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Original poster

Mentionitis

33 replies

HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 13:48

I'm not sure if what I'm asking is really dumb or really nuanced but I've read on these forums before about 'mentionitis' and wanted to know more about it.

About a year ago my husband started mentioning one of the neighbours a bit more. On several occasions, but mainly derogatory. 'Have you seen Sally's (not real name) tattoo she's got?!' 'Has Sally had lip-filler - her mouth looks different.' He makes reference to her not being particularly pretty but not ugly and he can't understand why she married her husband (meaning, she could have done better).

So, a lot of mentionitis and has always used her name when referring to her. But the thing is now, the most recent reference to her was in the form of 'her next door, she's...'

Now I'm wondering why he suddenly wouldn't use her name when talking about her to me. Any ideas?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 13:56

Ask him why he's being so disrespectful about a woman who has no impact on his life.

Did he start WFH a year ago meaning he's noticed her a lot more?

Original poster
HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 14:04

I think the reason he's noticed her isn't because of WFH but because she has changed in recent years. She looks more glamourous. I think that's simply coincided with her children getting older and now she probably has more time to spend on herself.

If I asked him that, @girlmom21 he would probably just deny he's being disrespectful TBH - he's not a fan of either tattoos or lip-filler.

OP posts:
QueenJeanie · 05/01/2022 14:19

Does he not realise that how a woman looks and what she does are none of his business?

Pull him up on it. Tell him he sounds overly invested in her looks and it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

Purplepeople12 · 05/01/2022 14:19

Maybe he genuinely finds her interesting because of what she's doing to herself. If you say he doesn't like these things maybe he just notices them, not in a sinister way, almost in a 'oh my word what a state' kind of way?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/01/2022 14:22

Sounds like he fancies her.

Original poster
HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 14:28

I don't think he thinks she looks a state because she doesn't look a state. The lip-filler has changed her face but it doesn't look bad just different.

No, I thought the mentionitis indicated that he started to fancy her in recent years.

I just wondered why the mentionitis has stopped regarding referring to her by her name.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 14:30

I just wondered why the mentionitis has stopped regarding referring to her by her name.

Because she's a piece of meat, not a person.

Call him out on it. Every little piece of lack of respect. Every single time.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 14:31

He probably feels like she's slighted him in some way. Maybe even by doing these things to herself that he doesn't like.

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/01/2022 14:32

So you're concerned why he is being snidey all of a sudden. Worried they might have got on well, somethings happened, and now he is shitty about her ?

If that's what you're worrying about, I can see why. He seems..... over interested ? As if he knows her on some level? I'd guess a crush of some sorts.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/01/2022 14:34

Does he actually talk to her or just look out of the window at her?

gonnabeok · 05/01/2022 14:35

Sounds like he fancies her I would say. From what you say it doesnt seem any more than that unless he's behaving weirdly. I had this from me ex. He constantly criticised someone he used to work with. Turns out he was having an affair with her all along.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/01/2022 14:37

Often men say they don’t like something such as tattoos or lots of make up when actually it’s their thing.

Graphista · 05/01/2022 14:38

The mentionitis tends to wear off as an affair starts

Yummypumpkin · 05/01/2022 14:38

She obviously occupies his mind a lot. She intrigues him. He can't figure her out. He can't place why he cares so much. She gets to him.

He's sort of attracted despite himself.

Zero chance anything is going on.

The change in terminology is more to do with his attempt to distance himself.

Likely brought up with strong class and gender models which encouraged him to look down on her. So his attraction bewilders him.

I'd probably say this to him directly.

LampLighter414 · 05/01/2022 14:39

Might be hinting that he wants you to be more glamorous

Original poster
HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 14:41

@Sonaftersonafterson It's strange that you should come to that conclusion too as I have wondered what has happened that he now doesn't use her name when talking to me about her.

It does sound like he's pissed off at something to do with her to refer to her in that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 14:43

@CrimbleCrumble1

Does he actually talk to her or just look out of the window at her?
He talks to her if they bump into one another outside.
OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 05/01/2022 14:47

@Yummypumpkin

She obviously occupies his mind a lot. She intrigues him. He can't figure her out. He can't place why he cares so much. She gets to him.

He's sort of attracted despite himself.

Zero chance anything is going on.

The change in terminology is more to do with his attempt to distance himself.

Likely brought up with strong class and gender models which encouraged him to look down on her. So his attraction bewilders him.

I'd probably say this to him directly.

My thoughts too.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/01/2022 14:47

Maybe he’s trying not to fancy her, the comment about why did she marry her husband shows he thinks she could do better (him perhaps) and the her next door is a more of a put down comment.

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 14:54

You could try saying 'Do you fancy her? And how come you've stopped referring to her by name?'

We're unlikely to know better than him about why he says what he says, and it's curious that you're not asking him. Why is that? What do you think he'd say if you did?

DayzeeDaresYou · 05/01/2022 14:58

@CrimbleCrumble1

Often men say they don’t like something such as tattoos or lots of make up when actually it’s their thing.
This with bells on.
Purplepeople12 · 05/01/2022 15:00

On its own I just find it a huge leap to say he fancies her. I'd notice if someone changed how they looked, without other evidence I can't see anything to get excited about with this

Original poster
HangoToxfrot · 05/01/2022 15:05

If I asked him if her fancied her @TheFoundation he would probably just laugh and say of course not. Yes, I should have asked him when he referred to her as 'her next door' but at the time it flummoxed me that he would refer to her like that.

@Yummypumpkin that sounds plausible as he did grow up with strong gender models - less to do with class as I think he would consider that he and she were of the same 'class'. Well, they grew up in the same local community but didn't grow up together as they've of different generations.

OP posts:
elelel · 05/01/2022 15:06

They had an affair and it's over?

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 15:24

And you wouldn't believe him?

Curious to know why the change in the way he refers to her seems to be the most important issue to you here. You think your husband might fancy your neighbour, and you wouldn't trust his answer if you asked him.

Why does the name change bother you enough to ask strangers on a forum? It feels like there's more...