Staying for practical reasons when the love has gone

[Franklyfrost]

Anyone done this for years and had a happy ending? I’m talking about staying together until the kids are older or your someone’s health is better or you get a promotion and trying to be as kind and polite as possible along the way. The relationship is dead, he’s not the person I thought he was. Any tips for how to stick it out? Or things to avoid? I know various couples who seem to not like each other but you can’t really ask how they manage to tolerate their situation.

I’m not leaving now, so that advice isn’t helpful. :)

@Franklyfrost

Neither of us wants to leave and I think the whole household would be happier together for the next few years. Once the kids are all settled in secondary school and our careers are stable then I’d like to reassess the situation. Living the rest of my life with no adult to love and be loved by is too sad to commit to right now. But maybe it gets better and this is a compromise others have chosen to make.

I’m not dependant on him financially but it would be tough if he left. I don’t think he’d leave unless he met someone else.

Ok, so you don't actually have a goal so much as moving goal posts?

This isn't about achieving something in the future it's about avoiding something in the present?

No one is suggesting she leaves now and orb this minute but to choose to stay for some indeterminate time ie till the kids are older (how old?) is kicking the can down the road and a decision she could well come to rue ever making. Divorce is not failure here , living in such unhappiness is. Both people here need to remember that their decisions will undoubtedly impact their children too, they pick up on a lot more than many people care to realise.

I don't know of anyone who has done this for years with a happy ending, no.

I know lots who have attempted this and badly messed up their children emotionally though perhaps moreso than coparenting amicably would have done.

I know you're not leaving now. But you should soon. If not for your sake, for the sake of the kids who really stand to gain nothing positive from this.

You are really kicking that can down the road. This is about you and your needs rather than your children as it’s for your sake that you’re staying because you think it’s somehow “easier”.

And when they are in secondary school you’ll be that much older and worn down by the sheer amount of effort you’ve expended on staying. There will be some reason even then for you staying. There is never a good time to leave but I would urge you to rip the plaster off long before they get to secondary school.

I’m not planning on bad mouthing my partner or living a lie. It’s sad some people had difficult childhoods but it’s not a compelling reason for me to leave. I think those childhoods might well have also have been difficult if the parents had split.

I’m surprised no one has replied saying they did this or are doing it. Surely lots of relationships don’t have hope but do have practical ties. Maybe not!

I’m not sure what my end goal is. To keep everyone happy? To have a bit more head space and stability before making major decisions, life is very busy right now for various reasons which should in time settle down.

I can assure you my childhood was difficult because my parents DID stay together. My mother came from a very wealthy family who would have been very supportive if she'd left my father...as she should have done, when he attempted to dump us all on the other side of the world when I was 12 - he tried to trick my mother to take myself and my two brothers back to our home country, on the understanding he would follow when his visa arrived. He'd actually arranged accommodation for himself, and had lied about giving notice on his job. Even though she found out about his plan at the time (literally at the last moment), she was still stupid enough to stay with him. He left her for another woman in the end anyway.

I much preferred it when my father was working abroad. My mother became a very unlikeable person when she had to interact with him for any length of time.

You may not be planning on bad mouthing him but there is nothing you could do to prevent him doing that to you and in front of them. You will also be teaching your children that your relationship with their dad was based on a lie and that places a heavy burden upon them. I am often reminded of the truism in such threads that it is better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Surely you would want better for them?. You’re also showing them by example that a happy, loving and respectful relationship, let alone marriage, is not their birthright.

Keeping everyone else happy often comes at a cost to the person trying, and ultimately failing, to do this. You remain unhappy and resentful that you are in that position, it’s a form of martyring yourself. No amount of material things or money helps take that away.

@noirchatsdeux

That’s not logical. Your parents had issues above and beyond them staying together. No one will be dumping anyone on the other side of the world, yet alone a child. There’s no comparison.

I’m not planning on living a life of misery. Just living with someone who I once loved. People live with housemates or even strangers without being unhappy. Neither of us are monsters.

I am doing it. I have a young child and know they will be devastated if we split. We fight much less than when I was in love and indeed live like housemates. I don't think I want to go without adult love forever but am ok leaving like this for now.

A question- not to OP.

My partner was in a very conflictual relationship- lots of fighting, DV, interspersed with periods of “cold war”.
The children were fine; it’s only later / now, 3-4 years later, that they’re teenagers, that they’re having problems..
So it would seem that the relationship issues didn’t affect them? If anything maybe the break up did??

@Franklyfrost

I’m surprised no one has replied saying they did this or are doing it. Surely lots of relationships don’t have hope but do have practical ties. Maybe not!

