Staying for practical reasons when the love has gone

[Franklyfrost]

Anyone done this for years and had a happy ending? I’m talking about staying together until the kids are older or your someone’s health is better or you get a promotion and trying to be as kind and polite as possible along the way. The relationship is dead, he’s not the person I thought he was. Any tips for how to stick it out? Or things to avoid? I know various couples who seem to not like each other but you can’t really ask how they manage to tolerate their situation.

I’m not leaving now, so that advice isn’t helpful. :)

You sound massively in denial. You've outright said "the relationship is dead, he's not who I thought he was" and yet you think that a promotion or a different hobby or something might make it all better?

The reason why you've not been inundated with anecdotes of people who have successfully done what you're proposing is because it doesn't really happen. What you have had though is multiple people tell you that as the child of parents who stuck it out "for them" and who grew up in a loveless house with no positive relationship modelling is that it has left lasting damage which impacts their adult lives and relationships.

Leaving doesn't mean you've failed or that your marriage was a waste. What it does mean is that you have the strength to make a decisive move towards living a better life, which will in the long run benefit both you and your children, rather than this limbo of drudgery that you're contemplating.

It is possible OP but you have to be on the same page.

I do this but we agreed it after years of “trying” and “making the effort” We have a nice house, a nice life, we like each other as people but we don’t have any sexual connection any longer and neither of us want one with the other.

We have a very peaceful existence and a blind eye approach which seems to work. We are kind to each other and do things as a family including enjoying holidays etc.

We are probably somewhere between an agreed sexless relationship/living as friends to let’s see what happens when our children get to university stage. That is in around 5 years so not that long and we have been like this for the last couple.

We do this as both came from divorced parents and to be honest there are two sides to the “it will harm the kids/not do them any favours”. I was harmed mentally by being exposed to my mothers endless boyfriends and unsuitable choices. Going from a big family home with my own room to a small house in a rough area and having to share with my sister was not my idea of a great result!

Your situation sounds different though OP as he is not in agreement so I don’t think it will work unless you discuss and agree the way it will all work.

My now XH and l were both unhappy for years. Neither of us would have left as there was no need too. We lived pretty much seperate lives, separate bedrooms.

We still did family things like days out etc.

He then met OW and left. Once l realised l could cope financially, l was very pleased to see him leave.

We co-parent well and the OW... now his wife, is really nice.

We just didn't have a "reason" to split

Maybe there are reasons that mean you’re stuck and can’t escape but don’t stay together for the children. Demonstrating loveless relationship, especially if lying and cheating become part of it all, will ruin them. Demonstrating mature, normalised decision to seek happiness in life but still give them security and ‘family’ - which is more than doable after divorce - would be so much better for them, often.

I’m in the same situation OP. I understand completely. I’m watching the thread to get tips too. So far I’ve found making lists on things I’d like to do each day, even small things helps - today it was going for a lovely dog walk with my boys. I’m struggling to sleep at night though. It’s so hard! Sending love to you x

@Evergreenonly

Thanks for making me feel less alone! I am sad right now and I also can’t sleep. I was hoping that people would respond and say they’ve been doing it for a few years and it gets easier, but apparently everyone’s happy in their relationships, which I suppose is a good thing overall.

I don't have experience of this but I'd imagine there's no "happy ending" here unless both you and your DH are on the same page and you both want to make a platonic relationship where you have your own lives too work. If you're doing it without him then that's hugely unfair on him but also surely doomed to be unhappy? Could a counsellor help you figure out a way forward?

I think staying together when you have fallen out of love but are still amicable “best friends” is one thing (probably won’t survive one half of the couple meeting somebody else, but would probably work ok in the short term).

In your case, you seem to actively detest each other. That isn’t “staying together when the love has gone”, it is putting two rats together in a sack. Hugely damaging.

@Franklyfrost it’s ok, I could of written your post so you aren’t alone. I thought some people might of said that too - never mind. I’m hoping I can find a way to get some better sleep this week & then hopefully it will be easier & things will seem better. I’m happy to swap tips & support if you want to - just drop me a message. Lots of love x

I know it isn’t what you want to hear but if you don’t like and respect one another and can’t have a friendly relationship it is damaging for the kids. Been there.

They will notice the coldness disrespect and the inability to resolve differences in healthy way and I don’t imagine you will be explaining it to them in honest detail so they won’t even have the proper context to understand it from. It’s not protecting them.

Would be different if you were friendly and liked one another but no longer ‘in love’, but this is modelling harmful behaviour. Sorry you are having a miserable time

No, you’re not alone.

You're not alone and I have many friends in similar situations. Long standing AP makes life better and bearable.

Thank you for those making me feel less alone. I’ll give it a go and keep a close eye out for all the negative repercussions could arise for the kids and myself. We’re sharing a bed, although separate duvets and I have a bolster pillow for hugs . Every so often we have sex or are affectionate but it’s getting harder to do although we both need human contact.

[quote Franklyfrost]@Evergreenonly

Thanks for making me feel less alone! I am sad right now and I also can’t sleep. I was hoping that people would respond and say they’ve been doing it for a few years and it gets easier, but apparently everyone’s happy in their relationships, which I suppose is a good thing overall.[/quote]

They might be now, but they may not have always been.

