Page 4 | Changed my mind about him moving in

WildflowerWildfire · 2022-01-07T07:53:39+00:00

I asked my boyfriend to move in with me and my dd. He’s always here anyway, and has sort of moved himself in over the past couple of months. Last night he started changing his addresses on things (he lived with his mum before) and I just felt a surge of panic and anxiety. So I told him that it didn’t feel right. He got sulky and said he felt sick [hmm]. I know I was wrong to mess him around but I feel as though he’s pushed the living situation on me anyway. Was I in the wrong do you think?

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 16:49

Talk about splitting hairs..

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2022 16:50

Why can't he get his own place?

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 16:50

I only used that term once by the way. Hardly keen. But crack on anyway 😉

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:59

@TinfoilTracey

I only used that term once by the way. Hardly keen. But crack on anyway 😉

Once was quite enough, given that it was a blatant invention.

RantyAunty · 07/01/2022 17:06

He's 33 years old. He needs to grow up and move out on his own instead of living off the women in his life.

You didn't say why he and his mother fell out a few months out but instead of thinking, I'm 33 maybe I should get my own place, he decides to stealth move in with you.

MintyGreenDream · 07/01/2022 17:10

This is a refreshing thread tbh as usually women on here let men move in then moan about the situation 1after,least you're being very level headed and you know your own mind. P.s don't let him move in

AlternativePerspective · 07/01/2022 17:30

Wow the double standards abound here as usual.

Imagine this:

“I’ve been more or less living with my BF now for the last few months. I do contribute financially to the food and bills and I also pull my weight re the housework. So BF asked me to move in officially and I was very excited. Last night I started changing my address on various things when he suddenly said that he didn’t actually think that me moving in was a good idea and he’d changed his mind.”

I 100% guarantee that no-one would be saying “he should follow his gut, you’re just behaving like a baby being upset.” Remember that “sulking” is objective and could just as easily, and probably does mean upset.

people would be telling the OP she should run for the hills. That this will be the future, when he has a wobble he’ll be asking her to move out, that she should find her own place and dump this twat.

But no, he’s a man so of course it stands to reason that he is the one in the wrong.

Original poster

WildflowerWildfire · 07/01/2022 17:38

He says he’s devastated but will look for his own place next week. I’ve said to him that I’m not ruling it out for the future but that I need to be 100% certain. I’m angry with myself for asking him and then backtracking so I can understand his disappointment. But my gut is saying no and I’m listening.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 18:19

@AlternativePerspective

Wow the double standards abound here as usual.

Imagine this:

“I’ve been more or less living with my BF now for the last few months. I do contribute financially to the food and bills and I also pull my weight re the housework. So BF asked me to move in officially and I was very excited. Last night I started changing my address on various things when he suddenly said that he didn’t actually think that me moving in was a good idea and he’d changed his mind.”

I 100% guarantee that no-one would be saying “he should follow his gut, you’re just behaving like a baby being upset.” Remember that “sulking” is objective and could just as easily, and probably does mean upset.

people would be telling the OP she should run for the hills. That this will be the future, when he has a wobble he’ll be asking her to move out, that she should find her own place and dump this twat.

But no, he’s a man so of course it stands to reason that he is the one in the wrong.

If a 30-something aged woman posted here about that situation, I'd expect her to be upset, yes. Just as upset as OP's b/f is.

But I'd also wonder why the hell she was still living at her mum's, & of she was viewing her b/f as more of a handy roof than the love of her life. I'd be advising her to get her own place, pronto.

Whether male or female, someone who spends a couple of months moving in by stealth (no matter OP's eventual invitation to make it official) because the alternative is being at their mum's - aged over 30 - isn't the best bet for a life partner.

Fuuuuuckit · 07/01/2022 18:43

Urgh. I had one like this - stayed over the majority of the week, then gave notice to his landlord without a discussion. Nope. Its 100% OK for you to change your mind about anything to do with your relationship, at any time, no matter if you invited him to move in. You are under zero obligation to house him, even if he's fallen out with his mum.