I’m not sure what my end goal is. To keep everyone happy? To have a bit more head space and stability before making major decisions, life is very busy right now for various reasons which should in time settle down.

On the contrary I think lots don't have hope and do have practical ties - these are the ones that end in affairs - the staying together for the kids ones are the absolutely cliche affair fodder, which you might well believe would be better for both of you (affairs thats it) but I guarantee it wouldn't work out so great for children to be in the middle of.

If you do hear from a couple who have managed it on here, amicably, I'd be very very surprised.

I have no experience of this but I imagine approaching it as a “housemates” situation might help. You don’t have to agree with him, want to be best friends, or spend lots of time together, but you could co-exist companionably maybe- split bills, share the domestic chores and the odd cup of tea.

The only issue might be the kids- how is the division of labour there? Does he pull his weight? If not I would probably end up just imagining I was a loan parent if avoiding resentment is the priority. Would family holidays be on the agenda? Again, might be tricky.

Of course it’s not ideal but I can imagine where you’re coming from. Best of luck with it.

You might not be planning on badmouthing your partner but ultimately it was my mother who chose to stay and in the end my father was so ‘starved of love’ as he put it he had several affairs etc, I’m sure she never planned on badmouthing him to us but it becomes very toxic very quickly, maybe in the short term this will work for you but children are not stupid and realise that mummy and daddy don’t cuddle like their friends parents do and it’s very confusing if not worse like many of us seem to have experienced, it doesn’t model healthy relationships for the future. I know you don’t want to hear that you should split but really honestly in the end that will be the best thing to do

Your own words: It’s difficult to be pleasant. The best I can do is mostly ignore him which isn’t great. I don’t want to have to pretend in my own home but also don’t want to be mean, so it would be nice if I could reach a point where I genuinely want to make some small talk. I’m hoping it will settle down into something bearable

Unless your kids are deaf, dumb and blind, they will be picking up on this, believe me. And 'pretending' is still 'lying'.

Never, ever stay together for the children.

They will not thank you for it, and you'll have wasted a chunk of your life.

This sounds like a very unhappy situation OP.

If you need to stay under the same roof for financial reasons while being separated, then I think you need to agree you are doing that, and tell the kids that you are living together as co-parenting partners but not as a couple.

You aren’t finding people who do it because it’s an odd thing to do, it will get more poisonous, and your kids won’t thank you.

I wish you well with this. I am 57 and a product of my parents staying together for the kids. Separate rooms, no love or affection seen. No cuddles on the sofa witnessed, going out together, loving affection in the home. It has affected me in all my later relationships. They were like housemates and I have struggled with relationships as I didn't know what a loving, healthy relationship was supposed to be. It has taken me a lot of therapy and broken and bad relationships to learn about what its about. You seem to be living in fairy land thinking this is just so wonderful to live in a state of room mates. One of you will meet someone who rocks your boat then the hell you have tried to avoid by being nice and stay for the kids will break out. Best to just leave and get on with your lives separately.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Divorce is not failure here , living in such unhappiness is

This, 100%. Choosing to live in an unhappy situation is not the better, easier or wiser option, for anyone involved, although apparently it often seems like it is.

I think your best bet is to concentrate on making yourself as happy, fulfilled and “ready” as you can be. Build the friendships, get the promotion, get the finances in order- make yourself as happy and ready as you can be?

Oh god just get out.

I stayed years longer than I should have and everyone, including the children, is much happier now we are divorced.

@Somebodylikeyew

I think your best bet is to concentrate on making yourself as happy, fulfilled and “ready” as you can be. Build the friendships, get the promotion, get the finances in order- make yourself as happy and ready as you can be?

This is sort of the plan. Maybe once those things are better I won’t need to leave. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll necessarily be able to make the leap of faith to love anyone else now this relationship has failed.

The only way I could see this working is if you can find a place of mutual respect and friendship between the two of you.

Your kids will absolutely notice if there is no affection, care or interaction between their parents. It won’t go unnoticed and they will know their parents barely tolerate each other. That won’t be a pleasant realisation for them.

For what it’s worth, my DP have talked about this type of thing, I don’t think your wrong for wanting to protect this family bubble the kids are still in whilst they’re young.

If I were you then I’d be sitting down with DP and talking through the plans and looking to get some couples counselling - not to reconcile but to navigate the split as amicably as possible.
You loved this person once - enough to make a life and family with him. Surely there is something inside of him (and you) that would allow you to get to a place of mutual respect and care?

It I couldn’t get DP to agree to this route then I really would try to leave sooner rather than later. If it’s going to be a stilted, borderline toxic environment I’d want my kids out of it as soon as possible