My first marriage ended and it took a monumental amount of energy and headspace to take that first step and end it. There was nothing left to stay for. Life was eventually happier and calmer and I found someone who loved me and I loved back. With the benefit of hindsight I am so glad that my daughter is growing up seeing me in a happy relationship being loved and cared for.

I am . I hate it but I have no choice.

I am jealous of people who want to leave and they do. I blame myslef not to have worked to keepmy choices and used them all up towards H.

I have become hopeless as long as H is concerened but also in a wierd way more 'settled' as a result of this . I am slowly working towards moving out as a long term goal ( atleast by mid 50s) and I am wholehearted invested in children and greatful for what is going ok in my life.

I realised that if I keep myself sad due to H , I am inturn becoming a quarter mother due to the bitterness. So I want to be as peaceful as possible for my sake and theirs.

I am in the same predicament. We don’t have any intimacy and live as housemates effectively. We have an only dc. She is very happy at the moment and I worry that splitting up will affect her badly. I also worry she won’t want to go to DH house on her own, which will cause friction. I feel like splitting up is selfish at the moment but know someone whose parents split up when he reached 18 and he felt his whole childhood was a lie so hard to know what to do.

I had a situation where we were both good people, decent people who got along well and lived together amicably, did a good job of raising children together, but weren't "in love" for a long time.

I do think that where possible, there's sense in staying together while children grow up, I think it's a myth that children are happier with happy parents, unless the parents are very obviously in a desperately poor relationship and I would never have been brave enough to leave, it was "OK".

However, DH died last year and one of the saddest things to think about is the half life he lived during his final years, rather than going off and finding someone to live and love properly with. I think during child rearing there are sacrifices to be made after that grab life and live it properly.

@Zuma76 how old is she?

@Helpiveruinedmyhair

My parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and for practicality, we noticed, I am now 23 and they’re divorcing it is bitter nasty and very very upsetting, with one parents that I live with constantly talking badly about the other and saying I should hate them. So much worse than if we were kids and you ‘pretend’ to like each other at handover. I am mentally damaged in my own relationships and life, please don’t drag it out any longer than you have to.

But unlike a young child, as a grown adult woman you can just move out...why on earth are you still living there! @Helpiveruinedmyhair

Divorce is even more damaging for a child who will face a childhood being dragged between two homes , and no way of escaping having a parent badmouthing the other to them. If your parents are like that, theyd be even worse if you're an impressionable child. ..there's no way they'd be pretending to like each other at any handover.

@Franklyfrost

I’m surprised no one has replied saying they did this or are doing it. Surely lots of relationships don’t have hope but do have practical ties. Maybe not!

I’m not sure what my end goal is. To keep everyone happy? To have a bit more head space and stability before making major decisions, life is very busy right now for various reasons which should in time settle down.

@Franklyfrost of course many many parents do do this because a divorce, amicable or not, is the permanent destruction of the family unit so naturally has the biggest impact on children. However mumsnet is full of people encouraging others to divorce at any opportunity. So even if you explicitly said in your OP you don't want to split up now, as you've seen, many posters will disrespect your right to make your own choices and plough into trying to get you to divorce despite not knowing who you even are.

@Brakken

They didn’t ‘pretend’ to like each other living in the same home either so that’s rather moot, if the OP truly feels she can cohabitate with her partner best of luck to her it’s just not my experience.

FYI I can’t move out because I’m paying my mother £500 a month rent and some of her bills on top as well as paying back a £300 a month student loan so I simply cannot afford it so let’s keep our emojis under control there! It’s not hard to imagine that young adults struggle to afford their own place :)

@daisyjgrey. She is 7.

I did this for a year whilst my child finished A levels
I naively thought that Ex-H would work towards a harmonious household for the year. Lasted about a week
He was awful. Did nt come home some nights. I m lying to our child that he's away on business when I have no idea where he is. Absolutely fucked with my mind and yet he felt he owed me no explanations
I could not have done this for a day longer
Good luck

Very difficult situation and I'm sure you are far from being alone OP. I know conventional wisdom seems to be that divorce / separate homes is preferable for the children but I'm not convinced that is always the case. Reading all the posts on Mumsnet of debates about who has children when, who does what with them, arguments about holidays and everything else - children having to live in two separate houses - I have no doubt that this may well be the best in some cases but I can't believe it is always better. I'm fairly sure I would have preferred to live in a polite and "loveless" home than have to shuttle between two houses and endure endless debates about who had me when. Again to restate I do fully understand separation is absolutely the right thjng for lots of families. Just not sure it's right in all cases.

I have seen the product of my relative's separation from her husband. The children are absolute wrecks.
The split is very amicable, they still have family days out and it couldn't be anymore picture perfect. Her children just haven't had the capacity to cope.
They are doing poorly in school and are medicated for anxiety. They haven't even been introduced to new partners yet.
I would urge any couple, capable of staying together (without arguing and fighting obviously) to think about it.
Splitting isn't always best for children.