Easier to untangle before you have to get him to change his address again. Also, him moving in will affect your council tax bill and any uc/tax credits claim that you have due to a significant change in circumstances and increase in household income. Tread carefully.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 18:48

@Fuuuuuckit your situation wasn't the same. She asked him to move in.

oviraptor21 · 07/01/2022 18:48

Absolutely right to listen to your gut.
And in reality you could have changed your mind about him living with you at any time even after he had moved in.
Also sounds good that he's looking for his own place. To be honest moving straight from living with his mum to living with a gf shows a lack of independence which I would find unattractive.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2022 18:50

Him falling out with his mum is not your problem. He is a grown man. Bit of a red flag he was living with his mum anyway.

I'd be worried that whilst you are in a vulnerable position he has used it to his advantage to worm his way in. And now you say you aren't comfortable he has tried to make you feel guolty for it and also, thrown a strop.

Have him move out op. And make sure to take back any keys you gave him.

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2022 19:13

Having read some of your other threads it beats me why you're still with this idiot.

Howshouldibehave · 07/01/2022 19:17

He’s 33 and I’m 31. He certainly hasn’t been paying my bills, he’s been contributing, and rightly so, due to the huge increase in my bills since he’s been staying here and the amount of clothes that get washed, and the nightly baths he has etc. He doesn’t pay any rent to his mother because he’s always at my house

So he’s paying ‘towards’ some bills at your house no rent at his parents? So he’s paying no proper bills/rent anywhere?!

Fuuuuuckit · 07/01/2022 19:25

[quote girlmom21]@Fuuuuuckit your situation wasn't the same. She asked him to move in. [/quote]
I told mine he might as well move in after he gave notice to his landlord. It lasted 2 months, royally fucked me financially and was an absolute ballache to unpick after I realised what a cocklodger he was and sent him back to his mum's. Of course I was made out to be the bitch for changing my mind, never mind that he'd forced my hand.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 22:11

He’s 33 and NEVER lived independently and NEVER paid towards his mums rent/mortgage, his own rent or any rent….and people chewed me out for calling him a man baby. Right.
33 OP and always lived off the labour of women.
Chuck this one back and tell him to come back when he’s got his own place. Then you can move in with him and contribute to his bills? Right?

Iflyaway · 08/01/2022 00:00

Mummy probably got fed up with him lounging about in her home.

Yes, he really needs to get his own place and get into independent living.

I would be turned off by a man who needs to rely on women to get by in life.

You're not showing your daughter good role modelling.
Listen to your gut. You are the driver of your own life.

bembridge11 · 08/01/2022 04:42

Why does a grown man still live with his mum and now you? Doesnt he have the means or where withal to have his own place? Beware. You dont want to end up with a cocklodger.

timeisnotaline · 08/01/2022 04:56

@AlternativePerspective

Wow the double standards abound here as usual.

Imagine this:

“I’ve been more or less living with my BF now for the last few months. I do contribute financially to the food and bills and I also pull my weight re the housework. So BF asked me to move in officially and I was very excited. Last night I started changing my address on various things when he suddenly said that he didn’t actually think that me moving in was a good idea and he’d changed his mind.”

I 100% guarantee that no-one would be saying “he should follow his gut, you’re just behaving like a baby being upset.” Remember that “sulking” is objective and could just as easily, and probably does mean upset.

people would be telling the OP she should run for the hills. That this will be the future, when he has a wobble he’ll be asking her to move out, that she should find her own place and dump this twat.

But no, he’s a man so of course it stands to reason that he is the one in the wrong.

That little story doesn’t sound relevant. More like ‘I live at home with my mum so it suited me to spend all my time at my gfs. She asked me at some point to start paying for shopping, it hadnt occurred to me she would be paying more for food with me there. Anyway, happy to. I had an argument with my mum so I told my gf it would help her anxiety if I moved in properly. Now she says she doesn’t want me to and feels pressured.’

girlmom21 · 08/01/2022 09:23

@bembridge11

Why does a grown man still live with his mum and now you? Doesnt he have the means or where withal to have his own place? Beware. You dont want to end up with a cocklodger.

I never understand these comments. What's the point in spending loads of money on renting when he can live with his mom and save?

If he's dependent on her that's an issue, but otherwise what's the problem? It's surely just a cheap house share?