair would help both in filling the gaps plus the guilt and happiness might make me superficially kinder at home. But I’m not sure I have it in me as ultimately it’s cruel. Maybe if he did first.

I’m fine with teaching my children knowing that sometimes you stick with it in the short term for a long term goal. I’m hoping we will all have a settled and pleasant home life.

Is the "staying together" a mutual decision that you've both discussed? Or is it just you deciding to throw the towel in and keep quiet about the marriage being over?

@Franklyfrost

I’m fine with teaching my children knowing that sometimes you stick with it in the short term for a long term goal. I’m hoping we will all have a settled and pleasant home life.

But you obviously don't, as you said 'It's difficult to be pleasant'. The best you can do is ignore him.

I was the child in this scenario and it is shit. Miserable. Neither my sister or I have made lasting relationships- maybe this is a part of why?

Separate bedrooms and lounges if you can.

What are you really sticking with here if your marriage is dead?

I sadly doubt a settled and pleasant home life will happen if your marriage is dead. You and he will merely become more resentful of each other’s presence and your children will pick up on all the interactions, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.. Your long term goal of not leaving till the children are older (when they’re potentially off to university?) is one that you could certainly come to regret making for them as well as you. They won’t in all likelihood say thanks mum for doing that to them, they could call you daft for staying so long and could accuse you of putting him before them.

If your children as adults were in such a marriage would you be advising them to stay for the supposed sake of their children?.

We’ve discussed it. If I mention feeling anything is not okay he says it’s fine and that I’m complaining and being controlling. I’ve suggested cancelling, date nights, discussion and have been explicit about my feelings.

@FindingMeno

I think you row less when you care less if that's any help.

I agree. I find checking out helps. I’m not interested in where he’s going or when he’ll be back. Make sure any joint accounts can’t have an overdraft or loan on them. Get your own account with any wages and child benefit paid into it.

@AmandaHoldensLips

Is the "staying together" a mutual decision that you've both discussed? Or is it just you deciding to throw the towel in and keep quiet about the marriage being over?

Yes, is he aware this is happening?

I’ve also changed my will so it all goes to my kids.
If you own your home make sure you do that thing (tenants in common ?) so that you both own 50% and your half doesn’t automatically go to him.

@AmandaHoldensLips
Forgot to tag you in my reply.

Your children will certainly notice the lack of overall love, care, respect and attention you show teach other. They will certainly notice you to all intents and purposes both leading separate lives with separate bedrooms and such like.

Staying within this is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. I feel also for your children being shown such a poor relationship model for them to potentially emulate as adults. This is no legacy to be leaving them.

@GoodnightGrandma
Good points, thanks. We’re not married and have kept finances separate which helps.

Growing up in a home where two parents cannot show basic affection and respect for each other is utterly miserable, regardless of how good a front you put on.

My advice would be, don't.

Are you reliant on him financially?

You might have decided it's convenient to stay, but what if he ups and leaves, can you make yourself as ready as possible?

My parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and for practicality, we noticed, I am now 23 and they’re divorcing it is bitter nasty and very very upsetting, with one parents that I live with constantly talking badly about the other and saying I should hate them. So much worse than if we were kids and you ‘pretend’ to like each other at handover. I am mentally damaged in my own relationships and life, please don’t drag it out any longer than you have to.

The OP has said they aren’t leaving now.

Neither of us wants to leave and I think the whole household would be happier together for the next few years. Once the kids are all settled in secondary school and our careers are stable then I’d like to reassess the situation. Living the rest of my life with no adult to love and be loved by is too sad to commit to right now. But maybe it gets better and this is a compromise others have chosen to make.

I’m not dependant on him financially but it would be tough if he left. I don’t think he’d leave unless he met someone else.

@Franklyfrost

I’m fine with teaching my children knowing that sometimes you stick with it in the short term for a long term goal. I’m hoping we will all have a settled and pleasant home life.

What long term goal would that be? What kind of "happy ending" do you envisage?

@MintJulia Yep, that was my childhood too.

@Franklyfrost You aren't showing your children how to stick to something to obtain a short-term goal, you are showing your children how to live a lie. My mother did that, then expected her children to be grateful for her being a martyr.

@Helpiveruinedmyhair I was 21 when my father finally left for good. My mother did the same, expected myself and my two brothers to hate our father, used us as pawns. That was 32 years ago, she still bad mouths him at every opportunity. I've been low contact with her for over 20 years.

*long-term goal