Staying for practical reasons when the love has gone

[Franklyfrost]

Anyone done this for years and had a happy ending? I’m talking about staying together until the kids are older or your someone’s health is better or you get a promotion and trying to be as kind and polite as possible along the way. The relationship is dead, he’s not the person I thought he was. Any tips for how to stick it out? Or things to avoid? I know various couples who seem to not like each other but you can’t really ask how they manage to tolerate their situation.

I’m not leaving now, so that advice isn’t helpful. :)

@GlamorousHeifer

I have seen the product of my relative's separation from her husband. The children are absolute wrecks. The split is very amicable, they still have family days out and it couldn't be anymore picture perfect. Her children just haven't had the capacity to cope. They are doing poorly in school and are medicated for anxiety. They haven't even been introduced to new partners yet. I would urge any couple, capable of staying together (without arguing and fighting obviously) to think about it. Splitting isn't always best for children.

"Picture perfect" in the sense that the superficial appearance they're putting on for the outside world clearly does not reflect the efficacy with which the parents are actually handling it behind the scenes if the children need to be medicated to cope.

Based on the children I've seen adjusting to parents separating, your scenario is abnormal and not representative of the impact when parents communicate clearly and effectively - backing up words with their behaviour.

Family days out just sound like they'd send mixed messages and drive anxiety.

I'm sure you aren't alone, OP. Many people settle.

I realised my DH can't give me the emotional support I need. I get it elsewhere. Can't give me the sex life I'd like. I go without.

What he can give me is security, stability, loyalty. He's good company, in situations where he's comfortable.

Think of Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice. She encourages her husband to spend lots of time at his hobbies, out in the garden.

Basically find the situations where you do work well together and do get on, and organise life around those. The areas which don't work for you, arrange to do differently. Maybe you are great together when you are with friends- do that a lot. Maybe you are great together when you are at home and not having to socialise- so go out separately. Maybe you are great coparents- do lots together as a family. If he hates being at home and loves running and cycling, encourage him to run and cycle at a time that suits you and take the kids with him.

Hey op. I have found myself teetering on the edge of your situ. I found a similar thread and a point made by another poster really stuck with me. She ‘stayed’ for 5 years after realising the intimacy was gone. It was tough but worth it. She used her time to become as financially stable as she could during those 5 years, saw her youngest through secondary school and, by this point, her husband was beyond the age of wanting to have more children, meaning that potential complications associated with step-siblings for her children was unlikely. I thought that was pretty shrewd.

OP, are they biologically his kids or is he more a step-dad? Think this would make a difference to the outcome.