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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Changed my mind about him moving in

96 replies

WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 07:53

I asked my boyfriend to move in with me and my dd. He’s always here anyway, and has sort of moved himself in over the past couple of months. Last night he started changing his addresses on things (he lived with his mum before) and I just felt a surge of panic and anxiety. So I told him that it didn’t feel right. He got sulky and said he felt sick Hmm.

I know I was wrong to mess him around but I feel as though he’s pushed the living situation on me anyway.

Was I in the wrong do you think?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2022 07:56

Go with your gut. You have a DC so moving in a boyfriend is a big deal.
And the sulking etc is a big ick.

Nothing stopping him from getting his own place if he doesn’t want to live with mummy anymore

crystalize · 07/01/2022 07:59

Of course you weren't in the wrong. This is your gut telling you its not right. Put a stop to this and don't let a sulky man manipulate you into feeling guilty. Your home should be your sanctuary for you and daughter.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 07/01/2022 08:01

Did you want him to move in?
How did he move himself in without you saying something if you weren't happy?

JackTheHack · 07/01/2022 08:02

Once he has changed address he needs to let the council know he lives there or you could be in trouble. He needs to start paying bills and council tax doesn't he?
But you can change your mind yes

thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 08:09

He's 'sort of ' in, has he? He's pushing his way in?

Listen to your gut. You're clearly not ready for this, or it's not right for you. It's a big step!

And his sulking is really unattractive...

What's the rest of your relationship like? Does he do his fair share of cooking and housework? What about finances?

thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 08:09

Sort of moved in, that should say!

Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 08:10

He had a fall out with his mum and said he didn’t want to go back there. And then he sort of used the fact that I was struggling with my anxiety as a reason to be here all the time.

I like him being here but as a permanent move? I don’t think I’m ready. Or maybe I’m just scared after it’s been me and dd for the past 6 years.

OP posts:
thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 08:10

And you need to think about what YOU want. Say no if he's coming round too much. Take back some control!

Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 08:11

He does his fair share of housework and pays towards bills etc

OP posts:
Freddy12 · 07/01/2022 08:11

You can change your mind
Sulking is a poor reaction, what else does he sulk about if he does not get what he wants ?
Quite a big red flag I think

Unanananana · 07/01/2022 08:12

So he's pushed his way in to yours and your childs home and is now sulking as you have, quite rightly, finally voiced apprehension? Have you stood up for yourself before?

Does he work?
Does he contribute financially?
Does he do his fair share of domestic duty?
Do you want him there?

Or is he expecting you to take up mummy role for him?

Clymene · 07/01/2022 08:12

How long have you been with him?

You don't ever have to let him move in if you don't want him to.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/01/2022 08:13

No. Your gut feeling is that it’s not right.
He needs to spend less time at yours to stop it feeling like his home.
Take back your home.

FlickyCrumble · 07/01/2022 08:13

Trust your gut.
Decide what you want then tell him. If he decides he doesn’t like it then it’s up to him.
Reading between the lines you don’t want to be his ‘get out of mums place person’ you want to be his partner. If he doesn’t stick around you’ll know which one he was/is being.

Unanananana · 07/01/2022 08:15

Cross post.

If you aren't sure, tell him no. Fighting with his mum is no reason to impose yourself on a girlfriend.

GrazingSheep · 07/01/2022 08:15

How old is your dd?
Does she like him?
How long are you with him?

Yummayumma · 07/01/2022 08:15

Well you asked him to move in, and now he is you're saying you don't want him to. I can see why he's a bit pissed off tbh.

Obviously you have to go with what's right for you and your daughter, but your relationship is unlikely to survive this I'd say.

scousemousex · 07/01/2022 08:24

Go with your gut. If you're not ready, say no. Sit down and discuss it after a day or two.

That being said, I think if someone asked me to move in and then changed their mind I'd be a bit upset too, it's hard not to take that personally - rightly or wrongly!! So personally I could forgive a night of being a bit off? Talk about it and discuss your feelings and see how he reacts. If he's still not happy then I would agree, red flag.

I had someone that tried to do this to me too, last year. I ended it. It was WAY too early for me, too much too quickly, lots of love bombing, and basically just wanted out of his mums. Lots of pressure. It was horrible, it made me really anxious.

Be careful OP x

FrancescaContini · 07/01/2022 08:27

No, don’t do it, especially if he sulks - your DD doesn’t need to be exposed to that.

I’m pretty hardcore on not moving partners in to the children’s home. I don’t think that they need to be involved in your romantic relationships. Keep it simple - just you and DD.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 08:28

He got sulky instead of trying to understand when he knows you have anxieties and he's been moving in by stealth.

I'd be upset by your change of mind if I was him to be honest, but throwing a strop because he's a man child who's fallen out with mommy is not the way to go about things.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 07/01/2022 08:29

You’re absolutely entitled to change your mind and he’s entitled to be upset about it.
You say it happened last night I think people saying him sulking is a red flag is a bit OTT. I’d be upset and quite and probably feel sick if my boyfriend had asked me to move in and then changed his mind

Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 08:31

I would feel upset too if it was the other way around. I really wish I hadn’t asked, but by the time I had, it was too late.

I’ve told him that I feel like he’s pushed the situation and that I’m not ready. I apologised for changing my mind as well.

I need to take back some control.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 07/01/2022 08:33

How long have you been together. It's good he pays towards bills. If it doesn't feel right for you tell him. I have a rule of not even talking about moving in until we've been together at least 5 years. Previous boyfriends have respected this.

justustwoandmoo · 07/01/2022 08:33

I had this exact problem a few years ago. Had asked him to move in and things were put in motion but then it just didn't sit right with me. I felt terrible but I had to say something. We put it all on hold and left it another year. We do now live together but I am glad that I followed my instincts and didn't bow to the pressure of feeling bad for changing my mind xx

AlternativePerspective · 07/01/2022 08:35

Neither of you is in the wrong.

You’re entitled to change your mind but he’s not wrong to be upset about it. And IMO being upset doesn’t constitute sulking or a red flag.

If the situation was reversed and you’d posted that he’d asked you to move in and then changed his mind just as you were getting ready to people would be on your side and telling you to question whether this was really a relationship you wanted to stay in with a man who plays games like that.

I’m not saying you’re playing games btw but that’s how it might come across.