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Original poster

Changed my mind about him moving in

96 replies

WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 07:53

I asked my boyfriend to move in with me and my dd. He’s always here anyway, and has sort of moved himself in over the past couple of months. Last night he started changing his addresses on things (he lived with his mum before) and I just felt a surge of panic and anxiety. So I told him that it didn’t feel right. He got sulky and said he felt sick Hmm.

I know I was wrong to mess him around but I feel as though he’s pushed the living situation on me anyway.

Was I in the wrong do you think?

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 07/01/2022 08:36

Follow your gut. Big red flag that he sulked about this - ie laying down guilt and emotional manipulation to get you to relent. You’re allowed to change your mind, and to be honest it doesn’t sound like it was fully your decision in the first place. He can always move in at a later date if you change your mind, however once he’s there it will be very difficult to get rid of him (imagine dealing with him in your house and space if you realised the living arrangements weren’t working. You know it would be a nightmare).

Annaghgloor · 07/01/2022 08:37

I think the situation has been muddied by him imposing himself on you in the first place so that he was essentially living with you. And having a fight with his mother is no reason to move in with a girlfriend.

Prioritise yourself and your daughter, and rethink the relationship. He should move out from his parents’ place and live alone, anyway. Other people don’t owe him a roof over his head.

SilverHairedCat · 07/01/2022 08:40

How long have you been together?

EmmasMum12 · 07/01/2022 08:43

Of course he's disappointed. That's understandable

But how someone deals with disappointment can be a valuable eye opener!

And you choose who you live with. Well done for making the right choice for you and your child

Foreverhope1 · 07/01/2022 08:47

@Annaghgloor

I think the situation has been muddied by him imposing himself on you in the first place so that he was essentially living with you. And having a fight with his mother is no reason to move in with a girlfriend.

Prioritise yourself and your daughter, and rethink the relationship. He should move out from his parents’ place and live alone, anyway. Other people don’t owe him a roof over his head.

Spot on @Annaghgloor
Ninkanink · 07/01/2022 08:48

Your gut is screaming at you that it’s not right. Trust your instinct.

FabulousMrFifty · 07/01/2022 08:52

@AlternativePerspective

Neither of you is in the wrong.

You’re entitled to change your mind but he’s not wrong to be upset about it. And IMO being upset doesn’t constitute sulking or a red flag.

If the situation was reversed and you’d posted that he’d asked you to move in and then changed his mind just as you were getting ready to people would be on your side and telling you to question whether this was really a relationship you wanted to stay in with a man who plays games like that.

I’m not saying you’re playing games btw but that’s how it might come across.

Yep 💯 agree with this, The falling out with his mum thing is a bit silly (how old is he), as others say he should get his own place or rooms really. But also you changing your mind about him moving in might well make him doubt the relationship with you.
FabulousMrFifty · 07/01/2022 09:03

@WildflowerWildfire

He does his fair share of housework and pays towards bills etc
Just noticed this comment, about him paying towards the bills, so I would assume he is spending more than 50% of his time with you and paying towards food, utilities etc. If I in his shoes I would probably be there less, pay less and put that money towards my own place
Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 09:14

He’s been spending literally all his time here for the past couple of months so I told him that I wanted more money, as before he was just buying shopping for meals etc.

We’ve been together for a couple of years but I’ve known him for about 10 years. Dd loves him and he’s great with her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2022 09:22

"We’ve been together for a couple of years but I’ve known him for about 10 years. Dd loves him and he’s great with her".

You do not know him as well as you thought you did. Is he really as great with your DD as you think he is too?. Anyone can be great with a child if they do not have to do the hard graft of actually parenting or teaching them. How can she love him, she barely knows him and what he has done here is to try and move into your place by stealth. Some men actively target single mothers because they think that they are so desperate for a relationship and or male company that they would put up with any old crap.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2022 09:23

As Annaghgloor indeed wrote, "prioritise yourself and your daughter, and rethink the relationship. He should move out from his parents’ place and live alone, anyway. Other people don’t owe him a roof over his head".

ANameChangeAgain · 07/01/2022 09:29

I agree with @AlternativePerspective too.
Perhaps you thought that this was more of a "lets see how it works", and by formalising everything he has made it more permanent than you intended, and you feel rushed?
Its fine at any time to change your mind, but you need firmer boundaries for your sake and for everyone else's, especially your dds.

FabulousMrFifty · 07/01/2022 09:29

He’s been spending literally all his time here for the past couple of months so I told him that I wanted more money, as before he was just buying shopping for meals etc.

I was in his shoes, I’d be pulling back on the time / money / housework/ relationship and do what other people suggest and get my own place

Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 09:32

@ANameChangeAgain that’s exactly how I feel. I agree, I need to work on my boundaries.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 07/01/2022 09:37

Boundaries and control - yes.
Maintain your independence.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 09:37

@WildflowerWildfire

He does his fair share of housework and pays towards bills etc
That does seem a little unfair to be honest. Are you also happy to tell him you no longer want him to pay your bills?
Original poster
WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 09:40

@TinfoilTracey of course I won’t let him pay towards bills if he’s not here as much. I don’t want his money.

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 07/01/2022 09:46

You like having him around so you asked him to move in. He pulls his wieght and contributes towards the bills but you're no happy with his reaction when you told him that you didn't actually mean what you said and he's to find somewhere else to live. OK Hmm

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:06

The messages do seem a little mixed to be fair. I can understand him feeling a little messed about if he's been paying your bills and you asked him to move in then got cold feet as soon as he did as you asked.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 10:16

Has he ever lived on his own and supported himself? How old is he? Maybe your gut is telling you it’s not right as he’s moving out of mums into yours. Personally I’d only live with someone who had lived by themselves for a couple of years. No mum to be back up. How can he know who he truly is or how to see you as a woman and not a mother if he hadn’t had to ever truly only look after himself. Be wary. The fact that when you said to him you had a change of mind that his first response is to say he’s fallen out with mum and doesn’t want to go back there…massive ick…yukk…his first response should have been to go find himself somewhere else to live. Not back with mum. It’s time for him to grow up right? Your gut is telling you this and that somethings not right. Tell him he can move in when he’s lived in his own place either in a house share or by himself for at least 12 months. You’re at risk of being landed with a giant entitled deluded man baby otherwise. Yuk

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:29

But it's ok for a yukky man baby to pay your bills obviously.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 10:37

Well he’s been staying over so only right he should contribute. Not the same as finding somewhere to
live and being by yourself without a woman always being in the background as a support mechanism. He needs to be independent. I’ve got a friend who married a man straight out of mummy’s home. He can’t cope by himself. Be wary. That’s my advice.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 10:43

and yeah actually @TinfoilTracey he is a yukky man baby and the signs are already there. His first response was wah, wah, wah, poor me, I’ll have to move back in with mummy who I’m fighting with. Come on. That’s not exactly the response of a mature independent grown up is it? So what, he paid bills for the stuff he used while he was staying there? He’s still living the life of Riley and being enabled from all sides. He’s not paying a mortgage or any rent anywhere right? How old is he and how long has this gone on for? He’s being kept by both women and has to pay a few bills? What a bloody brilliant deal for him eh?

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:44

Contribute yes ie occasionally buying food etc, but paying the actual bills seems more like a convenience arrangement. I don't know about you but I don't charge my bf for staying over.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 10:45

How old is he OP and how much of his mother’s rent/mortgage has he contributed to so far in his life? Let’s get the full details shall we

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