Page 3 | Changed my mind about him moving in

WildflowerWildfire · 2022-01-07T07:53:39+00:00

I asked my boyfriend to move in with me and my dd. He’s always here anyway, and has sort of moved himself in over the past couple of months. Last night he started changing his addresses on things (he lived with his mum before) and I just felt a surge of panic and anxiety. So I told him that it didn’t feel right. He got sulky and said he felt sick [hmm]. I know I was wrong to mess him around but I feel as though he’s pushed the living situation on me anyway. Was I in the wrong do you think?

IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 10:45

I don't get the "straight from home they are a disaster "thing ...my brother got married straight from home and is the most mature responsible person I know.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:46

@moremoony

and yeah actually *@TinfoilTracey* he is a yukky man baby and the signs are already there. His first response was wah, wah, wah, poor me, I’ll have to move back in with mummy who I’m fighting with. Come on. That’s not exactly the response of a mature independent grown up is it? So what, he paid bills for the stuff he used while he was staying there? He’s still living the life of Riley and being enabled from all sides. He’s not paying a mortgage or any rent anywhere right? How old is he and how long has this gone on for? He’s being kept by both women and has to pay a few bills? What a bloody brilliant deal for him eh?

Crikey the man hating is strong with this one lol

IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 10:46

@WildflowerWildfire

He had a fall out with his mum and said he didn’t want to go back there. And then he sort of used the fact that I was struggling with my anxiety as a reason to be here all the time.

I like him being here but as a permanent move? I don’t think I’m ready. Or maybe I’m just scared after it’s been me and dd for the past 6 years.

He had a fall out with his mum and said he didn’t want to go back there. And then he sort of used the fact that I was struggling with my anxiety as a reason to be here all the time

Not good reasons for moving in together.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:51

Let's not glaze over the fact it isn't just the man here who has benefited from this arrangement. The OP also benefited emotionally and financially. That's an observation not a criticism but it does point toward a co dependant mutual arrangement on both parts in general. In which case my question would be are these healthy dynamics for a relationship at all?

moremoony · 07/01/2022 11:16

and let’s not forget the OP is an ADULT and is entitled to change her mind about anything at any time she wishes. She can change her mind just because there is an R in the month. That is her perogative. Don’t be bullied into doing something you don’t want to do.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 11:33

@moremoony

and let’s not forget the OP is an ADULT and is entitled to change her mind about anything at any time she wishes. She can change her mind just because there is an R in the month. That is her perogative. Don’t be bullied into doing something you don’t want to do.

Nobody has said she can't but the way you went nuclear on slagging the man off when you know no more about the dynamics than the rest of us was a little presumptuous.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 11:37

No. I gave my opinion based on what the OP said was her circumstances and I can express whatever opinion I want thanks.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 11:39

And you are STILL glossing over the fact that up to whatever age he currently is, he’s managed to live rent/mortgage free thanks to the women in his life and yet you’ve berated them OP because he’s paid a few bills. When does he become accountable and start actually paying for his own life?

JasmineGarden · 07/01/2022 11:42

@Unanananana

Cross post.

If you aren't sure, tell him no. Fighting with his mum is no reason to impose yourself on a girlfriend.

But she asked him to move in!

@WildflowerWildfire

I'm not sure you can say 'he just sort of moved in', when YOU asked HIM to move in.

I'd be pretty annoyed if someone asked me to move in, then when I had said they felt uncomfortable with me changing my address!

If you don't want him living there, that's your choice, but the decent thing to do would be to apologise for changing your mind and give him sometime to find somewhere else if he doesn't want to go back to his mums.

Given he was there 'all the time' before, he's no more risk to your DD than he was before.

layladomino · 07/01/2022 11:49

Whatever the why's and wherefores of how you got to this point, the fact is that your gut is telling you not to let him move him, and you have to listen to that. Especially as you have a DC. If he moves in and it doesn't work out it's much more disruptive for everyone. Whereas if you take a step back, and return to dating (with him spending less time there if that's what you want) then in time it might feel like the right thing to do.

Listen when your gut tells you something.

Going more slowly is always better than rushing in to something. If it's right, it will happen in time. If this is enough to break you up, you were probably going to split anyway and it's better it happened before you tied yourselves further together.

BlueBellsArePretty · 07/01/2022 11:51

There was a post a couple of months ago from a woman who was all set to move in with her partner until his teenage daughter changed her mind. Left her in a predicament and she decided the relationship was over. Unfortunately OP you might have to accept that the same will happen.

