Mentionitis

[HangoToxfrot]

I'm not sure if what I'm asking is really dumb or really nuanced but I've read on these forums before about 'mentionitis' and wanted to know more about it.

About a year ago my husband started mentioning one of the neighbours a bit more. On several occasions, but mainly derogatory. 'Have you seen Sally's (not real name) tattoo she's got?!' 'Has Sally had lip-filler - her mouth looks different.' He makes reference to her not being particularly pretty but not ugly and he can't understand why she married her husband (meaning, she could have done better).

So, a lot of mentionitis and has always used her name when referring to her. But the thing is now, the most recent reference to her was in the form of 'her next door, she's...'

Now I'm wondering why he suddenly wouldn't use her name when talking about her to me. Any ideas?

@elelel

They had an affair and it's over?

Yup.

Actually more likely it's not over, she just isn't in his good grades right this moment. Maybe she asked him to leave you.

Alternatively, he fancies her and finally acted on it and she shot him down.

Or, he hates women who feel confident about themself. How dare they try to self-improve. And he is indicating this to you.

Either way it sounds like the beginnings of narcissistic triangulation. When they bring in another woman I some way, in order to make you feel insecure.

Start mentioning her husband's appearance regularly - let him do some worrying and wondering instead.

@stripeyflowers

Start mentioning her husband's appearance regularly - let him do some worrying and wondering instead.

Games. Very unhealthy.

@TheFoundation

And you wouldn't believe him?

Curious to know why the change in the way he refers to her seems to be the most important issue to you here. You think your husband might fancy your neighbour, and you wouldn't trust his answer if you asked him.

Why does the name change bother you enough to ask strangers on a forum? It feels like there's more...

I ask strangers because a lot of you are so astute - especially you @TheFoundation !

I will also add that I had a very infuriating colleague once, called Steve.

According to my partner, I talked about him constantly.

That was true.

My partner became convinced I was infatuated with him.

I intensely disliked him and all he stood for. His ability to lie and treat people badly consumed me. But this was not a crush.

So it could be possible indeed that he really, really dislikes your neighbour.

Mentions is normally associated with unnecessary and positive comments on someone, rather than with specific and negative comments.

he would probably just deny he's being disrespectful TBH - he's not a fan of either tattoos or lip-filler

Still disrespectful and weird to comment about it. There are aspects of physical appearance that mean I wouldn't be attracted to any number of men I know, but I've never felt the need to comment about their appearance to my partner because it's really nothing to do with me or him.

Smacks a little of the attitude that women exist to be physically pleasing to him.

He fancies her and can't stop talking about her. He's stopped using her name as he wants to play his feelings down in front of you!

I'm not sure if he wants to play down his feelings in front of me or not. The last time I saw an interaction between them was when he waved at her as she was driving past us. He might have noticed I was a bit pissed off at him then as I was mid sentence and he interrupted by saying 'oh there's Sally', and waved. I did feel in that split second I didn't exist and immediately stopped talking and didn't resume the sentence. Maybe he did pick up on my vibes and is now trying to play it down @backtolifebacktoreality good thinking.