Anordinarymum · 07/01/2022 11:57

I think when you are thinking about moving in together and something happens to change the dynamic between you both (him falling out with his mother) making you feel uncomfortable about what is happening by way of losing control slightly, or the speed at which it is happening, you need to think hard before going ahead.
There is no harm in waiting is there? If you love this person and he loves you, then it can happen at a later date but not just right now...........
I don't think you ever know someone until you live together, and that is not just the psychical side of it, the eating cleaning cooking side... but also the other side - money and sharing, kindness and meanness !

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2022 12:00

Why would you being anxious mean he needs to stay over more?

You say you’ve been fine just you and your DD for 6 years.

You’ve given completely mixed messages, I’d feel sick in his shoes too. He’s contributing as you’ve asked, agreed to make it official as you asked, then you pull your rug out from under him. And you don’t seem to know why.

He shouldn’t move in if you’ve changed your mind but you’ve handled this really badly and if I was him then relationship would be over.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 12:05

@moremoony

And you are STILL glossing over the fact that up to whatever age he currently is, he’s managed to live rent/mortgage free thanks to the women in his life and yet you’ve berated them OP because he’s paid a few bills. When does he become accountable and start actually paying for his own life?

I haven't berated anyone. Just pointed out the bits your obvious dislike of men prevents you from seeing - that this isn't just about the man's part. Broaden your horizons a little, sometimes it isn't just men who give mixed signals.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 12:09

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why would you being anxious mean he needs to stay over more?

You say you’ve been fine just you and your DD for 6 years.

You’ve given completely mixed messages, I’d feel sick in his shoes too. He’s contributing as you’ve asked, agreed to make it official as you asked, then you pull your rug out from under him. And you don’t seem to know why.

He shouldn’t move in if you’ve changed your mind but you’ve handled this really badly and if I was him then relationship would be over.

There also seems to be a bit of avoidance going on here in that OP puts it all down to bf using her anxiety to move himself in, even though she herself played a pivotal role here. Yes she can change her mind but there are so e very clear mixed signals being given.

Booboobadoo · 07/01/2022 12:15

I think he wants you to be his new mummy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2022 12:48

@TinfoilTracey
If he’s all but been living there but just contributing to bills and some food, this hasn’t benefited op financially. If anything, he’s lived with op unofficially rent free for a fair while so he is the one, who has benefited.

His moving in would simply make the financial set up fairer for op. And she has changed her mind, which is her choice. It’s not as though he gave notice on a rental property and can go home or rent somewhere else. Yes, pissed off. But this is not a drama.

Original poster

WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 15:05

He’s 33 and I’m 31. He certainly hasn’t been paying my bills, he’s been contributing, and rightly so, due to the huge increase in my bills since he’s been staying here and the amount of clothes that get washed, and the nightly baths he has etc. He doesn’t pay any rent to his mother because he’s always at my house.

I agree that I have handled it badly and yes I gave mixed signals. But I’m entitled to change my mind, am I not? I really don’t think this is enough to make him want to end the relationship but if it is then I won’t regret speaking up before it was too late.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 07/01/2022 16:15

If it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it. It will be much harder to get rid of him if you’re having doubts. If he cares enough about you he’ll respect that you don’t want to rush things

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:26

He’s always here anyway, and has sort of moved himself in over the past couple of months.

Ugh, moving in on you by stealth - from his mum's house.
Your feeling of anxiety & panic were well founded: it's your gut telling you he's likely to be an entitled brat, while posing as "concerned about your anxiety".

You did the right thing. Don't feel bad - you & the DC come first, & your mental wellbeing needs to be a priority.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 16:30

Of course you can change your mind. My point is that it is far easier to be clear in your intentions rather than give off conflicting signals. That way you don't need to change your mind because you were clear in the first place. I suppose the key is not to say things you don't feel sure about.

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:33

The OP also benefited emotionally and financially.

Presumably both parties benefitted emotionally, but it's nonsense to suggest OP benefitted financially from her b/f staying over @TinfoilTracey - all he paid was a contribution to the food shopping.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 07/01/2022 16:37

I think that you have every right to change your mind, but you cannot expect him not to react negatively. You have misled him, albeit unintentionally.

I think, realistically, this is the end of the relationship, though. I can’t really see you putting this behind you, from either of your perspectives.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 16:41

@ChargingBuck

The OP also benefited emotionally and financially.

Presumably both parties benefitted emotionally, but it's nonsense to suggest OP benefitted financially from her b/f staying over @TinfoilTracey - all he paid was a contribution to the food shopping.

That's not what she said if you read back. She said he was paying bills.

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:45

She said he was paying bills.

No - she said he was contributing towards bills which were increased due to his staying over all the time.

Which isn't "benefitting financially" in any sense, & I'm not sure why you are so keen to suggest it was @TinfoilTracey